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coyotegrrrl18

In the early light of morning she seems so peaceful, sleeping with the hint of a smile on her lips, her hair fanned out around her like a halo of golden light. It's been three weeks since she came home, and she has barely left my bed. She is frozen, and I don't know what to do. When she does get up there is more silence, an icy wasteland creating a gulf between us that becomes harder to breach with each passing day. Some days I come home to a silent apartment to find her sitting in a chair, arms wrapped around her knees, staring out the window over the same cold cup of coffee she was holding when I left for work. She tells me that she's fine, but there is no fire in her eyes. This morning is the first time I've seen her smile even in sleep. I need to be getting up, but I don't want to leave her here alone. My alarm sounds. She grumbles and rolls over. I get up to head for the shower, but her hand catches my wrist as my feet hit the floor.

"Don't go." She whispers.

I sigh and crawl back into bed. "Babe, you know I have to go to work." I murmur halfheartedly into the top of her head. Her arms wrap tightly around my waist, her face is buried in my chest.

"Don't leave me Holly!" She whispers, so softly I can barely hear her, and I'm sure she isn't just talking about now.

I hold her gently, stroking her softly and resting my lips on her forehead. She looks up at me with eyes that are the color of smoke.

"Gail," I sigh, "If we have any chance of getting through this, you are going to have to talk to me. I can't do this all by myself."

"I know. I'm sorry." She whispers. Her eyes are bottomless, and she looks away as the tears begin to fall.

I hold her closer. She hasn't cried since her first night back. I know I'm going to be late if I don't get up now. Shit.

"I don't want you to die." She whispers into my chest. "Its all my fault. But you, you can't..."

"Gail, would you like to tell me what you are talking about?" I ask quietly. Shit. I am going to be late, or maybe I should just call in a personal day.

"It starts with killing Luc," She begins "And then, I am shooting Nick. He looks so surprised as I put a bullet in his head. And then it's Chris. And Sam is standing there bleeding, with his guts hanging out, and I shoot Andy in the face, and Dov fires back but I kill him anyway, and then I am here, standing over our bed with a gun in my hand. And Jerry walks in and tells me that I killed him too…"

"Gail, how often do you have this dream?" I ask softly

"Every night. Every night I dream that I kill everyone. It always starts with Luc, and ends here with you and Jerry and me. But last night it was different." She smiles a sad, cold smile that scares me.

"Last night, I dreamt that I ate my gun before I killed you. And just before I killed the monster I've become, Claudia, the little girl from the ship, took my hand and thanked me for being brave. It's all my fault. It's funny, when I put the gun in my mouth, I just felt relieved." She says in a soft flat voice.

"Gail," I say carefully "do you want to hurt yourself, or is it just a nightmare?"

"I'm like a zombie, I will kill you, or worse if you don't kill me first. But I don't want to hurt you, or anyone else. But I killed them and it's all I can think about." She says in a shaky voice.

"You are not a monster! You know that, right?" I tell her.

She just shrugs. "Gail…" I look at the time. "Shit! Listen, I need to go make a call, but I will be right back!" I sit up and take my phone into the kitchen.

When I return, she is no longer in bed. I hear the shower running and I follow her into the bathroom. Her back is to me in the hot spray, but I can tell she's crying by the way her shoulders hunch and fall. I drop my nightshirt and step in with her. She turns and wraps me in a fierce embrace. Suddenly her mouth is on mine, rough and insistent. I am taken completely by surprise.

"Fuck me Holly! Fuck me now!" She demands in a low urgent voice in my ear.

"Wait… WHAT?" I gasp, completely off balance.

"Come on Holly, don't you want me?" She bites my neck hard, sucking at the skin. I know that's going to leave a mark.

"What are you doing Gail?" I ask, somewhat alarmed, and yet getting more and more turned on by the second as she squeezes my breasts together and takes both of my nipples in her mouth at once. She applies her teeth and my mind goes blank. "Uh, Gail… um what ARE you doing?"

She pushes me up against the shower wall, grinding hard against me. "Can't you see I need you? Come on Holly, please? She crashes her lips into mine and shoves her tongue into my mouth.

I grab her wrists and hold her wandering hands still, my mind still reeling, as I pull back slightly. I've never seen her like this. "Gail, can we slow down for just a second? I mean, where did this come from?"

"FUCK!" she breaks free from my grip and storms from the room without bothering to dry off or even take a towel with her.

"That went well." I mutter to myself, as I turn off the shower, wrap myself in a towel, throw my hair into a wrap and go to find her. She is wedged between the dresser and the wall on the floor of my bedroom, curled into a ball, sobbing into her arms. I sit as close to her as I can with my back leaning on the wall.

"Oh, Babe…" I whisper as my heart breaks a little. I reach out and try to stroke her hair, but she recoils at my touch. We just sit there for a while.

"Gail…" I try again "I don't know what it's like to have intentionally killed someone…"

"No, you don't! So why don't you take your pity somewhere else!" She snaps at me without looking up.

Now I'm annoyed. "Ok. You know what? I called into work to be here for you. But if you don't want that, well that's just fine Gail." I let my anger creep into my voice. "Tell you what. I'm going to go about my day, and if you want to talk, come and find me." I get up, brush the imaginary dirt off of my thighs and return to the shower.

The sun has crept across the sky as I have been steadily getting caught up on paperwork in my office when I hear the front door slam. I get up and walk out into my empty apartment wondering how long it will be this time until I hear from Gail again.

The clock on my bureau says one thirty six, I hear the noise again, followed by muffled cursing, moments later Gail crawls into bed. I expect her to be drunk, but I don't smell any sign of alcohol on her. She scoots carefully closer and I feel her hand snake tentatively across my middle. I don't know what I'm feeling, a mixture of pleasant surprise that she came back tonight, relief that she hasn't gone out and gotten stupid, sloppy drunk, and annoyed at this little dance we seem to always do when things get rough. I sigh and give in to her presence, as my arms embrace her and I kiss her on the forehead.

"Hi." I whisper

"Hi." She replies as she pulls me in tighter.

"Gail, I…"

"Holly, listen!" She interrupts, "I am so sorry for all of the crap I put you through. I know that you deserve better!"

I'm not sure where this is going, so I hold on and wait apprehensively.

"Ok…" I say slowly.

"When I left here earlier, I went back to my place. Dov was home. We played Mortal Combat and talked about how much killing someone fucks you up. So I called the department shrink and made an appointment for tomorrow because I really need to get back to work. And I know that these past few months have been hard on you, and know I don't make it easy…"

I can't quite stop the chuckle in my throat that turns into a snort and a cough as she says this.

She smacks me lightly on the shoulder. "Come on Holly, I'm trying to tell you something!"

"Ok, I'm listening." I reply, turning to kiss her briefly on the lips.

"So anyway, I've been walking and thinking about things. I want to be able to be there for you. You are so good to me, and I want to be good to you too. I want you to be proud of me. I want to get back to building a life with you. Maybe after I have been cleared by the department to go back onto active duty, can we start looking for our own place again?" Her voice breaks a little as she says this.

Building a life with me. Did she just say that? Wow! I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. I kiss her again, slowly this time. "I would like that." I say as we pull apart. "And Gail, I am proud of you."