Bleeding Heart - Ch. 8

[I do not own Glee or any of these characters]

The morning after Rachel's dress rehearsal, Blaine didn't get up for his usual morning run. Instead, he laid next to Kurt memorizing the outline of his muscles breathing rhythmically in the gray morning. Kurt was so beautiful when he slept that he often imagined the him having the quiet grace of a sleeping doe- quiet, soft. Blaine's chest felt shaky and heavy at the same time as he stared at his boyfriend. He needed to take his meds and make an appointment with Dr. Lang today. For just a few more moments though, Blaine allowed himself to drink in the soft glow of his boyfriend. "I love you," he whispered into Kurt's shoulder.

Laying in bed that morning, feeling Blaine's eyes on him, Kurt almost forgot what he'd seen just the day before, but then the image of his boyfriend kissing another man slammed to the front of his mind. Kurt pretended to be sleeping when he finally heard Blaine get up and start moving around. When he heard Blaine stumble out into the kitchen with Liza trailing behind him, he bolted up from the bed and dressed as quickly as possible. He needed to get out of this apartment, he didn't think he could look Blaine in the face. You can do this, you have to, Kurt thought. Kurt could hear Rachel's higher pitched muffled tones join him in the kitchen as he hurriedly began making an overnight bag.

In the kitchen, Rachel's sing-songy "Good morning" echoed in Blaine's groggy head as he continued to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

"Great show last night," Blaine yawned, pouring Rachel some coffee and dunking his tea bag into his favorite yellow cup. Blaine was still in his pj's and Uggs, tinkering with the coffee pot and spreading apple jelly on toast for Kurt. Rachel was already looking completely put together, despite staying on their couch last night after a few too many victory drinks. She was flipping through her day planner as she leaned charismatically into Blaine's compliment.

"Thanks, Blainers, I obviously have a few notes for the directer but all in all I'd say it wasn't a total disaster," she trilled. When a moment passed and Blaine didn't respond, she looked up from her day planner to see Blaine struggling with the cap on one of the 4 orange pill bottles he had laid out on the counter. "Here," she said, getting up and taking the bottle from his hands, opening it for him. Blaine stepped back and leaned against the counter.

"Thanks," he said quietly, taking back the bottle and placing it next to the others. Rachel raised an eyebrow, surveying him.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Mmm yeah," Blaine sighed. He wondered if he should tell Rachel about what happened yesterday, he didn't want her to be mad that he still came to her show when he was feeling bad, but she seemed genuinely concerned as she watched him.

"Four different bottles this morning?" she nudged.

"Yeah, I had kind of a rough day yesterday. I-I passed out at work," he admitted.

"Blaine! I knew something was up last night, you looked like hell-sorry-you still do. Are you staying home today? Can I get you anything?" she asked, mothering all over him.

"No, no I'm fine. I just need to make an appointment with my doctor, I'm sure it's fine. Thanks, though," Blaine said quickly. Rachel wasn't buying it, her eyes boring into his from across the kitchen counter.

"Actually," he started again,"I'm really lucky that Sebastian was there." His voice was barely above a whisper and suddenly a dramatic eye roll flitted across Rachel's concerned face. She had never forgiven Sebastian for hurting Blaine and bullying Kurt in high school and still couldn't stand it when he was around.

"I think he got a little carried away, but if he hadn't been there, I don't know, I don't want to think about what would've…" he trailed off.

"What do you mean he got carried away?" Rachel pryed.

"He um..well…you know-remember when I told you I thought he had a crush on me?"

"Yeah, I thought I was going to barf until I realized Sebastian Smythe wasn't worth burning my vocal chords."

"Rachel, please."

Cue second dramatic Rachel eye roll. "Fine." Blaine continued.

"Well after Sebastian helped me out, I was waiting for Kurt to pick me up and he..he kissed me." The shock that slapped across Rachel's face would have been almost comical if it hadn't contained the same shocked horror that Blaine felt when he thought back on it. Rachel sucked in all the air in the kitchen before continuing in the most secretive whisper she could manage.

"Have you told Kurt?" She waited, eyebrows raised, for Blaine's response.

"I'm not sure how to tell him. It didn't mean anything and it was more just really sad, on Sebastian's part. I told him no, and then he like, slinked away, kind of like a gentleman actually, but also like a sad puppy-it was surreal. Like it didn't happen. I didn't want it to happen."

"But it did happen," Rachel whispered back, heavily.

"Rachel-I could barely," Blaine didn't want to give himself up but she had to understand, "Rachel I could barely stand up straight. There was nothing I could do, and he fucking-he…he saved my life. What was I supposed to do? Slap him?"

Rachel's face darkened and she waited a few moments for his words to sink in.

"Blaine, first off-" she looked up at him, teary eyed,"- you need to go to the doctor today…this…this can't happen again. And second, regardless of whether or not he…saved your life…he knows you are committed to Kurt. He knows. And what he did was gross. It's not okay."

"Rachel.."

"You better tell him Blaine, or I swear to God, I'm not trying to meddle, but…Kurt's my best friend. I can't keep this from him."

"Rachel, I know. Of course I'll tell him, calm down, it's okay," he soothed as she sniffed. "I just don't want to stress him out, not today. He has that deadline with Isabelle today. I know he'll understand, it didn't mean anyth…" Blaine trailed off again as his eyes became unfocused, staring over Rachel's shoulder.

"Blaine…" Rachel started. "You're white as a sheet, are you, are you ok?" she asked, reaching out to grab his arm. His face had gone blank and fear crept up her throat.

Blaine hadn't noticed Rachel's hand on his arm because Kurt had just emerged from their bedroom carrying an overnight bag. An overnight bag.

"Kurt," Blaine questioned, but it came out more as a statement, realization sinking down into his bones. He knows.

Across the room, Kurt held the bag in front of him with two hands, his feet locked tightly together as he spoke clearly, as monotone and unfeeling as he could muster at the moment.

"I'm-I'm staying with Isabelle tonight," Kurt said, his voice starting to shake but his face remaining calm. Across from him, he watched each word cut into Blaine as he blinked slowly and stumbled back against the counter.

Blaine's heart began to throw itself against his ribs violently and the room swam in front of him, but he tried to keep his face clear of any guilt. Everything was blurring together except Kurt's stoic face and that overnight bag. That look in his eyes, that look of embarrassment, of anger, sadness. He'd only seen that face once before.

Kurt crossed the room and Blaine stumbled forward to reach out to him as he approached the door.

"Kurt, wait, why are you.."

"You know why, Blaine," he replied quietly, defeated. "I just don't know why you did it."

"Kurt, I didn't-"

"I saw you," Kurt choked, staring only at the door, not daring to look at Blaine.

Blaine blinked back, unable to speak, the rush of blood against his eardrums deafening as his body began to betray him. Stay standing stay standing stay standing SAY SOMETHING, his brain screamed.

"Kurt, I l-love you, you don't know what h-happened.." he pleaded.

"Because you didn't tell me. I had to see it myself," Kurt replied, tears starting to stream down his face as he still refused to look up at Blaine, who was beginning to unravel.

"Kurt-" Rachel squeaked from across the room.

Kurt shook his head dismissively, "No."

"Kurt, I would never hurt you like this-s, ple-ease let me explain-" Blaine stammered, reaching out for his boyfriend just as Kurt pulled open the door and slammed it shut behind him.

The loud bang of the door echoed throughout the apartment, and Blaine could feel hardly anything else. He was splitting in two, his skin zipping in half, destroyed, but he was numb, disconnected, his hand shaking in front of him trembling on the door knob. Rachel had been frozen to her spot standing in the kitchen until the door slammed shut but now she was suddenly right next to him. How much time had passed? He felt Rachel squeeze his hand and push past him out the front door, he saw her lips moving but couldn't hear her. He saw the door whoosh open and close again in slow motion as she left.

Everything was still, and then all at once, it felt like he was being stabbed by a thousand knives, twisting from the inside out, the burn and jerk of his heart searing inside his chest. He couldn't breathe but something like adrenaline took over and in three huge steps he was back at the kitchen counter panicking remembering he never took his pills and that he needed them now right now and that he shouldn't cry it will make it worse because he was by himself and this was happening he was going to die it never hurt like this before and he always knew this would happen when he was alone but he had to live he had to live for Kurt to tell him and he's not sure he swallowed any pills before he's falling backwards, shattering his yellow mug and the plate of toast on the way down, barely noticing the corner of the counter crack against his head as everything goes red then black.

TO BE CONTINUED

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