Act 4 – Chapter Two, Second Branch: Flying Too Close To The Sun

Today is no worse than any other. I'm shocked in a way, though I can barely register it. Maybe the past few days had some kind of calming influence, after all. My tears from yesterday have not returned, but that could be because I've had so little to drink so far. I haven't left the room, whatever food was hidden away becoming my only sustenance. In truth, I'm more exhausted than anything. I've tried to sleep, but in a strange paradox I found myself unable to rest. My body is fighting itself to nod off, but my mind is telling me to stay awake, and I have to go with what my mind tells me.

I've decided that if Hisao comes today, I won't fight him. I'll admit, I'd rather he stay away, just so that I can avoid him seeing me at my worst, which I realise is a rather selfish way to look at things. I don't care. If I can put it off for just a short while, another year perhaps, then it would be worth it. But if he does try to visit, then I'll allow it, and in a way I could do with the company. At least I know that I have friends, however much I try to push them away. It's hard, and maybe I don't deserve them. Or maybe I do, and maybe I'm being too hard on myself. It's difficult to get out of that mentality even now. I've gone so long feeling worthless that times like these, finally moving forward, become surreal moments where I'm no longer sure of how to progress. My routine has always been to close myself away, and Hisao has ripped that apart without me even realising. He's pushed his way into my life and now I don't know what I would do without him.

I haven't spoken to Miss Yumi for a while. We've touched on matters in our therapy sessions, but I feel as if I have to do this myself. Our meetings have taken a break now while I get through my... (I know I can do this...) my birthday. Any other therapist would say this is an ideal time to talk through my problems, to try and make some motion forwards, but Miss Yumi knows me well enough that she suggested the pause. The last time a therapist tried to hold a meeting with me at this time of the year, I regressed back to six months before, and all the progress we'd made in that time was lost.

Maybe I'm a lost cause. Maybe I'll never get better. But for now at least, I can finally allow myself to think differently. To think that I may be worth something after all, and that my own dreams and wishes are valued in some small way.

I consider sending an email to Lilly, but again I can't bring myself to do it. I certainly can't imagine phoning her. I don't know what the time is in Scotland, and I doubt I could afford the charge for an international call anyway. In any case, being able to allow Hisao here, however tentatively it may be, is a far cry from picking up the phone and taking the initiative. I could go to class but again I don't feel up to it. The questions, the stares, and everything that would come with such a bold move... again, I know I'd do nothing but regress once more. Being able to face just one person would be an achievement, as far as I'm concerned. If it has to be anyone, I'd want it to be Hisao.

I realise I'm talking in circles again. My mind is confused and my thoughts are going nowhere, on the one hand hoping Hisao comes and visits me and on the other wishing that he would stay away. I have to make my mind up for once!

No. I don't want him here. That's the final word. If he does come I'll be grateful, I'll welcome him, and I'll appreciate the gesture, but I'll know then that we can never be together. Not in the way I want. I need space to grieve, to mourn, and to wallow in my self-misery, if only as penance. If he doesn't come, then I can approach him tomorrow, when I have the strength, with hope in my heart and see how he reacts. To finally be certain if he does care, and simply wishes to give me the space I need, or if he had no intention of being here at all for me. Those are my options. As I consider them, and wonder how the day will turn out, I rest my head on the pillow and try to get some sleep, however minimal it may be.

I'm awakened by a knock on the door. I don't know how long it's been since I finally dozed off, but I know who it is. He came after all.

"Evening, Hanako. It's just me." I wait to see if he'll leave, but he stays put as I hear his voice once more through the door. "I... I have some food for the both of us. Could I come in?"

I consider refusing, but the offer he's made is too tempting to resist. It's nice of him. I really do appreciate it, but in a way I'm disappointed. I didn't want him to come.

He waits, and I admire the patience. I halfway expected him to keep knocking, to plead to come in, no matter how long I wait myself. Instead, he's calm and gives me time to get out of bed, slip my gown on, and walk barefoot across the room to unlock the door.

As I open it, Hisao looks into my eyes, not exactly staring but with a subtle hint of relief and joy that I've decided to let him in. I glance at the package in his left hand, then across to see the same on the right. I retreat, leaving the door open as a beckons for him to follow. I still hope he doesn't, but I promised myself I wouldn't argue or fight. Nevertheless, he enters, just as I predicted.

He closes the door behind him and paces across to the desk, putting down both plates, a quick-fix curry dish and fork upon each. "Um... it's just an instant meal," he says as he turns towards me, "but it should be filling." I must confess that I am feeling rather hungry, and however much I might not want him here the gesture is the best thing he could have done for me, short of staying away. I don't say anything, but nod graciously as he hands me a plate. I sit on the bed, he in the chair by my desk, and we eat in silence.

It's hardly the best taste, I could have cooked better had I been in the mood, but I don't say anything to him. The thought is what counts, and at least it's edible. It's almost like a regular lunchtime, and I start to think more of the happy times we've had together.

"It's kind of nice, eating together like this," says Hisao. He clearly shares my own sentiments. As I look at him, partway puzzled at the suddenness of his comment, partway agreeing with what he thinks, he continues. "We became friends mainly over sharing lunch breaks, so it's nice to go back to those times a bit."

We pause for a few seconds as I consider his words. I notice a frown forming on his face, ever so gently, and quickly smile and nod. It's mostly to show my feelings, but also slightly to alleviate his own concerns at my lack of response.

A thought hits me, and I begin to worry. What else does he expect? I don't know if Hisao wants more than this, as I do, or if his own feelings towards me are changing, or if he's spoken to Lilly, or whatever else may be happening, that I've not seen in my closed off state. I want him, I truly do, but I also know that as long as we continue like this we can never be together, at least not as anything more than we already share. He needs to realise that, but I can't tell him. I can't bring myself to do it, I don't have the strength nor the self-belief to do so. I settle for asking him a question, a chance for me to understand how things can be for us.

"Everything's... the same as before, isn't it?" Whatever his answer, I have to accept it.

"Y-yeah," he says. "Of course it is." The stammer at the start makes Hisao seem uncertain, something I understand as well as I know that my own stammer has been steadily vanishing ever since I first met him. He continues in a more firm voice, as if to dispel any thoughts of doubt from my mind, and just as importantly, his own. "You've still got Lilly and me to help you and protect you, and once she gets back, everything will be just like she never left."

I nod at this. It's just as I feared. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to change. I want to be with him, to hold his hand and embrace him and kiss him and to show myself to him, body and soul. The thoughts race in my mind but all I can focus on is the Hisao sitting across from me with a plateful of rice and curry.

My heart is broken, but in losing a potential lover I realise I've at least gained a true friend. I can't ignore that. As much as I want things to be different, I have to accept this and be content. Maybe they'll understand what I want, eventually, but until then, if things must stay as they were, then so be it.

We conclude our meal and sit awkwardly for a few more moments, each wondering what to say. For once I have to make the first step. Before he speaks I raise my voice. "I... I was wondering... since y-you're here..." I break off, and move across to a drawer where I pull out a slightly dusty board, folded with playing pieces hidden inside. "W-would you... like to play...?"

His response startles me a little, a clear sigh of relief. He switches seats from the chair to the bed as I set the game up, white and black pieces in neat ordered rows as always. I smile and take my position with the black side close to me, Hisao playing as white.

He makes his move and I reciprocate. As the game begins in earnest, we make the same plays we always do. The same openings, the same offense and defense, the same captures. We regress into our familiar styles of battle. I can't help but worry now that no matter what we say or do, this is always going to be how we stay. A stark vision of the future. It's not all bad, but I wanted more.

I wanted more...