PART FOUR
Anna was fairly lucky, she supposed, in that while she felt a bit queasy all the time, she wasn't throwing up dramatically every morning. She was tired, but who wasn't. And even though the weather continued warm, a cardigan could generally conceal whatever was going on with her chest.
Of course, the fact that her flatmate was never at home because he was more interested in proving to his girlfriend how serious and committed he could be, that helped too.
And Elsa kept popping up in her head. It was so annoying the way she did that, even when she was thousands of miles away and had no idea what was going on.
- So, are you just not going to tell him?
- I will. Once I know what I'm going to do.
- If you deal with it quickly you won't have to tell him.
- I know. I don't know.
- It's been two weeks. Not making a decision is making a decision.
"You alright?"
"Hmm?"
Kristoff had been going into the kitchen, but paused when he saw her lying on the sofa. "Are you alright? You look a bit pale. And you're not moving."
"I've - just got a bad cold or something. Don't worry about me."
When Sven told Kristoff to clear a day for looking at wedding suits, he'd thought his friend was exaggerating as usual; but apparently this was another wedding thing that involved a dozen little decisions and a lot of faffing about (with tape measures, and calendars, and goodness-knew-what).
"So how's the love life?" Sven said while buttoning a waistcoat. "I only ask because the hotel wants the final headcount so I need to know if you're bringing a plus one."
"Good, thank you. Really good."
"Really? Does she want a vegetarian meal?"
"You know Maria's not a vegetarian."
"Still Maria, then."
"Stop it."
"Sorry. This one, then?"
"Look - "
"I mean the waistcoat."
"Oh, sure. I thought the wedding colour was fuchsia?"
"The cravats will be fuchsia. And we'll all look very dashing."
"Doesn't Jessica need to approve what we're wearing?"
"She trusts me," Sven said loftily. "But also yes. Put your waistcoat on and I'll take your picture."
"Can't I take your picture?"
"Don't be ridiculous."
"So you managed to convince her, then?" Sven said as he fiddled with his phone. "That you don't like Anna? I was sure she'd badger you until you moved out."
"She trusts me," Kristoff said, but it didn't sound as convincing when he said it.
"And?"
"What?"
"Do you like Anna?"
"Sven."
Sven shrugged. "Just asking. I won't tell."
Kristoff looked sideways at his friend. For all Sven's volume and excessive extroversion, he knew he could keep a secret. "Alright. I do, a bit."
Sven laughed. "I knew it!"
"But not, like - she's pretty, you know? I mean, what man wouldn't."
"Sure, sure."
"But we're friends, we're adults. We've talked about it -"
"Oh, aye?"
"- and we're not going to do it again."
Kristoff didn't realise what he'd said until he saw the expression on his friend's face. "Well, shit."
"Do what again, Kristoff?"
"Forget I said anything."
Sven leant in and hissed "Have you slept with her? Why did I not know about this?"
"Why would you know about it!"
"So you HAVE! Kristoff Evelyn Bjorgman -"
"- that's not my middle name -"
"- I did not bring you up to be a dirty cheat."
"I am NOT -" he lowered his voice as the shop assistant walked past - "Maria and I were not together at the time - at any of the times -"
"Any of the times, this just keeps getting better -"
"But we're not going to do it again, that's what counts. I'm with Maria again now, everything is good, Anna was a - a distraction."
"Would everything with Maria be so good if she knew about it? I mean, all your body parts still seem to be attached, so I'm assuming she doesn't. Jesus, Kristoff, I never expected this kind of thing of you."
Kristoff paused for a second. "Neither did I," he said.
He took off the waistcoat and hung it back up, avoiding Sven's gaze.
"So what are you going to do?" Sven said. "Are you going to tell her?"
"I…"
"Exactly. Wouldn't you rather be with someone you can be honest with? Or someone who doesn't make you want to sleep with another woman at every opportunity?"
"It's not like that," Kristoff said, but he didn't even sound convincing to himself.
"You know what I actually think?" Sven continued.
"What?"
"Forget Maria, obviously. But leave Anna alone, too, for the minute. She's a nice girl and she doesn't deserve you getting all your broken-hearted angst all over her."
"Really?"
"You're a nice lad and you'll make someone a wonderful husband one day but right now that woman has you all fucked up."
"That's not what I was expecting you to say. Not quite."
"Well, I'm a man of mystery. Now come here and tell me which of these pink cravats most closely matches this swatch from the bridesmaid dresses."
"Anna?"
She hadn't even heard him come in. She'd been sitting on the sofa, indulging in a quiet moment of blind panic and chewing her thumbnails down to the quick, and now Kristoff was standing in the doorway, looking at her with concern.
"Oh. Hi."
He came over and sat next to her. "Anna, is everything okay?"
"Mmm? Sure. Yes. Of course."
"It's just - look, I'm sure it's none of my business, but -" he hesitated. She wanted to reassure him that she was fine, but the lie stuck in her throat.
Kristoff's eyes were still searching her face. "I know you said you'd just been under the weather, but it just seems to be going on and on. And - I rang up to your office a couple of days ago to ask you something and they said you had a hospital appointment."
Anna took a deep breath. "I did. I'm sorry, I should've told you, I should've told you weeks ago…"
"Told me what?"
He was so close, so sympathetic, so worried, and she thought, oh god, he probably thinks I'm seriously ill or something. If only.
"Stay here," she said, and walked on tottering legs into her bedroom. She'd hidden it in the bottom drawer of her bedside table, under a pile of old letters and diaries. She slipped it out of the envelope for one more long look, then took it back into the living room.
Anna sat on the sofa, handed him the paper, and scrunched back up on the seat, looking at her hands. Part of her wanted to see his face, but more of her didn't, and she was so used to swallowing down nausea that she barely noticed it any more as she waited for him to speak.
"Is this yours? Of course it is, it's got your name on it. Fuck. You're pregnant?"
"Yeah."
"Fuck."
She risked a sideways glance at him. Kristoff was staring at the ultrasound picture, his face pale. Anna realised she was going to cry. What did you think, you idiot? You thought he'd be pleased? Of course not, but maybe a tiny part of her had had a tiny piece of hope.
"This says twelve weeks," Kristoff said slowly. "How long have you known?"
"Um."
"Anna."
"A - a month? Maybe?"
"And you didn't tell me?"
Now the tears came, and she couldn't stop them, just bury her head in her hands and sob "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…but you and Maria were getting on so well...I knew it'd ruin everything...I'm sorry…"
He put an arm around her and pulled her towards him. For a few minutes they sat side by side like that, neither speaking. Anna took a handful of tissues from the box on the coffee table and blew her nose.
"Have you decided?" Kristoff said quietly.
Anna nodded. "I'm sorry…"
"Don't be sorry. As much my fault as yours." He sat in thought for another minute. "I'll have to tell her. I'll tell her and that'll be it."
Anna bit down another apology. "You don't know that."
"I do. Have you told anyone else?"
"Only the doctor. I need to ring my sister. Oh god. She's going to be so cross with me."
Kristoff squeezed her arm. "We'll do it at the same time. Tomorrow evening?"
"OK."
Kristoff texted to say he was coming over, but not why. As soon as she let him in the door he said "Maria, there's something I need to talk to you about."
"Sure." She sat on the sofa and waved him down next to her. "What's up?"
Rip off the plaster. Spit it out. "Anna's pregnant."
"What, really? God. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend."
"She doesn't."
"God, poor Anna. So is she having it? Does she want you to move out, is that it?"
"No - I mean, yes she is, but no, she doesn't want me to move out."
"Then what d'you look so worried for? It's not your problem."
He hesitated.
"Right, Kris?"
He took a deep breath, but didn't get a chance to speak.
"Oh my god, Kris, are you fucking kidding me? For fucking months you've been telling me I've nothing to worry about, on your high horse about how I should trust you when I KNEW there was something going on -" She was on her feet now, pacing, and he stood to meet her eyes.
"It's not like that!"
"So what is it like? Because if she's having your fucking baby I don't see what else it COULD be like."
"I was never - unfaithful to you - but sometimes, when we were broken up -"
"You fucked her."
He nodded, wincing.
"Jesus Christ. So, what, are you together?"
"No. I don't know."
"You don't know? Either it meant something or it didn't, for fuck's sake."
And there was the out, the safety-line. Say it didn't mean anything, say it was just sex, say it just happened because they were drunk and she was there and now it was all fucked up but you're the one I want, Maria. You're the one I love.
A memory flashed up in his mind. Anna, laughing as she threw herself down on his bed. I can't believe this keeps happening, oh god, we're a disaster. Kissing her to shut her up.
Watching her fall asleep, after, with a clench in his chest that he couldn't explain.
The slap across his cheek shocked him back into the room. Maria dropped her hand, and when he met her eyes he could see they were stinging with tears. "You bastard," she said. "Get out, just get out."
Kristoff found Anna lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, her phone in one hand.
"You did it?" she asked, without looking at him.
"Yeah. You?"
"Mmhmm. I thought it would be easier on the phone but it was harder, Elsa goes quiet when she's angry and when you can't see her face it's hard to judge, you know. What to say." She sighed. "But I did it. I'll speak to her again tomorrow and she'll be calmer."
Kristoff sat on the side of her bed and Anna looked up. "And you? How'd she take it?"
"Oh, god, phenomenally badly. As I expected."
"She shouted at you?"
"Of course. But I deserve it."
Anna sat up and, to his surprise, ran her finger along his left cheekbone. "Did she do this?"
"I didn't realise there was a mark. But yes, and I deserve that too."
"No one deserves to be hit." She stroked her finger along his cheek again, then flopped back onto the bed. "So you broke up? For good?"
"I - don't know, actually? She just threw me out. But - I'm done. I mean it this time."
"Mmhmm."
"I do."
"Heard it all before, Kristofer," she said, but her tone was mild. He lay down next to her.
"Oh, god. I have to tell my mother."
"You could not," Anna said.
"How could I not? She's round here every five minutes."
"Wait and see how long it is before she guesses, or dares ask. It'll be hilarious. I'm sitting on the sofa, out to here -"
"Flipping through the Mothercare catalogue -"
"While you're screwing together a cot in the corner, and she can't say anything because you never ask a woman if she's pregnant."
"I'll tell her tomorrow," Kristoff said. "Or once my face has calmed down."
"I bet," Anna said slowly after a minute, "I bet if you'd had to unexpectedly get someone pregnant, I bet you wish it was your actual girlfriend."
"Maria?"
"That one, yes." Then she laughed at the expression on his face. "Or not?"
"I - would rather not be in this situation at all -"
"Tell me about it."
"- but given that I am - I don't know."
"Does Maria have a big brother?"
"What?"
"Cousins, uncles, dad who's a boxer? Is the Arundel mafia going to turn up on our doorstep and beat you to a pulp, is my question."
"Because she's Italian? That's a bit racist. There's no Arundel mafia."
"That's what they want you to think."
"Why're you in such a good mood?"
Anna looked puzzled, then said. "Relief, I think. I told you and I told Elsa and the world is still turning."
"I guess. It took a lurch for a moment there."
He looked sideways at her. Anna's hand had drifted to lie over her stomach, and she was looking at the ceiling, thoughtful.
"Penny for them."
"Kristoff, I don't want to be your rebound. I mean - oh, I don't know - maybe if you'd been single when we met...but you weren't, and now it's all complicated, and even though - I still think what I thought before. We should be friends, and flatmates, just now we're friends and flatmates who're having a baby together. And if that gets too weird, and one of us wants to move out or have the other move out, then we can talk about that then, but for now? I think we should stay how we are and see how it goes. Does that make sense?"
"I think so."
"You don't want to move out?"
He looked at her. "No."