A/N: As always I don't own anything (just Kyle)
It took longer than I expected but I kind of stuck in the middle of this and I have what You call writer's block. But I'm here again.
I would like to thank my friend Marta who beta this one (and she is a wonderful person who can deal with my craziness and even encourage more of the craziness from me! THNAKS)
#4 Tiny little fractures
Fractures, tiny little ones, are starting to show in Cassian Andor behavior. But he's still oblivious to most of them…
#Smile
The first thing people start to notice is his smile. Captain Cassian Andor doesn't smile, he hasn't been smiling before, ever. He could laugh at laud with the very few people he called his friends but he generally hasn't smiled.
And strange thing happening he's been smiling a lot lately. When Jyn comes to the mess for breakfast and their eyes meet he smiles a small smile, when she sits down with her tray he sends her one of his rare smiles the one which lighten his eyes.
When Jyn accidentally (she always thinks, it is accidentally) brushes her shoulder with him when they are discussing and quarrelling over some plans for the next mission the corners of Cassian's mouth rise in a hidden smile.
But definitely Cassian Andor does not simile.
Cassian's face lights up every time she boards the U wing all professional and focus on the new mission.
Yes, captain Andor does smile a lot lately.
#Sharing
The second thing is sharing.
There're bets around the Echo Base about whether or not they are sharing a bed, the truth is no one knows and everyone is too afraid to even ask. But there's most definitely a lot of sharing between Cassian and Jyn.
They share a personnel space whenever they're in the same room drifting unconsciously to each other. No matter where they sit before the briefing starts at the end of it Cassian and Jyn are somehow shoulder to shoulder hunched over one datapad. (and yes, they each have one)
It's like a mystical force pulling them to each other.
There's the meal sharing which has only recently been extended to caf sharing when Jyn started drinking his caf every morning as a habit. And there's no limitation on how many cups of caf you can have for breakfast. Jyn only discovers the lack of her caf when Cassian takes his first sip and then his cup is hers. What is more surprising he never complains; the only acknowledgment of this behavior is Cassian's lips twitching into a half smile and it's like nothing happened. For the first week when this practice started to occur both Bodhi and K2 were sitting frozen in spots just staring at the two of them but since there was no (like absolutely nothing) reaction to it they just leave it be.
#Pilot seat
There's absolutely no one except Cassian who sits in his seat … except Jyn Erso apparently. K2 has told Jyn Erso multiple times that the pilot seat is Cassian's but she never listens.
Cassian hasn't said a word to Jyn ever since the first time it happened. He might say something like "This sit is taken", but Jyn only looked at him and retorted back, "I don't see your name on it." And the matter was settled. She always leaves the seat whenever they're flying but when they're in hyperspace or in hangar preparing for the mission Jyn's always in Cassian's seat her legs on the dashboard. It's like she's teasing him to say something but he only pushes her legs down and sits in a copilot seat smiling to himself.
#Half sayings
This is a tricky one. Somehow those two can make an entire conversation without actually using sentences. Most of the time they stare at each other, preferably when the other isn't looking. And when they actually talk it's more like a code.
"Jyn." Cassian asks her looking intently at her.
"I don't know what you're talking about…" She answers not looking at him.
"I didn't say anything." Cassian defends himself, surprised by her reaction.
"I know what you're going to say." Jyn informs him her voice angry, because she really does know what he wants to say to her. It was reckless and dangerous or you shouldn't do it.
"OK do I need to…?" Cassian starts, but she interrupts him.
"No, I will do it."
"Whatever." He says half angrily half amused because he was sure she would put up more fight. Maybe she actually has learned something after this month in the Alliance.
"Fine." And she walks angrily off him.
And then they just go in opposites ways. Bodhi who has been more than once caught in the middle of such a conversation is still stunned by how they actually could decide and plan anything talking like that, but he knew and saw from the past experiences that they would come back pack and ready for the mission in an hour.
#Looks
Well it's actually more like pinning and longing stares towards certain green eyed young woman. Bodhi is too afraid to say Cassian that he's not such a good spy as he thinks when he supposes it's not showing.
And Kyle only laughs at Cassian when he's presenting one of this looks.
It's unnerving and slightly embracing to be a witness of Captain Andor staring game. Usually it's followed by a very grumpy and unfocused captain barking orders at anyone who interrupts his "not -stare". Cassian's so good at pretending that he's not pinning and longing her presence.
# Overprotectiveness
It's a factor that K2 would never associate with Cassian before Jyn Erso stormed to their life. And now it's a common factor on missions and what is more interesting around the Echo Base.
Cassian overprotectiveness was even discovered by said Jyn Erso, K2 was musing lately. But when confronted Cassian denied everything rather fast, K2 still has that conversation ringing in his circuits.
The mission had some dangerous and unexpected obstacles (meaning heavy fire, grenades and a contingent of Stormtroopers) but Cassian and Jyn managed to return to the ship mostly intact. If bleeding and bruised is mostly intact. The moment they were off the planet safe in hyperspace, Cassian unbuckled his seatbelt and raged at Jyn.
"What was that Jyn?" He yelled his anger clearly showed at his face.
"What? I've just saved your life." She yelled back her eyes a blazing fire, the emotions from fighting and running away still in her bloodstream.
"I was fine." Cassian spat back.
"Yes, that's why you have a blaster burn to your arm." Jyn accused him and continued, "but yes, you were fine." She finished in disbelieve.
"I don't care, when I say you run it's an order." Cassian informed her angrily his eyes hard.
"I won't obey orders when they're stupid." She spoke angry holding his eyes and didn't step back.
"What's wrong with you?" Cassian asked in disbelieve. "You need to listen to me, you could die there."
"Exactly Cassian, you could die as well." She said in a quiet voice. "And I could save you, what did you want me to do, leave you there and go back to ship?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I wanted you to do." Cassian answered her and added in more softer tone. "I don't want you to die Jyn, I can't…."
"I don't want you to die either Cassian." Jyn spoke her tone little shaken.
"This is getting nowhere." Cassian spoke after a long pause of staring down on her.
"Exactly, so I will bring a med pack and patch your shoulder and you just shut up." Jyn informed him and stormed to the cargo hold to find the med pack.
"It's more than insubordination Erso." Cassian yelled after her his tone a mix of amusement and seriousness.
"You're right captain it's so much more." Jyn voice could be head from the cargo hold. She didn't look at him. He was standing dumbfounded by her words.
He has absolutely no idea how to say to her all the things he would like to say. Don't die Jyn. I would not survive it. He doesn't have the courage to voice it, but these words are there deep inside his heart.
Another small tiny fracture in his old self.
Jyn brought the med pack and gestured him to sit on a small bench in a cargo hold. He was still half angry half overwhelmed by her last words. When she tentatively took off his jacket he was suddenly very aware of how close she was to him. He could feel the warmth radiating from her body her small hands working to pull off his shirt from his arm and Cassian breath stuck in his lungs. He was watching her small hands working skillfully with his wound, her green eyes sharp and focus. How did I land myself in all this?
His life is divided into the Cassian before and after Jyn Erso and he's barely recognizing the man he's becoming around her.
Then without thinking he grabbed her hand with his other and Jyn locked her eyes with him. Cassian could see mixed emotions playing in her eyes, the same probably are reflecting in his eyes. Her eyes softened and Cassian mustered all his strength not to kiss her then and there.
"Thank you." He didn't know what he's thanking her for actually maybe for saving his life, for helping him with his injured arm… or for STAYING after Scarif.
"You're welcome." She whispered back a small smile playing on her lips. "Don't ever do it again."
"I will, if you will." Cassian said back and also smiled.
K2 is still taken-aback by their behavior.
#Push and pull
There're days that they are like magnets pushing and pulling in a constant battle. To watch how they fight over absolutely trivial things and then after that they searching for each other for hours pretending not to apologize without using words. Sometimes Jyn thinks it's some game only her and Cassian know and there're absolute no rules in it. They could start to quarrel about almost everything, to be honest she's almost always the one who starts shouting at him. But sometimes she just has enough, she can feel how they're orbiting toward each other and when there are just too many unspoken words between them only one spark of anger can start a fire. And hell, yes, they know how to fight. It usually more privet than captain Solo and the Princess but still not less fierce.
And then their remorse and second thoughts take the lead. Cassian usually finds her first mostly because he knows all her hiding spots around the base.
"Jyn?" He asks softly finding her behind the vent generator in the east hangar.
"I don't want to talk about this." She huffs at him not looking at him but at her datapad on her lap.
"Fine, we will not talk." Cassian says and sits across form her on the ground.
"Then what are you doing here?" Jyn looks at him her eyes still angry, but Cassian can see some sadness behind it.
"Not talking about it apparently." Cassian answers lightly.
"That's idiotic." She bits back but her lips twitch upright.
"Damn, I was going for forgiving and let's not talk about that." Cassian informs her faking disappointment.
"You're not making any sense now." Jyn says sounding laughingly.
"To be honest that whole shouting had no sense, we still need to go with the plan." Cassian informs her in honest tone.
"I know and I hate it." Jyn agrees, her eyes lighting up.
"It's much better than hating me." Cassian mutters without thinking and regrets the moment those words leave his mouth.
"I've never said I hated you. "Jyn disagrees fast. She would never say it, it's more the opposite.
"Yet." Cassian answered quietly his voice dark.
"I don't think I can hate you Cassian." She speaks quietly not really looking at him. It would be easier to hate you Cassian trust me she thinks, but she will never say these words at loud. It would be much easier to feel hate that this hot, overcoming feeling she feels every time she's near him.
"Let's go, we have some preparations to do." She adds and smiles, getting up from the crate she was sitting on. Without looking at him she walks past him leaving him to ponder on yet another strange conversation they had.
#Nervousness
Cassian Andor isn't nervous.
He has been anxious about missions, sometimes desperate to survive and sometimes angry or furious but he's not nervous.
Until he met Jyn Erso.
Until actually he woke up in the med bay after Scarif and he didn't see her around. Those two hours were the longest and most nervous hours in his life. He knew she was alive, that much he was able to extract from 2-1B unit by his bed but she wasn't there. And Cassian felt nervous.
For the first time in his life his raging heart and shaky hands were due to the fact he actually cared about someone. And he hated that feeling, because it was absolutely new and mostly alarming.
And ever since that day the nervousness stayed with him as it comes to Jyn.
He half consciously feels nervous and irritated when she is away without him, and he is even more nervous when he's on a mission with her. Suddenly he starts worrying about unusual things, things that never existed in his life before Jyn. He is suddenly concerned about her safety, comfort, distress and it's so new to him that he's completely at loss with all these new feelings.
But the worst part is the nervous feeling that overpowers him when she's close to him. Suddenly Cassian starts to notice how his heart skips a beat every time she's a little too close, his hands beginning to tremble whenever she's touching him deliberately or not. He can feel the hammering of his heart whenever she sits close to him working on some plans late in the evening.
It's pure torture.
And he knows he has to stop feeling like that, he needs to get a grip over himself. But whenever he's almost sure he has won finally the battle against his stupid heart the feelings come back full force at him when he's the least expecting that.
As mentioned before, it is pure torture.
#Inner Battles
To Cassian's immerse surprise he discovers that he has an ongoing battle between his mind and his heart every time he's thinking about Jyn.
And this is actually a first for him.
It started on Edu, it was certainly the first time when that stupid organ Cassian knew was called heart, has meddled with his head for the first time.
It was like discovering another person inside him. A totally different one, a creature of the heart and reckless decisions. Generally, Cassian hates this creature which is woken up every time Jyn is around. Deep down Cassian knows that it's actually Jyn who has woken up this heart creature, and he doesn't know if he wants to be grateful for that or just erase that part of him. Cassian doesn't know if Jyn's presence is changing him into a better or a worse man. That yet has to be decided.
#Jealousy
The feeling which until recently he knew only that it's there, and only idiots who've fallen in love felt it. So, he's convinced now that you do not need to be in love (because he still struggled with himself not to admit that maybe this is the case) to feel this strange feeling. He's still stunned when his insides suddenly twist in a knot and anger floats in his body when he sees Jyn talking with any of the pilots in the hangar or smiles back to the comments of his colleagues from the intelligence office.
It is amazing what jealousy can do with his perception of reality. He must fight with all his strength not to do anything stupid. Cassian really has no idea (or doesn't want to know) from where did this strange new feeling appear from. And its rivals with the soft and warm feeling that comes over his whole body when Jyn is near. But the anger and madness are unpredictable and really make Cassian does not recognize himself. Even Kyle began to notice something. Whenever Cassian stares ominously narrowing his eyes at the next poor guy who is trying to flirt with Jyn, Kyle just smiles that knowing smile and pats him on the back muttering something like "Get a grip Cass, they're only talking." This of course leads to a long and emotional conversation with the title I- have -no -idea -what- you're -talking- about what ends up with a careless snort from Kyle and moving on to another topic of the conversation.
Fractures…tiny little once. Can change a man…
A/N: tell me what you think, if you would be so nice… thanks for reading