He couldn't sleep. He just wasn't able to get a full night's rest anymore, no matter how tight he closed his eyes. And when he did manage to drift off to sleep, he could not dream.
It had only been two days since Thor's visit and Loki spent each night staring at his wall. He was bombarded by his own paranoia of the ceiling being ripped open and him getting sucked out of the building, up to Thor or Asgard. He did not want to go.
When he really thought it over, Thor had no real reason to suddenly want his presence once again. Things did not add up quite right; why throw him out only to come back for him? Asgard must be in real trouble. The only reason he could fathom Thor wanting his return would be to expose his magical ability or cunning - nothing else. Or maybe Odin deemed Loki too dangerous to remain on Midgard and wanted him to rot away in an Asgardian cell once again. That did not quite add up either. Dangerous? How?
Not knowing what his fate would be scared him.
Regardless of the reason, he knew he did not want to go. Not back to the silence. Not back to the rage. Not back to the self-loathing as his only companion. Not back to that bottomless pit that his family seemed to add to his very being save for Frigga. Frigga was the only light Asgard seemed to have.
His adoptive mother was the only person in that realm that he knew loved him. He wished she would visit him if he had to return. She was not permitted to the first time he was in that cell.
Insomnia was a beast he simply could not slay. Eventually it bothered him to the point where he got up in the middle of the night and walked down the hallway to Tony's room. Without a word, half of the reason was to not wake him, the half feared rejection, Loki would climb into his bed. He would lay down on the far side, and stare at the light glow of Tony's chest. His arc reactor, the mechanical heart in Loki's mind, pulsed slightly with each heartbeat. It was calming but it only brought the volume of the screaming in his head down. It wasn't enough.
He tried to sleep but though Tony's presence gave him comfort, it was not enough. Nothing was enough.
Loki would leave when light appeared between the blinds in the window. Since it had been raining nonstop, the light came through feebly. He asked JARVIS not to tell Tony about his late night visits. He had a feeling it would seem a little..."creepy". The last thing he wanted was for Tony to freak out.
"Does he even sleep anymore?" Tony asked JARVIS, standing in the kitchen and getting his cup of coffee. The iron man was unusually up early that morning, but only because he had been woken up by a shift in weight on his bed. He had rolled over sleepily and managed to catch a glance of Loki's retreating figure. Being very confused, Tony asked JARVIS what happened.
Seeing that JARVIS technically did not tell Tony - instead Tony found out on his own - JARVIS showed the iron man the surveillance footage from the nights Loki visited.
"Sir, he seems to receive only four hours of sleep a night."
"Insomnia then." Tony mused, taking a deep sip of black coffee. In that moment, Bruce decided to walk in the room, yawning and stretching. Tony wasted no time turning to him. "Yo, Lokes is having some insomnia. Possible causes?"
"I'm not that type of doctor." Bruce stumbled around Tony to grab some granola from a cabinet.
"You're no help," the iron man rolled his eyes. "I'm deducting your pay."
"I don't work for you."
"Seriously though, how can I help him?"
Bruce stuck his hand into the bag to start munching on granola. Tony snatched the bag out of his hand and threw it on the counter.
"Bruce!" Tony whined.
"Fine! I'm starving though, I didn't get any of Steve's lasagna last night," He retrieved his breakfast while Tony pouted. "Insomnia is usually an indication of stress and depression. Not too surprising given recent events. We can try to help it by getting him to relax."
"Quite a task." Tony grumbled.
"Yeah, considering it's Loki," Bruce chuckled. "Bag of cats, my friend. Bag of cats."
Mid-day came by slowly and Loki was still cooped up in his room. Of course, the frost giant did not spend all that time staring at the wall. He tried to distract his thoughts by watching a few movies. He played one-sided chess. He even finished reading Hamlet for the twelfth time. Nothing worked.
He did not want to leave the safety of his room, save only once for food. It was completely irrational, but he felt safer in his room than out in the common space where one section of the glass wall of the balcony was completely flattened. Yes, it was facing repairs, but he felt it was too exposed. Too much of a vulnerable place for Thor to return to.
Loki twirled a knife between his fingers as he stared at the screen in front of him. The television was brand new; it was a present from Tony a while ago. The Wizard of Oz was currently playing on it. Though he appreciated the theme and ideas behind the story, he felt it was a little...stupid. The straw male that the young girl had first enlisted in her quest was very foolish. He was seeking a brain for wisdom, but did it ever occur to him that he already had one? How else would he think or breathe?
The lion man was even worse. A lion that was scared and cowardly - oh the irony! But Loki wanted to facepalm so much, he should know it was brave of him to voice his fears and issues to a complete stranger. He accompanied the girl in the red shoes on her quest which was quite noble. How could he not see that?
And then there was the only character he sympathized with in the whole movie: the tin man. What a poor soul, thinking he lacked the ability to love. He thought he was a cold machine without a heart. But really, he showed so much care for everyone around him. It reminded him vaguely of Tony and he chuckled when he realized both men were metal.
Speaking of the devil, there was a knock at the door which Loki called out, "Come in."
Tony immediately poked his head in to grin at the frost giant perched in front of the screen. "Hey there Frosty."
"Tin man." Loki retorted, moving aside nonchalantly to show Tony that he can sit down next to him on the edge of the bed. "What brings you to my wonderful domain?"
"You sound upbeat today," Tony took the invitation. "I'm scared."
"Be quiet," Loki tried to say jokingly, but his voice cracked midway. "I have just discovered the classic film of 'The Oz' which is entertaining but absurd. Nevertheless, I am entertained."
"So you like it then, Lokes?"
"I suppose."
"How surprised were you to find out the wizard was a fake?" Tony asked, looking at the screen to figure out where in the story he was. The scene was right before the confrontation of the wicked witch.
"Thoroughly disappointed." Loki admitted. "I was looking forward to seeing some magic. I haven't seen any in a long time-"
"Wait! Shh, watch this," Tony said abruptly, pointing to the screen.
Loki sat there engrossed, watching as Dorothy threw a bucket of water at the witch. The green lady melted from the impact. He couldn't help but snort. "What is wrong with Midgardians? Really? A simple bucket of water to defeat a magic user?"
"It's brilliant." Tony snickered as Loki shook his head slowly.
"This movie continues to disappoint." He was expecting some type of dramatic showdown in which Dorothy reflects the witch's magic with the power of love, and caring, and all that squishy heart stuff Midgardians were so fond of. But nope. Just a bucket of water. What a lame ass ending.
After the movie finally ended, Loki promptly turned off the tv and leaned back. No more for that day. He couldn't handle it. Loki turned his attention to Tony, a brow raised.
"What do you need?"
"What? I can't just spend time with my favorite-" Tony stopped when Loki's eye twitched. It was best he not finish that sentence then. "I just want to spend time with you."
"Mhmm." Loki hummed.
"Wanted to have some fun, maybe play some chess, relieve some stress."
"Hmmmm."
"It's what friends do! Hang out, y'know?" Tony elbowed him.
"I appreciate the effort, but I am not in the mood for Midgardian chess." Loki finally said. "It involves too much thinking."
Tony snorted. "You're starting to sound like an American. Watch it."
"With the amount of time I've spent here, I am not surprised."
"So what's bothering you?" Tony finally asked. "You always enjoy thinking and beating my ass in chess."
"What do you think?" Loki snapped before returning to his usual warm tone he used with Tony. "I'm sorry. He worries me."
"Lokes, I promised you-"
"I know!" he took a breath, "I know. It still doesn't dismiss the fact that he's never going to leave me alone."
"I-"
Boom. The lights flickered and were accompanied by a loud crash of glass. What sounded like Steve's scream followed. Tony jumped up to his feet along with Loki.
"JARVIS, get a suit ready as soon as possible! Thor needs to go."
"Sir," the AI responded politely. "I must inform you that Thor is nowhere near the facility."
The two ran out the door and down the hall to see what was going on. It was a false alarm, thank goodness for Loki's heart.
They found Steve lying on the floor with broken glass surrounding his figure. He had his arms wrapped protectively around some black mass of feathers. A small towel was lying just a few feet away from him. The taped over door to the balcony was wide open, the harsh rain bringing water inside the tower. Tony was quick to shut it close before helping Steve to his feet.
"What happened?" Loki demanded, eyes rapidly switching between the door and the glass on the floor.
"Not your brother," Steve replied sheepishly, still cradling whatever was in his arms. Bruce arrived with a medical kit and a broom. Steve nodded to him before continuing, "I'm sorry. I was sketching when this bird flew into the window. I wanted to help it out so I grabbed a bowl to fill up with water and a towel. But while I was walking back in, a lot of lightning struck the balcony. It scared me and I...fell."
"You could have been electrocuted." Loki whispered, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," the captain said, setting the bird down on the towel. It chirped softly. "I was just trying to help the little guy out."
"How noble." Loki mused before turning heel and practically running back to his room. The avengers watched him leave with frowns.
"What do I do?" Tony finally sighed, rubbing his face in frustration. He was not the best person for this feeling stuff. He was starting to think he wasn't good at healing either and maybe he was causing Loki more pain.
Nothing worked.
In his head, a voice kept chanting not safe, not safe, not safe...
The captain almost got killed because Loki was the cause of Thor's storms. It was all indirectly Loki's fault and he realized the situation did not just involve him anymore. As long as he was around his friends, they were in danger. They could get hit in the crossfire, something he did not want them to experience. Especially Tony...
The iron man promised to protect him at any cost. Loki did not want to see him fight that hard for his safety. Loki was not worth it.
He wasn't worth anything. Frost giant.
He needed to leave. He needed to go somewhere far from New York, somewhere Tony could not follow him fast enough. Thor would follow him once he left, leaving Tony safe from having to be involved in the conflict. But how could he leave?
He thought about it. Tony did say he had multiple places of dwelling. Loki could escape to one of them and then travel around the state. Didn't Tony say he had a mansion in a place called Malibu? It was across the country and would be perfect. But how to get there? He couldn't drive there as that means of transport was too slow. Oh how he wished he still had his magic! He was so weak without it. He would not even be in this hole if he had it.
Tony has a private jet he remembered. That would be perfect if he could use it in the late night and arrive before everyone woke up.
How could he use it? He could think of only one person who actively used the jet but was sure she would not approve of doing business with him. But maybe her hatred for him was strong enough to use to his advantage if he offered her something she could not refuse.
"JARVIS," Loki said quietly. "Do not tell anyone in this building about this next command, don't even record it."
"Sir, if what you request is detrimental to your health, it will be denied."
"Tis' not," Loki responded cooly. "Allow me to get a private call with Lady Pepper Potts."
It wasn't too long when night finally fell and Loki dragged his small bag of belongings with him. Inside was a few pair of his clothes, one small book, and that sweater he had come to love so fondly. He also took a bit of the captain's pie to munch on later. He loved that pie so much.
Everyone in the tower was sound asleep as it was around two in the morning. The frost giant dropped his stuff off by the elevator before taking in the view of the room, committing the beloved floor he found home to memory. Oh how quickly things seemed to change for him; what was once his paradise was now another one of his mental hells.
He walked down the hall to enter Tony's room for a good bye. The light of the arc reactor greeted him and he trudged forward to look at the iron man's face in the dark. He felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards the mortal man. Tony, the tin man. He had saved Loki from himself, picked him up, took care of him. Showed him so much more care than any of his family ever did in the centuries that he lived. Loki owed Tony so much. Tony did not have to be so nice to him. They were enemies before.
Loki didn't deserve it.
He closed his eyes to take a breath from his nose.
He wasn't worth it.
This was probably the last time Loki would see Tony in a long time. The frost giant brushed some of his brunette hair away from his closed eye lids, careful not to let his unnaturally cold skin rouse the man from his sleep. He couldn't move. For what seemed like forever, he silently cried, not wanting to go. But he had to.
His time was ticking and if he stayed...
"I'll see you again soon." he rasped before leaning down to plant a soft kiss on his lips. It was faintly a whisper, barely a touch of skin, but it was enough.
He did not know that Tony was awake.
The frost giant quietly reached into his pocket and withdrew a lone paperclip. It was the same one Tony had given him to protect. Since spending so much time researching Midgardian life, he had found out the paperclip was not really a being. It was a lie Tony had told him, but a cute one meant to comfort him. He appreciated it, but it no longer served it's purpose. Loki turned heel and closed the door just as he had nights before. And Tony, thinking Loki was simply following the new routine, watched him go. But he pondered what all of that was about. He wished he could figure the frost giant out sometimes.
He met Pepper at the front of the tower out in the sheets of rain. The woman nodded solemnly and Loki returned the gesture. It was time to leave.
A/N: Super long chapter today. I really just combined two because I felt like it flowed better. Thanks for the reviews~
If you want to cry, I suggest reading the last part while listening to the song "Song to say goodbye" by Placebo. Just saying.