Some good questions from the reviews, so I'll take a crack at them.
This is a very funny story, but I have a question: how did Mrs. Bennet react because her daughter refused six contenders?
To be honest, I never really thought about it. I thought of the story and wrote it all one morning, and didn't work through all the details. Now that you ask, and the story has taken on a life of its own, guess I'll have to figure it out. I think there are two answers. First, Mrs. Bennet only knew about Mr. Collins, which follows canon. She may or may not have known about Wickham, and she may or may not have freaked out about him. If she did know about him, you could presume she would freak out, mostly the opposite of what she did for Lydia I canon, so whether she knew or didn't know, you will have to wait to learn, because I have to figure it out first. There is also some funny arithmetic about the seven that Darcy is going to ask to clarify sooner or later, so you haven't heard the last of the seven; although when I wrote it, I had no intention of even making sure the whole story was logically consistent.
As far as Wickham was concerned, it was quite surprising? How do you explain that? Unless he had guessed Mr. Darcy's interest in Elizabeth.
No explanation. I just needed someone to make the best proposal, and he fit the bill. Didn't give it any more thought. The whole timeline for the seven is suspect. In my first draft, it was seven since the Netherfield Ball, but I removed that phrase because I wanted some room to maneuver.
Has she changed her mind about him?
Yes, he explained that during the proposal, but she hasn't really had time to process it yet. Don't fear, I doubt you've heard the last of Mr. Wickham.
And it would seem that she no longer has very good opinion of Mr. Bingley, in which she would be right. A man who lets himself manipulate like a puppet is not worth much. Jane deserves better than he, it's obvious.
Yeah, I can hardly resist dumping on the hapless Mr. Bingley. I do it in all my stories so far, so maybe some day I'll have to figure out a way to make him less of a whining pup, but haven't figured out how to do that just yet. I haven't even figured out if I'm going to let Jane accept him yet. You'll know about as soon as I know.
It is to be expected that Wickham will react by learning Darcy's engagement to the one who refused it. But he could try to attack one of the younger sisters and Lydia is the ideal prey. Hopefully Darcy will get rid of him before the announcement becomes official.
Not done with either Wickham or Lydia, so stay tuned.
I'm enjoying Lizzy and Darcy's engagement. But, where is Mr. Collins, he must make an appearance and have his share in the conversation.
Fear not, Mr. Collins will be back in Chapter 7 or 8, depending on how the story flows. After all, he must have his share of the conversation.
The addition of Lady Catherine, Mr Collins, and perhaps Anne de Bourgh to this duet will be interesting...
Expect them all, starting in chapter 7; although they both get a shout-out in this chapter, so without further ado…
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Mr. Thomas Bennet
Longbourn, Hertfordshire
Dear Papa,
I well know how you detest correspondence, so I shall be brief. I have some interesting news from Kent, but I believe I may safely defer the office of your enlightenment to my mother, to whom I have also written. Feel free to take a glass of port and remain comfortably in your library, as you will be perfectly able to hear the news from there. I dare say you should be able to hear it nearly anywhere short of Netherfield or Oakham Mount. Enjoy your port and solitude.
Your Loving Daughter,
Elizabeth Bennet
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Mrs. Fanny Bennet
Longbourn, Hertfordshire
Dear Mama,
All is well here in Kent. We have dined at Rosings nine times, and Lady Catherine has shown us all of the condescension of elevated rank that my cousin alluded to. See his letter of 15 October for more detail. As promised, Rosings is a very grand estate that you would like very much. In fact, I would suggest you attend Lady Catherine for a visit, as I am sure she would be quite happy to advise you, as she is a very attentive neighbor and she has given Charlotte much advice on all and sundry topics. As promised Rosings is by no means deficient in windows, fireplaces or chimneys. Lady Catherine graciously suggested shelves in the closet of my bedchamber, which works as well as you might expect. She has also been instrumental in the creation of a staircase in the parsonage ideally suited to a clergyman of our cousin's rank; being neither too shallow nor too steep. In fact, Sir William said, "It's as fine a staircase as I've ever seen, sir." Lady Catherine is quite happy to make numerous suggestions regarding Mr. Collin's garden, which have been extremely helpful; as well as many instructions on how Charlotte may run her household. Charlotte has twelve chickens, eight of which are excellent layers so her supply of eggs is sufficient for her needs. She also has five new chicks to add to the flock, and the local pond has six ducks, three geese and dozens of frogs in residence. I am leaving in two hours time to Scotland, and will be married to Mr. Darcy over the anvil on Tuesday next. Charlotte has quite a feisty pig who likes to get into the garden. I believe he is a Berkshire, but now that I think of it, I'm not even certain whether he is a boar or sow, so I must ask Charlotte. Mr. Collins has two apple trees, one pear and two peach. I believe the apple and pear trees will be ready slightly sooner than in Hertfordshire, due to the warmer climate. The woods here in Rosings are quite lovely though the formal gardens are a touch artificial for my tastes. They even have a folly… Quite why, no one knows, but there you have it… a folly. I went there to read on Tuesday last. I enjoyed Shakespeare's sonnets IV through XIV. Mariah has been quite shy and silent in company. Sir William was similarly grave, although he was lively enough around our cousin. I met a Colonel Fitzwilliam, in the regulars who wears a quite dashing red coat. Lady Catherine has a barouche-box carriage, which is quite ostentatious. She has a rather sickly daughter named Anne who gets around in a phaeton and ponies. The pony is white, with a black band on its forehead and white socks. I've never actually talked to Miss De Bourgh but she seems nice enough, which is convenient, as she and the colonel will stand up with us in Scotland. My cousin's sermon last week covered the duties of the lower ranks toward the upper in some detail. Lady Catherine approved of it personally. I have recommended to him that he actually read the Bible but he scoffed at the suggestion. My engagement and wedding rings have diamonds and rubies, and belonged to Mr. Darcy's mother. I broke a vase in Charlotte's parlor, but it was quite hideous so she is not concerned. Mariah will return on Friday next as planned. Charlotte is preparing tea and I have other letters to write, so I will close now.
Your Devoted Daughter
Elizabeth Bennet (for the moment)
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Miss Jane Bennet
34 Gracechurch Street, Cheapside
Dear Jane,
I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I'll just take my on chance to say that before admitting how wrong I was in other matters. Mr. Bingley loves you! He always has; but was convinced you did not share his affections by his pernicious sisters and Mr. Darcy. I am not that all that impressed with his steadfastness, but that defect could be corrected by the right wife. It turns out Charlotte was also right, as you did not show him enough affection for him to overcome his uncertainty. Soooo… my dear sister, when you are in company with him, Tell Him! or better yet Show Him! (or both). Also being unimpressed with the conduct of the sisters and Mr. Darcy goes without saying, but we may deal with them at our leisure. My one it's okay
Being somewhat presumptuous, I have taken the liberty of telling Mr. Bingley to call on you at his earliest convenience. I expect him to arrive within the hour, so compose yourself accordingly. If you should wish him back, I suggest between an hour and a week of groveling should suffice. If not, let the poor man out of his misery once and for all.
Your Loving Sister
Elizabeth Bennet
P.S. If you find you wish to be wed quickly with a minimum of fuss, take yourself to Gretna Green, and you can get married over the anvil, no-muss no-fuss. Should you elect to do that, you should be able to arrive there by Thursday or Friday next. If that is your desire, I'll be happy to stand up with you as your matron of honor. Note the key word "matron". It is appropriate because I am dealing with Mr. Darcy's officious interference by traveling with him to Scotland. By Tuesday, next we will be married, so I will be able to perform the office adequately.
P.P.S. If you should decide to take up brandy, moderation is recommended.
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Miss Lydia Bennett
Longbourn, Hertfordshire
Dear Lydia,
I am writing to you because you are the only sister who is to be trusted, and I have news of such great import that I must share it with somebody. Please, swear on all that you hold dear that you will take the secret to your grave with you. Under no conditions should these things be revealed to anybody in Meryton, and more specifically it should not be revealed to our mother or Mrs. Phillips.
I happen to learn the story from a very reliable man wearing the Red Coat of his Majesty's regulars. In fact, he's a Colonel, and looks every bit as dashing as he would in your dreams. The Colonel tells us that Mr. Wickham is not to be trusted. Not only that, the story of his infamy is so scandalous that it could not possibly be shared amongst the ordinary population. In fact, I pray you burn this letter as soon as you read it. Better yet, burn it now and read no more, but I must write it to purge my soul of all that I know.
Mr. Wickham was denied the living in Derbyshire, because he practices unnatural rituals. I'm afraid the gentleman who enlightened me was unwilling to give me any salient details of this ritual, save that it involved dressing in women's clothing, and having congress? (I don't actually know what that means) with a goat. This can only be done during the full of the moon. It requires very expensive accoutrements, so its practitioners are continually running up debts with tradesmen, and dallying with unmarried (or even married) women to build up their (the officer told me a word, but I cannot repeat it). They basically suck out part of the soul of their victims, and everyone who has ever been intimate with them becomes completely incoherent and ridiculous. They consume massive amounts of alcohol, because they practice some type of ritual involving a knife and certain parts of their anatomy which is quite painful, and renders them quite incapable of the normal duties that would be expected of a husband. His sect never marries, never fathers children, and most importantly never saves a farthing because every bit of income is spent on their obsession. They chase after ladies mostly to get their money, all of which goes into the ₭₵⅝₥℮ԜԳճ. The rituals are so horrific, the Colonel wept while describing only a small portion of it.
So make no mistake, this is a dangerous man, and you must be absolutely certain, that not a hint of this scandal should escape your lips. No one in Meryton must know of his unnatural habits, as it is almost certainly likely to cause a great scandal for some of the other families in the neighborhood. We have course will be exempt, but you must do your duty and keep the secret to the grave.
Thank you so much for allowing me to unburden myself, and I fully trust in your discretion.
Your trusting sister,
Elizabeth Bennet
P.S. You also should refrain from telling anybody that Mr. Darcy and I are eloping to Gretna Green to be married on Tuesday next.
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Colonel Forster
_Shire Militia, Derbyshire
Colonel Forster
I must congratulate you sir on your singular ability to rehabilitate the hardened criminals of our society. As you probably know, I oversee the transportation of convicts to Australia. One of your officers was duly convicted of fraud, debts, gambling, and unnatural acts unbecoming of an officer. He was on a transport ship to Australia, and was apparently freed and returned to your company by his criminal conspirators. I must assume sir, that you have a sterling discipline, and are willing to take any type of troublemaker into your midst, because you feel that you can handle them. Bravo sir! I realize your chances of success with this endeavor are quite low, but I applaud your spirit, and your willingness to be held responsible for the actions of the reprobates you have saved from their actions. It speaks very well of you, sir, to be of such stern character, and so generous with your personal reputation.
Your servant,
General Maximilian Schmaximilian
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Mr. Charles Bingley
60 Grosvenor Square, London
Dear Mr. Bingley,
Be not alarmed, sir, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing anything that will pain you overly much, or that receipt of said will harm either of our reputations materially. Since I am eloping to Scotland with Mr. Darcy in an hour, my reputation is quite suspect already, and since I will be Mrs. Darcy on Tuesday next, I believe I shall have no need to repine. However, before I leave, I thought I might disabuse you of some misinformation you may have.
There are two material facts you should be aware of. Firstly, Jane Bennet loves you! At least she did before you spinelessly abandoned her. She probably still does, so if you were to call on her at your earliest convenience at 34 Gracechurch Street in Cheapside, and engage in sufficient groveling, you may yet be given the opportunity rebuild your character within the bonds of matrimony. Give yourself over to her care sir. She is what you need to be complete. She has backbone to spare, and will gladly lend you some.
I also recommend you engage more reliable advisors in future at least in matters of the heart. I personally recommend the eldest Bennet sisters. You had the worst three advisors in England.
Now Go. Go. Go.
Your Devoted Friend (and maybe sister)
Elizabeth Bennet
P.S. Why are you reading this postscript? You should be on your horse by now.
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Miss Caroline Bingley
60 Grosvenor Square, London
Dear Miss Bingley,
Ever since your kind treatment of my sister and myself when we visited you in Netherfield, I have striven to repay the favor. Your treatment of both of us was kindness itself. You did not sting in advising us in proper fashions, proper manners and their proper ways to behave within the first societies, and for that service I very much thank you. Since then, I have hoped that I would find a way to repay your kindness, and I believe I now have a way to do so.
I have been made aware that you wish to have closer associations with the first circles of society, and I am more than happy to report that you will very soon be able to do so through the bonds of marriage. I believe you will find this situation entirely or to your satisfaction, and the connection is actually quite close. Your brother is to marry my sister, so you will then have a first-level connection to Jane Bingley. Jane is quite obviously my sister, so that gives you a second-level connection to myself. Naturally since I'll be marrying Mr. Darcy next Tuesday, which will give you a third-level connection directly to the first circles of society. This is practically the same as being a peer, so I congratulate you on your accomplishments. Welcome to the fringes of the first circle.
Your Benevolent Friend
Elizabeth Bennet
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Miss Georgianna Darcy
Darcy House, London
Dear Miss Darcy,
Please pardon my impertinence with writing to you directly, but I have been tasked with writing all of the letters for my upcoming elopement with your brother to Scotland in one hours time, so we do not have time for the normal introductions. Oh drat! Pardon my language. I would cross out that last sentence, but I cannot stand crossed out letters and I don't have time to redo it, what with your brother coming in one hours time so that we can elope to Scotland. Drat! I did it again. Let me just start anew.
Dear Miss Darcy,
Your brother and I are leaving for Gretna Green in one hours time, and we will be married over the anvil next Tuesday. There! That's so much better. If I have time, I will rewrite the letter from the beginning, but otherwise forgive my untidiness.
Forgive my confusion, but you do actually only have one brother, correct? Just in case there is any possible ambiguity, I am actually marrying your brother Baby Bear...er... Fitzwilliam. He has informed me of the appalling deficiency of your upbringing, more specifically your lack of adequate sisterage. As your soon-to-be next to eldest sister, I feel it incumbent upon me to redress this particular problem which we will accomplish forthwith, and in return I would ask a very small favor of you.
Since it will take some weeks for us to return from Scotland, I would like to suggest you take your companion and retire to Longbourn, in Hertfordshire. Mr. Bingley will happily escort you there, or perhaps you may ask your uncle busybody Matlock for assistance. Once you are there, simply announce yourself to the housekeeper, Mrs. Hill; and tell her that you are to be the latest Bennet sister. She should give you my old room, and you are to make yourself comfortable. Once there, I would like you to become best friends with my sister Mary, and since I am told you're very proficient, perhaps you could teach her to play the pianoforte in a way that does not make one's ears bleed. She's a very dear child, but since she was raised with wolves, she is never really mastered the instrument. However, I'm sure with your assistance, she will be set right in no time.
Since you will be so engaged with my sister Mary, if your companion (I'm afraid I don't know her name) has the time, perhaps she could make my two younger sisters somewhat less accutely embarrassing. Actually, now that I think about it, one companion will be nowhere sufficient for that task. Please ask your companion to engage two more, and take them with you. You may consider this request authorized by both your brother and the colonel. Most especially, you are not to listen to a single word said by either of my two youngest sisters (well, actually, they will be your youngest sisters by then). Their names are Lydia and Kitty, just in case you have trouble separating them from the rest of the rabble of the house.
Should you have any questions, please feel free to direct them to my sister Jane, who you will either find at 34 Grace Church St. fending off Mr. Bingley with an ax, or at Longbourn request in my father's permission for marriage, or possibly on the same road to Gretna Green that I'm on. If the first or second condition applies, she will be happy to assist you in fitting in with your new sisters. If Jane is already on the way to Scotland, you may wish to join her, and although traditional; I believe you may come without a betrothed and you will still be welcome.
Of course, under no conditions should you pay the slightest attention to either of my parents, but you need not worry – with five daughters, they are unlikely to even notice you.
We hope to meet you properly in a fortnight or two.
Your Newest Sister
Elizabeth Bennet
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Rosings, Kent
Dear Lady Catherine,
My lady, as I had to leave unexpectedly, please allow me the opportunity to use this letter to thank you again and again for the kindness and condescension you have shown towards myself, all members of this household, and all members of the lower classes of Kent for that matter. For as my cousin rightly points out, it is the duty of those of elevated rank and privilege to assist the lower born through all manner of kindness, generosity and condescension. More specifically, your excellent advice to practice has been most particularly gratefully received and I have followed your instructions resolutely. More specifically, I have been practicing in dealing with unwanted suitors for some time now, and all were rejected in a similar manner. However, with the benefit of more practice, on the seventh proposal, I believe like I finally managed to perform the ceremony adequately; and I believe the eighth was nearly perfect. So on that account, I must offer my most sincere gratitude that you could condescend to advise one such as I with such good advice despite my impertinence and lack of fortune or connections.
I believe I should also thank you on behalf of another who I know has profited by your excellent advice, kindly proffered. I believe my seventh and eighth suitor (do not be alarmed, they are one and the same) might have never managed to come to the point if left to his own devices. However, upon receiving your excellent advice that it was time for him to finally marry, produce an heir, etc&, he finally worked up his courage to perform the appointed task.
So Lady Catherine, again I must thank you for your advice, although I must apologize because the press of important business and a short schedule prevented me from delivering my thanks in person. Your nephew and I are as we speak on our way to Scotland, to be married over the anvil on Tuesday next, and we have you to thank. Your attentions have been most efficacious, and we thank you for your excellent diligence.
Your Devoted Servant
Elizabeth Bennet
P.S. I may have omitted a small detail. I will be marrying your nephew Mr. Darcy. Your other nephew is along to stand up for him, and I believe your daughter is to stand up for me, another thing we have you to thank for. Your family's generosity knows no bounds.
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
The Right Honorable Rev. William Collins
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
My Dear Cousin,
I must trouble you sir to accept my most humble gratitude for the hospitality of your fine home, as well as your excessive generosity in sharing the blessings and condescension of your gracious patron, Lady Catherine de Bourgh. It is through her kindness, and generosity of spirit that she has offered to advise all within her exalted sphere, and I am humbled and honored to be thus included, for her advice has been of inestimable value to your humble cousin.
I must apologize for not offering my addresses in person, but an urgent engagement as required my presence elsewhere. Note that I mean "engagement" in the literal sense, not figurative. I am engaged to Mr. Darcy, and we are currently on our way to Scotland to be married over the anvil on Tuesday next.
I of course must thank you again and again, as you and Lady Catherine have done all that could be done to bring about this happy event. I recommend you go to Rosings immediately, to congratulate Lady Catherine on the success of her brilliant design.
You may also wish to condole with her on the absence of her daughter for the next fortnight. Miss de Bourgh has graciously agreed to a company us to Scotland, to act as my maid of honor, in which she will perform as the most exalted crown jewel of the entire blacksmith shop.
Once again my dear cousin, thank you for your hospitality and your assistance.
Yours Etc&
Elizabeth Bennet
Fri 10 April, 1812
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Mrs. Charlotte Collins
Hunsford Parsonage, Kent
Dear Charlotte,
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please come to Scotland with me! I'm sure Miss de Bourgh is quite wonderful, but I really would prefer you. I have no idea why I am writing this letter to you, since you're standing right behind me looking over my shoulder, but maybe this will work. If this does not, I will move on to groveling.
Beggingly Yours,
Elizabeth Bennet
P.S. My betrothal will be here in less than an hour, and I smell like your pig after he gets into your husbands brandy (actually, I think that particular danger has been alleviated for the moment). I really need a bath! Immediately!