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Christian's POV
I have felt restless for the last couple of days. My mind keeps drifting back to my early childhood and all the things Ana and I are doing to have everything ready once Teddy arrives and I'm sure Ella did none of those things for me. I remember sleeping in a corner on the floor because I had no bed and she would sleep alone on the sofa keeping the bed as her workplace.
The more I think about those first years and what little I remember the more I'm wondering how I managed to survive my life before the Grey's. Not just the abuse, but everything else, too. The constant lack of food, no affection from my mother, no proper clothes, no nothing. And again I ask myself why she kept me other than to use me to earn her money so she could buy more drugs. I know I will never get answers for my questions, but at the same time I want to tell her what she did to me and that I will never be able to forgive her.
I stare at the paperwork in front of me and give up. I can't concentrate on anything today, my mind keeps going back to all of those thoughts and suddenly I want to see her grave, I want to get this over with, free myself of my past and move on. I get up and tell Andrea that I have to leave early today. It's already after 3 in the afternoon and I only had more paperwork to do, so I can work from home later. I tell Taylor that we are leaving and call Mia.
She was there months ago, so I ask her where the grave is and she tells me how to find it. It's in the public mausoleum, at least this will give me some privacy. I would hate to have paparazzi taking pictures of me while I'm there. Those fuckers are getting on my nerves more than ever. It's like they are haunting my wife. The bigger Ana's belly gets the more of them are following her. I had to put more security guys on her now, she doesn't know, but it was necessary with all the media. My biggest fear is that some of them come close enough to her to grab her or push her to get a better shot and she falls.
This is why I talked to Taylor and he hired two bad ass guys who are former CIA to follow Ana around and make sure the paparazzi won't come to close. At first I wanted to tell her, but then I decided against it. She hasn't noticed them as they keep their distance and only step in if needed and it will only freak her out to know that she has increased security.
I'm glad she is gaining weight again. She looks more healthy now and is much fitter. And Teddy, that boy is going to be a kick boxer or soccer player one day. He is kicking around in Ana's belly all the time. Yesterday, he kicked her bladder so hard while we were having dinner she jumped up and ran to the bathroom without any warning, scaring the hell out of me. I followed her and she was sitting on the toilet and talking to her belly to not do that again. Of course I had to laugh and she got mad at me, but it was pretty funny that she nearly pissed her pants at the dinner table. She is 26 weeks along now, but I swear we saw a woman last week who was 39 weeks pregnant and Ana's belly looked about the same size.
"Sir, we are here" Taylor's voice brings me back to the now as he has parked near the cemetery hall and I feel apprehensive about getting out of the car, but I know I have to do this now. Fuck, I can't do this alone. I grab my phone and dial Ana. To my surprise she picks up after the first ring.
"Hi Christian, I was just about to call you."
"Yes, umm, baby I need you. I'm ready, I want to visit Ella's grave. Actually I'm on my way to the cemetery now. Can you meet me there, I need you with me."
"Yes, of course. I can be there in 30 minutes."
"Thank you baby, see you soon. I love you."
"I love you, too." I hang up and tell Taylor that we will wait for Ana. If I lose it in there I need her to calm me down before I start vandalizing the place. Ana said she would need 30 minutes, I start to look at my watch and get restless. Maybe I should just go in now. I think about it for five more minutes and finally I can't sit in the car anymore.
"Taylor I'm going in now. Not sure if you can do that, but I would appreciate it if you would let no one but Ana in. She should be here in about 20 minutes."
"I'll try, Sir" he says and I walk towards the entrance. Fuck, cemeteries really freak me out. Not sure why, but especially the community mausoleum is really creepy. I get in and it's like a damn maze in here. How big is this place? I follow the direction Mia gave me and finally I see her name on one of the marble flags.
Ella Kingston
12/14/1965 09/10/2011
I thought it would evoke some strange feelings to see her grave, but weirdly it doesn't. The only thing I feel is that I'm glad she is dead. If that makes me a bad person so be it, after all she has done to me and Mia she doesn't deserve anything else. I sit down on the stone bench in the middle of the hallway and look at the inscription with her name. For the longest time I'm just staring and suddenly it's like a broken dam and all the words are just flowing out of me.
"You know what. I hate you and I'm fucking glad that you are dead and can't come back to haunt me anymore. I don't give a fuck that you were my mother because you never qualified as such. Why did you even bother to keep me, you could have just left me at the hospital or gave me away, but you decided to keep me, maybe you planned all along to use me to make money. You want to know the saddest part, as a kid I tried to find excuses for you like you were sick or you were too young, but honestly none of that does count.
You had one fucking job when you decided to keep me and that was to keep me safe and love me and you did neither. My son is not even born and I would kill and die for him, but you never felt that way about me. You were one selfish fucked up bitch. If you had ever loved me, you would have at least tried to turn your life around, but you didn't because you never cared for me. All you ever cared about was yourself and how to get more drugs.
You must have heard me cry for you to help me, you were there when those fucking old bastards did this to me, but you never helped me and you looked away when one of your pimps would beat me. I can't remember one fucking time where you held me or gave me some comfort, I only remember you pushing me out of your way or telling me to shut the fuck up. The only times you would bathe me or change my clothes were before you let those bastards torture me. You let me go hungry for days and never cared when I cried. I hate you so much, because of you I was fucked up so badly I thought by allowing Elena to beat me and use me I could redeem myself and it nearly killed me.
And then you showed up here only to stir things up, but you know what. I'm glad you did it, because it got you killed in the end. Sadly, that's the only positive thing about you. You are dead and I no longer have to fear that one day you show up at my doorstep and bring back all those fucked up memories. I will never have to tell my son or any other kids my wife and I will have in our future about you or fear you will get to them. My children will never have to experience any of the hell you objected me to. They will always be loved, safe and well cared for."
I stop and suddenly a realisation hits me, the one thing I never wanted to admit not to myself nor anyone else.
"I loved you, do you hear me, I loved you as a kid and you never showed me any love. And now all I have for you is hate. I hate you for not protecting me, for neglecting me, for selling me to those monsters, so you could buy more drugs, I hate you for everything. I hate you, I hate you so fucking much..."
I just start to yell at her grave how much I hate her and start to bang my fists against the marble flag with her name on it over and over.
"Christian, stop you are going to hurt yourself, please stop" I hear Ana's soft voice and she lays one hand on my arm. I look at her without saying anything and it is only when she wipes away a tear from my faces with her thumb that I notice I am crying. And with that the floodgates are open. I sink to my knees wrap my arms around her legs and just cry. Cry for the little boy I once was and all that happened to him. It feels like after all those years all the tears I never allowed myself to cry want out at once and I can't nor want to stop them.
I feel like with every tear some of the weight I have carried around with me for so long is lifted of my shoulders. And eventually after what feels like ages I'm all cried out and realise that Ana and I are sitting on the cold marble floor. She is holding me in her arms, gently stroking my hair and I lift my head to look at her.
"Hey" she whispers softly and I smile at her. "Hey, thank you for coming here baby."
"You know I will be always there for you if you need me. So, how do you feel now?"
I think about it for a moment and actually I feel better, a lot better. I didn't believe this would help me, but it did.
"Better, a lot better, I guess I really needed to get this all out."
"That's good. Show me your hands, please." I frown but do it and notice my bloody knuckles from when I punched the marble wall. Ana looks through her purse and retrieves a package with wipes, takes one out and wipes the blood from my hands.
"Why are you carrying wipes with you?"
"Because sometimes I need to use a restroom when I'm not at home." she says and I frown which makes her giggle.
"You really want to discuss feminine hygiene in this place?"
"Yeah, I guess not, let's go." I get up and turn around to leave. Now that I have said all I wanted to tell my birth mother I want to leave this place behind, leave her and all those memories behind her and just enjoy the rest of the day with my wife.
"Christian, wait, I can't get up without help" Ana calls out and I turn around and pull her up.
"Sorry baby, I forgot that Teddy is making it hard for you to get up." As we start to walk Ana is clinging to my arm.
"What is wrong baby?"
"I hate this place, it's creepy I get this feeling like someone is staring at me from every direction."
"Yeah me too" I mutter and we both take a deep breath when we are outside.
"Sir, we should go to the car, the paparazzi are here, Ryan had to take one down who wanted to get in after arrived."
"Damned fuckers" I hiss and sure enough I see a small crowd of them snapping pictures. As we are back at the car I hear one of them yell.
"Mister Grey, is the baby dead, did you pick out a burial-place" What the fuck, I'm just about to turn around and let him have it when Ana beats me to it.
"Our baby is perfectly fine, asshole. Go and harass someone else! You should be ashamed of yourself" she yells at him and for a moment I'm speechless. Usually Ana is a pro in ignoring them, no matter what kind of questions they are yelling at us, but she looks furious.
"Come on, baby let's get into the car."
"Fine, but I want Taylor to run that bastard over with the car" she mutters under her breath and gets into the car. I look at Taylor and he shrugs. I guess he never saw Ana say something like that as well.
At home Ana insists to take a closer look at my now swollen knuckles and I watch her as she does.
"Has Ray found a place?"
"Yes, I told Miss Kelley you would give her a call tomorrow, she was a little upset that you didn't show up" she mutters and rolls her eyes. "Sorry, this might burn a little" she says as she cleans my knuckles and puts some ointment on it.
"It's fine. I call her tomorrow."
"Good, so do you feel better after saying what you wanted to tell her?"
"A lot, honestly I thought it would be a waste of time, talking to a grave, but it wasn't. In some way it felt like this way she had to listen to me, she couldn't just go away. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off me. My past will always be my past, but I don't feel like it is lurking behind me to drag me down anymore."
"That's good, you were so tense the last couple of days, I was worried about you." I look at her and I know she is right, I was tense because I was dreading to go to the grave, but I don't want her to worry.
"Baby, you worry too much. You need to relax, it's not good for you or Teddy if you worry all the time or stress yourself. Let's make a deal, for the next couple of weeks we will not talk about anything that is going to give you stress, we will just relax as much as possible and enjoy the last months before Teddy is here." she looks at me for a moment and the look on her face tells me that something is going through her mind and she is weighing up if she should just let it go for now or not. But after a while she smiles at me and leans forward to kiss me.
"Okay, no worrying myself and no stress for the next couple of weeks. So, tell me what do you want to do for the rest of the day?" she asks and that reminds me of all the paperwork I have to go through this evening.
"How about we take Ace out for a long walk and have dinner afterwards, after that I have a lot of work waiting for me."
"Okay, sounds good, I can ask Patrick if he wants to watch a movie with me later or I'll just read a book" she tells and again all I can think about is that I am one lucky son of a bitch to have a wife who is so understanding and doesn't complain when I have to work late.
Life right now feels perfect and I really hope it can stay like that. I feel more free than I have felt in all my life and soon Ana and I will have our own little family. I can't wait for it...
Next chapter will be Aspen and Hyde ... please leave a review :-)