A/N: Well again, thanks for all the reviews. They've been coming in fast, and I really appreciate them. I'm not going to give detailed answers this time, but I will answer a few questions:

Which Bennett sister is Aloysius taking?

Do you really want me to tell you whodunit? Of course, everybody knows the most beautiful Bennet sister is Jane, right?

It was Lady Catherine, it was Lady Catherine, it was Lady Catherine… Am I right in my right am I right?

Maybe

Why did Fitzwilliam say "soon to be brother", when he doesn't know about Darcy and Lizzy

Oops… I'm a blockhead

So what's up with Mr. Collins?

Nothing in particular, he's acting perfectly within his normal character. Why do you ask?

With no further ado, Mending Her Buzzards

Sun 11 April 1812
Pirate Cottage in the Woods, Kent

Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Rosings, Kent

Dear Mother,

I must congratulate you on your unparalleled sagacity, perspicuity, perceptiveness, discernment, shrewdness, and prudence, showing how those of elevated rank are so much above those of baser, more humble and dare I say, lesser birth. Your astute and timely assistance in the matter of Mr. Rogers has most assuredly, undoubtedly, definitively and unquestionably halted a dastardly, dishonorable, shameful and reprehensible plot to pollute the shades of Pemberley in its tracks. You have correctly discerned the underhanded, sneaky, duplicitous actions of my Cousin Darcy's scandalous engagement, and your bold actions have stopped it short.

Now, I must allow my own breeding as your eldest and only daughter to assist you in your noble endeavors, as I am here with Mr. Rogers looking after your best interests as if you were here yourself. Trust me mother, I will ensure and guarantee that Darcy marries the appropriate bride in Scotland, and you can trust me to do all that is necessary on your behalf.

To do so, I must beg of you to abandon your usual and righteous tendency towards absolute candor, and to keep my council so that our plans so carefully laid may not be thwarted. By now, you have no doubt noted the return of Miss Lucas, and may well be distressed that she pretends no knowledge of any betrothal to my cousin. I beg you to allow her this small deception, for she deserves no more of your condescension or attention than a church mouse. In fact, you must go along with her deception in every particular. You cannot possibly be expected to explain yourself to such a lowly creature, but you may ask Mrs. Collins to do so. Please show her this letter and she will act unrelentingly in your own best interests which obviously coincide with my cousin's best interests in all particulars. Despite her low station, Mrs. Collins is quite clever and between her and your esteemed parson, they will do all that is necessary to send the little church mouse back to her mouse hole in Hertfordshire, and assist us in making sure Mr. Darcy is well wed, as appropriate for a man of his station, family and breeding.

Rest easy mother! You have done your duty splendidly, and now as your daughter, allow me to take up the reigns and ensure that the rest of our carefully laid plans are executed to perfection. Simply instruct Mr. Rogers that he is to escort all of his present company to Scotland, and I swear on the graves of all of our noble ancestors that our cousin Darcy weds the exactly appropriate bride.

Your Dutiful Daughter,
Anne de Bourgh

Sat 11 April 1812
Pirate Cottage in the Woods, Kent

Mr. Bennet (the one with 5 daughters… figure it out)
Longbourn, Hertfordshire

Dear Mr. Bennet,

Please excuse the impertinence and impropriety of writing to you directly, but I find it necessary since my new best friend Liz Bennet (you may know her as Lizzy, or possibly Elizabeth Grace Bennet when she is particularly naughty), is currently having a well deserved rest, having drank massive amounts of brandy, followed by acceptance of a proposal from my cousin, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, followed by a planned elopement to Scotland, followed by an attack by pirates and a long ride on horseback, which I am told she particularly abhors (at least she abhors horses.. I'm not certain how she feels about pirates). Needless to say, she is somewhat fatigued, or I would charge her with writing you herself.

Worry not though sir, as all is quite well. My mother appears to have engaged the pirates to waylay your daughter in the mistaken impression that Mr. Darcy was engaged to Miss Maria Lucas. My mother, preferring that Mr. Darcy wed me, took it upon herself to set things right as she sees them. I have no desire to marry my vampire cousin though, so I find my desires in perfect alignment with your daughter who does; so if he marries your daughter instead of me, all will be well.

I must apologize for my mother's excessive zeal in engaging the pirates who have waylaid us, but you need not be concerned. I do forewarn you though, that if Miss Maria Lucas should return to Hertfordshire, she may seem more confused than usual. I recommend you simply ignore anything she says.

I have instructed my mother to ask the pirates to escort us to Scotland, so as you can see, all is quite well and your daughter will be married within the week. I just wrote to apprise you of the situation.

Your daughter's new best friend,
Anne de Bourgh

P.S. If my other cousin Aloysius Fitzwilliam should call, you should take anything he says with a grain of salt.

P.P.S. Should the term 'pirate' cause you concern, fear not sir. They're actually much more along the lines of highwaymen, and I apologize if my loose use of the term 'pirate' caused you undue alarm.

P.P.P.S. My cousin Darcy is not an actual vampire. That's a literary shortcut. You need not worry overly about your favorite daughter becoming a creature of the night. I assure you that such an occurrence is no more likely in Scotland than in London.

P.P.P.P.S. Should my other cousin, Georgiana Darcy come to visit, you need not worry about her being a vampire either. As you well know sir, vampirism is acquired through being bitten, and is not a familial trait.

P.P.P.P.P.S. All of the above with respect to vampirism can also be said of lycanthropy. Neither of my cousins are werewolves, either. I mention this merely for completeness, and to possibly impress you with the fact that I know what the word "lycanthropy" means.

Sat 11 April 1812
Pirate Cottage in the Woods, Kent

Augustus Fitzwilliam, Fifth Earl of Matlock
Matlock House, London

Dear Uncle,

I wish to inform you of the latest events from Kent, some of which involve your sister and my mother. You are probably unaware that my cousin Darcy has proposed to a Miss Elizabeth Bennet of Hertfordshire and been accepted. We are on our way to Scotland to allow them to be married over the anvil. Unfortunately, this plan was not to my mother's liking, so she engaged some highwaymen/pirates to abduct us. Fortunately, my mother was quite confused about the nature of the bride, so all is well. I have written to my mother to ask her to release the pirates, and we shall be away to Scotland as soon as her reply can be obtained. So you see, all is as it should be. Not only will Darcy be married to the prettiest and smartest woman in England, but I will not be marrying my vampire cousin. Everyone wins.

If I could trouble you, I would ask you to perform a few small services for us.

1) Please plan a ball for a fortnight hence to celebrate the wedding. I'm sure my aunt will have ample opportunity to work out the particulars.

2) Please place an announcement in the papers, as I'm sure Darcy in his brandy-addled state probably forgot to mention it. Please make the announcement subtle and dignified, so as to avoid scandal. I believe wording similar to "Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley to Miss Elizabeth Bennet of Longbourn in a scandalous elopement to Scotland with a band of pirates", should suffice.

3) Please prepare to present Elizabeth and myself at court, and ask the queen if we might have some of those lemon bars aunt favors so much. In absence of lemon bars, I really would be much obliged for some raspberry treacle. In absence of treacle, I believe the queen could make her own decision about a tertiary choice.

Your Dutiful Niece,
Anne de Bourgh

Anne's exertions were disturbed when she heard the door open, and in walked her own cousin, Fitzwilliam Darcy. As quietly as she could, she whispered, 'Fitzwilliam, what are you doing here? How did you get here?'

'I muscled the bars off the window in my room, overpowered three guards, worked my way down the hall and picked the lock.'

Anne gave him a stare that would scare a Gorgon.

'Alright, the door was already unlocked and unguarded.'

Anne arched her brow exactly the way Elizabeth always did in movies, though never mentioned in the book, but that was good enough for Annie, because everyone loves Jennifer Ehle.

'Two guards'

Anne didn't move.

'One guard and I climbed the trellis.'

"We're on the ground floor."

Fitzwilliam looked defeated, and admitted, "All right, I bribed the guard with a guinea I keep hidden in my coat for just that purpose."

"Why didn't you say so? That's a better story than running around acting like a caveman."

"You think Elizabeth won't be disappointed?"

"Not at all! You need to suck it up, and quit being so worried about her."

"I thought she quite hated me on the horse yesterday."

"Yes, well… you may not want to ask her too many details of that ride. Suffice it to say, I'm nearly half-certain she'll wake up loving you instead of hating you in the morning."

"In the morning! No, we need to go now. We can't stay here subjected to the whims of these barbarians."

"You realize, barbarians and pirates aren't the same thing."

"Sorry, another literary slip. You realize these are actual highwaymen?"

"Actually, no I don't. I'm convinced that these are employees of my mother, and I have a plan."

With that, Anne showed Fitzwilliam her letters, and described how she was going to solve all of their problems. He was quite impressed. He had to say he liked this new version of Anne, and told her so.

"It's all Liz you know. She brought us both back to life.", she said ruefully, even though she wasn't exactly sure what that word meant.

"That she did my friend… That she did… So what next, captain?"

"Go back to your room. Rogers has agreed to let me write my mother and our uncle, so we'll have to await the reply. We're not going to try to escape these ruffians. That's too dangerous, and they'll let us go freely once my mother reads my letter. You should know that Liz is not quite ready to ride again anyway. It's probably best not to describe the exact nature of her malady."

"I know all about saddle sores, Anne. How did you manage to do so well?"

"You know I'm a pale sickly creature, right?"

"I would never say that."

"But you would think it?"

"I suppose so. I've just become accustomed to not thinking that much of you at all."

"I understand William. To answer your question, I have a bit of what you might call a bony b… well, let's just say that I had some relatively substantial padding sewn into my undergarments in places you don't want to know about. I'm fine with horses."

"Are you fine with Jimmy too?" Fitzwilliam added with a smirk.

Anne just gave a little smirk of her own and shooed him out of the room, so she could climb into bed with her new best friend for a well-deserved rest. Tomorrow or the next day, her plan would come to fruition and all would be well. In the meantime, she got a whole day with Liz and she was so excited she wanted to scream.