Act 4 – Chapter One, Second Branch: Knight to D4
My tears stain the pillow, my gown is damp from crying. I thought today would be better, but in some ways it's only ended up worse. To finally find someone who I can trust, who I can be honest with, only for my emotions to get in the way before I can truly give him that honesty. I didn't have the nightmares but even now I can't bring myself to stop the flow of liquid dripping down my face. I enjoyed my time with Hisao so much yesterday, I thought that maybe I could finally move forward, finally start to put my past behind me.
I was naive to think it would be so easy.
As I weep, alone in an empty bed, I hear a knock on the door. I know exactly who it is, I can't avoid it. I don't want him to see me like this! Not after the happy times we shared together yesterday, and all those times before. I can't bear to let him see me in this state. I try desperately to stop the flow as the knocking continues, louder this time. " Hanako, it's just me. Mutou said to give you some stuff."
I can't ignore him. As much as may want to, I just can't do it. He's been so good to me recently, and if I'm going to trust him then I know he'll have to see me in this way before we can make any further progress. Even so, I wipe the last of the tears from my face, the sleeves of my pink gown becoming ever so slightly more wet, and make my way towards the door. I walk slowly, reluctantly, hoping in the back of my mind that when I finally open the door he'll have already left. My eyes are fixed on the floor, expecting to see a set of papers pushed underneath. No such luck.
I reach the door and fiddle with the handle. As I open it I make sure to only let a crack of light shine through, as if to say I don't want Hisao here right now. As ever, he doesn't take the hint, though I guess I should be used to that by now. It's one of the things I like about him so much, and at the same time, one of the most infuriating.
"Hi, Hanako. Mutou wanted me to give you these since you weren't in class today." He holds out a stack of papers, assignments which I take in hand. My arm drops to my side and I try to avoid meeting his eye. I don't want him to notice the red marks where I've been rubbing my own, or how tired I really am. I just hope that he leaves without question, but in my heart I know he'll stay, if only to make sure I'm alright. "Are you... okay? If you're feeling sick or anything, I could go get a nurse."
I'm grateful, and I finally turn my eyes towards his, though only for a second. I'd be better off on my own, but the gesture is welcome. "I'm fine," I reply. We wait in silence for a moment. I'm able to look at him properly now, and as I do I notice his eyes point downwards, towards my sleeves and the cuffs of my gown. He can see the stains, and he looks up at my face as I turn away again. What must he be thinking?
"I see." He gives me no clues with his reply. Another pause, then he speaks again, and his reason for lingering becomes clear. "Would you like me to stay? I don't have anything urgent to do at the moment, so it wouldn't be any trouble."
I look away again, at the wall opposite, and downwards. I should have known Hisao would try to stay, to be here with me, and at any other time I would have said yes. I did say yes, when we went to the city, and it was wonderful. But this is a time for me to be alone, and I can't drag him into my own misery. It wouldn't be fair, nor right. "Hanako?" he presses me to reply. I respond with a shake of my head, albeit with mild regret.
"Okay," he says. "Um... good night, then." He waits, and I close the door without another word. I feel bad to send him away so abruptly, but it's for the best. In any case, I'm glad. He took it better than I thought he would, and I can hope now that we have some kind of understanding. At the same time, I hope I don't see him again for the next couple of days. I can't trust myself to not send him away again. No matter how much I may want to see him.
I can't keep on like this! I keep contradicting myself at every turn, speaking in paradoxes and wishing for the joy of love, of friendship, yet pushing it away every time. It's hard, and as I fall asleep I know I'll not rest tonight, fearing the nightmares that always plague me. It's worse at this time of year. No, I don't want him there tomorrow. Yet if he does come, I won't fight it. I won't fight him. At least as friends we can be together, although we may never push forward and progress our relationship if he does. If he can give me the space I need then maybe, just maybe, what I want will finally occur. If not, then we'll just have to settle for less. When I have the strength I'll return to class, and return to him, but until then... we'll just have to see...