Nick swallowed again before opening his mouth. "She's ok."
He wasn't sure how far the words went. No, the nurse hadn't said she'd pull through. She'd said her blood pressure was stable and that her lung was looking better.
"Her - blood pressure is back up."
The relief through the room was tangible as every person had their own sigh.
Brian hadn't even looked up. The internal conflict he battled took his energy and attention away. He couldn't leave. Not now.
Nick didn't return to his seat. He kept what the nurse had said to himself selfishly. They were allowed to visit freely, staying as long as they wished. He just didn't know how to ask for time alone with her, and he needed it.
"How about we go get something to eat?" Munch put a hand on Brian's shoulder as he stood up from the bed. "I'm buying."
Their eyes gave him certainty that they wished to go. Yet there was something within them that shone with apprehension. They wanted to stay close - just in case. It wouldn't mean anything. It wouldn't help them at all. If she was gone, being close wouldn't make any difference to keep her there with them. But it was a strong feeling.
Munch added to his suggestion. "There's a restaurant just down the block."
That would keep them close enough. Brian stood on unsteady legs, accepting the hand of help Munch offered.
The plane Simon and Tracy had managed to get on left at 3:00 Portland time. Planned arrival time in New York City was too far away: 8:00 P.M., 11:00 P.M. Eastern Time.
The clouds passed outside the window, distracting Simon from his internal discomfort. He was almost sick to his stomach just thinking about Olivia, in a terrible situation again. She'd had a year full of unfair pain. That criminal had kidnapped her, tortured her. Then he attacked her again on the stand when the trial nearly destroyed her. Simon had been there to witness some of it, and it hurt him to remember it. Now her life was in the balance again.
How did god make the decisions he did? Why had Olivia had to suffer so much?
He leaned back against the seat, his sleeping daughter lying on his chest. Tracy kept Ty entertained next to her as she tried to decode the expressions on Simon's face. She couldn't.
The flight was endless, the time giving him infinite amounts of horrible images. His mind conjured up the most horrific scenes, imagining what Olivia looked like at that very moment. He was scared to see her.
The wheels of the plane jolted to the ground at 10:50 Eastern Standard Time, just as planned. The darkness of the night around JFK airport didn't phase Simon. He carried Ty as he slept, Tracy carrying Olivia in her own arms.
"James made a hotel reservation near the hospital." Tracy said as Simon hailed a cab near the front entrance.
"I'll drop you guys off and then see what I can find out." He replied.
Their room was strangely empty when they arrived. The children didn't care. Tracy and Simon tucked them in after dropping their bags. As Simon turned to leave, Tracy caught his arm gently.
"I'll see you later?" She wanted him to know she'd be there for him.
Simon nodded. "Yeah. I'll be back."
He kissed her quickly, but it showed his thanks for her support.
His hands trembled as he held them in his lap in the backseat. The cab ride was so short, it was mere cents he pulled from his pocket to pay the driver. He entered the building. The smell had always scared him. It did even more now. At the front desk, he shakily leaned on the counter.
"Um - I'm looking for Olivia Benson?" He barely spoke audibly.
The woman looked up. "I'm sorry, Sir, visiting hours are over for today." She tried to be gentle, but the day had been long.
"I know - I just - I'm her brother, Simon Marsden - her emergency contact, and they told me she was - in here." He stuttered, managing to get out all the words.
"Please." Simon had to see her. He had to know it was real.
The woman sighed, pursing her lips thoughtfully before picking up the phone. She held a finger up to signify that he was to wait. A short conversation later, she hung up and wrote something down, handing a small piece of paper up to him.
"Level 6. Room 220. There'll be another nurse waiting for you up there at ICU."
The words made his stomach drop even further. She was in the ICU. He should have put two and two together, but he hadn't.
"Thank you." He replied genuinely.
She nodded, pointing again. "Elevators are around the corner."
He took one up to the floor he was directed to, clinging to the little piece of paper like it was a lifeline. He stepped out into the hallway, eerily quiet. There was another desk in front of him, smaller than the one downstairs.
"You must be Simon." The woman stood up and reached out for the piece of paper the other woman had signed.
"Yeah." He couldn't hardly speak. His throat had dried out unexpectedly as she led him down the hallway.
"Your sister suffered a collapsed lung. She's not breathing on her own." She hated having to inform a family member of another's life-threatening condition, but it was her job.
"You can have some time with her." They had stopped in front of a doorway, her hand gesturing to the depths of the room.
Simon swallowed, not even able to say a simple "thank you." The woman left him alone, and he entered, finding his sister lying so still he thought for a moment that it was someone else. She looked so small, so fragile. His heat pumped painfully slow in his throat.
"Oh Liv." The tear that fell from his eye was followed by three more.
He took step after careful step, eventually halting next to the bedside. Her skin was as light as he'd ever seen it, her hair darker than ever. He saw the wrap on her arm, the one that wasn't visibly shriveled. He saw the bandages over the areas her skin had been torn apart.
"Oh Liv." He repeated the only two words he knew how to say.
The tube giving her air took away every authority she'd ever had. She'd been risking her life, every breath to save men and women every day. Now her lungs couldn't even take in their own breaths for her to use.
Simon sat down and reached to put his hand on hers. "I missed you." He whispered.
Brian spent supper thinking, blotting out the conversations those around him took part in. His mind was still thinking about one thing. Olivia had told him that she was ok. She too had admitted that they were both in need of support, and that they'd offered it to each other. But that seemed to be all it was. He loved her - he'd told her that. He knew she loved him as well. Was it enough?
One of the only reasons they had remained together the previous week had been because Lewis had escaped. Brian had already started packing. Olivia had known he was leaving, and she was as terrified as he was about it. But they'd agreed it was for the best. They just didn't want the same things. He wasn't ready for a family. He wasn't ready to settle down forever, and she respected that.
Brian felt like throwing up. What was he supposed to do?
Munch noticed the distance his friend had, but he said nothing.
They returned to the hotel after stopping at a bar. Another storm took the last's place. Nick was ready to go. As the conversations continued, Nick said goodnight. He left for his own room, leaving out his door, but he couldn't manage to leave yet. When the room next to his had gone quiet, the numbers on the clock reading 12:15, he sat up, having never been sleeping.
The rain wasn't hard to trudge through. He made it to the hospital's entrance in little time, entering with his badge in his hand. He would use it if nothing else got him in. The woman looked up at him quizzically as he came in.
"Sir -" she was just about to recite again her line that visiting hours were over. She stopped when he took his badge from his belt.
"The nurse at ICU called - said Olivia Benson was free to have visitors." He said, trying to keep his voice as confident as he could. It was harder than he thought.
The woman eyed him again, but granted him access. "You know what room?" She asked as he walked past.
Nick nodded back at her and continued. When he entered the room, he had no idea that he'd missed seeing Simon at her bedside by a mere ten minutes.
Olivia's body hadn't changed at all since he'd last seen her, but it hurt him just as much as it had earlier. He didn't hesitate for long. The chair next to her bed was not comfortable, adding to the uneasy he felt about the whole room. Her hands lay still next to her body. Nick leaned forward and took one of them into his own. The lump in his throat had returned, painfully large.
"I don't know if you can hear me." He began, not caring if she could or not. "But we need you back."
The words were so soft not another soul in the world had any chance of hearing them, no one except Olivia. He tried to swallow the pain in his throat, but discovered he could not.
"You just have to fight a little longer."
The wind drove sheets of rain relentlessly into the side of the window. New York City was drenched, almost to the point of flooding.
"We're all going to help you the best that we can." His voice shook. "There's just not much we can do if you don't wake up."
It scared him, saying those words. What if she didn't wake up? that would leave them all in a panic. They didn't know how much they depended on her until she wasn't there to hold their weight anymore.
Lighting ripped the sky open, sending rays of bright light into the darkened room. At the same time, Nick found that he couldn't see. A tear had blurred his eye as he stared down at the hand in his grasp. Those hands had done so much for so many. She was a woman who understood her duties, and she had accepted that her job might take her life. Nothing about that seemed fair.
"Liv, Lewis is gone now. He's dead." It was like he was reminding himself. No doubt she knew.
"We're going to get you through this." Then he let the rain drown out his words, not expelling any more energy to try and talk.
He just stroked her hand gently and stared at her face. It was an odd mix of terror and mystery when he looked at her. The obvious injuries mingled with the strange beauty. The paleness of her face left her cheek bones more prominent than they'd ever been. It gave her face an angelic sort of beauty. It was stunning. It was haunting.
Her eyes opened, seeing nothing at first. The wave of panic within her was replaced instantly by the awareness of pain, excruciating pain that radiated from every part of her body. The room was dark. She felt the intrusion in her throat, unable to do a thing about it.
Her eyes blinked frantically. She had to make a sound.
The pain was like a thousand fiery needles. When she tried to move her arm, a muted cry tore from her throat. Her eyes focused on a form, a body in the chair next to her. His feet were on her bed, his head back as he slept.
Nick. It was the hospital.
Her uncertainty dissolved, remembering vividly what had happened. Her pain, however, did not relent. She reached her good arm toward him, needing desperately to get help. The night was dark.
How long had it been?
Tears came to her eyes as she touched his hand, weakly moving her fingers so that they gripped his wrist. His eyes came open as he sat forward violently. He met her gaze as he snapped awake.
"Oh my god." He leaned forward. "Liv."