Act 4 – Chapter Four, Third Branch: So Here We Are

Hisao and I haven't seen much of each other recently. Not that it's a bad thing – we need some time apart, given what's fast approaching. I don't usually have much chance to study when in my melancholy, and now I have the time I should grasp it with both hands. That being said, I'd rather study alone, in my room. Too many students descend upon the library around the exam period, and my comforting eyrie can all too easily succumb to the usual stares and thinly veiled comments that have plagued my years here. Besides, I'm used to the solitude.

I can't deny, though, that I miss his presence. Lilly being away is still amplifying my loneliness and Hisao was like a breath of fresh air when I understood that he really did care for my well-being, not just as a means to achieving his own self satisfaction as I so feared. I've dared to do what I thought would be beyond me – leaving my door unlocked, slightly ajar even. An open invite if Hisao decides to drop by.

A few minutes pass as I lie on my bed, reading through books and borrowed notes. A few hours go by as I sit at my desk, writing out passages and memorising formulae and figures. A couple of days are endured as I close my eyes and whisper to myself, testing my knowledge of my last class. And all the while, my door is unlocked, open, until I finally hear footsteps making their way slowly down the corridor outside...

A very light knocking at the timber is enough to confirm that the owner of those feet is here to see me. Only Hisao would be so gentle; the only other candidates would have pushed their way in with a loud "WAHAHA!" and no thought to the sanctity of my peace and quiet. I say nothing, but glance out of the window and wait for him to enter, all thoughts of revision gone. My book lies open and ignored on the desk in front of me.

I wonder how I look to him? How does he see me right now...?

"Good evening, Hanako." I turn my head slightly, if only to acknowledge his presence, and maintain my calm and peaceful demeanour. He walks to the desk and puts a hand on the surface, tilting his head down as if to get a better view of my own face. "What's up?"

I gasp, uncertain of his thoughts as to why I do so, but for me more out of surprise at how close he is. I could almost reach out to touch his hand, a gentle brush, skin on skin... I hold back. Baby steps, though steps nonetheless, are small by their nature. So small, and yet, so many.

My mouth hangs open a little, and I feel the heat rushing to my face as my cheeks turn scarlet. I turn more, though only a little, so I can see him clearly. I look into his eyes, his light brown eyes, and I hold my gaze. He stares at me too, but it's somehow different to every other occasion. It's not the same as the stares I get when I walk in town, or when surrounded by my colleagues in the school premises. He isn't looking at me, he's looking into me.

"Hanako...?" I try to speak, in response to his quizzical comment, but the words refuse to escape my lips. I'm not even sure what I want to say, just that I want to say it, whatever it is. I want him to know every detail of my heart, how he makes me feel, how he lifted me from the dark when no-one else could, but although the words exist within me they reject any attempt to leave. I can make an attempt, though. Strength can come from many places, and the best strength comes from subtlety.

"Hi... sao..." I force the sound out, but as I do so I realise I'm not the only one blushing. Indeed, my face feels a little less red, and I can guess my own embarrassment has faded away. Hisao, on the other hand, is starting to glow. He quickly looks away, covering his face, and out of instinct I do the same. Perhaps some things will never change.

Silence falls. We both wait for the other to make a move, and once I'd have stubbornly waited all day. I attempt to steel myself to bridge the gap, to prove to myself as much as to Hisao that I can for once take the initiative. Before my chance arrives, however...

"Hanako... I want to show you something." My eyes flash in surprise, wondering what he wants to show me, as I see him breathe in deeply. "I'm not going to strip naked or anything weird, I'm just going to take off my shirt."

What? What a way to properly begin a conversation! Although I sense my heart beginning to beat faster, my pulse racing and eyes widening, mouth dropping slightly, my face regaining its former crimson hue... I find myself doing exactly what I hate the most, staring at Hisao as he unknots his tie and loosens his buttons, starting at the top and slowly working his way down. I try to keep myself from breathing too loudly, never quite certain if I'm succeeding or just making myself look like a lustful fool. Finally, he removes the last button and breathes in again, looking at me with an expression as if he's seeking my approval for something.

My gaze is drawn from his face down to his chest, and I can see through the gap in the fabric a thin red line running along the middle. A single brief flicker of my eyes, upwards, and as I meet his own he nods just once. An understanding is formed between us, one where we have no need to speak, for we can see and feel everything of importance in this small room, alone together. I can feel a stirring of sorts, in a place too private to discuss, and am reminded of that simple truth that I am, always, a woman. I gently touch his scar with a single finger, then two, then more until my palm is lightly caressing the raw tissue. It takes me a second to realise which hand I've used. Out of nothing more than pure instinct, I've touched Hisao's scar with my own ruined hand, once set ablaze by something much more damaging and now alight with the glowing embers of emotion. Even so, my hand is steady. Not a single tremor to break the moment.

"This is..." I'm almost scared to speak any more, for fear of spoiling the moment. Hisao takes the reins to complete my tentative query.

"The scar from the surgery that followed my heart attack. The surgeons had to cut open my chest to operate on my heart."

"I never knew..." It's bigger than I expected. Instead of being a tiny little line of almost healed scar tissue, the scar runs a jagged line from the top of his chest right down to the middle, unbroken as it goes. I trace the line along its whole length, making sure to use only the lightest touch to avoid causing him any pain.

"You're the first person to see this since I left the hospital."

My first thought belies my spiteful side, however small that may be, as I'm pleased that Iwanako hasn't seen what I have seen, nor felt what I have felt. I swiftly push this to one side though, and focus on the here and now. "But... why are you showing this to me?"

"I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this; that I could accept my past and move on. I wanted to show that to you, as well." I nod at his words. I can understand, it's what I want to do more than anything in the world. It's just so hard, even now. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. This gesture, though...

I still feel the warmth that lingers below, and find myself torn between love and lust, the sensual undertone to everything taking place. My gaze remains but becomes unfocused, my mind dwelling on other matters, of both the heart and of the imagination. I have no idea how long we remain like this, what could be seconds seem like minutes and minutes turn into hours. Neither of us make any kind of move. Until, suddenly, it's all over, as I remove my hand and look away, my face returning to its previous ruby complexion. Hisao starts to button up his shirt again and I worry that maybe I've portrayed myself as nothing more than a desperate, lonely girl with a perverted mind and lack of self control.

It's almost as if he can sense my concerns, as he flashes me a brief smile whilst putting on his tie. "So... I guess you're not the only one that's scarred."

My fears resolved a little, the tension in the air dissipating, I let a smile of my own show. I almost want to laugh a little too, but find it to be too much to manage. The smile will do just fine. "Thank you... H-Hisao. I think... I understand." We wait another moment but the silence this time feels less forced, less awkward. I still think it's getting late though, a suspicion confirmed upon a quick sighting of my watch. "Hisao... um..."

Thankfully, he saw where I was looking and takes the hint. "Yeah, I'd better be going. I'll be thankful for some sleep. It's been a long day, after all." He stifles a yawn and I realise I'm almost as tired myself. "Good night, Hanako."

"G-good night." When he leaves, he closes the door behind him, a stark contrast to how it was when he arrived. I don't lock it, though. After all, I am a woman, no longer a girl, and with that comes all the urges and desires that a woman has. I elect to take a short trip to the bathroom before bed, and let my imagination carry me away...