Disclaimer: I do not own the rights for the characters. I thank L. J. Smith for creating this beautiful books, Julie Plec for creating the show and TheCW for showing it.
I'm back :) I promised you it would be sooner and this time I really made it. So here it is, chapter 18!
Chapter 18- Impossible
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did
And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
All we had is gone now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
- James Arthur Impossible
Sunday, 04/12/2012, 1:32 pm, cafeteria
Okay, I was starving. I had slept so well last night that my alarm couldn't wake me up this morning so that I missed breakfast. And I hadn't really eaten much yesterday, so yeah.
I was nearly alone in the cafeteria. Normally there weren't a lot of people here on Sundays, or if they came, they would come a lot later. But like I said, I was starving. So I got my mac'n'cheese and sat down at the table. I thought about what I could or better should do today. I had a dress to finish for design and I had to do some corrections to our literature project. The project I did with Damon. Damon. And so easily my mind wandered back to the dance yesterday. It had done that all night and the whole morning. I just couldn't stop thinking about the dance. The way I felt when he touched me. It wasn't even that intimate but my body shivered when I only thought about it. It had never felt that way with one of the guys before.
I've already known before that I loved him, but to feel that there's also such a strong physical attraction between us, that was just something else. Something much deeper, like an invisible bond. And for the first time in a long time that fact didn't scare me. The only thing I was scared about was that Damon didn't feel that bond. That he didn't want me. I wasn't that illusional anymore. I knew that he was attracted to me. The nearly kisses and the dance showed that. I was just scared that his feelings weren't equally strong as mine. And because of that I didn't know what to do. Should I do the first move? Should I wait for him to do something?
In times like that I really missed my Mom. She would know what to do. Or at least she would know the words to make me find out what I should do on my own. She always had the right words. And not only that I wanted to talk to her about Damon, but also because it was December.
That meant Christmas was near and so Christmas holidays. Everyone was going home to celebrate with their families. Okay I was also going home and I also celebrated with my family, but it wasn't my whole family. Three people were missing. The three people I wanted to be there the most. It was the first Christmas without them and I didn't know what I should do.
I wasn't even in the mood for celebrating. We always had our little traditions. The blueberry pancakes in the morning, our matching Christmas themed Pjs, the Christmas tree we always decorated together with decoration Jeremy and I had made when we were younger and now, all of this was gone.
When I looked down at my plate again, I wasn't hungry anymore, so I tidied up my table and went back to my room. Caroline was out doing something with Stefan, so I had the room all to myself.
I was already thinking about my parents so I decided I could also go further back on the memory lane. I went to my closet and took out the box that was hidden in the last corner of it. It was the only box I hadn't opened after I came here. I don't think my aunt or cousin knew I had packed that box.
It was full of photo albums. When I opened the box I took out my favorite one. It was from the year when we went to Florida. We were all happy that time and Jeremy looked so cute as a six year old. I looked even somehow cute myself, with my ponytail with the pink ribbon, something Bonnie and I loved to do. When I looked at the photo on the first page a tear slipped down my cheek. It showed the for of us in front of the manatee station. My Mom pointed to a manatee sign, my brother was still happy about the game we had played, my Dad was tousling his hair and laying his other arm around my Mom and I was standing next to Jer, sticking out my tongue to the camera. We were standing there trying to get a good photo for our Christmas card, but somehow the camera took the photo and saved me this moment.
I went on looking through the pages. From time to time another tear escaped my eyes.
Tuesday, 18/10/2012, 6:50 pm, gym
'' Okay I planned something special today. It's what I think what we need at the moment, so no choreography learning today. Today we're gonna have fun!''
Rebekah seemed excited about today's practice. I might be too if she would finally tell us what she had planned. But no, she was just sitting there in front of the CD player, trying to start the music. But before we could here a sound she got up again and looked at us.
'' So what I have planned for us today is that. We need to loosen up a bit. I think we all know how the choreography works, but we are to concentrated on doing it perfectly. What we should be rather doing is just loosening ourselves in the music. And that's what we're gonna do today. I brought one song and we're going to listen to this one song the whole practice. You are going to dance to this song. You can dance however you want. Like little children, like you were on a dancefloor or even waltz. I don't care. I just want you to dance, to have fun and to listen to the music. I'm going to watch you from time to time. Maybe I find some good moves we can use in a choreography, but most of the time I'm just going to dance too. Okay?''
She didn't even wait for our response. She turned back to the CD player.
I loved the task. That was what I liked the most about cheerleading, the actual dancing. Okay I also like ´d to cheer and everything, but the dance part was my favorite. So I was standing there, waiting for the music to start.
'' I think you all know the song. At least I hope so. It would be a shame not to.'' And with that Bekah started the music. We all waited patiently for the first notes. When I heard the first sound I recognized the song and started to dance. I loved this song and not only because they danced to it in my favorite show.
When you could hear the voices singing, some of the other squeezed. I think now all of them knew the song.
Yo I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
so tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
so tell me what you want what you really really want
I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh
I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ahhh
It was my favorite song by The Spice Girls. It could always lighten up my mood. And I danced just like that. Like there were no sorrows, nothing bad in the whole world. I just dance like there was only me and the music. Nothing else.
If you want my future forget my past
if you wanna get with me better make it fast
now don't go wasting my precious time
get your act together we could be just fine
Now I danced together with Care, just like little children. We holt our hands and jumped around in circles, not caring how we looked, just having fun. We didn't just dance like children, we were children again, just for a little moment.
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
so tell me what you want what you really really want
I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh
I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ahhh
I even tried breakdance at one point. I think I failed miserably, but at least it was fun. I tried some moves I've seen in the music videos Jeremy used to watch, but there were more difficult than I had thought.
If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends
make it last forever friendship never ends
if you wanna be my lover you have got to give
taking is too easy but that's the way it is
Oh what you think about that now you know how I feel
say you could handle my love are you for real
I won't be hasty I'll give you a try
if you really bug me then I'll say goodbye
In the end I even did some of the ballet moves I'd learned when I was little and my Mom begged me to go to a ballet studio. I could still do a perfect pirouette. And I didn't even feel sick after it.
Yo I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
so tell me what you want what you really really want
I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh I wanna huh
I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ahhh
Practice was finished way to soon. I could have danced hours more. But basketball was now.
All of us were happy and we're giggled and just couldn't stop smiling.
Just when I was about to go to the changing rooms I heard Rebekah shouting my name. I turned around and walked over to her.
'' You wanted to talk?''
'' Yes Elena. I just wanted to tell you that you do great. Especially today you were amazing. You had so many ideas and I really love that ballet you did. Maybe you can help me put some of it in our next choreography?''
I nodded. I was extremely proud she wanted me to help her. She was still the captain and already a senior.
Now being even happier than before I walked to the changing rooms.
Friday, 02/09/2012, 11:47 pm, boarding school
I couldn't sleep. It was impossible for me. I thought coming here was a good idea the evening, but now I was certain it wasn't. Since after I had gotten home from the hospital I either slept in my parent's bedroom or Jeremy's and now here sleeping just felt wrong.n The sheets smelled wrong, the mattress felt wrong and it certainly was the wrong room. I knew sleep wouldn't come here.
I looked over to the other bed and was Caroline sleeping. She didn't know how lucky she was for being able to sleep so easily. I envied her.
Because I knew sleep wouldn't come I got up and got myself a glass of water. Maybe it would help a bit so that I could at least relax somehow. But it didn't.
Maybe some music would help me sleep. So I looked through my stuff to get my Ipod. I turned it on and went back to bed. I switched through the albums until I sound what I was looking for. Birdy. But although I listened to Farewell and Goodnight for about 20 times, I didn't feel any closer to sleep. So I turned around to my nightstand. There was the only picture of Mom, Dad and Jer I had already packed out. I wasn't planning to increase the number. I was trying to be someone new here and my past would help me with that, but still I needed some part of them to be with me.
I took the frame with the picture in my hands and looked at it. It was from a trip we took some time in February or March. We were in some kind of museum. It was more modern art, but Jeremy begged my parents to go there and so we did. Then he asked a stranger to take a photo in front of his favorite picture. I didn't know the name of the drawing anymore, but what I liked about the picture was that we all were standing there together all happy and just looking normal. It was one of the things I missed the most. Just being a normal family. Not having to ask your teacher for more time for filling out something, because you had to ask your aunt and your cousin first. Or just sitting in the living room together, watching a movie.
Clearly I also missed my parents and Jeremy.
The longest time I've been away from them before had been two weeks, when I took part in an exchange program and had been in Canada. And now? It's nearly been three months. And I missed them more than anything in the world. I would give everything just to see them again, but I knew it was impossible. I looked at the photo again, my thumb stroking over it and a tear slipping down my cheek.
And then I remembered something I've done when I was smaller. Whenever I was sad or afraid or mad at my parents or just I don't know what, I'd taken my blanket and went into my parents closet to sleep there. And that was what I did right now. Okay I couldn't go into their closet, but I hoped this closet would be good enough, too. So I took my blanket, the picture and got into the closet. When I lay down I saw the Teddy Jeremy gave me for my 16 birthday. I hadn't have the time to pack him out properly, but that didn't matter now. I took the bear and got under my blanket.
I then whispered to the photo '' I love you'' and closed my eyes. And then, finally, I fell asleep.
Okay so I used the song again:
Wannabe- Spice Girls
I know that's maybe not wat you expected. But I just felt the need to write this. I sometimes think her parents and Jer aren't present enough. Only in flashbacks so yeah. And I wanted also something fun in the chapter beside all the sadness about Elena's family and I thought that the dance was the perfect solution.
I know there is nearly no Delena in it, but don't worry, next chapter is full of it again. I have two possibilities in my mind what I could write, bith Delena, but not sure yet.
Thank you again for the reviews, support and just reading. It means everything to me.
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