Act 1 – Chapter Five: Silence In The Library

The next day passes normally. I actually decide to turn up to lessons in the morning, though I keep my head down and study hard, avoiding Shizune's gaze whenever she turns my way. After the lecture on electricity, Mutou-sensei gives a brief talk regarding the school festival, but I don't pay attention, even when Misha bursts out with her typical loud comments. Something about fried food? Never mind, it's not as though I plan to attend anyway. Too many people. As the class ends, I wait for Lilly, but catch a glimpse of a girl outside with strawberry blonde hair talking to Hisao. Looking closer, I see that it's Emi. I wonder what they're discussing? It doesn't matter anyway, as they soon leave. Given the time of day, I would assume perhaps they intend to eat lunch together. It's not long before Lilly turns up, and we walk to the tea room together, chatting quietly as we go.

Classes end, and I retreat to my regular spot. The beanbags are free, as always, and I settle down with a pile of books, happy to be alone (aside from Yuuko working on the new returns). It isn't long, however, before I'm startled by the sound of a bang coming from the returns slot, clearly someone bringing books back to the library. I can guess who it is, since not many students tend to come here on a regular basis. Except in exam time, of course. Lilly would be much more gentle, so it has to be Hisao.

We look at each other, our eyes meeting briefly. After a pause, he turns around and heads out. I guess he decided not to disturb me this time. It's nice of him to be so considerate, although truth be told, I'm still not entirely certain I would mind. I still don't know what to make of him, and the more I know about who Hisao is, the more easy it will be for me to trust him. Well, more than I trust most people at Yamaku, or anywhere for that matter. I decide against asking him about his chat with Emi this morning. It's his own business, after all, and I have no right to intrude.

It takes me another half hour before I realise where I'm supposed to be. How could I forget! Lilly and I have the same routine every Monday – we walk into town together and go shopping, food and supplies to last us both the rest of the week. This week, however, we couldn't make it, so we decided to postpone the trip until Friday. And I've left Lilly standing around for all this time alone! Then again, it's not the first time it's happened. Sometimes I get so engrossed in a new book that everything else leaves my mind entirely. Whenever it's happened before, Lilly has been happy to wait for me to remember, but it's still horrible of me to continue here without any consideration for my friend.

I put the books down and leave in a rush, asking Yuuko before I go if she would mind putting them back in the right places. She's used to the routine and agrees readily, though I hate giving her yet another burden on top of her already busy work and studies. I run through the now deserted corridors and out of the main school building, ignoring the 'no-running' rules – there are few people in the school at this time anyway, most students having left to go into town or to their dormitories, or working on festival projects. I reach the meeting place where Lilly always waits, and find...

Nothing. She isn't here. I look around, puzzled, wondering where she could be, when in the corner of my eye I notice a flash of gold in the distance. I look down the main path that leads from Yamaku towards the town, and far ahead I notice a figure with a cane and long blonde hair. Walking alongside the person is a young man with shorter, darker hair, apparently dressed in school uniform. They walk slowly together, the person with the cane tapping every couple of steps. I breathe a sigh of relief, though I still feel guilty – Hisao must have had the same intention of going down the hill, and saw Lilly standing alone outside the school gates. Maybe he offered to walk her down in my place? A kind gesture, but it doesn't make me feel better for forgetting in the first place. Ah well, I can apologise later. I choose to take advantage of the free time for now, and begin the long walk back to the library.

Before Saturday classes begin, I reflect a little on the previous night. Lilly turned up at my door with the shopping I would have usually bought, and I paid her my share of the money for it, as we discussed her journey with Hisao. I apologised profoundly for leaving her yet again, but she was fine with it – as mentioned before, it's not exactly a rare occurrence. Lilly spoke about the walk back with Rin, and her usual eccentricities, something I can relate to, if not understand. Lilly and I are alike in that regard, and we both tend to leave Rin alone in general. Neither of us can understand her, and so we try to keep our distances.

It seems that I was right, too, about Hisao's condition. Arrhythmia, it's called. Lilly told me how shocked she was when she heard it from his own lips, though she was careful to keep her surprise well hidden. Concern, however, still shone through, hardly odd when Lilly is involved. My fears following the incident with Emi a few days ago were confirmed with Lilly's words, and she correctly guessed that I already suspected something.

"You knew from the other day, then?"

"Y... yes. I saw him clutching his chest and I-I figured something was wrong."

"You should have told me!" Lilly's concern tends to be rather stifling at times, but I suppose she had a point this time. From Hisao's point of view, maybe he felt embarrassed, but it doesn't do him any favours keeping something like that from those around him.

Then again, look who's talking.

Returning to the present, I look up to see Mutou-sensei staggering into the classroom, tired. And, I would guess, hungover. He writes some question and page numbers on the blackboard and collapses into his chair, but most of the class are used to it. Mutou has an amazing ability to still be able to teach successfully even when his state is borderline lethargic, at best, and as long as he can keep it up nobody will complain. It tends to just be Saturday mornings anyway, since even teachers deserve to cut loose a little on a Friday night. Since everyone appears just as tired as the teacher, we all work in silence. Helped in no small part by Misha's absence – presumably working last-minute with Shizune. The festival is only a day away, after all.

The silence is broken only by a quiet comment from Mutou.

"Nakai, can I speak to you for a moment?"

"Sure..." comes the reply from Hisao. "What's this about?"

"It's probably better if we speak outside the classroom..." Mutou-sensei walks out of the room, Hisao following, and I look up as they leave. My mind fills with possibilities for what they could be talking about, but I soon ignore it and get back to focusing on my work.

They're only gone for a couple of minutes, but even so I notice a couple of students who were borderline asleep suddenly jump up and start working again as soon as they hear the door. Mutou walks back inside, followed again by Hisao, and return to their previous tasks. I don't really know why the newly work-engaged students even bother – more are still resting, not even attempting to work on the assigned questions, and to be perfectly honest I can hardly blame them. Me on the other hand... well, I abandon classes enough that when I am actually present it doesn't do me any good to ignore the work set. Even if I feel like sleeping myself sometimes.

It takes a good long time before the bell rings, but we have a final minute of torture before we can finally go.

"Before you all leave," says Mutou, "I expect the answers for those problems by Monday." Typical. Still, I've done most of them already, so my weekend is pretty free to catch up on my never-ending backlog of books. Perhaps spend some time in town with Lilly (provided there aren't too many students with similar ideas of where to go). Judging by the sighs, I can think of more than a few students who will have a lot of work to do before they can enjoy tomorrow's festival, though...

The classroom empties quickly, and after less than a minute Hisao and I are the only ones left. I'm waiting for Lilly, of course, but it's not clear to me why Hisao is hanging around. I don't ask him either, and a silence descends between the two of us like fog. For the next quarter of an hour, Hisao writes in his notebook and I read my latest borrowed novel. The noises from the seat so close to mine become an annoyance, disturbing the quietness as I wait for Lilly to arrive. Paper rustling and pencil lead scratching. I don't look at Hisao, in fact I keep my eyes fixed firmly on the pages of my book. Soon enough, Lilly comes by.

"Hanako?"

Upon hearing her voice I get up and walk quickly to her. The awkwardness between Hisao and myself was stifling, and it's a relief to have Lilly here now. I guess after everything it still feels difficult for me to be in Hisao's presence. I can hardly even begin a conversation with him, and he seems in constant fear of setting off my anxieties – hardly a great combination.

Lilly and I start to speak quietly to each other. It's not that either of us wants to deliberately keep Hisao out of the loop. In fact, Lilly isn't even aware of his presence. It's simply that there isn't any need for loudness. Our conversation is between us, nobody else.

"Sorry for taking so long, Hanako."

"That... that's okay," I reply. "It's fine."

"I, um, won't be able to stay for very long. Actually, I need to go pretty soon." Lilly seems genuinely sorry, as if she knows what effect this could have on me.

"What? Why?"

"I had a phone call yesterday afternoon. Akira's in town today. I guess I should have told you sooner..." Lilly's sister. Of course, I understand why she has to go. I guess I'm just a little selfish at heart, but given my life so far one can hardly blame me. I look forlorn and make an effort to try and convince her to stay, though I'm fully aware of my actions. I can't stop Lilly from seeing Akira, especially since they don't often get to meet given Akira's work. And really, my issue is less to do with selfishness and more to do with being alone with only Hisao to keep me company. I like him, I really do, given the effort he's been making to overcome the difficulties inherent in even speaking to me. But it's hard for me to interact with him, and having Lilly around would be a great help.

"Do... do you really have t-to go?" I try to sound as innocent and helpless as I can. It usually works with Lilly, though I very rarely use it on her. I always feel so guilty afterwards, but usually it works when I want ask to do something I want for once. I wish she would treat me as someone stronger. But until then, subtleness is always a useful trait to have. Maybe she'll see that strength in time.

"I haven't seen my sister in weeks. I'm really very sorry, Hanako, but I can't just bail on her at such short notice. Is there anything you can do yourself while I'm in town?"

I already feel bad about my attempts to manipulate Lilly's affections. Plus, I do quite like Akira. She's one of the few people who treats me like a normal person. I decide to tell Lilly about Hisao's presence.

"H-Hisao is... here," I manage.

"There you go then! You can spend some time with him, maybe. Talk a little." She smiles sweetly at me, and although I know Lilly can't see me I try to suppress a grimace. Hisao can still look over, after all. I hate it when she tries to interfere! I know she means well, I know she thinks it's for the best, but pushing me does no good at all. Surely she knew Hisao was here from the start. He's still making sounds with his pencil scratching at paper, trying to work, breathing heavily, though it looks as if he's making a clear effort not to eavesdrop. I doubt he can hear us anyway given the volume Lilly and I are speaking at. She must have heard him from the start. All this was planned from the moment she walked inside. We may be close friends, and she may have my best interests at heart, but Lilly can be just as manipulative as I try to be sometimes. Such a facade to hide behind! It makes me so annoyed at times.

Resigned to Lilly's suggestion, and realising my defeat (even if I wasn't trying too hard anyway), I agree with her. We say our goodbyes, and I give my best wishes to pass on to Akira. As Lilly leaves, I sit down at my desk again, chin in hand, staring down. I think about what to do to pass the time. I have no work to do, having already finished during class. Going to my room is pointless. And I hardly want to stay here, perpetuating the silence between Hisao and myself. Awkwardness may be my calling card, but it's not my desire. I pull out my book again, and start to read, but can feel Hisao's eyes on me. When he next turns away, I get up and leave, heading for my usual spot in the library.

I didn't expect him to follow me. I sit in a beanbag, my regular seat, reading the book I had in the classroom, when I hear footsteps. Quiet ones, not loud and clumsy, so I know it can't be Yuuko. She normally works elsewhere on a Saturday anyway, at the Shanghai tea-house, so the other likely contender would be Hisao. The low sound doesn't startle me, but I look up anyway and see him slowly sink into another beanbag near me. I don't appreciate him coming here, but I do appreciate the care he takes to avoid disturbing me too much. I feel rather conflicted, whether to be pleased or angry. I settle for neutrality.

"Is that the same book as before?" he asks, breaking the silence again.

"Y-yes... I'm almost finished..." I reply.

"Cool." A pause. "Do you mind if I borrow it when you're finished?"

I can't say no, it's not mine. Anyone is free to borrow books from the library. But I feel like he's trying to engage with me through our mutual passion of books, and it's enough to make me answer without much problem.

"S-sure... you m-may not like it, but..."

Hisao interjects before I finish. "I'm sure it can't be that bad. After all, you've stuck with it, haven't you?"

"I-I guess..."

Hisao settles and digs out a book from his own bag, starting to read. I try to do the same and focus on my own book, but it's hard to get back into it. The brief discussion has made me actually want to talk, just a little. If I want people to take me seriously, I can't just retreat into a shell whenever someone tries to interact. But even then, I can't bring myself to start the conversation. Hisao ends up doing so himself. Perhaps he came to the same conclusions regarding his book.

"So, I see Lilly left without you?"

I nod briefly, then look up. My attempt to read has been foiled, and I'm not too bothered. Doesn't mean I'll take the lead as we talk, but at least I can answer okay.

"Lilly said she had to go and... meet someone..."

"Oh?"

"A-Akira," I tell him. "Her sister..."

"Sister?" says Hisao. "I haven't heard her talk about her family..."

"She... she and Akira used to live together."

Apparently this is news to Hisao. Then again, Lilly told him before, right? How she didn't always live in the dorms here, but only for a short while until now.

"I thought all the students lived in the dorms?" he asks.

"T-they... I mean we... don't have to." I wonder if he picked up on the accidental 'they' comment? I didn't mean it, but I guess it's another reminder of how I tend to keep myself away from everyone else. I can't even consider us as part of the same group, between me and the other students here. A self-imposed segregation, born out of fear. And the worst part is, I'm fully aware of it all.

Hisao brings me back to the topic at hand. "But it's easier, right? I mean, there's food here, and you're close to school... I don't think I've been to class on time so often in my life."

That makes me smile a little, though I try unsuccessfully to hide it. Hisao makes a good point.

"Hey, Hanako..." he begins. "What are you doing for the festival?"

This is a sudden change in mood. Surely he doesn't seriously expect me to go tomorrow! Or is it something else he means? The shock renders me almost speechless, though I manage to let out a brief "S-sorry?" while staring at him.

"I was just asking what you're doing for the festival tomorrow. Anything planned?"

So he is serious, then. "I... I don't know."

I hope he gets the hint. I try to be evasive, deliberately, and make it as obvious as I can that we're both better off abandoning this line of conversation. Hisao seems to understand, because his next words sound rather defeated, but willing to forget the topic.

"Oh, okay," he says. "So, what's Lilly's sister like?"

The change in topic is a good one. This is something I can actually talk about. "She... she's nice. She's pretty, like Lilly, but she dresses... business-like..."

"Business-like?" Hisao sounds curious.

"She... she's always wearing a suit..."

"Ah, I see," Hisao says. "And that makes her less pretty somehow?"

It's kind of embarrassing to be heading down this path. Not to mention, after the effort Hisao has made simply to make friends with me, I almost feel a pang of jealousy at his apparent interest in Akira. Nothing so strong, but just a slight feeling. It confuses me a little, but I let it pass. I shake my head briefly and answer Hisao's question.

"N-no... just... different." Something I can relate to again. But it's clear from my tone of voice how much I do like her, how friendly Akira is to me without even making the kind of effort Hisao is making now. Perhaps it's the Western influence in their family that gives both Akira and Lilly the tolerance so few people in Japan have for... people like me. Especially ones who see their condition the way I do.

"Well," Hisao starts, "one day you'll have to introduce me to her."

That, I can do. "O-okay." I smile at Hisao, before the silence returns, the conversation over. We return to our respective books, and I think about the talk we have just had. It was nice to finally talk to Hisao properly, without my nerves getting in the way. Regardless of my feelings at the start, we had a good time, without it dragging on, and without Hisao intruding on me too much. He knew to back off when necessary, something not many people would do. Misha certainly wouldn't. As we read, the sun begins to slowly fade away in the summer afternoon and the light through the window takes on a more serene crimson colour.

A while later, we both notice the time has passed so quickly. We've clearly been in the library for a good few hours, not talking, but reading and just enjoying the calmness of each other's company. Hisao, as always, is the first to speak.

"Do you think Lilly would be back by now? I think I might head back to my dorm. I'm pretty tired from this week." I look over at Hisao as he speaks, and can see his eyes starting to droop. It looks like he's struggling to keep them open. I, on the other hand, feel fine.

"O-okay. I... I might stay here a little longer." I'm literally at the end of my book, and would feel bad if I had to walk to my room to finish, only to walk all the way back here to swap for something else. Hisao asked to borrow it next, anyway.

"Sure thing," he says. "Well, I'm going to head off before it gets dark. I'll see you around, okay?"

"O-okay. See you, Hisao."

"Later," he replies. Before he leaves, though, I think of something else.

"H-Hisao?"

"Hmm?"

"T-thank you. F-for hanging out with me." I can't hide the smile on my face, so I don't even bother to try. I can only begin to guess what Hisao's thoughts are regarding it, but I don't care. Either way, I feel happier today than I have done for quite a while, and certainly happier in Hisao's company than I was nearer the start of the week. I hope he realises that.

"You're welcome." Hisao smiles back at me, though it looks a little forced. I guess with all the previous awkwardness between us, that's only to be expected, and the genuine sentiment is still clear for all to see. It makes my own joy that bit more profound. "Goodnight, Hanako."

"N-night."

Hisao leaves the library as I watch, before I turn back to my book. I read the top of the penultimate page and drift back into the story...