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I can't sleep. There is a restlessness that has taken hold of my very soul and sleep may never touch me again. The life that I am protectively watching over; so precious, so fragile, is peacefully slumbering in blissfully ignorance of my vigil. I am watching Gail sleep as if my wakefulness could shield her from all harm. She looks almost angelic with the moonlight falling on her like this. She went back to work on Monday after being cleared for partial duty until next week by the department neurologist. I know she hates riding the desk but I, for one, am grateful for this tiny reprieve. It has been one hell of a year and I don't know what to do. God I love her! I know I could never leave her, even if I wanted to, even if I tried, but thinking she was dead nearly killed me. And now I can't sleep.
Gail grumbles and rolls over onto her stomach, hand reaching out, searching until it comes in contact with my leg. She wraps her arm around my thigh, and buries her face in my hip.
"Hey." She says sleepily rubbing her face into my skin, "You ok?"
She rolls onto her side, ghosting her hand out across my stomach. The moonlight bleaches her blonde hair white, it stands out from her head in a fringe of short messy spikes. Her eyes glitter darkly. Our room is dark and quiet, except for the nearly full moon shining through our window.
"Yeah, I just can't seem to fall asleep, that's all." I sigh, "I didn't want to wake you up though."
She leans over to kiss the side of my stomach with warm, soft lips.
"Mmm… come here. You're too far away." She complains softly.
I scoot down under the covers and into her arms.
"Better?" I ask.
"I don't know Holly, you're still awfully far away." She nuzzles my neck sleepily.
I shift closer, laughing softly, "Ok Gail." I kiss her gently, "Is that better?"
"Maybe." She leans in and kisses me back, "But you can't sleep, and you won't talk to me."
"Hey, wait," I grumble, "aren't you the one who is always trying to tell me I talk too much?"
Letting her fingers trace mindless, comforting patterns on my skin, she strokes my back lightly, and waits. I sigh. I know I'm going to have to discuss this with her at some point, but I'm not ready. And really, what is there to say? Gosh Gail, I know you can't stop being a cop, but I don't know how much more of this I can take? And honestly, I could never ask her to give up what is so much a part of her identity.
"Come on Holly, I've never said this to anyone before, but I need you. I love you and I'm afraid of losing you. So please, please say something!" She admits in a hushed tone.
Wow! She took the words right out of my mouth! I can feel her trembling in my arms. I know I need to tell her something. It's times like this, in the middle of the night, when the rest of the world falls away and we can just be, that I live for. When Gail opens up like this, it always takes me by surprise and levels my world. I realize that I am shaking too. We tell each other stuff, so I gather my courage and try to begin.
"I need you too." I whisper hoarsely, hardly believing I am able to utter those words, "And I can't bear the thought of ever losing you. Not now. Not ever again."
The words fall thickly now as I feel the pressure growing in my chest and behind my eyes. Rolling onto my back, I sigh. She follows, climbing on top of me now, holding my face in her hands.
"You have me." She says softly, "Tell me what you need. Holly… I would do anything for you. Anything."
And I know that she means it, but I can't. So I pull her in to kiss her with purposeful intent that leaves us both breathless.
"I know one thing you could do for me…" I whisper in her ear before leaning over to bite her on the earlobe.
She gasps, and chuckles, but pushes slightly away from me.
"Come on Holly! I'm serious!" She insists.
"Mmm… me too…" I lean in to leave a trail of soft kisses down her neck and across her shoulder. She groans softly holding me tighter as I circle the uneven lump on her clavicle with my tongue and trace the line of her shoulder with the tip of my tongue back to her suprasternal notch.
"Holly…" She sighs, rolling off of me to sit up and pull her knees up under her chin.
I sit up too. Her hands move, stroking lightly up and over my knee, and back. The light friction of her palms and fingertips on my skin goes straight to my head, making me suddenly drunk and dizzy.
"Listen," She says finally, "We both have quite a bit of vacation time and comp days coming to us that we never use. When we get back from Paris, why don't we try to schedule some time off alone on a regular basis."
"Like what?" I ask.
"You know, like taking a few days every so often to just be together, to get us back on track. Look, I know things have been crazy, and I can't even imagine what you went through last week, but I want to spend my life being happy with you. No matter what happens, I don't ever want to leave you wondering what if, you know?" She sighs.
Her hands momentarily stop their dance. I close my eyes and lean in closer to her warmth. I let my head fall to the side and come to rest on her shoulder.
"Gail, I…" I start, but I find there are no words. "I would love that…" I finally manage.
"I just want you to be ok! And I know you're not sleeping." She nudges me with her knee. "What's up with that?"
I turn, burying my face into the crook of her neck. Sliding my hand over her chest I find her heart beat. It steadies me. I breathe her in. All of the sweetness of her skin and her hair calms me. Even though my logical mind tells me it's just pheromones, I allow it to comfort me just the same.
"I don't know what you're talking about…" I murmur into her skin.
"Come on Holly!" She nudges me with her knee a little bit harder this time, "I know how exhausted you are. I mean, shit! You didn't even go for your morning run yesterday."
Damn her! I know I can never get anything past her sharp eyes, and I am such a terrible liar.
"Ok fine!" I pout, "You caught me."
"You could talk to the department shrink you know…" She ventures
"You hate that woman!" I try to deflect.
"Yeah, but you know Holly, you gotta talk to somebody." She says softly, "And it's not like you would be the first partner of a police officer from our division to make an appointment or two with her."
I know she's right, but I don't want to go. Great. Now I'm beginning to sound like her. The thought of which makes me smile ironically.
"I'll take that into consideration." I tell her.
"No, " She insists. "You will make an appointment with her in the morning."
I sigh and shake my head.
"If our places were reversed," she continues, "There is no way you would let me get away with blowing this off."
I kind of hate her right now.
"Ok, ok…" I finally grumble.
She crooks her finger under my chin to turn my face towards hers. Her first kiss is gentle, soft, almost soothing, until she begins to move against me. I open my mouth, letting her in as our kiss becomes more insistent, wanting. I suddenly need to feel her all over me, so I lean back into our pillows pulling her with me as I go. She leans her forehead against mine and whispers "Now about that thing you wanted me to do for you.."
I try to laugh, but it comes out as a whimper. I kiss her with a desperate longing and pull her body flush to mine. Rolling her over, I pin her against our bed, our bodies rub together slick with sweat and tears, and desire. I need to feel her deep inside of me as I devour her whole, until there is nothing left but smoldering, burning, aching love. There is nothing without her, and I can't go back, not even if I wanted to, not now, not ever.