Act 3 – Chapter Three: Fracture
Turning up to classes is a massive work of effort now. If I had my way I'd simply lie in bed and stare at the walls until this passes. However, I owe it to Miss Yumi to at least try. Besides, I can see Hisao getting worried after my good behaviour recently, and the last thing I need is him knocking on the door (with or without Lilly's support) trying to drag me away. Even if he felt it was the best thing for me.
So, here I am. Nevertheless, I'm barely listening to the lecture. Something about chemistry, I think. I've probably read it somewhere already. I glance briefly at Hisao but his eyes are fixed on the window, the sun shining outside and beckoning us all to escape the dull room I feel increasingly trapped in. As I look away I'm startled by my name, of all things.
"Now... Ikezawa?"
Mutou-sensei stares at me, not at my scars, but directly into my eyes. Did he sense that I wasn't paying attention? No, he's not so harsh. It was just my turn to answer something for once. It's extremely rare, though, given my situation. I stare back, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone but the teacher. "Y-yes?"
He clears his throat and asks the question. "In this particular example of a redox reaction, the combustion of methane reaction actually produces one more product than is listed. That product is...?"
I quickly scan the board to see what is listed, and where the gaps are. I definitely read about this just last week, while trying to prepare for my eventual withdrawal. It still takes a moment, though, for the right answer to arrive in my head. I bite my lip as I try to come up with the words to say...
"Um... h-heat?"
A few seconds pass in silence. I worry that I've made a fool of myself in front of the rest of the class. Then... "Well done. This is an exothermic reaction, with the reaction giving more heat than is put into it." Mutou nods briefly and turns away, continuing his lecture, as I gratefully sink into my seat and sigh. I managed to get through without too much trouble. My exterior betrays nothing, and nobody can tell the trauma still hidden inside. I steal another look at Hisao and notice he's smiling, just a little. It's a start.
"Right then. For the remainder of this class I'd like you to work in groups of three or four on the problems in chapter twelve. I'll be here if you need me." With Mutou's instructions comes a nod in my direction, his silent approval for me to take my leave and retreat to the library. As he sits down he takes some paperwork from his desk and starts to write. I hear a familiar voice to one side, Hisao being accosted as usual by a pink piece of construction equipment and her silent handler.
"I suppose we have a group, then", he says.
"Hicchan!" comes the reply. "You want to work together? Okay, okay! That's great, it's really been a while!" As if he had a choice. It looks to me like they're standing on either side of his desk, surrounding him, not the other way around. The noise of people moving tables and shuffling their chairs is almost deafening, an irony I doubt is lost on our esteemed president.
Can I do this? Really? I think back to my last session with Miss Yumi. It's not too late for me to leave, to slip away silently and head to my favourite beanbag. Or even further afield. Nobody would blame me, if anyone were even to notice with my exit being masked by the racket around me. Still, Miss Yumi's words come back to me. She wanted me to at least try and do something with other people. Working as part of a group would be perfect, especially if I'm working with Hisao. At least then there'd be somebody I know and could even possibly trust without any problems. Shizune can't do much either, relying on Misha to act as her 'voice'. And there's the problem. How would I be able to deal with someone as loud and boisterous as Misha?
It's a difficult decision. As the sound dies down I realise that I have little time left to make a move. What would Miss Yumi say, as if I don't already know? Or Lilly, for that matter? They'd both be gently, ever so slightly, pushing me to join in, without it being too obvious or forceful. It wouldn't be too hard for them to suggest what I should do, but never try to control my choices or push me too hard to do something I don't want to do.
I know I'll regret this if I don't join in. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I move slowly forward and stand uneasily just behind Shizune, wondering if I should make my presence known, when Hisao catches my eye. As he does, Misha turns (presumably curious to what he's looking at) and faces me. "Good afternoon, Hanako!"
"Um... hello..." I return the greeting quietly, eyes fixed on Misha's hands as she relays the words to Shizune. In turn, the president looks across at me, before tapping Misha's shoulder to get her attention. I find myself unable to follow the rapid signing that follows, even if I could read the language (which I can't).
"Shicchan says, if you're looking for a group, you can join ours!" I'm a little surprised, truth be told. I expected questions, with Shizune wanting to know why I chose to stay behind this time. The lack of an interrogation is far from unwelcome, in any case. I look down and blush, ever so slightly. At least I'm with people I know, even if it's a tenuous relationship at best in two of the three cases.
I turn away to bring my desk across, the sound of metal dragging on the floor grating in my ears. Behind me I hear Misha in her quietest voice, which isn't actually that quiet. "I guess we get to play again, Hicchan! You hardly ever play with us anymore..." From the choice of words I guess it's Shizune who was really saying that. Misha is playful, sure, but I've never had much indication she's the type to flirt with anyone, and especially not Hisao. As for Shizune, well, I know from past experience and from Lilly's comments how competitive she gets. All this would just be another game to her.
As I think I almost miss Hisao's response... "I wonder why? You two always seem to have some ulterior motive." My thoughts exactly.
"That hurt, Hicchan..." Shizune again, I would assume. As close to direct a response as she can manage to the challenge posed by Hisao. "I'd almost think you were insulting me! But! It's Hicchan, so I know that you're joking!"
I'm facing the trio now as I move my desk a bit closer, struggling to navigate the narrow corridors left by the haphazard arrangement elsewhere in the classroom. I can see Misha smiling like the Cheshire Cat, while Shizune's face is marred by an exasperated frown. I suppose the last sentence was Misha's little edit.
"Such a great sense of humour about it; it'd be awful if someone were to take advantage of your good nature." Hisao goes on the offensive. "Like making you help them with their work."
As he finishes speaking, Shizune's look changes from a frown to a triumphant smirk, as if she's suddenly realised that her foe has forced himself into checkmate. "Wahaha," her translator cries. Before anything further can be said, Shizune meets my eye and maintains a more neutral expression. I guess now I'm ready to start working, the games are over.
As I sit down my face drops and I look straight at the floor. I've already noticed something nobody else has, something that the previous conversation was enough to distract me from, however briefly. Now that the silence has hit, the curious looks of those around me are enough to push me deeper into my reverie. Nobody gives a damn when I leave the classroom, but it's so strange for me to stick around. Everyone feels the need to stare, and it makes me feel awful.
I do my best to ignore it, but still the eyes are on me for a few minutes longer. Hisao meets my gaze for the shortest second before I look away, but I see the concern spread across his features. At least he cares. Misha and Shizune make an effort to avoid paying any attention to what's going on, and for that I'm grateful. They're acting as if nothing's wrong and in a way it's comforting. It makes me feel just a tiny bit more at ease, no simple task here, but it will take a lot more than that to put me fully at rest. Even so, the gesture is nice.
Eventually the rest of the class settles down to work. "Hi, Hanako," comes a bright voice from my side. "It's nice to finally work with you."
I appreciate Misha's comment, especially since I know it's from her (no sign from Shizune, in the literal sense of the term), but my mind is still on the events of a moment ago. "Y-yeah." Across from me, Shizune finally starts to sign, as Misha quickly translates.
"Are you the reason Hicchan has been avoiding us lately? Shicchan says it's a little rude, but if Hicchan wanted to spend time with a cute girl, it's understandable!"
I'm a little embarrassed at that. Well, more than a little. I act on reflex, moving my hand to cover the right side of my face, but nobody else seems to notice. Of interest to me is the wording used just now, though. I realise that Misha was adding her own comment to the message conveyed by Shizune, but I doubt someone like Shizune would say I was 'cute'. Then again, I wouldn't expect anyone to say something like that. So that must have been Misha's addition. Why would she say that? In my nervousness I can't help but return to my old stammer.
"I-I don't t-think it's like that..." I start to fidget, my hands unable to stay still. I uncover my face and pick at my palms, my fingers twitching, unable to cope with the attention. I do like Misha, but right now I wish she'd simply shut up.
"Really?" she continues. "So! He wasn't hanging out with you yesterday?"
What is she talking about? Nobody was hanging out with me yesterday. I was either with Miss Yumi or alone... "N... no..." I sneak a look at Hisao, who's starting to look a lot more uncomfortable. What is he trying to hide? Do I really want to know?
"Yeah," he says, "I was... doing something else. You know how it is..." Looking at him, he clearly doesn't want to discuss this any more than I do. Can we not just start working already? It doesn't work out that way, however, as Shizune starts signing further questions. Perhaps I was quick to dismiss the probability of an 'interrogation' earlier after all.
"Really? I wonder what was so important, for Hicchan to blow us off like that! If it wasn't to spend time with Hanako, then what could it be? It's really interesting..."
No, it isn't interesting, Misha. Please, just stop. I know she doesn't mean to cause any trouble, but she seems to have such difficulty in picking up on how awkward this is for us all. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get more and more worried about what Hisao was doing yesterday. I know I spoke to Lilly, albeit only very briefly, when I had a chance (reluctantly, on Miss Yumi's advice), about the possibility of her having feelings for Hisao. Maybe I was too vague in my clumsy questioning to get a clear answer...
"W... were you with L-Lilly?" I can't help myself, and in the corner of my eye I see a brief flash of amusement cross Misha's face. The glimmer of defeat betrays Hisao's next comment.
"W-what makes you say that?"
I've had a stammer long enough to recognise Hisao's stumble there, even if the guarded tone of his voice wasn't a clue. I know I'm right. "Y-yesterday Lilly said something s-similar..." Which is true. She was much better at hiding her intentions than Hisao, too. She's a much better liar, though I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or bad.
While I try to locate the falsehood in Hisao's words, Misha jumps back in to the conversation, spurred on by more signs from Shizune. I can't help but wonder which of them is enjoying this more, and it makes me feel sick. "Suspicious! Hicchan! I demand that you explain yourself!"
"Hey, shouldn't we be doing the assignment?" I kind of agree with Hisao here, but I still want to know more. I realise I'm torturing myself by doing so, but the lack of knowledge seems so much worse than the truth.
"But! It's so mysterious... even Hanako wants to know!" It's clear all over my face, and Misha can see that, but inside I'm tearing myself apart with indecision. Either answer would be better than this, but I'm dreading hearing it.
"Alright. I'll tell you. I went into town with Lilly, but it wasn't what you think." Alright then. This is it. Moment of truth. "Lilly and I were," he continues. "Uh... for Hanako's birthday... we were..."
No.
No. I don't want to believe it. What did she say to him? What did she tell him?
All I can sense is silence. Hisao knows there's something wrong, but he doesn't say a word. Misha and Shizune both know about my troubles, they heard from Lilly long ago, but they don't understand how bad it can get. As soon as I heard that word, it acted like a trigger. Hisao and Lilly being alone in the city together only makes it worse. My mind races through the worst possibilities I can think of, as Shizune and Misha exchange sheepish looks. I stare at my desk, my face frozen. I barely hear the next words from Misha, much quieter than her usual manner of speech.
"Hanako? I'm sorry..."
Does she even know what she's apologising for? Is she saying sorry for thinking Lilly and Hisao were doing something else together? Is she sorry for what they really were up to? Or is she sorry for the way she kept pushing and pushing and pushing...
I wait a few seconds, but each one lasts a lifetime for me.
Eventually I raise my head. "I-it's... okay..." I can barely speak. I look at the paper in front of me but nothing sinks in. I can't focus. My mind is full of nothing but bad thoughts, flashbacks to my distant past. My hands are numb, unmoving, while I can't hear a word anybody says to me or anyone else. I'm dimly aware that Misha is trying again to speak, but the context flies overhead and my brain refuses to register a single damn thing. I reply on nothing but impulse, my mouth acting on autopilot. "I-I... um.. n-not really... I g-guess..." The simple reply gives my body a chance to breathe out, the only other sign I make of any kind of human reaction.
"You okay?" Hisao's voice goes straight through me like a knife. "I could go over this bit if you want."
He doesn't understand. None of them understand. Not a single one. I shake my head again, the tiniest of movements. I don't need to know this, I don't want to work on the damn problems, I just want to be alone and I don't need any of this hassle, I don't need the constant looks of pity and the staring at my scars and the oblivious glances, I just want sweet blessed oblivion itself, anything to keep me away from all this... this...
Still. That's all I am. Nothing more. Completely still. Like the grave.
"Hanako?" Misha sounds like a high-pitched cannon going off in my head, such a contrast to the blissful silence of a mere moment ago. "Are you sure you're okay?"
No, Misha. I'm not okay. "Y-yes..."
"Are you sure?" No, Hisao, I'm not sure. "I'm fine." I turn my head away in a vain attempt to reinforce my statement, my rare defiance. I stay silent as the others discuss the group problems. I have enough problems of my own.
Beside me I feel the subtle vibrations in the air as Shizune's arms wave. I feel everything around me so much more keenly now. On cue, the translation comes. "Hanako, you're being too quiet. You have to contribute too! Someday, we might work on a bigger project, like one that's so big it's worth celebrating afterwards, like with ice cream, or cake. If you act like this, we won't take you along!"
I don't want cake. I don't want ice cream.
I want my family.
"Guys," my white knight says, "don't tease her like that." I feel so damn helpless. I feel sick at myself, at Hisao, at Lilly, even Miss Yumi. I want this to be over. I want it all to end.
"Hicchan, it's all in good fun! Shicchan says she teases everyone, anyway." I don't care. No wonder Lilly doesn't get along with her.
Don't they understand I'm not like everyone else? Do they just not care? And after all this time, those tiny movements aside, I haven't even twitched.
"Hey, the clock is kind of ticking down. We should speed up a little."
How long have I been like this? How long have I lost myself in my thoughts of despair and self-loathing? A second drags on forever and minutes lose all meaning.
"Hicchan! You sound a little like Shicchan, there..."
"Just because I looked at my watch? Jeez, is that really all it takes? Time management, and suddenly I'm the Student Council president?"
I want to laugh along with them but I know it will never happen. I'm not like them. I don't know how to act around people, I don't know what it's like to have friends or family or to be normal. Everything around me is conspiring to make my whole life nothing but a living hell and I'm sick and tired of feeling this way but there's nothing I can do as the clock ticks down and seconds pass like lifetimes and I feel the stares and everyone is looking at me even Hisao and Misha and Shizune and I just feel my life is worthless I should have died too I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be here...
Misha keeps asking what's wrong and there's nothing I can say, I literally cannot say anything to her and I wish she would just shut the hell up and leave me alone. Outside I'm frozen but on the inside I'm screaming, windows shattering in my own psyche and breaking every single bond I was ever foolish enough to construct...
"Did.. we upset her?" My eyes are closed and yet I still hear Misha speak, I still feel the motion in the air that suggests someone walking towards us. Mutou-sensei is the only choice, nobody else would even care enough to make the effort to do anything but stare. His voice confirms it.
"Don't worry." He looks straight at me, but unlike everyone else, he looks into my eyes.
He's the only one who cares enough to try.
"Hi, Ikezawa. Can I help you at all?" I don't say a word. His hand rests gently on my shoulder and I tremble like a leaf in the breeze. He stands back. "Is that it? Nothing's wrong, then?"
I feel the stares subside. I'm grateful.
"I think," Mutou continues quietly, "for Ikezawa's sake, that it would be good to quickly take her somewhere away from others. Nakai, Hakamichi, could you please take Ikezawa out of the classroom? I'll keep everyone settled, so please don't worry about anything but her, okay?"
I feel them take my arms and pick me up, though my legs are just barely strong enough to walk, in a fashion. Whatever control I still have over my feelings are spent on Mutou-sensei for his help, for keeping Misha away as I'm taken somewhere else.
It doesn't matter though.
Nothing else matters. When I start to gain some semblance of life again I find myself in the corridor with Hisao and Shizune. I say nothing. Nothing matters now.
"Are you okay with me taking you to the Nurse's office?" Shizune is gone. I'm dimly aware of that, at least. I stay quiet but stand and follow Hisao as he walks. We reach the office without incident. The corridors are empty and I can barely say a word. The moment we get there, I'm shown to a bed. My eyes stay open as I fail to sleep.