Chapter 28

APOV

I walk to my apartment. There are people all around me yet I am completely alone. I am listening to my iPod hoping I will feel like I am not here like I am not going through this. It's hard to describe how I feel. I feel broken and immense pain but I also feel empty and numb. I focus on my steps, right, left, right, left. This I can manage. Coldplay's 'Fix You' plays in my ears and the first verse hits me hard.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Tears begin to run down my cheeks so I pick up the pace. I don't want to cry in public. I can't cry in public. I walk past a crowded cafe, I think I see him and my heart constricts. I tell myself it couldn't be him. He's not a regular person. He's a demi-god living on Mt. Olympus looking down on the mortals.

Finally, I am home in the relative darkness of my apartment. Here I can cry, I can scream, I can agonize. I put my purse down and take off my shoes. I pick up my phone and turn it off; I can't bear to speak with anyone and pretend to be happy. My clothes are strangling me so I take them off. In just my bra and panties I lay down on my bed, alone, hold my knees to my chest and let it all out. My world is frozen cold and I lie in my bed for minutes, hours, days, I'm not sure.

I am roused by my name being called, "Ana! Are you home? You missed our lunch date today." It's Kate. She must have used her spare key I gave her for emergencies. "Oh my God. Ana, are you sick? What's wrong?" She sits near me on the bed with worry in her eyes.

"Oh, Kate. It was all a lie. It was just a game to him. I never mattered." I start to weep once more.

"Christian? What happened? Please, tell me, Ana. You have me worried." I can tell Kate is unsettled.

"He never cared about me. He told me I meant nothing to him. Kate, I gave him everything I had. I love him. I gave him my heart and he tore it to pieces and threw it in my face."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. You deserve so much better. You are so much better. What can I do for you? How can I make this better?" She is brushing the mangled and messy hair from my face.

"You can't. It's done. Unless you have a time machine, this is the reality." I inhale and exhale deeply trying not to cry again.

"I'm going to stop and pick some things up for you. Then I am going to come back here, get you showered and dressed and then you're going to eat something. You look absolutely dreadful."

She makes me laugh for a moment through my tears.

CPOV

I met with David Bottorf, the property manager of a building I am renovating, at a cafe after work. He gave me the paperwork I need and as I turned to leave I thought I saw her. Ana's slight frame and long coffee-colored hair breezes through my peripheral vision. By the time I look she is gone, like a ghost. I want to call her. I want to tell her I am sorry and I love her, but I can't. I'm reminded of the quote, 'If you love someone, set them free.'

I head to Elliot's house to drop off the paperwork for the renovation his crew will start tomorrow. "Thanks, bro. You OK? You look kind of shitty. Well, shittier than usual."

"Yeah, I'm fine." He looks at me and knows I am lying but says nothing. "I better go." Before I can do anything else, we hear the front door slam shut.

Kate rounds the corner into the kitchen looking furious. She places a solitary key on the island. "You! What the fuck did you do to her?" She yells. She doesn't give me a chance to respond. It's just as well; I have nothing to add. "She was sweet, and innocent, and honest and you, you shattered her!"

"Listen, Kate, things just happen. Did you expect me to marry her and have babies and live in a house with a white picket fence?" I say the words but they are meaningless. I want to tell her it's for Ana. It's to keep her safe, but I can't. Leila hasn't been found yet and she needs to believe Ana and I broke up. Except it's not a fabrication; we are broken up.

"You knew what you were doing the entire time. You knew you were going to hurt her and you still used her for your own sick and demented amusement. You don't deserve her. You don't even deserve to be in her thoughts. You should do everyone a favor and disappear."

"Where is she, Kate? Is she OK?" I am filled with worry. I did this to protect her. If she isn't OK this was all for nothing. "Is she at her apartment?"

She backs up and sets her mouth into a rigid line. "I'm not telling you. You don't need to know." I look at her and glance at the key on the island. It's Ana's apartment key. Before Kate even has a chance to do or say anything I grab the key and head out the door. "Asshole!" I hear Kate yell to me as I shut the door.

I speed trying to get to Ana as quickly as possible. I did this to keep her safe and judging by Kate's reaction, Ana is not doing well. I am growing frustrated, I just want to get to Anastasia and I am stuck in this fucking rush-hour traffic. Every minute I wait feels like an hour. I am worried and concerned. I am sorry. Finally, I arrive at her building. I don't have time to wait for the elevator so I take the steps two at a time to the third floor.

The last time I was here, I told her she meant nothing to me. I hurt her but it was for her own good. Kate is right, I don't deserve her. But I can't stomach the thought of her with another man. I don't want another man to look into those beautiful blue eyes and see love and compassion behind them. I don't want another man to wake up beside her and steal a look at her face as she peacefully sleeps. I know it isn't fair; and I know I am responsible for this but I want her to always be mine. I was her first but I want to be her last, too.

At last, I get to her apartment door. I pause for a second to see if I can hear anything. There's nothing but silence. I open the door to the dark apartment. I don't see her so I make my way to her bedroom. There I see her and I feel like my soul has been ripped from my body.