.

Moving Memories
25: My Story To Tell
Sasuke's Point of View

~ (^.^) (^.^) ~

Naruto pauses for a long moment and I can tell he's contemplating something heavily. I try to let him feel his thoughts in privacy, but I don't know how. Rooting through his aura is automatic.

I've shut him off before, many times, but it was never easy. At first, it was hard because I hadn't developed the skill. Even after I'd mastered the skill, though, the emotional detachment was hard to handle. Although, I must admit that living through his bodily experiences as if they were my own was pretty damn good motivation to get me to flip his switch off in my head. Once he started... "fooling around", it was clear that lingering was far more emotionally traumatizing than just letting him go.

After I figured out how to shut him off, I realized that I didn't have to. I could manipulate it and keep him as close or as far as I wanted, so he became like a third conscience to me. He operates at all times within my head but I can tune in to him like flipping channels on a tv and it's entirely voluntary. Before, I couldn't help it. These days, I can turn my attention away and let that be that. Right now, however, it's not a question of skill. It's a matter of will power, and the fact that I have none when it comes to Naruto. I've theorized that it must have something to do with the exchange we technically made a long time ago.

I know the basics about bijuu, but I don't know everything. In fact, vampires as a whole don't know everything there is to know about bijuu. How could we? Bijuu are sorta supposed to be our enemy. Of course, that idea is archaic. The rivalry has pretty much leveled out by now. Still, it's not like it's accepted for vampires and bijuu to become friends and share secrets. Kankuro only knows so much because he went out and did a lot of research into it on his own, seeing as the department he plans on joining within VSAF is centered around bijuu.

What I do know about bijuu assures me that you can't escape making a bond with one. The exchange is fixed. There are ways to keep from being controlled, but the semantics are over my head. I never once thought I'd actually meet a bijuu, let alone fall in love with one. After all, there are only ever ten in the entire world. Whatever the details, I have an inkling that my pull toward Naruto has to do with our blood bond. I'm not sure how blood bonds even began—the reasons could be plenty—but creating one with a human is a strong force, and that force is magnified who knows how many times when it's between a vampire and a bijuu. It was inevitable that Naruto would become the center of my world.

Things didn't pan out so easily between us though, thanks to my hard head and stupidity. I shoved him away from me, and then I had to find a way to shut him outta my head when he started living his life differently. Cause let's be honest, it's both sickening and maddening to experience everything he's doing with other people. I'd even call it torture. Even secondhand filtering wasn't enough to make it seem like anything but absolutely real. Hell, at times I could almost swear those things were happening to me! It was hell to go through, but I caused it.

No matter what, though, he's still a part of me that can't be released. He can never be released from my heart. At the same time, hanging on to him slowly goaded me back into a dark corner. I began to think I'd be content to continue the drugs and find a new Sai to play with. I might've gone back to starving myself, but it's more likely that I would've re-embraced the leeching lifestyle. All these possibilities pulled at me when I no longer had Naruto to protect or be a better man for. He rejected me. So what was left to fight for? He gave me vitality, and then he took it away.

The drugs would've been twice as fulfilling, because there was so much more pain for them to soothe. The frivolous sex would've been justified. After all, that's what Naruto was doing. Why not me too? The leeching would've been supreme too. God, to taste human blood again, to smell the adrenaline of prey. Even now, I'm almost tempted. Not enough though. Despite how easily I could've assimilated back into the pitiful man I'd become, I didn't. That's mostly, if not entirely, thanks to Itachi.

Itachi kept me clean. He literally spent every day with me for weeks. It was a painfully slow progression, but the frayed ends between he and I began to mend. The more clear of mind I became, the more I could recognize his sacrifice. He truly would do anything for me, and that's so obvious that not even my stubborn eyes could miss it. I was pathetic before, but I was as low as low could be after Naruto was truly gone. Itachi held me up though, and he became the one thing I could rely on. He became the platform I used to raise myself up again, and it worked.

Naruto's presence in my heart was painful and it pushed me toward terrible things, but I resisted and purified myself. Not for him. No, for me. To live in reality and pull myself outta the fantasy I'd chosen to live in for years, I accepted Naruto as a part of me. Whether he ever accepted me again or not, he'd be the center of my heart for the rest of my potentially eternal life. I knew I could learn to be okay with that. I'd have to, because it was what it was. That's when I started to figure our bond out and learn to manipulate its presence to me as I choose.

So, yes, I'm perfectly capable of shutting Naruto off if I wish. I just don't wanna right now.

I crave him. I crave the connection between us more than ever before. I have a hunger for him, a hunger that differs from bloodlust entirely but is dangerous in its own ways. Seeing him right before my eyes, close enough to touch, after so long did something to me. I wanna explore the recesses of his mind, to know what he's feeling and thinking, to know if it's as centered around me as I am around him. My body just won't turn away from him.

I continue instructing myself to stop tuning in to him, but I don't listen. It all happens so fast anyway, so I can only experience it as it comes.

Images flicker through my head and I'm not sure exactly how they got there. Part of me thinks it's just my imagination trying to translate his aura into imagery. Then another part of me thinks he's literally putting his thoughts in my head. He's capable of that, I know, but he doesn't seem particularly proficient in his abilities yet. The communication between us is still so disjointed that I don't think he'd even able to do something so advanced with me. I mean, rooting through my aura is pretty damn simple and he didn't even do that throughout the entire time we were talking.

It's easy for me to decipher what's happening right now. The things I'm seeing in my head are depicting Naruto's struggle. It's the same thing that happened to me for so very long. He's missing me, and he's mustering up the strength to turn his back and walk away from me when he really wishes to just stay.

I can feel his heart reaching out toward me, and I wanna reach back. I wanna grab him and pull him close. It's not time though. He said it himself, or at least he tried. He's not ready. He needs more time. The communication between us has to evolve. He needs to tune in to me the way I do with him. I wanna reach back, but I don't. I can't. Not yet.

Eventually, he manages to turn his body away. I can sense the effect it has on him. He doesn't like walking away from me. It's endearing how pure and simple his intentions are. He just wants my company and nothing more. It's like he recognizes that a relationship isn't quite in the cards yet, but he wants to pass the time together anyway. The more I analyze him, the more it starts to seem like he's feeling a sense of responsibility for me. He feels like he needs to be close so he can guide me to the end result, but I'm not the one who needs guiding. Who's holding who back is trivial though, because his heart is breaking right now and that's all that matters.

But I don't worry. Nothing'll break between us. Nothing'll snap or rip or fade away. The twisted love we've come to share is there, like it's always been. Through all the turning away from each other we've done, what's between us still remains. He can't run from me, nor can I run from him.

I'm able to tamp down some of his buzzing in my head, but I still won't shut him off. I notice his reaction to the painting I've directed him to and the conflict it causes. To take or not to take? After a few long moments of studying it, he says something that seems totally unrelated to the painting.

"You can't paint her because you're not supposed to bring color to her," he murmurs.

When I look back at him, he's still staring at the painting intently. I can tell he's talking to himself, but he doesn't try to mute what he's saying. He's speaking freely, knowing subconsciously I'll hear but consciously not concerned with my presence at all. I guess that speaks to the level of comfort he feels with me, or maybe it speaks to a developed defense of the ability to ignore me. I recognize he's talking about Ren, but I don't know why the painting has inspired it. Curious as to where this'll go, I listen quietly to anything he might have to add.

"She brings color to you, not the other way around."

Thoughtfulness has made his voice quiet, but I hear him clearly enough.

After another short pause, he adds almost imperceptibly, even for me, "Now if only you could see."

The utterance is punctuated by the ding of the elevator. I don't stop him as he leaves. I just watch him grab the painting by the frame and disappear behind the elevator doors. I've already searched his aura for clarity, but he has this weird ability to become very confusing at times. His emotions toward me are usually very direct, especially when we're face to face, but that's not always the case. He can actually be a very ambiguous being.

I can't really decide what he's trying to say to me, but I feel like it's important. Because he isn't particularly tuned in to me, he doesn't notice me imploring, nor does he notice my curiosity or confusion lingering. I could project myself and, in a sense, force myself into his face. He's so naturally sensitive that I could get him to pick up on me with enough intention behind my emotions, even if he's not necessarily aware of me.

I don't though, because I can sense his aura shifting as his attention is pulled to other things. He's already gone anyway, and I don't think he'd come back just to explain himself, no matter how much I throw my emotions in his face. He'll be expecting me to decode this on my own, if I even heard the comment at all.

The meaning behind his words escapes me. Have I not been seeing the color Ren brought me? Haven't I been making huge changes and becoming a better me? I mean, c'mon. How much more colorful can I get? I know I've got some adjustments to make still, but a man can only change so much in an allotted period of time. Does he really expect me to be all rainbows and butterflies so quickly?

There's something deeper to the wording. There must be. There's a cryptic message somewhere. I just have to find it. To be honest, it's kinda exciting to be stumped like this. It's almost like a game. How long until I can figure Naruto out? Maybe it's a test. If I can decipher him, he'll deem me worthy of his heart again. The fact that he might be testing me seems silly though. Does he even realize that the one in need of change isn't actually me? The one who needs to be tested is him. How much more ready for Naruto could I get? He's the one who stills needs to adjust to being in a relationship with a vampire. I've done my adjusting already.

I've adjusting to accepting such a fragile being at my side. I've made many accommodations, strengthened my own will, and become more "human" for him. He needs to learn to become more supernatural for me now. I can only meet him halfway, because it's clear through Gaara and Kiba's example that making all the adjustments on my own won't work. Unlike Kiba though, Naruto is capable of meeting me in the middle. While I can suppress myself for him, he can also elevate himself for me. He needs to use his abilities against me, but he's not, and I can only assume that it's because he can't. Then again, I know he can do some extraordinary things already.

Maybe his growth is situational. He's really good at psychically connecting to Kiba, but he struggled to do the same with Gaara. His functionality might be affected by his relationship to the person he's with. His stress levels might play a part in it too. We haven't had a lot of time together nor have we built a particularly healthy relationship, so maybe his abilities aren't coming to him naturally for me yet because he lacks the specific experience between us.

Seems like a good enough excuse, but I have to explore more deeply too. I have to muse that maybe it's not that he lacks skill, and maybe it's not that he lacks experience either. Maybe it's fear. Maybe he's choosing to not connect to me because he's still deciding if he wants to invest in me. Rather than out of inability, perhaps he's just too scared to explore my energy. My personal experience attests; being vulnerable is scary.

He could be lacking courage. He could be scared of attaching to me again. Could be lots of things, but it doesn't much matter. Whether the disconnection is because he's afraid or because he's unable, it's still there. And it's not me. Not to pin blame, but it's him. He's the one who isn't ready for me, yet he's leaving me with cryptic comments as some sort of test. Then again, maybe it's not a test. I just assumed that.

God. Look at me. I'm running tirelessly around my own brain, and the confusion remains. What is he saying to me?

I sigh and relax. With his physical being gone, I feel way more capable of tamping down the connection between us. I let it fall to a dull murmur, so I can sense if anything huge happens to him, but I mostly reclaim my own mind and let him be in privacy.

It's like we're at two extremes. I give him almost no privacy and he rejects my presence entirely. We both have to find middle ground though. He can't just ignore our connection all the time and I can't focus on it so much either. We both need to find a comfortable in between, which means we'll both have to find our way to the other's extreme. I've done my part though. I've learned the extreme of shutting him off entirely, so I'm capable of floating in between now. It's up to him to learn how to experience me fully so he can find his own in between too.

I'm back to playing the blame game, aren't I?

Whatever Naruto wants me to see is connected to Ren, but to him too. They have some secret they aren't telling me, and I don't like that. But I do. On one hand, it's another obstacle before being at his side again. On the other, it's something to pursue. Conflicted on so many levels, I look to Ren's sculpture. Even her half-constructed face seems smug with understanding.

~ (^.^) (^.^) ~

"Sasuke?" Itachi beckons.

Though his voice is soft, the concern grabs my attention and pulls me from my own head. I look sideways at him and notice his hand is on my shoulder. I glance at it, vacantly recognizing his attempt to invade my aura with a sense of ease.

His eye brows pull together in more magnified concern when I don't respond to his attempt at calming me. An important aspect of him aiding in my recovery was our bond becoming strong. I understand that me being closed off to him distresses him now that he's tasted the connection we can have. It's not that I'm purposely shutting him out. It's just...

How can I be calm? I've been trying to tune in to Kiba for hours, but nothing has come of it. I know he's not gone, like dead gone. He's just hidden. I can't sense him at all, and that pisses me off. The fuck is he hiding from me for?

I try finding him again, but I run into a proverbial wall and almost flinch at the repulsion.

"That's not gonna get you anywhere," Itachi points out. His tone has shifted to sympathy, and that pisses me off even more.

"I know," I snap, shrugging his hand off irritably.

"Talk to me," Itachi requests.

"And what'll that solve?" I automatically reply.

I literally feel hurt grip his heart, making my anger wane. Guilt takes its place. Itachi is only here to help, after all. Why am I lashing out at him?

"It's just..." I huff in exasperation. "Does nobody else think this is insane?"

I know my eyes must be portraying the worry I can't stifle. If I do, I'll just be shutting Itachi out and hurting him again. And when I chose to let him into my life, I vowed to treat him differently. It's not sappy. Just the truth. I promised myself that I'd love him because that's what I need to do to change. I'm determined to change, so I'm determined to love Itachi too. That means being honest and open, even if I don't like it all the time.

"Kiba is changed," I point out emphatically. "He's a vampire now. Gaara bit him and made him into one! Nobody else has a problem with that?!"

Itachi shrugs. "Figured it'd happen some day," he says simply.

I gape for a moment, because how vastly different our points of view are is astonishing to me. I should've guessed though. Itachi chose this lifestyle, and he chose it for Deidara too. Someone who can play with mortality so easily wouldn't understand my perspective.

"You and I are on completely different planets with this one," I say, shaking my head. "You're careless with human life."

He processes my comment for a moment and then says, "I was very careful with Deidara's life."

I raise my brows in a challenge. "You call taking his life away care?"

Itachi's eyes narrow slightly and I can sense that we're getting into touchy territory. "Your point of view is too extreme. It allows no room for variety."

"Because there isn't any!" I exclaim. "If I wanted variety, I'd change my point of view!"

"So you're angry because Kiba doesn't have the same values as you?" he asks.

"No! I'm angry because no one should be trusting Gaara!" I practically yell. "Have you forgotten what he's done to me? He bit Naruto, Itachi. My Naruto," I stress. "He had no right to touch what's mine!"

"Many have touched Naruto," Itachi points out.

Out of shock, my jaw drops. How can he be so candid about that?

"What?" Itachi shrugs. "It's true. Naruto is no stranger to vampire bites, or beds."

Outraged, I holler, "What're you getting at?!"

Itachi sighs as if weary. "Nothing, Sasuke. I'm simply pointing out the facts. Naruto left you. He's not yours to possess."

Itachi sees something spark within me. He reaches out to touch me again, intending to smolder the emotion before it can engulf me and swallow me whole, but I dodge him and turn my back. I try to stuff away what he's seen. I'm so angry that I don't want him near me anymore, let alone in my aura understanding parts of me he's just lost the right to witness. I try to shut him out, but he hugs me from behind. His cheek rests against my shoulder and he just holds me loosely. Nothing is spoken, but I feel his intentions seep into my heart, and I can't be angry.

"You found a way to be at peace with Naruto," Itachi says softly. "Can you not find your peace with this too?"

"No," I say automatically, because I don't wanna.

"You do understand that Naruto caused all of this, right?" Itachi points out. I say nothing, so he goes on, "Naruto went to Gaara and asked to be bitten. He suggested that Gaara change Kiba. He created the plan and then made it happen."

"But Gaara is in control of his own body," I retort.

"But Naruto was in control of the situation," Itachi argues.

"It doesn't matter what role Naruto played," I insist. "The responsibility is on Gaara. He's being selfish."

"He's being you." Itachi pulls away from me and rounds my body to look me in the eyes, both hands on my shoulders to keep his emotions flowing into me so that his intentions stay clear. "Sasuke, be forthright with me. Is this anger of yours borne of insecurity?"

I snort automatically and glance way, folding my arms across my chest. "It's got nothing to do with insecurity," I claim. "It's logical fact. The one time I actually want Kiba, he's outta reach. I want something. Can't have it. Makes me angry. Simple."

"You fear he's finally turned you away for good," Itachi guesses.

I don't say anything because I can't deny truthfully but I'm not willing to concede so easily. Itachi can feel my heart anyway. Do I really have to humiliate myself and admit to something like that so openly?

"You fear they won't forgive you?" Itachi adds uncertainly.

"Forgive me for what?" I snap. "I've done nothing wrong." My chin inclines on its own, but I miss how much that makes me seem like I'm pouting.

Itachi hums in soft recognition. "You don't like the sting of rejection."

"I know what you're thinking," I say. "This is how you all felt when I went through my stages of grief with Ren."

He doesn't reply, but when I look up into his eyes the answer is clear. I'm right.

"This isn't the same though," I go on. "A huge decision to change Kiba's life was made, and I'm being excluded entirely."

"Did you not change your life?" Itachi retorts. "In fact, you changed your life many times, and no one was able to say a thing to you."

I grind my teeth and avert my gaze again, because I can't argue.

"I was forced into this lifestyle Itachi," I say, my voice quiet. "Father made me this way. Forgive me if I can't watch Gaara do the same to Kiba."

"Kiba chose this," Itachi reminds me.

"For Gaara!" I exclaim, my eyes snapping back up to Itachi's. "He chose this to make Gaara happy!"

Itachi stays quiet for a short moment, just analyzing me. Eventually, he says, "This has nothing to do with Kiba changing."

He let's me stew on the fact that he's figured me out, giving me room to react however I please. I just slump in defeat.

"You've always been angry at Gaara for his relationship with Kiba," he acknowledges. "I know you don't like the idea of him taking Kiba away, but this is not like Ren." I glance away but he takes my head and forces me to look at him square again. "You are not losing anyone, Sasuke."

I swallow a huge lump in my throat and eventually nod in understanding. Itachi nods back, sure his point has been made.

"I understand that it's hard to watch this happen from the sidelines and not be involved, but you simply can't be a part of anything right now. None of us can. The isolation is necessary, and you know that. If you wish to be close to Kiba, then just be straightforward," he advises. "No one enjoys your roundabout ways of expressing yourself. If you miss him, just say so. I'm sure Gaara will allow you to be the first to see Kiba if you just ask. Nicely."

I nod again and we leave the conversation at that.

~ (^.^) (^.^) ~

Artist's block. I've got it. Then again, it's not really like that.

Ren was a real human being. I saw her face, held her hand, felt her warmth. She existed. She wasn't imaginary. The issue isn't my ability to imagine or create her. It's my ability to get her outta my head and into clay. Can it be considered artist's block if it actually has nothing to do with imagining or creating something? Then again, she never existed at this age. So, in actuality, a lot is left up to imagination.

I inhale deeply before releasing a slow breath to dissipate my frustration. I don't wanna get riled up.

I won't admit in plain terms that I miss Kiba, because I don't. Am I concerned about his health and well-being? Yes. Do I wanna make sure he's in good shape? Absolutely. Am I interested in his dynamic with Gaara these days? Definitely. Would I go so far as to say I'm craving his company or missing him? No, but I will say I wanna see him. The intrigue is part curiosity and part concern, but it's entirely present and constantly niggling at the back of my head.

But I can't see him yet, and I know that. His instinctive side is still dying down.

This is all part of being a vampire. Sometimes, you just forget yourself. It takes a lot of skill to learn to not give in to the bestial side. It takes vampires years to master that kind of self-control. Being such a fresh vampire, Kiba won't even care about who he is anymore. From his perspective, the world is full of enemies and meals. Nothing more, nothing less. Gaara, of course, will be in a category of his own as trusted mate, but other than that the world is pretty black and white for Kiba. Other vampires will seem like immediate danger to him and humans will be nothing but a meal.

I recognize that Kiba is still trying to figure his own self out right now. It takes a lot to push the instinct down and temper yourself as a newly-changed vampire. Kiba needs his time. I know that. I don't plan on imposing myself before he's ready.

I'm taking Itachi's advice. I haven't contacted Gaara to let him know that, as Itachi put it, I "miss" Kiba, but I will. Eventually. Maybe. For now, my solution is to stay nearby so my energy isn't totally foreign to him. In his first few months, he'll be very wary, so the best I can do is not be a total stranger. It's at least a start.

The task here is to build something new. The old Kiba is gone, and so is any connection between he and I. His personality and traits and quirks will all come back eventually, but it'll take a while to return in earnest. For now, I have to work on building a relationship with the new him. If I'm lucky and don't act make an ass of myself, he might eventually accept me as a part of his coven too.

This is just step one though, being calm and creating a comfortable atmosphere for him to reconnect with me in. Step two involves burying my pride and extending my hand to them properly, but this is fine for now. The atmosphere practically creates itself. Through my fight for reform, I've discovered a "zen" place inside myself. It's where I go to draw strength when I feel the anxiety that not being totally isolated causes me, and it works. Still, though, I procrastinate for a couple weeks anyway.

Maybe it's because I'm still mad at Gaara. Maybe I'm just delaying because of my own lingering insecurity. Maybe I'm just giving Kiba extra time to acclimate to me. I don't spend too much energy doing any deep introspection into the matter because I don't wanna create an emotional outburst from myself. My studio is close enough that I could effect Kiba easily. I don't wanna overwhelm him with my energy. That's good enough reasoning for me to avoid the topic and just keep on procrastinating, even if I was the one who was complaining about how infuriating it is to have to wait for Kiba. The waiting comes to an end whether I want it to or not though. Invitation be damned, Gaara and Kiba come to me on their own terms.

I'm stewing over the proportion of Ren's cheeks when the elevator dings. I'm expecting them. After all, they've sorta become my new Naruto. Because of my relentless presence, the invisible wall between us has slowly been diminishing and I've been obsessively imploring their energies.

First to reveal himself to me is Gaara. He steps out of the elevator and locates me with his eyes. We exchange gazes and silently come to an instant agreement: this is by no means at all a reflection of the relationship between he and I. For Kiba's sake, he's indulging me. I have no desire to hash things out with him either, so it's a pretty mutual decision that Kiba will be the only focus between us. I suppose it'll be a while yet until we get to tearing down the walls between us, but I accepted months ago that my reinvention would be a slow process. I've gotta take it one person at a time. For now, Kiba is the priority, and we're both okay with that.

I understand my role without it having to be explained to me. I'm to teach Kiba how to be a vampire.

What they've been doing holed up in their suite is probably pretty basic. I'm sure Gaara taught Kiba how to hone his senses so he isn't overwhelmed. They probably worked on self-control too. At least I hope so. And I'm sure they created an indicator for when things become too much. With him in front of me, I can sense that Gaara is remarkably back to his old self. The control he was always known for has returned full force, but a new vampire is tumultuous at best. Gaara must still have some struggles containing both of their urges. An indicator is necessary for when either of them is reaching the brink of what they can handle. That's between them though.

I'm Kiba's safe space, and I worked damn hard for it so I'm pleased with myself about it too. With me, Kiba will learn about interacting with other vampires. Vampire children usually learn these things from their families, but Kiba doesn't have that at this age. It'd be too risky to take him out in public, so they need a sort of test dummy. I'm clearly volunteering.

With things established between us, Gaara glances over his shoulder and reaches one hand to the still-hidden Kiba. He can sense me, I'm sure. I see Kiba reach back and take Gaara's hand, but it takes a firm tug from Gaara before he's persuaded to exit the safety of the elevator. His eyes dart right to me and he tenses significantly. Gaara guides him inside, but there comes a point when Kiba simply refuses to come any closer. I watch him all the while, analyzing his state of being and assessing how careful I should be when interacting with him.

I nod at him, but he doesn't react. He feels threatened by me, but I won't attack him. In an attempt to make that known, I bow my head deeply. I want him to see that I'm not afraid to be vulnerable in front of him. That puts him in a position of power, and it does make him relax somewhat. When I look back up, it looks like the stick that's been shoved up his butt has receded at least a little bit.

At this point, Kiba isn't open to bonding with other beings. He simply needs to learn how to unravel them. So I don't do much talking. I find it best to just go about my business and largely ignore them when they come down, which they do daily. I know Kiba is just discovering his ability to understand other beings fluidly, but knowing he's exploring my aura sorta makes me squirm under his scrutiny. Despite all I've done to become as open as can be, I clam up. I shut doors selectively, manipulating what he sees of me into fragments of information I'm comfortable with sharing.

Gaara doesn't monitor me in any way, and I'm not sure if it's because he's just that focused on Kiba or if he's devoutly ignoring me. Either way, I'm glad. It might've been too much pressure having them both on me at once. I'm still fresh to this whole building bonds thing. Insecurity is reasonable.

With Kiba, this is my purpose. He's supposed to figure me out. Even then, I still have some lingering uncertainty about what I feel like I can and can't share. With Gaara, the case is different. I'm not comfortable with him exploring me freely. I can't explain it. I just feel like he and I would have to do that one on one. Even if I'm dedicated to changing within every facet of my life, it's still a process. I can't just be loving and kind to everyone in one day.

Gaara stays unobtrusive though. He takes on a very passive role and spends most of his time silently emboldening Kiba with careful touches and soft whispers, teaching through experience rather than example. As the days go on, I become more confident that he's not gonna pounce on me so I can actually let my guard down. In a way, my own hesitations work out for the best. The pace at which I slowly open up is good for both me and Kiba. I never have to reveal more than I'm ready to, and he never has to face more than he's capable of. It's good this way.

We face hiccups, of course. There are days when I'm especially wound up and Kiba literally spends the whole time grimacing as he struggles to handle the intensity. For him, there are really only 2 settings: picking up everything, or picking up nothing. My inconsistency helps him learn to operate in the space between though, because real, live people will be unpredictable. My mini-outbursts are good for him in the end, because they teach him how to temper things on his own, especially since Gaara makes it a point to tune out of us both entirely while we're all together. Kiba is truly on his own when it comes to handling me in our sessions.

Some days he handles me better than others, and the same can be said for me. Sometimes I confront him too bluntly. He doesn't like being directly addressed. In fact, if I aim anything at him directly he gets defensive. It takes a long time before I'm even able to look at him without him freezing up or else hissing at me. There are good days and bad ones, but they all end up being useful in the end.

Eventually, I realize I'm not picking and choosing anymore. I'm just relaxed. I'm just me. Totally me. And Kiba is comfortable with that.

Once I'm completely unhindered in his presence, he spends a few extra days exploring me thoroughly. Once he's satisfied his curiosity I guess, the task of coexisting comfortably is complete. It's not just that he knows more about me than I'd be willing to openly express, but he now has the tools to figure me out. He's learned the ins and outs of reading another being. With the instinctive feeling of his life being in constant imminent danger gone, he's able to relax and focus on being himself again.

This progress becomes apparent one day when I'm idly painting a canvas. I'm not invested in it at all. I honestly don't even really recognize my brush strokes. I just sorta go on doing it mechanically as I pretend to be brain dead. I'm just not functioning well today. I know Kiba and Gaara are in the studio, but they're being as quiet as always so I just go on staring blankly at my half-assed painting and ignoring them.

"She wouldn't be skinny," Kiba suddenly says.

I pause and my mind comes back to me. I look over my shoulder to first see Gaara, who's turned and looked over his shoulder at Kiba in astonishment too. Kiba is standing in front of Ren, appraising her and paying no mind to Gaara or me.

"She wouldn't be fat either," he adds, tilting his head. "But, no, she wouldn't be skinny."

Gaara and I trade glances.

"Should I work on her today?" I ask Kiba, standing from my stool.

The action startles him and he snaps his eyes to me, getting instantly defensive. I have a bad feeling that I've acted too rashly and fear he'll retreat back into himself. He stares at me for a long moment and then nods. I take that happily and get my molding clay. For the first few minutes, he stays silent and watches me flounder helplessly as I try to create a woman I can no longer even conceptualize. Then he takes it upon himself to save the monstrosity that she's becoming.

"I think her cheeks would be a little rounder," he says.

I make it a point to not look back at him, lest I come of ass threatening. He reaches around me and touches her chin, demonstrating a curve far more dramatic than the one she has now.

"And her chin would be angled more like this," he adds. "She was delicate like that," he murmurs as he pulls away.

I nod thoughtfully and agree. "You're right. She looks like a man right now."

Kiba actually snickers at the comment and I feel absolutely invigorated. I glance at Gaara and I know that we're sharing the same tentative glee. Kiba is making a comeback. I'm just one vampire in all the world and he won't have the same amount of time to acclimate to them all, but it's still a big step. I'm one more person he can trust, and that means a lot to a person who doesn't feel like they can trust anyone. I know that from personal experience.

Together, Kiba and I explore how deeply sad Ren makes us, but we discover how incredibly cathartic it is to recreate her this way too. We don't ever sit down and talk about the past. We just understand where we're both coming from on that frontier. I've had plenty of time, years and years and years, to decipher Kiba's innermost thoughts and feelings, and now he's finally had the chance to see mine too. We understand each other, and neither of us feel the need to make it a verbal thing.

I can't be angry with Gaara for changing Kiba anymore, because I realize that this peace between us would never have come about otherwise. The closer we get, the more I have to realize that I don't think I'd be able to go back to functioning without Kiba again. It took a lot to let Itachi back into heart, but I did, and I'm better for it. I'm clean because of him. I've got no leeching tendencies whatsoever because of him. He gave me every piece of me that I have. Naruto made me realize I was missing from my own body, Itachi helped me find myself again, and now Kiba is taking me into the realm of true healing. He can never leave my life again. Simple as that. And I know he won't, because one day he makes it very clear to me when he invites me to be part of his coven.

"I want you to travel with me," he says.

When I glance at him, he's looking at me very seriously.

"Travel?" I repeat. I feel like this is the last thing he should be concerned about right now. He has so much growing to do still.

He nods. "I'm planning on going somewhere very specific for my final change."

My brows rise in surprise. "Final change? What?"

He glances away and bites his lip, alerting me that the topic is touchy. "I haven't had Gaara's blood yet."

I'm shocked. He won't be a true vampire until he drinks the blood of the one who changed him. Gaara is perfectly accessible, so...

"Why the wait?" I ask.

He sighs. "Gaara's been pressuring me too..."

"I'm not pressuring you," I assure. "I guess you'll do it when you're ready."

When he looks up at me, I can see a deep conflict in his eyes and I tentatively implore.

"I'm not avoiding it just to avoid it," he says. "Honestly, I don't know... if I can..." He hesitates and then says, "I've been on supplements strictly."

I nod in understanding. "You don't know if you can handle the real thing. You think you'll be driven mad and hurt someone."

He grimaces and nods.

"It's not like human blood," I inform. "It's different. You'll be affected, but the bloodlust won't go outta whack like when human blood is involved. It's even milder than animals."

He takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay," he says softly, and I can tell he's trying to let the information kill his anxiety. It doesn't though.

"Gaara will take care of you," I assure. "He always has."

"I know, I know," Kiba says. "It's easy to stay in control at home, and it'd be easy for him to catch me before I could do anything impulsive." His brows furrow slightly. "But I absolutely have to travel," he insists. "I can't do this at home."

"Why?" I ask.

He swallows thickly. "I... I wanna be at Ren's grave... and I want you in my coven, to feel safe. Don't you think she'd wanna see us do this together?"

I'm the one who looks away this time, mumbling, "I don't think she'd wanna see you do this at all."

"But I have," he says without missing a beat. "If I don't, I'll just die."

"If you don't drink Gaara's blood," I clarify. "If you don't go to Ren's grave, you'll be perfectly fine."

Kiba grabs my shoulder and his aura spills into me heavily. He's new to intentionally sending his emotions to others, so he's not good at giving them in doses. I have to swat his hand away and catch my breath. When I look back up at his face, he's grimacing and his eyes are filling with tears.

"Sasuke..." His voice is small and quivering. "I need you."

I sigh in defeat, because I couldn't deny if I wanted to. Kiba needs a coven to trust in during these early stages, and his personality is the type to seek strong bonds like that. I never was, but I feel it now. I want a coven too. I wanna feel safe.

"The feeling's mutual..."

I like the way he smiles in understanding. Words can be sparse between us, just the way I like it, and he still gets me. It's a good feeling. Freeing. Now if only Naruto and I could get here too.

I glance back at Ren's face. Not so smug anymore. Maybe I'm beginning to understand whatever Naruto was alluding to.

To be continued...

Author Note: This chapter is dedicated to BattyBigSister. Your review was enlightening, and it really helped me a lot to respond to it. Got me thinking. I appreciate what you had to say deeply, and I dedicated this chapter to you because I thought it was silly how it's from Sasuke's POV but it's still touches on the surface so lightly that you will probably be frustrated with the lack of info xD Don't fret though. I promised you answers, and answers you will get!