So some of you wanted the trip to Taiwan covered, some not ... and I had one review that had me thinking for a while (thanks HP, your two cents really helped me ;-) ) and in the end I came up with the idea for this chapter. It's set after the Taiwan trip, but before they find out if they are going to have a boy or girl. For those of you who wanted the trip, Christian will reflect a little on the trip in this chapter.

Christian's POV

Damn, it's good to be home again. The trip to Taiwan was a success, the deal is sealed and I can breathe a little easier, knowing that I don't have to take responsibility for 5000 people losing their jobs. Ana and I arrived back home early yesterday evening and today I only have a couple of meetings and my appointment with Flynn.

I really need to sort my shit out and he better helps me with it. My mom stopped by at my office on Monday letting me have it for my behavior towards Ana on Sunday. For me this topic was dealt with after Ana forgave me, but my moms visit had me thinking. This was the second time I doubted Ana on being a good mom, so maybe this will be a problem in the long haul. Hell, I know I fucked up and overreacted, but having had the time to think about it for more than a week now, I know that this could become an issue for me and Ana. Right now, she is understanding and forgives me my fuck ups, but I know if I question her abilities as a mother some more she will explode and it won't be pretty.

So, today Flynn has to help me with it. I hate revisiting my past with the crack whore, but I'm sure that's where the crux of my problem lies. I don't want to doubt Ana in anything, fuck, if she can love me, she can love just about anyone, still sometimes my old self makes an unwanted appearance and I need to fix this before the baby is born. Another reason why I need to see Flynn today is that tomorrow Ana has her next check up and we will find out the sex of our baby. I don't want to freak out in front of Ana if we are having a girl, but at this point I'm in cold sweat only thinking about it. I know with time I will get used to the thought, but in all honesty I need to have a boy first. Christ, if we have a daughter that looks anything like Ana I will most likely not allow her to leave the house until she is 50.

I guess praying that if it is a girl, she is as ugly as possible is not a nice thing to do, but it would give me some peace of mind. I asked Taylor how it is to have a daughter and he is over the moon with his little girl, but then again, Taylor is not a fuck up like I am.

My thoughts are interrupted by my cell and I see Patrick's number flashing as caller ID.

"Hey Patrick, how is your camping trip going?"

"Dude, you ratted me out to my dad! That's so not cool" he says and that makes me laugh.

"Hey, just making sure it's not you who makes me an uncle for the first time, you're a little too young for that."

"What, Nataly is not pregnant!"

"Yeah, and for your sake I hope it stays that way and it's not my job to give you the be safe not sorry talk. So, listen to your father."

"Okay, man, I thought you were cool." He sulks.

"I am, if I weren't I would have told your sister how I found you and your little friend in your room. So, see you saturday."

"Bye, and say hi to Ana for me."

"Will do, bye" I hang up and shake my head. Who would have thought that he would go for it like that. It was at the BBQ when Ana was already asleep in my lap that I realised that I hadn't seen him and his little friend for more than two hours. I excused myself to put Ana to bed and once she was in our bed I went looking for them.

Sure enough they were in his room and that little chick was giving him head. I mean I get it, he is 15 and horny, been there done that, but if they are not even clever enough to lock the door, my fear is they won't use protection if they want to take it further either. So, I told Ray to have 'the talked' with him while they were camping. I would love to put his little friend on birth control as well, but I guess that wouldn't go down well with her parents.

See, another thing why I need a son first, if that would have been 15-year-old daughter giving head to a boy, the little fucker wouldn't have lived to see another day, as it is, I hope they wait until it's legal at least, but if not they need protection. If he thinks I ratted him out, so be it, he will thank me when he's thirty and doesn't have to pay child support to his 15-year-old kid. I guess I should have told Ana, but she likes to see her brother as an innocent little boy and I would hate to take that away from her, so I decided for now there is no need for her to know. Though, if Patrick brings his little friend home again, they are no longer allowed to be alone in his room and I will have someone have an eye on them at all times.

I take a look at my calendar and see that I have one more meeting before I have to leave for my appointment with Flynn. I still have fifteen minute before the meeting starts, so I decide to call Ana.

"Hi Christian"

"Hi baby, where are you, it's so loud in the background."

"I'm at the mall, stupid me, I decided to wear my highest heels for today and now my feet are killing me, I'm just buying some flats before my next appointment. How was your day so far?"

"Good, Patrick called, he says hello."

"Okay, oh and I have some more meetings for my project today, so I won't be home before six."

"That sucks, I thought you had your special craving again" I smirk and I know she is blushing right now.

"Christian! Don't say that while I'm in the middle of the mall and to be honest yes, I am craving you, but I have no time to stop by and give into that craving."

"You can have me as soon as you are home, I have to go now, baby, bye."

"Bye."

I hang up and allow myself to reflect on the first day Ana had this particular craving.

- Flashback third day of the Taiwan trip -

Fuck, those Taiwanese will be the death of me. How can those fuckers be so stubborn, it's not like they are having anyone at their hand who is even willing to pay half of what I'm offering them. Still, they try to fuck with me and make this negotiations way more difficult than it has to be. At this point I would like to tell them to go to hell, but I can't do that seeing how many jobs are at stake here.

Arriving back at the hotel all I want is to have dinner and take Ana to bed. Taylor opens the door for me and the first thing I see is Ana pacing the suite like a caged animal.

"Baby, what is wrong?" I ask her and she turns around.

"Finally!" and with that she comes over to me grabs me by the shirt and drags me into bedroom slamming the door shut. In my mind I try to think of where I could have possibly fucked up while I was gone, because I'm sure she is about to chew me out, but much to my surprise she drops to her knees in front of me, opens my zipper and pulls my dick out.

Well, fuck me, I'm sure as fuck not complaining about it, but she hasn't even said hello, I wonder what this is about.

I watch her rub my dick who of course stands to attention in less than 15 seconds and she isn't losing any time either. Her tongue makes contact with the head of my erection and she swirls it around teasingly while gazing up at me through her lashes and then goes all in taking me to the back of her throat repeatedly and every time I hit the end of her throat she makes this humming sound deep in her throat that vibrates through my dick all the way down to my toes. Fuck me, she never did that before, but it's hot as hell.

I throw my head back and fist my fingers in her hair guiding her mouth up and down on my dick until I come in her mouth. She licks me clean and tucks my dick back into my pants before she gets to her feet. "Man, I couldn't think of anything else than to suck you off all day, come on let's have dinner, after that I want to do that again." she grins and leaves the room. Hell, if that's her newest craving I'm sure as fuck won't complain about it.

- End of flashback -

Since that day she is giving me head left and right. This morning, I woke up because she was sucking my dick. And her sex drive is off the roof as well, I think over the last week she ripped at least ten of my shirts open because she couldn't wait to just open them. If she is like that every time she is pregnant, I might have to keep her pregnant for the next twenty years. I mean, our sex life was rocking even before she was pregnant, but now it's out of this world. Last night after we returned she made me watch her touching herself and I nearly came in my pants it was so hot. I know we have to slow it down a little when her pregnancy is more advanced, but for now I'm sure as hell enjoying this side-effects.

After my last meeting for the day, Taylor drives me over to Flynn's office and I can go right in.

John is sitting at his desk and I sit down on one of the sofas. "So, Christian, what do you want to talk about today?"

"I fucked up John, I questioned if Ana can be a good mother twice in the last weeks. She forgave me and reassured me both times, but still I don't think it should be this way."

"Can you explain what happened both times?"

"The first time was after her mom turned into a selfish bitch. I came to thinking ... you know, if her mother realised after she had Ana, that having kids it's too much to deal with for her and that she was missing out on many things, maybe Ana is going to feel the same way, she is so young and I asked her if she felt pressured into having a baby so soon. She wasn't pissed or anything and reassured me that she wants our baby just as much as I do. I know she will love it, but before we went to Taiwan I really lost it."

"What happened?"

"We were having a BBQ with our family and I was standing by the grill with the guys while Ana and the other women sat together. I looked over to her and saw her holding a glass of wine. I completely lost it, John. I stormed over to her, yelled at her and smashed the glass to the ground."

"You do realise that having a sip of wine even while being pregnant is not forbidden. Of course it should stay with one sip from time to time and not turn into one glass every day."

"Fuck John, it wasn't even her wine, she was just holding it for Kate, who was digging through her purse to find her phone."

"How did Ana react?"

"She was mad and upset, she stormed inside and seeing her running from me send me into a fit of panic. I ran after her and stopped her, I apologized and she forgave me."

"Immediately?"

"Yes. To me we had dealt with it, but the next day my mom came to my office and really let me have it for my behavior. After she left I started to think about it and I'm not sure if this is really done now or if my old self will show up again, soon."

"Do you think Ana will be a good mother?"

"Yes, she is loving, caring, she can set boundaries and I know she will be a great mother, but sometimes I'm just worried. I want my child to have a happy childhood and you know I can only control what I am doing."

"Have you talked to Ana about this?"

"No, I mean, how many times can I question her on this before she not only gets upset but really pissed. I... I'm afraid she is going to leave me if she thinks I will have her every move watched once the baby is here."

"Are you planning to do this?"

"No, of course she will continue to have security, but I'm not planning on putting cameras everywhere or something like that."

"Would you feel comfortable if Ana decided to make a trip with the baby without you?"

"As long as she would tell me where they are going and she has security with her, yes, it would be fine."

"So, you trust her that she will take care of the child, even if you are not with her?"

"Yes."

"Christian, is it possible that the situation with Ana's mother reminded you of your birth mother. After all, she wasn't willing to take proper care of you and later Mia." Fuck, here we go.

"It's possible" I mutter, still not wanting to go there.

"And when you saw Ana with a drink in hand, were you thinking of how your mother drank and used drugs while you lived with her, something she has most likely done while she was pregnant with you, too?"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I hate this and usually I would leave if he would start this shit, but I have to get it together for Ana and the baby.

"Yes, I saw Ana holding the glass and all I could think of was how this was most likely something the crack whore would have done while she was pregnant with me. It made me so mad, I couldn't think straight."

"Have you talked to Ana about this?"

"No, I told you, I don't want her to think, that I think she is going to be a bad mother, because I know she won't."

"I think it is important for you to address this, maybe you two should come here for a joined session. Ana needs to understand that your concerns have nothing to do with her, but with the fact that you are still working on your issues with your birth mother. Also, for the time to come I want you to go back to have one session a week, we can go back to twice a month once we have worked through this issues."

"John, I need to fix this, I don't want Ana to think I'm questioning her in any way, because I'm not."

"Then this will be one of the things we are going to discuss with Ana when you have your joined session. For now I want you to keep in mind that your wish to keep your child safe is perfectly normal, you just have to realise that history is not going to repeat itself with your child. You were born in completely different circumstances, your mother was a drug addict, she had no money and I assume she never planned to get pregnant.

Ana and you planned to have a child, you are married, in love, financially secured, you have a family that will love this baby as well, the chances that your child will experience even the tiniest bit of the horror you had to endure as a baby and small child is nearly none existent. I also want you to think about the possibility, that both times it wasn't even about your baby, but about yourself and what you wish your mother had done while she was pregnant with you."

"Fine" I snap getting defensive about this topic.

"Good, I can see that it is best to leave this subject for now, is there anything else you would like to discuss Christian?"

"Yes, Ana has her next check up tomorrow and the chances are high that we are going to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. What can I do, so I won't freak out in front of Ana if it is a girl?"

Damn, fucking Flynn isn't even trying to hide is amusement. "Well, Christian, you always knew that there is the same chance to have girl than to have a boy. Many men worry more about having a girl, but I can assure you that once you know it is a girl, it won't make a difference to you."

"Oh, it will, John. If I have a daughter, even I feel bad for her, because she will never be allowed to leave the house, I know what guys want and they are not getting it from my daughter."

"So, this is more about the fact that if you have a daughter, she won't stay a baby, than the fact that you don't want a daughter at all?"

"No, yes... I don't know, hell, you know me John, before Ana, I couldn't stand women at all if it was not to fuck them, what kind of advise could I give to a girl?"

"Christian, this is not true, for example you were always a good brother to your sister, she looks up to you, so there must have been things you have done right. Besides, your baby won't talk for a while or have questions that will need good advise, so you can grow into role slowly." he winks at me.

"I just don't want Ana to think I want the baby less, because it is a girl."

"Have you talked to her about your concerns?"

"Yes, she thinks if it is a girl, I will love her just as much."

"Then maybe you should just trust her on this one." I glare at him, that was no help at all, but seeing that the hour is over I leave his office and check my messages once Taylor and I are in the elevator.

I have some messages from work and one from Ana.

* I wish I could be with you right now, I think I won't be home before 7, ask Gail to make pasta please... I love you and miss you. A. xx*

I text her back and since I don't need to go back to the office today, I come up with an idea. I want to surprise Ana today.

"Taylor, please stop at the next supermarket" I tell him and see his bewildered expression in the rear view mirror. Yeah, that's a first. I think I haven't been in a supermarket for ... hell, I don't think I was in one of those places since I was 10 or 11, that could get interesting.

While Taylor is driving I load an app with recipes on my blackberry and find the right one. It looks simple enough and Ana will surely be surprised if I cook dinner for her. Fuck, I hope this doesn't end in a disaster.

In the supermarket I'm a little overwhelmed, who knew that there are so many different sorts of pasta on the market. But, after an hour and with the help of Taylor I have all the ingredients that I need and we arrive home at half past 5 pm, so this will give me enough time to change quickly and then start to cook.

When we arrive with the grocery bags in the kitchen Gail stares open-mouthed at me.

"Good afternoon, Gail. I decided to cook for my wife today, you can take the rest of the day off."

"Umm... Sir, I'm only too happy to help you" she says clearly alarmed by the fact that I want to cook.

"No, I have all that I need, but thank you Gail." I actually have to suppress the urge to laugh when Gail looks around the kitchen as if she is saying goodbye to a loved one who is about to die, but she nods and leaves. I leave the bags in the kitchen and change into jeans and a t-shirt before I go back downstairs.

My research showed me that I should start with the dessert, so it can cool in the fridge until it is served. So, this is my first task. Ana loves chocolate, which is why I decided to make chocolate tart with hot cherries. This doesn't sound to difficult to make, but those eggs are tricky fuckers and by the time I have the two eggs I need separated I have used all 24 eggs that were in the fridge, not to mention that I dropped the ones I bought on the floor. But I have enough time to clean that mess before Ana arrives. Once the chocolate tart is in the oven, I continue with the pasta. Put water and salt in a pot and boil it, that's simple enough, I think to myself and follow the instructions.

So far, I think I'm doing well, though the kitchen looks a mess, there are cracked eggs, flour and chocolate everywhere. Maybe I should start to clean now, Ana will be here in about an hour or less, if she sees that, I'm not sure she will like the fact that I cooked for her. Why does this look so easy if Gail or Ana are in the kitchen?

I use a kitchen towel to clean the worktop from the flour and chocolate, but it doesn't help. Shit, where does Gail keep the cleaning supplies? I look around for it when two things happen at the same time, first I slip in the mess of cracked eggs on the floor and while trying to keep me from landing on ass, I somehow hit the cutting board which is placed on the edge of one of the lower cupboards and it catapults the bowl of tomatoes that I placed on it against the wall. I land on my ass with a thud, right in the middle of the now completely smashed eggs and as if that wasn't enough the fire alarm goes off, because I placed the fucking kitchen towel next to the stove and it caught fire.

Taylor comes running into the kitchen and sees me sitting on the floor surrounded by cracked eggs, chocolate, flour and tomatoes that left stains on the white wall and the freaking burning towel. He takes it out quickly while laughing his ass off. Fuck me, this kitchen clearly wants to kick my ass, but now I'm mad. Hell, if I can't cook a simple meal for my wife.

"Do you need help, Sir?" Taylor asks still trying to stop laughing.

"Do we have more tomatoes?" I snap while I get up.

"Umm, maybe in the fridge, Sir. Shall I get some air freshener, so Mrs. Grey won't notice this little accident."

"Yes, that would be good. Good thinking, Taylor" While he is looking for the air freshener, I open a window and wash my hands. Damn it, I need to change again before Ana is home and I have not more than 30 minutes before she is here.

"The water is cooking, Sir." Taylor says and I put the pasta into the water while he is spraying the air freshener.

"Do you need more help, Sir?"

"No, thanks Taylor." When he is out of the kitchen, I decide to cheat a little. I know Gail freezes some things, so if I'm lucky there is some sort of pasta sauce in the freezer and I don't have to cook it. I have no more time and need to clean this mess and change before Ana arrives.

I look through the freezer and thank fuck, there is a plastic container which has chicken alfredo written on it. Yes, that will do. At least I heated it myself, so this should count for something. I wonder if I can put the plastic container in the microwave. Nah, I don't need any more trouble here, I will put it in a small pot and heat that in the microwave, pots can't melt, right?

After some fighting to get the frozen sauce out of the container it's in the pot and I put it in the microwave, though I decide to change before I switch it on. I bought prepared salad, so I only have to put in onto plates as a starter, so now I have a little time.

I change quickly and get back into the kitchen. The pasta is still in the water, the cake is almost ready and all I have to do is heat the sauce, arrange the salad on plates and clean the kitchen. Hell, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I arrange the salad onto plates and place them on the breakfast bar, after that I look around for a mob to take care of the mess. Maybe I should take the pasta out first, no, I better let it cook a little longer so it's still warm when Ana arrives.

Fuck, the damned mob is worth shit, all it did was spread the mess of tomatoes, chocolate, eggs and flour. What now? I look over to the pot with the pasta and the water is almost gone. Damn, I better get them out. I look around for a sieve, find one and take the pasta off the stove. Looks like they are sticky, shit!

I look at the clock and now it's close to seven. Fuck, I'll never be able to clean this mess before Ana arrives. Maybe I can just cover it, get a rug from the livingroom and just place it on top of it. No, Ana would want to know why I did that, damn it, was that the front door?

"Christian I'm home!" I hear Ana's voice and decide to just explain the mess and heat the sauce so we can eat. I switch the microwave on and a second later Ana arrives in the kitchen looking at the mess on the floor, then to me and back again.

"What happened in here?"

"I decided to cook you dinn..."

"CHRISTIAN!" Ana screams suddenly grabs me and pulls me out of the kitchen just when I hear a loud bang and the fucking fire alarm goes off again.

"Fuck, what was that?"

"I guess the microwave exploded, there were flames coming out of it. What in the world is going on, Christian?" Ana asks and Taylor runs past us with a fire distinguisher in his hands.

"I wanted to surprise you" I mutter not daring to look at her.

"And you decided to do that by destroying our kitchen?"

"Ana, that kitchen is cursed, I swear it was trying to attack me" I try to defend myself.

"Maybe you provoked it" Ana says and starts to laugh. Well, at least she is not yelling at me.

"Sir, I've put the fire out, though I guess the kitchen now needs renovation and umm, I wouldn't eat that salad anymore." he says. Great that was probably the one edible thing I made tonight, shit!

"Well let's see what's left of our kitchen" Ana giggles and back inside I cringe. I really destroyed our kitchen.

"Looks like even though our kitchen put up one hell of a fight you defeated it" Ana says looking around the mess of food, soot and the white foam from the fire distinguisher.

She walks over to the sink and frowns looking into the sieve with the pasta.

"You said you would like pasta for dinner" I mutter embarrassed and Ana takes a fork pokes it into the sieve and lifts the entire pasta out off it with the fork.

"Look at that, you cooked one giant noodle" she says and cracks up again looking at it before putting it back into the sieve.

I can't help it, I have to laugh, too. Damn, what a cluster fuck. What the hell possessed me to even think I could cook. I silently make a vow to myself that I will never try it again, though I suspect that neither Ana nor Gail will ever allow me anywhere near the kitchen, which works for me. I won't ever go through this again!

Ana walks over to me and presses a kiss on my lips. "Thank you, I know you tried and that's all that counts."

"Yeah, well, I guess we have to order something now. Wow, Gail will have my ass when she sees this, do you think I should clean this up before she comes in here tomorrow morning?"

"Christian, don't take this the wrong way, but our poor kitchen has endured enough for one evening, I will ask Gail to help me clean this mess up or maybe just have a cleaning crew do it, I'm bone tired."

"You know what baby, you go nap a little and I arrange the cleaning crew and order dinner, anything specific you would like?"

"Chinese sounds good to me, broccoli chicken and fried noodles."

"Good, I'll order it"

"I'll take a nap on the couch. I love you, Mister Grey" she yawns and I watch her leave the battlefield that only an hour ago was our kitchen. I ask Taylor to call a cleaning crew and then order the food.

An hour later Ana and I are sitting on the floor of our livingroom eating the chinese food with chopsticks.

"I saw Flynn today, he suggest that we should have a joined session" I tell her.

"Okay, why?"

"I was thinking a lot about the family BBQ and my behavior when I saw you with the wine."

"Yeah, me too." she says and I frown.

"Why?"

"It worries me that you could think I'm going to be a bad mother and I'm wondering what I did to make you feel that way."

"Ana, this is not about you. I guess, in someway I'm still asking myself why the crack whore didn't care about me. When I saw you with that glass in your hand, in some way I was seeing her and ... and I guess I wanted to yell at her for not protecting me and being a lousy mother and you just happened to provoke that reaction by holding the glass. I would never believe for one second that you would do anything to harm our baby."

Ana puts her plate down scoots closer and takes my hand. "I think you need to tell her how you feel, tell her what she has done to you and how it made you feel."

"She is dead, Ana." Where is she going with this?

"I know, but you could go to her grave or write a letter, just get it all out. You never had that kind of closure and you deserve it. She was the worst mother a child could possibly have and you have a right to get it all out. Mia did that and she told me it really helped her."

"She went to her grave?"

"Yes, she told me a couple of months ago, that she went to her grave and just started to speak to her telling her how she feels about what she did to her, to you and her showing up here which got her killed in the end. Mia said it really helped her to get over the anger and hate she felt for your birth mother. She wasn't sure how you would react to her seeing your birth mothers grave, so she only told me. But I think it could help you too. You have bottled up all this anger for so many years, it is not unusual that at some point you need an outlet for it."

"I don't want you to be that outlet Ana, my greatest fear is that I will say or do something and you will leave me because of it."

"You should know by now that I'm not going anywhere, but you have to work this out, not just for you, but for us too. I don't want to feel like I have to watch what I am doing once our child is born, because you could think I'm not a good mother."

"I know, I don't want that either. So, you will come to see Flynn with me and I will think about what you said, you know visiting her grave."

"Yes, you know I'm right here when ever you need me."

"I need you all the time, baby." I tell her with a shy smile and lean forward to kiss her.

"Wait" she stops me and puts both hands on her belly. "Oh my god, Christian! I can feel it, I can feel the baby move!" Ana pipes super excited.

"Really, are you sure, I've read some women mistake it with having gas."

"What? No! I know how having gas feels, that's not it."

"How does it feel?" Fuck, now I'm excited too, I stare at her belly but I can't see any movement.

"I don't know, it's weird like little wings who are fluttering against my belly from the inside. I wish you could feel it, too, it's so amazing." she whispers in awe and I pull her into my lap and hold her close.

Ana is right, I need to sort this out and soon. It is not fair that she has to think about the fact that I might feel like she is a bad mother, when I know she is not. She is so full of love, there is no way she will turn out to be anything else but an amazing mother. So, I will do what ever it takes to finally get over my past, because I will not ever allow my past to collide with my future with Ana and our baby.

Next chapter will be up by Thursday... let me know what you think, should they have a boy or a girl? Thanks for reading :-)