A/N: Still in Sydney, and I wrote this chapter over dinner.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be an amiable and gullible doormat of little common sense or character, willing to follow almost any direction from anybody, especially taller and richer men (whether handsome or are not – Jane was never very clear on that score).
"Bingley, I think you should become a gentleman. You should lease an estate to learn how to handle it. Do it somewhere far from Derbyshire, so if you completely stuff it up none of my neighbors will know about it. "
"Excellent idea Darcy, I know the perfect place in Hertfordshire."
"Bingley, You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me."
"On it, Darcy! Enjoy your sulk. She's prettier than you are anyway, and I suspect if you actually did dance with Miss Elizabeth, she would probably bash your head in with a rock eventually. I suspect that's how she makes that intoxicating scent in the first place. Probably safest if you avoid her entirely."
"Bingley, you should insist that Jane Bennet stay in your house for a week even though all she has is a trifling cold, and if she has something worse she'll probably kill your entire household, because I'm bored and want to tease Miss Elizabeth."
"Your wish is my command! Best idea ever! Well, not as good as an idea where I saw Miss Jane instead of you seeing Miss Elizabeth, but I'll go along."
"Bingley, you should call on Longbourn pretty much every day so Miss Bennet will have no doubt you're about to propose."
"Capital Idea, Darcy! I'll comply immediately."
"Bingley, Jane Bennet does not love you. You should abandon her, and while you're at it have your sister write her a nasty letter, implying you're now calling on my underage sister."
"Consider it done"
"Bingley, I'm going to visit my Aunt Catherine. You should come along."
"Whoa! Darcy, I may be amiable and gullible, but I do have my limits. Visit Lady Catherine and her oily little parson… You must be mad! There won't be a single person there fit to talk to, and not a pretty girl for leagues. No thank you! I will be perfectly content here with my sisters."
"Mr. Bingley Sir! My sister, Jane Bennet loves you! At least she did before you spinelessly abandoned her. Go to Gracechurch Street and do some groveling (a lot of groveling)."
"Let the groveling commence!"
Another truth, universally acknowledged is that Medline Gardiner is a bad ass, and usually the smartest person in the room. At about the same time that Bingley was reading his letter from Elizabeth, Jane was reading her own letter. She showed it to her aunt who read it, handed it back so Jane can read it again, took it back and read it again, and then the two women looked each other with a nod of deep and sympathetic understanding; and shouted at exactly the same time, "Road Trip!"
The hapless Mr. Bingley was forgotten almost immediately, as the ladies engaged in various types of hustling and bustling. Before Mr. Bingley had time to call (what with him needing a bath, a shave, clean clothes, different clean clothes, yet different clean clothes, a new valet, even different clean clothes; and to get rid of his sisters), Jane and Mrs. Gardiner were long gone on the road to Scotland.
Mr. Gardiner's business prevented him from leaving, but he didn't really mind. His children had a perfectly acceptable governess, and he had a perfectly acceptable store of brandy. All was right with the world and his wife and niece would return eventually.
Mr. Gardiner was just sitting down to the aforementioned brandy (which we should mention was decidedly better than our hapless couple had in Chapter 1) when he had a caller. Mr. Gardiner hated callers. For all he knew, he would have to be polite to whoever it was, and he really couldn't be bothered.
He opened the door to find some kind of overdressed and extremely nervous dandy, who he suspected must be the ever annoying Mr. Bingley. He had had quite enough of Jane's moping around the last four months, and he suspected if he exposed Mr. Bingley to his wife, she would probably bash his head in with the rock. Or, maybe Jane would, but either way his head was definitely in jeopardy. Bashing a gentleman's head in would definitely impact his business, but it was anybody's guess whether the effect would be positive or negative. There was a certain amount of disapprobation for murderers, which could make people avoid him; but on the other hand, it would get an awful lot of attention, which might help sales. Now if one of his nieces would thump that Darcy fellow, that would be good for business! But Bingley? He was marginal at best, and he did still have his brandy waiting.
Mr. Bingley had the look of a wet behind the ears pup, mostly because the author ran out of non-dog analogies, and he asked anxiously after Mr. Gardiner's niece Jane. Mr. Gardiner applied his considerable business acumen, common sense and conflict avoidance to give the answer best calculated to get rid of him with the least fuss.
"She's gone back to Hertfordshire. I suggest you seek her out at Longbourn."
There! Problem Solved! An hour or two in his sister's company would be enough to send Mr. Bingley scurrying back to wherever he came from, with no real fuss or bother for Mr. Gardiner.
With that, Mr. Bingley ran off towards his carriage shouting for his roster, whatever that was, and Mr. Gardiner returned to his brandy.
Meanwhile, Jane and her aunt were in the coach on the way to Scotland, and having a very serious conversation about logistics. It turned out, that Scotland was a very big place, and Lizzy had been frustratingly non-specific about exactly where they were going. Gretna Green was the traditional location, since they had a little cottage industry going with clandestine elopements. In fact, it was a matter of some debate how many people lived in the town just because their horse threw a shoe, and not a single blacksmith knew how to fix it. That didn't cause as much inconvenience as you might think, since the enterprising Scotsmen kept a convenient supply of bonny lasses to hand, so any hapless traveler who did stop with a lame horse would find himself married in no time, and all was well.
So Gretna Green? Here was where things became troublesome. Mr. Darcy was very rich, and there was a good chance he owned an estate or two in Scotland. For all they knew, he owned all of Scotland and it would be renamed Darcyville as soon as the maps could be updated, so actually finding them might be problematic. It wouldn't do to bring Jane into Gretna Green unaccompanied, what with the chance of some random passerby throwing a shoe. Jane really did not want to end up married to some random blacksmith or horseless gentleman.
Naturally, the smartest person in the room could always be counted on to come up with the obvious answer. You had to talk to the second smartest person in the room, so the first stop had to be with Charlotte Collins. Once they figured that out, they set off with complete confidence to Rosings.
The ladies knew that they were at least a full day behind the happy couple, maybe even two. However, they were not at all concerned, as there was not the slightest chance that Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet would make a four day trip without having some kind of explosion that would slow them down, or running into some other difficulty. They both attracted trouble, so all Jane and Madeline need do was go to Rosings, get direction from Charlotte and they would catch up in no time. They would probably even beat the couple to wherever they were going without difficulty.
Maybe Charlotte would even go with them! Who would pass up a free trip to Scotland? Certainly nobody in their right mind, so it was to be a threesome. A merry time was definitely in store for the Gardiner/Bennet/Collins ladies, if they could just somehow leave Charlotte's husband behind. Since they had already successfully abandoned one husband, how hard could it be with the other? All they need do was send him off to discuss next Sunday's sermon with Lady Catherine, and abscond with the missus while he was gone.
The Gardiner coach was a very fine coach, and the Gardiner horses were very fine horses so they made very good time to Rosings. They arrived at the lane between the parsonage and Rosings, and were quite surprised to see a large group of men on horses. They looked like highwaymen, except for one who unaccountably had a parrot on his shoulder. He stepped up to the carriage and said, "Ladies, I'm afraid you'll have to accompany me."
"Oh dear"