First I want to say that I am overwhelmed by your response to the last chapter! Thank you all for reading and for all of your comments and PMs!
I know many of you may hate me right now. As in life, things sometimes seem to get worse before they get better. Please hang in there, there is more to come.
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
My darling
Who knew
- Pink
Today has been surreal at best. I can't believe Gail and Chris are probably dead. Dov and I finally managed to get Elaine inside the house and on to the couch where we have been sitting in numb silence, watching the news on TV for what seems like hours ever since. I wish I could say that I didn't think of Elaine as a monster before today, because now all I see is a pathetic, shattered woman with a lifetime of regrets, trying to hold on to the pieces of a relationship with her daughter, and an ending that will never make sense.
It suddenly hits me like a lightning bolt, "Oh Shit! I need to go back to my office! Gail's case… I'm not done! The prosecutor's office is waiting for my report…" I gasp, springing to my feet.
"Holly, don't worry about that now." Elaine's voice comes softly, "My secretary is taking care of everything."
I can't seem to swallow the lump that is forming in my throat making it impossible to speak, so I simply nod at her.
I hear the front door open, and just for a second I think it's Gail coming home. Traci and Steve appear in the doorway with Bill, Gail's father, looking frail and shaken, trailing close behind. The Peck men sit on either side of Elaine, who takes Steve's hand and leans heavily on her husband. Traci hugs both Dov and me in turn.
"Holly, is there anything I can do?" She asks quietly.
I shrug noncommittally.
"Would you like me to call your family, or do you want to do it?" She says in a hushed voice.
I just shake my head and look at the floor.
"So… does that mean you will call them?" She asks again
I shake my head again. "Can you do it?" I whisper.
I know it's dumb, but feel like, if I don't say it, it won't be real. I cue Laurel's number up on my phone and hand it to Traci, who mercifully takes it into the other room where I can't hear her.
Oliver and Celery arrive bringing enough food to feed and army, followed by Yuri and Tatiana, with more food and a bottle of Polish Vodka that he sets before me on the coffee table.
I know I should eat something, but I am frozen and my stomach is a ball of solid ice. It's only quarter past ten, but I get up and go to our bar pulling out a tray of shot glasses and my bottle of JD. I set them on the table next to the vodka. Elaine reaches forward and pours herself a shot of bourbon. She kicks it back quickly and pours herself another one that she places on the table in front of her. Tears leak from her closed eyes. She wipes them briskly away, opens her eyes, and sits up straighter. Steve glances at her and then stares down at his hands looking lost.
"Thank you Holly." She smiles sadly at me as I hand her a tissue, and for the first time I see genuine warmth in her eyes.
"She loves you." I say quietly.
"You have no idea how much I need to believe that right now." Elaine says so softly I barely catch her words.
"It's true." I say, not quite knowing how to deal with this.
"I know she thinks I only care about myself," Elaine continues, using the tissue to blot under her eyes. "I know that I can be critical, but I have only ever wanted the best for her, for both of my children." She reaches over and gives Steve's arm a squeeze. "I never thought that it would come to this."
I don't know what to say, so I say nothing. I just look at her.
"I wanted Gail to be with a man who would be good enough for her, but I can see now that I was wrong." She says, shaking her head. "I'm so glad she has had you in her life, Holly. If I could do it over, maybe I could find a way to let her know just how much I love her, and how proud I am of her."
"Thank you Elaine." I say softly.
She nods and looks back at the television. Steve looks over at me with wide eyes and a stunned expression.
More coverage of the fire runs on the TV. We mutely watch the screen as the reporter on the scene announces that there are unconfirmed reports of two Toronto Police Officers who may have lost their lives in the blaze.
As Oliver returns from the kitchen, he grabs Dov, who is pacing the length of the living room, into a fierce embrace, unashamed of the tears streaming down his cheeks. Dov breaks down, sobbing into Oliver's shoulder.
"It's ok Kid, it's ok…" I hear him murmur to Dov.
Every so often Elaine's radio crackles to life, but so far there is no new news. Images of the fire from the TV are imprinted on my brain, searing every single one of my nerve endings. I can't take it anymore. I get up and wander out onto the back deck to get some air. Looking out over the trees that surround our back yard, I feel like I may be able to breathe again. Gail loved this view. She said that part of the reason she loved this house was because the trees made her feel like we were here all alone, while still being close to everything. The worst part of this is that Gail and Chris's bodies have yet to be recovered from the blaze. That and the waiting, waiting for any news to come from the Fire Department. It's pretty clear there could be no survivors, but the wait for the inevitable is killing me.
From what Dov managed to tell me, the call came in last night, just as the shift was about to change. An alarm was going off in one of the warehouses by the docks. Chris and Dov had been riding together all day, but Gail knew that this was one of the warehouses that were on the watch list for her case. And besides, Dov had a hot date with Chloe that night and didn't want to be late. Gail told him with a smirk, what could be better? Doing her job, earning points with Yuri, and making him owe her one. A favor Dov assured me tearfully, he would repay her by looking after me every day of his life. I tried to tell him that wouldn't be necessary, that it wasn't his fault. But he insisted that it should be him in there, not Gail, and wouldn't be talked down. It will be impossible to know what happened until the fire investigators have finished their report, but its pretty clear that Gail and Chris were on the scene at the warehouse when the explosion that sparked the fire occurred.
There is a gentle hand on my arm, and I turn to find Nick standing there. He looks like he is going to be sick. His eyes are red and sunken against his sheet white complexion. Maybe he already has been.
He clears his throat, "I know you must hate me, but I loved her too." He says in a horse whisper.
"I know." I whisper back, and reach out to take his hand.
This is ridiculous! My house is filling up with all of the people who love Gail and Chris, and I am standing on my back deck holding hands with Nick, and looking out at the trees. I should hate him. But I find this, of all things to be strangely comforting. I hear the door slide open behind us, and turn just in time to see Andy shake her head, burst into tears, and run back into the house. Nick sighs, and puts his arm around my shoulder. I lean into him and continue to stare out at the trees in silence. If I could just stay right here forever, I could stay in the illusion that things might be ok.
Celery is suddenly standing beside me. She moves so quietly I didn't know she was there until she handed Nick a mug of some kind of tea. Her eyes are enormous and sad as she sets another mug on the railing in front of me.
She pulls me into a hug and whispers in my ear, "Don't give up Holly! We need you!"
I pull back, my eyes desperately searching hers to see if there is something she knows that we don't, but all I find is compassion. She kisses my cheek and urges me to drink my tea. I am surprised to find that it is simply green tea with chamomile and rose petals, sweetened with honey. It tastes good, and it gives my hands something to do. Gail hates tea. She will drink it because I do, with lots of cream and sugar, but I know she would rather be drinking coffee or liquor.
I am about to go back inside when the door slides almost violently open and Jen bursts onto the deck, flinging herself at me with a stricken look on her face. She wraps me in a hug so tight it takes my breath away.
"Oh God Holly! I am so sorry!" She begins, pulling away slightly to look at me with such intensity I almost can't bear it. "If there is anything, anything at all…"
I take a deep breath and say, "Thanks Jen, I appreciate it!"
Suddenly the deck and the house are too small. I need to get out of here! I give Jen a squeeze and walk back into the house.
"Hey," I begin. Everyone stops and turns to look at me. "I think I'm going to go for a run. Does anyone want to join me?"
Dov looks up from his tea, "Uh yeah, why don't we do that." He says, setting it down and getting to his feet.
In the end, Dov, and Andy, and Traci, and Nick, and Jen, and Chloe, and Sam join me. We move through the park in a pack, with nothing but the sound of our sneakers hitting the pavement. After about 5k my breath doesn't come as easily, at 10k my muscles are beginning to burn, but I don't stop.
"Ok Holly," Chloe pants beside me, "I think I've had enough and I'm going to turn around."
I nod and keep going. As long as I am running, as long as I am in motion, I can concentrate on that. At 15k I slow to a walk, Jen and Dov are barely winded in spite of the distance and the pace I set. Traci and Nick aren't far behind leaving Andy to bring up the rear with Sam. I can't seem to stop, but my feet find their way back to our cars in the lot. We all do yoga stretching on the grass. Jen bows to me and we start to go through a simple Kata, slowly at first, and then at top speed, much to the amazement of the gathered officers. It feels good to hit something hard! Finally, I send Jen flying. She laughs as I pull her up off the ground. Wow. I needed that! And now it's time that I guess we should be getting back.
I let Jen drive, and the ride home is quiet. The closer we get the more I am dreading it. I know it's the middle of the afternoon, but I need this day to be over. All I want to do is take a shower, and go to bed curled up around one of Gail's shirts. When we get to the house, Oliver is waiting for us.
"Hey Holly," He says, gently taking me by the elbow and leading me inside, "The Chief Fire Inspector is here. Superintendent Peck insisted that he wait for you to come home before briefing us all."
"Oh. Ok." Is all I can manage.
A mixture of gratitude for waiting, toward Elaine and Bill and Steve, and the feeling of dread growing in my chest makes it hard to breathe. As I walk into the living room, an older man in a crisp Fire Department uniform stands up, along with everyone else.
Elaine introduces us, "Holly, this is Chief Fire Inspector Scott O'Conner, Inspector O'Connor, this is Dr. Holly Stewart from our forensics department, and Gail's Partner."
We shake hands and he begins, "As you may or may not yet know, we have finally been able to put down the fire in Warehouse Seventeen-eighty-two. While the structure remains unstable, we are unable to conduct an extensive search. But rest assured we are doing everything in our power to bring your loved ones home."
I feel suddenly dizzy as if all of the blood has drained from my body, the memory of Gail's words, very much like these, echoing through my head, her pledge to be safe, to come home to me. There is the smallest flash of anger in my gut as he says this. I push it down, not ready to feel anything yet. But wait, there seems to be more.
"We did find this on the floor of the entry way to the parking structure that was attached to the warehouse." He hands Elaine a very crumpled, partially burned and muddy Police cap. "Once again, the structure is far too unstable at this time to do an extensive search."
Elaine turns the cap over in her hands, smiles sadly and hands it to me. On the inside, taped with clear packing tape to the top of the crown, is a photo of Gail and me laughing at Leo's tenth birthday party. I feel the sharp flash of anger again, followed by a wave of pain, knowing I will never hear her laugh again.
"I'm sorry Elaine, Bill, I wish there was more I could tell you at this time." He says.
"Thank you Scott. I'm sure you will keep us informed of any developments." Elaine smiles and shakes his hand.
"I'm very sorry." He says again looking around the room before he turns to go.
I try to say something, anything, but I can't, and it seems that my legs won't support me anymore either. All I can do is sit there looking at that fucking picture inside of Gail's hat, and feel the weight of it all begin to descend.