A/N: Hey gang, another chapter in the can. I post chapters when they're done, so it might be a day between or a week. This chapter leaves behind a little bit of the unrepentant silliness of the previous one, and the unconventional narrative style to get back to the long-awaited road trip. Flying to Sydney Sunday, so that's around 18 hours each way so maybe we'll get a chapter or two done. Following my long-standing tradition (of one chapter), I will answer a few of the questions from the reviews in a shameless plug to get more people to review me, which will give more questions to answer, which will… Vicious circle I know.

Tarlily: Mr Collins in their elopement party? Way to ruin a perfectly good elopement!

I'm afraid so. Although I have to give you fair warning that I have OOC'd Mr. Collins considerably, although I'm not sure why just yet.

Regency1914: What is going to happen when Darcy realizes the lady that 'hates' him is Lizzy? And what will Lady Catherine do when she finds out he is NOT marrying Anne?

All in good time, all in good time :-)

Guest: While I'm really enjoying the story, I am not a fan of the writing style of this chapter, but maybe others are. (Referring to the pure silliness of the dialogues of "Flies on Walls")

Admittedly, that was a bit of an experiment. Probably would've been better if I'd shown a little bit of a starting point for each conversation, but the confusion of it was actually part of the point. There's a sum of the Unreliable Narrator going on here, and it's hard to imagine anybody less reliable than a fly. At any rate, back to regular narrative style now.

Suddenlysingle: I truly hope that Lady Catherine does not put an announcement in the paper while Darcy is gone, That could create a few difficulties for our dear couple. … change the name of the groom to whoever Anne is marrying

Ooh! The announcement is such a fun idea. Maybe I can work with it. As for Anne's groom, you don't really expect me to tell you that now do you?

Sheila: And it is few men who could knock off 7 brandies and still make any sense in their conversation. … And now I am wondering if Mr. Collins stayed at Rosings over night

Being a man myself, I can tell you that we rarely make any sense under the best of conditions, let alone after so many brandies. As for Mr. Collins, I actually thoroughly explained why he missed the whole thing, but unfortunately, I did that in my other story, Circles… So if you want an explanation, you'll have to read that one .

Sheila: Sir, are you related perchance to Mr. William Collins?

I can assure you madam that my esteemed patroness Amalia has provided me with a Regency dictionary ideally suited towards allowing a technology chief to write Regency fiction, being neither too specific nor too loose. I'm also equipped with the very latest in speech recognition technology, which ideally suits my purposes, as I have been told many times in the past. I have a keyboard that is neither too clicky, nor too soft, and whose pressure, size, key layout and mouse support is ideally suited towards a Ridiculous Regency Writer of my station (RRR maybe)…

Happylizzy: Won't everyone be surprised to see Lizzy instead of Maria.

Probably. I'm actually going to reveal that one a little at a time over the road trip (spoiler – it will take more than 4 days).

Katzenpfote: Mr Bennet did not really just dare Lydia to elope?

Yes he did! Not sure which of the Bennet sisters will be there in the end, although betting on Jane wouldn't be a bad way to go.

Snsandsnsibility: Can Aloysius end up with one of the Bennet sisters?

Not outside of the realm of possibility. PS, your review was hilarious.

And now, "Carrots and Sticks"

Elizabeth Bennet loved the Darcy Coach. She loved everything about it. She loved the beautiful and well-matched horses. She loved the surprisingly handsome coachman. She loved the rough-and-tumble and obviously well‑armed footmen. She loved the shiny exterior, and the well‑appointed interior. She also had to admit that it would certainly not be deficient in handsome men to accompany her, not the least of which was her betrothed. That thought brought a smile to her face, and left her to contemplate the happiness of the coming ceremony. Best of all though, was its complete lack of mothers or sisters. No Lydia to scream and fuss and make everyone miserable. No Kitty to cough and follow Lydia around like a lost puppy, repeating every bad behavior. No Mary to sermonize (boy, what she would have to say about Lizzy's current state of affairs – Shudder). No mother screeching about hedgerows and entrapments and how her beauty was nothing compared to Jane's. Wait! No Jane! That part would not do at all.

She rushed over to Darcy breathlessly and asked softly, "Baby Bear"

"Yes my Sweet Baboo"

"You're two centuries early with that endearment you know."

"Right, I'm a blockhead." When had Baby Bear learned to tease?

"I'll miss Jane terribly at the wedding. Could we fetch her to attend if we delay the nuptials for a few days?"

"I could send Fitzwilliam to town to escort her using my other carriage. He could bring Georgiana while he's at it."

"Oh! Would you? That would make me so happy!"

"Anything for you, Wolf Mother… but there will be a penalty to pay."

Elizabeth quite liked the idea of a penalty. It held promise, but probably best not to discuss it in the drive of the parsonage.

"That's so sweet. You know I love our animal names. It will always remind us of that first night when I started loving you… or at least, that first morning when I thought I was going to die or already had."

She glanced around quickly and maybe just a touch guiltily, and reached hand up to give him a caress on one cheek and a quick kiss on the other before continuing; "Now we should get going before the colonel loses his breakfast over our icky language. I'm not sure his training is sufficient for such an ordeal."

"Good idea"

With that, Elizabeth happily skipped off to examine the coach in more detail. Damn! She loved this coach!

The colonel's breakfast was safe for the moment, mostly because he missed the entire exchange. He was busy taking care of some important business on the other side of the coach, and came around just as they finished. He was surprised to see Miss Elizabeth walking away from an obvious tête-à-tête with Darcy without the accustomed look of derision he had come to expect. Perhaps Darcy had taken his advice and was tip-toeing around her carefully or maybe even being polite… No, that was too much to hope for, but at least he didn't seem to be antagonizing her this morning?

Darcy said, "Cuz, what would you think about riding like the hounds of hell to town, picking up Georgiana and Jane Bennet, and bringing them to Scotland for the wedding?"

"Why Jane Bennet? Is that Miss Elizabeth's sister? Wasn't she Bingley's paramour?"

"Don't go there! I'm afraid we have a bit of a mess between Bingley and Miss Bennet that I'll have to straighten out after the wedding… Wait!... Now that I think about it, let's do the two birds thing. If you can sneak Bingley out without either of his sisters knowing; bring him too but in his own coach. He probably won't understand why, so you may have to abduct him. Make sure you don't leave any conveyance for his sisters, even if you have to burn or sell his spare coaches, sell his horses and send his grooms to America. Burn his townhouse with the sisters in it if necessary. Bribe their servants to put itch powder in their riding habits. Pay pirates to abduct them to Australia. Sell them as indentured servants. Marry one of them off to your brother. Just make sure they don't follow you."

"So… Hounds of Hell… Bingley, Miss Bennet, Georgiana, burn house, indentured servitude… Yea… Bingley Sisters… Nay… Anyone else?"

"No, I think that should do, unless Georgiana wants to add someone, although I can't think of anyone else. Of course, we are going to Scotland so if you happen to stumble upon a bride for yourself, you might as well bring her along too."

"One question… Why Jane Bennet?"

"She's extremely close with my betrothed. In fact, she's her closest ally in the world, and what my bride wants, my bride gets."

"I guess they grew up together so it makes sense."

"I always make sense."

"Not really, but we'll let it go for now. Say, I noticed you talking to Miss Bennet. You seem to be getting along much better with her."

"Yes, you could say that." Darcy said with a grin. Fitzwilliam was always restating the obvious, probably because of his military training. That was when he wasn't saying something that was a complete cock-up of the facts … again, almost certainly due to his military training."

"Good to know Cuz. You may survive this yet. Well, I'm off to town. See you in Gretna Green."

With that, the colonel mounted his horse Marigold, and rode off in the direction of London.

Mr. Darcy was just getting ready to join his betrothed to leave when he was unaccountably accosted by none other than Mr. Collins.

"Mr. Darcy, might I have a word sir."

Darcy was astounded. Not only was he being accosted by Mr. Collins, but he seemed to be getting right to the point. This was astonishing.

"Mr. Collins."

"Sir, as Miss Elizabeth's nearest local male relative, I feel I must accompany her to Scotland with you to attend the wedding and offer what protection I may. I understand she is already well protected, but I feel I must do my duty."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Yes"

"Are you certain? It seems a very few words sir?"

"Ah, you refer to my manner of speaking?"

"Yes"

Mr. Collins looked around to insure that they were not overheard and said, "Mr. Darcy, I must confess that I have been receiving… er… instructions from my wife on deportment, and it seems likely that when all of the particulars of your elopement become known to Lady Catherine, I may be in search of a new living. It wouldn't do to offend my new patron."

"And Mrs. Collins has wrought this change?"

"Yes"

"Just Mrs. Collins? No tutors? No instructors? No dogs? No torture?"

"Just her"

"I must admit to being all astonishment. Tell me, how did she manage it?"

"Well, sir… Do you know the parable of The Carrot and The Stick?"

"Yes, I believe I've been told that I'm quite familiar with all aspects of muleage, although I'm not entirely certain it was a compliment!"

"Quite so, Mr. Darcy! Quite so… Well…", again a cautious look around and, "Without being too forward sir, may I suggest that the carrot is generally preferable the stick."

"That seems sensible, Mr. Collins."

After an even more cautious look around, Mr. Collins added with a whisper, 'Although it must be said, on certain occasions, the stick is not to be disdained.'

"Probably best to not go into detail, Mr. Collins. That might be Too Much Information."

"Agreed, Sir."

"So back to the main point, Mr. Collins. I really cannot bring you to Scotland. My apologies."

"Quite all right sir. Lady Catherine has graciously agreed to let me use one of her carriages, for she has several!"

"You're backsliding, Collins"

"Right sir. That last slipped out. You won't tell Charlotte?"

"Mums the word"

"Thank you sir. I'm favoring the carrot at the moment. You realize of course that Lady Catherine may not be fully conversant with all of the details of the wedding?"

"Such as?"

"I suspect her sanguinity with the situation may be related to the fact"… He took another careful look around before whispering, 'She may not be completely aware of the exact identity of your bride.'

Darcy was stunned. In his brandy addled state this morning, it had seemed as if everyone must know what he knew, but reviewing the interview at Rosings showed he could be entirely wrong. Could Aunt Catherine believe he was marrying Anne? That would certainly explain her odd behavior. For that matter, did even the colonel know? Anne asked him, but it never occurred to him to enlighten anybody else. Oh well, he couldn't worry about that. Elizabeth knew, and it was good enough for him.

"Mr. Collins, now that I think about it; maybe Lady Catherine believes I'm to marry Anne? I should have been surprised by her easy acceptance, but I didn't want to look a gift mule in the mouth."

"A horse, sir?"

"Beg pardon?"

"A horse sir. It's a 'gift horse in the mouth'. You may be mixing your metaphors."

"I think you may be right. The whole sticks thing may have me rattled."

"So the carrot and sticks metaphor is responsible for your confusion, rather than the brandy?"

"I will assert that to my grave."

"As you should sir… But back to the topic. Lady Catherine wants me to go to Scotland, and I would very much like to go… if nothing else, it will deprive her of one carriage."

"And one parson to help her move about. Your plan is uncommonly sensible, Mr. Collins."

"I try sire. I suggest I take my wife and sister in law in Lady Catherine's carriage, while you transport my cousin and Miss de Bourgh in yours."

"No more good sense Mr. Collins. I fear my head may explode."

Mr. Collins chuckled at this. Who would have thought Mr. Darcy could tease, or that he would understand it. Between Mrs. Collins and Miss Elizabeth, the world as we know it was changing. Maybe he could even venture into such unknown territory, "From the brandy or the good sense sir?"

"The combination is overwhelming. Now if you will excuse me, I must away."

Both men turned to gather their prospective brides and family members into their respective coaches, both hoping for carrots, but not entirely distrustful of the sticks either.