Ana's POV
"... no Mia, I do not want to play a game with fake baby poop, jeez we all will have enough of that really soon ... I have to go now, I'll call you later" I hang up and take a huge sip of my milk shake. Man, Mia can be a handful sometimes. She is calling me non-stop about the baby-shower. Call me a party pooper, but I don't even want a baby shower. Much less so a week before my birthday, but we needed to set a date for the shower and since Mia, Kate and I will have our baby showers together next saturday seemed to be the best choice.
Thank god for Grace, Luke's mom and Mrs. Kavanagh. They have taken over all of the organisation for the baby shower. And if it wasn't for Mia I could just relax and show up next weekend, but Mia is over the top. At first it was a huge drama for her to decide if she wants the men there or not, then she wanted to dictate all the gifts and the menu, she threw a fit over the decoration, because there will be pink in it and she is having a boy, but Grace told her to zip it, because Kate and I will have girls, so a pink and blue decoration is fitting.
Honestly if it was up to me all I would want is cake. Yep, I am craving cake now and I have officially decided to forget about my weight until Teddy and Rachel are born. Dr. Fisher says my weight is fine, so I just don't care anymore. My bigger problem is to find a dress for both the baby shower and my birthday party. I didn't want one either, but my dad, Christian and Patrick insist, so I told them as long as I just have to show up, I can live with it.
"Annie, do you need something?" I look up to the entrance of the livingroom and see Maria standing there with a warm smile. She started working for us the Monday after the interview. Christian loves her and she goes all momma bear on all of us. She has taken over the kitchen and is so happy she smiles all the time and spoils all of us. She even cooks for Gail separately and asks her every day what she would like to eat as Gail really hit the jackpot and is craving the weirdest food all the time. I guess she is a little embarrassed to have someone take care of her, but that is just Maria's nature, and I am glad Gail and Maria get along well.
Christian absolutely loves her, well or maybe it's just that every evening when he has to work in his study she brings him a plate full of freshly backed chocolate cookies and a huge glass of milk. He told me he will need to do more exercises with her cooking for us, but I'm pretty sure he will do that rather than to cut back from eating. Other than that, I am really happy that Maria is now here with us and she enjoys her work here, too.
"No, thanks, I just want to watch some DVD's."
"Good, then I'll start to prepare dinner, will Mister Grey be here at his usual time?"
"Yes, haven't heard anything else." she nods and leaves so I put the first DVD into the player and start it. It's from one of the dance contests Jose and I have won. Today, I had another session with Flynn and seeing that my birthday is around the corner which is also the anniversary of the kidnapping, he wanted to talk about it. At first I was apprehensive to go there and I ended up realising that I miss the dancing far more than I want to admit. It was what kept me in balance all those years. Whenever I had a bad day, I would dance and all my worries and fears just went away for a while. Now, I don't have that anymore and though I have a lot of things in my life that I love to do, it's not the same. John thinks I am blaming Christian for not being able to dance anymore and that I am too scared to tell him.
In some way he is right, if I had never met Christian, I would be still dancing, well maybe not. I knew that I was dancing on borrowed time ever since the accident and my knee was already making me a lot of problems. But, with the kidnapping it happened too suddenly for me. I wanted this one last dance, dancing in front of a crowd to have a real ending before I was willing to retire and Elena stole it from it. I guess this is why I still feel like something is missing in my life.
I even feel guilty for feeling this way. I am fortunate. I am married to the man of my dreams, we are so in love and happy, I am carrying healthy twins, we have a beautiful home and will never have any financial worries, but still, I feel that this little part, this end to my career is missing. As I watch the DVD's I can help but cry. This was my life for so long. The dancing helped me through everything, it gave me something to hold onto after the accident. And now it's just a part of my past. Gone, and I will never get it back.
"Baby, hey what is wrong why are you crying?" I'm startled when I hear Christian's voice behind me and turn around.
"Hey... umm sorry, I was just watching some old DVD's it's nothing." I murmur and pause the DVD. He looks at the TV, then at me and sighs before he sits down.
"Baby, it's not nothing. Please, talk to me, we promised each other to talk, remember?"
Now it is my turn to sigh. "It's just ... John wanted to talk about the kidnapping and the fact that I can't dance anymore and I really try not to think about this at all. And ... he ... he thinks I'm blaming you for the kidnapping and that I can't dance anymore." I can't even look at Christian as I say those words out loud.
"Do you think he is right?"
"Not for the kidnapping, it's not your fault that Elena was bat shit crazy, it's just and I feel so bad for even thinking this way, but sometimes I think that if I would have never met you ... you know I would still be able to dance." I stare at hands not wanting to look at him, but he lifts my chin so I have to look at him and frown because is smiling lovingly at me.
"I know you feel like this, Ana. I knew it for a long time. I was just waiting for you to say it."
"You are not mad at me?"
"No, because it is the truth, Ana. And I figured out that in some way you are blaming me because when we moved in here and you brought all your dance outfits and trophies to the attic you snapped at me when I asked you to show me some. You always snap at me when this topic comes up. I've talked to John about it weeks ago and I get it. The dancing was a huge part of your life for so long, I assume especially after the accident it became a coping mechanism for you and then it was just taken away from you and it wouldn't have happened if I wouldn't have been in your life at this time."
"I don't want to think like this, Christian. I love you so much and our life together I wouldn't change it for anything else in this world. It's just I wanted this one last dance, before I could say it's time to find something new and then one day I was rehearsing with Jose for the championships and the next day I find myself in a hospital with a doctor telling me it's never going to happen. I don't know why I am being so selfish."
"Baby, you are not selfish, something that meant the world to you was taken away from you. You have a right to feel cheated and angry. This was not how your career was supposed to end. And I wish there was anything I could do to give you that last dance you want so much, maybe after the babies are born we can think of something together or you can start to give me some dance lessons now."
At this I have to laugh. "Really, now? Come on get up Grey" I laugh and we he gets up I do so too and stand as close to him as I can. But of course only my belly is touching him, separating us effectively.
"There is no way in hell that I can teach you any kind of dance with this belly, but thanks for making me laugh" I giggle and reach up to kiss him, which isn't that easy either with my belly.
"Ana there is still one thing I need to know, do you regret that we ever met?"
"No" I don't even need to think before answering it. "Christian, look. I don't know how to explain this the right way. Basically, the dancing was my safe place for all of my life. When I was out of balance, upset or angry, I would call Jose go to the dance studio and dance until my feet would start to bleed. That's how I coped with things. And even while I knew and told myself that I couldn't dance much longer, I know I would have found excuses just to keep dancing. Because ... because it's the only thing I always felt I was good at."
"Why would you say that?"
"Because it's true, it's the only thing I never failed in."
"What about school or college, you were valedictorian in your highschool and left college as honor student. Clearly, you were good in school. You're wonderful at being my wife and if you ask Ray and Patrick they will both tell you that you are a wonderful daughter and sister."
"I don't know" I mutter and we sit down again.
"You are, baby. And you are married to me, so that gives you not only points for being a good wife, but also for having the patience of a saint. I'm pretty sure most women were long gone if they had to keep up with me." he says and that makes me laugh.
"You are not that much to handle."
"Oh come on, let's be honest here, baby." he laughs. Well, I guess he is a handful.
"Even if that is true, I'm not exactly easy to handle either. So, I think I found my match in you, Mister Grey" I smirk and bump my shoulder against him.
"Maybe, though I think I'm the winner if it comes to being high maintenance. So, next point you are a perfect cook."
"I learned it from Maria, that doesn't count."
"Someone taught you how to dance, too." he points out and I pout.
"Fine, okay, there are other things I am good at."
"Do you say this so I stop or because you believe it?" he asks and this time I scowl at him, when the hell did it happen that he knows me better than I do?
"Yes, I do know you very well, Mrs. Grey" he says and my mouth pops open.
"Shit, can you read my mind now, too?" I ask and he laughs.
"No, I'm just good at reading people's expressions. And with you I learned that this not only comes handy in the meeting room. Your's was screaming: how the hell does he know that?" he says rather proud of himself.
"Maybe I need to work on a good poker face then, how about this one." I poke my tongue out and roll my eyes at the same time.
"I will make sure you make that face for our christmas card this year" he chuckles.
"Not sure our family would put that card on display ... Christian, I just need you to understand that I am not resenting you for what happened. I guess, I should have talked to someone earlier and you know, it's always easier to deal with something if you have someone you can blame for it. But, I love you, more than anything else in this world and that is never going to change."
"I know, well, with Flynn's help I already know, but I want to promise you something. If a last time on the dance floor is what you need. Then I will figure out a way to make it happen."
"Christian you don't have to..."
"Yes, I have to. Because the truth is, if I wouldn't have been in your life at this time you would still be dancing and I didn't put enough security on you, this is my fault. Let me try to find a way to give you what you need."
"Have I told you how much I love you today?"
"You sure did, but I can never hear it often enough Mrs. Grey."
Two weeks later - Ana's birthday (still Ana's pov)
"Oh my god, look at me, I look like a whale, Christian." I whine when I look at myself in the mirror. What was I thinking to buy a tight fitted dress with strips.
"Well, umm ... how about another dress?"
"I don't have any other dress that really fits me. Maybe you can check online if the circus is in town, this way I can call and ask if I can borrow their tent to wear for today, that might have enough fabric to fit me." I pout and he kisses the top of my head.
"I might have something better than a tent for you, baby." he grins and leaves, after a minute he returns with 5 different shopping bags.
"Happy birthday, baby. You'll get your other presents later, but I figured you could need these now." I sit down on the small bench in the middle of my walk in closet and look into the bags. I look into the first bag and start to smile. He bought me dresses.
"When we were shopping last week you didn't seem to happy about what you got, so I went back to the stores and got you some other dresses. There are some shirts, leggings and skirts, too. I skipped the jeans and pants as you never wear the ones you have anyway." he says and I jump up, well if you want to call the very ungraceful way I have to get to my feet at the moment jump up, and kiss him.
"Have I already told you how much I love you?"
"You did, so our guests are already here. Look through the bags what you want to wear and get ready. I keep them busy. I love you, baby"
"Thank you" I kiss him again and watch him leave before I sit back down and look through my new clothes. I never would have guessed, that clothes which fit me would make me this happy, but right now, I know there is no gift today that can top this.
Since it is still warm outside, I decide to wear plum-colored shift dress and quickly put my hair into an easy up do. Because my feet are too swollen to wear most of my shoes I just grab a cardigan and quickly get a pair of socks from Christian from one of his drawers, so I can wear them if my feet get cold. These days I find myself borrowing a lot of Christian's clothes when I'm at home because they are just more comfortable.
I'm just about to leave our bedroom when I hear my cell phone ring. Yep, that's another thing that is really annoying, I'm having the worst case of baby brain. Honestly, I feel like I'm about to drive Christian, Maria and the security insane because I'm constantly misplacing things and have them help me find it.
I turn around get my phone and frown when I see a number on the screen I don't know.
"Ana Grey?" I answer and hear nothing on the other end of the line. "Hello?" I wait for a while, but there is nothing. I'm just about to hang up when I hear a soft voice.
"Ana?" Oh. My. God. It's Jenny.
"I ... I know this is probably a bad time and I'm interrupting your party and all ... maybe I shouldn't have called ..."
"No, please don't hang up, Jenny. I have time, please talk to me."
"Okay, umm ... I wanted to call you for a while now, Dad gave me your number, but I asked him not to tell you, just incase I wouldn't find the courage to call you. And ... and then I thought today is your birthday so I could just call you and wish you a happy birthday. So, happy birthday, Ana."
"Thank you, so umm ... Dad told me you are better."
"Yes, well since I'm taking my medicine I'm no longer trying to destroy the life of my sister because I have some weird voices in my head telling me that you are planning a conspiracy against me. Oh god, I'm sounding like a complete nutjob..."
"No you don't. You were very sick Jenny and I'm glad you are getting better now."
"Me too, for the longest time I thought everyone in the world was against me, but actually they staff here really wants to help me and since I'm taking my medicine I feel a lot more like myself again. Or maybe I'm starting to figure out who I am just now. But at least I know that I want to get better, I don't want to be that miserable person that I was before I don't want to be like ... like ..."
"Like Mom?" I end the sentence for her.
"Yes, I heard them Ana. I was 13 and wanted to get something from the kitchen when I heard Dad yell she shouldn't forget that she had 3 kids, not just one and she yelled back that she doesn't care about Patrick and I, that to her you are the only one of her children that matters. And I was so mad at her and more so at you. I know it's not your fault, but I think that's when it all started and I just wanted you to feel as miserable as I am and ... and I am so ... so sorry." she sobs and I am crying too.
"It's okay Jenny. We can put all of this behind us. I don't want to dwell on the past anymore. It's done, we can't change it, but we can try to start over. I still want to help you and I am here if you need me."
"You forgive me?" she asks incredulously.
"Yes, I understand that you were sick Jenny and at the end of the day you are still my little sister and I love you. You know I was never good at holding a grudge against someone, much less so when it comes to my family. Mom might have decided that she doesn't want us, but to me that just means that the rest of us has to stick together even closer."
"You are right, Ana does Patrick hate me?"
"No, he would never hate you, Jenny."
"I asked Dad to bring him here, I want to talk to him, but he hasn't shown up."
"He ... look he never was in a place like that and you know him his imagination sometimes runs wild with him and..."
"Wait ... does he think I am sitting in a padded cell, with greasy hair wearing a straight jacket and try to catch bugs with my tongue?" she giggles and I have to laugh.
"I don't know, but it could be something like that. I'll tell him that you called and
have one of the security guys drive him over to you."
"Or you could come with him... you don't have to, it's just there is so much I want to tell you and my therapist thinks it would help us to have a couple of joined sessions. I know it's probably a bad time with your pregnancy and ..."
"Jenny it's okay. Just tell me when and I will be there. I'm free every afternoon next week, I'm still visiting schools with the team of my center every morning, but if your therapist can only schedule us in, in the morning I can make that work, too."
"No, afternoons are good. I have group sessions and some classes in the morning."
"Classes?"
"Some art classes and I'm learning how to play the piano. Can I call you back once I have an appointment set?"
"Sure, call me when you know it. Oh, and don't get this the wrong way, but I have to take security with me where ever I go, so they will be with me when I come to visit you."
"It's okay, Dad told me what happened with that crazy guy. Besides I could use to see some new faces."
"Good, so is there anything you need, anything I could bring with me when I come to see you?"
"No, I have what I need, or is it true that Maria is working for you now?"
"Yes, she started almost three weeks ago."
"Does she still bake those chocolate cookies, the ones with the big chunks?"
"Yes, I ask her to make some for you."
"Thanks, so umm ... enjoy your birthday, see you soon."
"Bye Jenny." She hangs up and I just sit down on the bed and start to cry like a baby. I just can't help it. I know after all that has happened I shouldn't get my hopes up or forgive my sister this easily, but talking to her, like we did before all of this happened it just reminds me of the times when we could talk about anything and were best friends.
"Ana, don't tell me you still can't ... shit what is wrong? Are you pain, do you want me to get my mom?" Christian is by my side in a second and looks at me trying to find any clue to what is going on.
"No, don't call Grace, I'm fine." I sniff and he hands me a handkerchief.
"Thanks"
"What is going on baby, why are you crying?"
"Jenny called me."
"What? What did she say to make you this upset? Fuck, I'm going to talk to Ray and make sure she won't..."
"No, stop!" I grab his hand to hold him back and he looks down on me.
"Ana, I know your sister is sick and probably doesn't mean what ever she said to you, but I'm not going to let her hurt you yet again."
"But, she didn't. She called me to wish me a happy birthday and we just talked for a while. Like back when we were kids. I'm going to see her next week for a therapy session."
He sits down and takes my hand. "I'm going to be very honest baby, I don't like this one bit. If you insist on going, I'm coming with you and your security will be there, too. I won't come into the room during the therapy session, but I will be just outside the door with the security. If she makes one wrong move, tries to hurt or says something to upset you, then that is it. I won't allow you to go back at least until Teddy and Rachel are born."
"I already told her about the security, it was okay with her. And I'm fine with you coming with me, too. She would like to see Patrick too, but I thought, you know I would test the waters first and if she really is as stable as she sounded I take him to see her. If not I don't want to put him through this."
"Are you sure you can do it?"
"Yes, I want to see her. I want to leave my past behind me, Christian. So, I have to talk to Jenny. If her meds are helping her maybe we can start over, I don't know. I try not to get my hopes up too high, but if I don't go I only end up over thinking this."
"Good, let me know when and I'm going with you, but now Mrs. Grey, your guests are waiting for you."
I quickly wash my face and re-do my make up, before Christian takes my hand and the moment I'm downstairs I'm greeted by everyone yelling happy birthday. I quickly scan the room and see Gail and Taylor, who are our guests today, my Dad, Patrick and Nataly, Kate and Elliot, Mia and Luke, Grace and Carrick, and Maria. I love to have them all here, though it's days like these where I really miss Jose and Dave. But Jose has a show tomorrow and of course couldn't make it and I know how much Dave hates to fly, so I didn't ask him to come alone.
"Missing someone, smurf?" I freeze when I hear Jose voice behind me, turn around and start to cry yet again when I see Jose and Dave.
"How?" I ask through my tears and Jose hugs me. "Christian sent his jet for us, we are flying back tomorrow morning. Wouldn't want to miss your birthday for the world babygirl" he says and now I am sure this is the best birthday I had in a very long time, if not the best ever, especially when Maria get's my birthday cake which is my favorite strawberry chocolate cake.
Later when we are all sitting together I just enjoy the happy chatter and snuggle into Christian's side who is sitting next to me.
"Happy Mrs. Grey?" he asks and smiles lovingly at me.
"Very happy Mister Grey" I smile back and lean in closer to whisper into his ear. "And later I will be even more happy, I have asked Maria to safe me two pieces of cake and once our guests are gone or in bed, I will get the cake and eat it off of you."
"What is it about you and putting food on me" he chuckles into my ear.
"It's simple, food is what makes me happy right now and you are what makes me happy for the rest of my life..."
So, Jenny is back ... next chapter will be their therapy session ... oh, and if you like mystery stories please check out my new story "The Journal" it's very different from my other stories, it's inspired by "If I were you" by Lisa Renee Jones ...