Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, or any related characters.

Alright, guys, so as it says in the description, this is an MPREG fic. If you're not for that, I suggest you turn around.

It never ceased to amaze Edward how stupid some people were. And with alchemy, too! How could you be able to learn such a difficult skill and not have any common sense?

Sure, some people used it for evil, but at least, in some twisted way, their plans were logical…this woman had to be insane.

The assignment flashed through his head once more as he counted down on his fingers the seconds until he and Al would bust the door in.

Five.

Maria Abercom, aged forty, mother of seven children.

Four.

As far as sources can tell, angry because her husband doesn't appreciate the difficultly of childbirth.

Three.

Despite alchemy only being a hobby, has trapped her husband inside a warehouse with the goal of…

Two.

...turning him into a woman so he can go through the same pain.

One.

Edward clapped his hands, transmuting the door away. With practiced speed, he took in the situation. In the back of his mind, he registered surprise; he hadn't thought the report of a crazy wife was, well, serious. But here it was, everything as he had been told.

Maria was standing beside a massive transmutation circle, covering almost the entire empty section of the warehouse. Her head whipped up as he entered, scowl deepening. At her feet the man Ed presumed to be her husband was tied up in the center of the circle.

They were just in time.

Without wasting a heartbeat, Edward ran towards the woman, Al just behind him. She spun around, leaving her husband in the circle, and ran into the maze of crates.

"We'll come back for you later!" Alphonse shouted towards the husband. Funny, Ed always forgot to reassure the victims, far too preoccupied with the chase…

There! The woman had jumped up, and was now running along the precariously balanced crates filling the rest of the warehouse.

Well, two could play at that game.

A swift clap, and Edward had transmuted the floor, pushing himself up into the air, landing with what he would like to call grace atop a particularly tall stack.

He was just behind her, but this lady was fast. She jumped aside just as he clapped again, destroying the crate that had just been beneath her—uh oh.

Ed fell straight onto Alphonse. Maria spared a moment to smile at him with superiority before taking off, back towards her husband.

Cursing, Edward pulled himself up, running on the ground once more. That was no good, he couldn't keep her in his vision—again, he clapped, rose, and landed on the crates behind her. He put on speed, glad he had the balance necessary to stay on the crates as they began to shake with the pressure of his footfalls as he ran.

So—close—

Maria jumped down, and Ed careened after her. He fell to the ground, rolling into a neat stop to avoid injury…right inside the transmutation circle.

In that one, terrifying instant before it began to glow, Edward spotted the woman crouching, hands on the circle, just a few feet from him.

Blue light flared up, obscuring his vision, but that was nowhere near as distracting as the pain. It was a lurching, bubbling feeling in his lower abdomen, like he was melting. Ed heard a muffled scream next to him, realized the husband was still in the circle. He somehow managed to think that he'd really botched this assignment—

And then the light was gone, the pain vanished along with it.

Edward gasped in relief, before his heart skipped a beat as he realized what this circle was supposed to do…

With a squeal, Ed reached down, not particularly caring that Maria was laughing as she watched him. Hand trembling (since when could automail tremble?), he grabbed his crotch—

Edward sighed gratefully at what he felt there. Yeah, still male.

Then it was his turn to laugh. Maybe it was childish, but he couldn't help it. "Take that, bitch!" he cackled, giving the woman before him a middle finger. He heard Al verbally roll his eyes behind him, marching over to restrain Maria. "It didn't even work!"

As Ed's laughter peetered out, he glanced at the lady. She was still grinning, despite her transmutation being a failure, despite being in custody…what a nut.

"That's what you think," she whispered.

If Edward hadn't had that one shred of modesty—and as it was, that was fairly small—he would have whipped out his dick to prove her wrong. To be honest, he thought about it, but a glare from Al stopped him.

Ed was almost asleep when someone knocked on his door.

"What the fuck?" he groaned, rolling over. "Who's here so late?"

On the bed below him, he heard Al moan as well before creaking springs announced his rising. Oh, the perks of sleeping on the top bunk.

Alphonse opened the door, and… "It's the Colonel, Brother."

Edward literally rolled off the bed—he had transmuted the safety rail off a month ago, claiming he wasn't going to fall—crashing to the floor. "The hell are you doing here, Mustang? Even you should be asleep right now," he grumbled after getting his breath back.

Although, if Ed was honest with himself, he was kind of glad it was Roy. A few months back, he'd started to develop quite the little crush on his superior, loathe as he was to admit it at first. Now…well, there were definitely worse people to visit him in the middle of the night.

Still, he had to keep up the act. He'd die if Roy found out how he felt…

"I need a report on today, Fullmetal."

Okay, slight obsession aside, Edward was not in the mood to hear that. "You can't wait until, I dunno, tomorrow?" he groaned, deciding to gather up the energy and get off the floor.

The man before him scowled. "Obviously not, why else would I bother coming here?"

"To piss me off?" Edward brushed off his back—that had been a long fall.

"Guys," Alphonse said weakly. Both Ed and Roy ignored him.

"It's not like I want to be here, Fullmetal—"

Ouch. "Oh, I'm so sorry seeing me is such a pain in your ass—"

Roy raised his voice to match Edward's volume. "Well, yeah, when you act like this—"

Ed didn't even think about it; really, he needed to work on his temper, but that was just a little offensive. He clapped, sent a fist of rock at Roy's face, and the man snapped in defense—

The resulting explosion blinded Edward. He heard Alphonse cry out, Roy curse.

When he opened his eyes, he was flat on his back for the second time in as many minutes, scorch marks on his chest and a cuts stinging on his cheek and arm.

Their barrack was rather conspicuously missing, though Edward had a hunch that was where the ashes raining down on his head were coming from.

He allowed his head to fall back, not really wanting to see what Roy had to say about that.

There went his good night's sleep.

Meh, kind of a setting up chapter. The next one will be exciting *snicker* You'll get the joke once I update...

In any case, from here on out the story's going to be better, but I hate it when mpreg doesn't have a reason behind it, so this was a reason chapter.

Yes.

In any case, let me know what you think~