Fitzwilliam Darcy was not enjoying his wedding day in the least. This was not at all how he had planned entering the state of conjugal bliss. He had just spent a brutal four days in a coach separated from his betrothed night and day. They weren't even allowed to share meals, and snuggling… well, that goes without saying. They couldn't plan any joint action together, enjoy any intimacies, allow Anne to redraw them and see if Lizzy was still swinging her hammer or in fact, do much of anything except fret and worry. It was pure torture. It was worse than having a twelve-course dinner with Caroline Bingley, Fanny Bennet and Catherine de Bourgh at the same time. He was now regretting that he didn't make more of an attempt to escape from the pirate cabin, but realistically there was no way he could have done so, whether Rogers had ten men or fifty. Once the odds got past five to one, it didn't matter that much, and he certainly wasn't leaving without Anne and Lizzy.

Not only was the obviously insane Louisa Hurst (was she still a Hurst after murdering her husband, or would she revert to her maiden name), but he was also separated from his cousin Anne, so he couldn't plan anything with her either. In fact, he hadn't been allowed to speak to either of them since the breakfast room in the pirate cabin. The only ray of sunshine was that Anne was still being guarded by Jimmy and he appeared to have changed sides. Jimmy also looked like he actually knew how to use his weapons, and was so itching for a fight he could pass for a Scotsman if you gave him a kilt. Darcy was sure if he could just disrupt the ceremony just a little, he and Jimmy the Pirate would stand a better than average chance.

All of that was in vain though when they finally came to Gretna Green, because there they faced a couple of problems. First off, Louisa Hurst was much smarter than Caroline and being a confessed murderer she was also a lot more paranoid. Louisa was not about to have her plans disrupted, so she had each of the principles guarded by at least three armed ruffians, with their swords and knives drawn. She also kept each group far enough apart that they couldn't somehow sneakily create a disturbance and do something unpleasant, like maybe killing her. That would be inconvenient.

Darcy was led into a building that looked like what a real blacksmith might see in his nightmares. It looked a lot like a blacksmith shop but nothing was right. The dousing buckets were either empty or filled with spit and tobacco juice. The forge was the most ridiculous sight he had ever seen. It even had a feinting couch, the most ludicrous part of the whole operation… well, wait a minute. Scratch that one. If he was in fact being married to Lizzy that might not be such a bad place to feint so long as they did it together. Yes, the feinting couch had possibilities.

He thought back to the good old days (a week ago) when Mr. Collins was the most ridiculous parson he had ever met. Now he'd give a lot to have Mr. Collins back, because he would drag a double ceremony that featured both Fitzwilliam Darcy and Anne de Bourgh out for at least a se'nnight or maybe even a fortnight. Yes, he definitely was feeling nostalgic for Mr. Collins. This was a definite sign that his life was irretrievably ruined or that he'd gone insane, but now that he thought about it, he was really missing Charlotte Collins' orange treacle. Now that was good treacle.

He had just decided his life was just about over, when the worst of all possible things happened to him. Well, the two worst things happened at just about the same time. The first was he saw Caroline Bingley's wedding dress out of the corner of his eye, and the second was she appeared as if she was going to actually talk to him.

This was just getting worse and worse. However, once he thought he's reached rock bottom in his level of insanity, he had to take one more step downward on the madness wagon, because what she said actually made some sense.

"Mr. Darcy"

"Miss Bingley"

"You must know I've wanted to marry you since the first time I laid eyes on you."

"Don't you mean, the first time you laid eyes on Pemberley?"

"Don't quibble"

"I apologize, pray continue madam"

The next part she said so softly he was almost certain he had misheard it.

"Not like this."

Darcy started and stared at her. Caroline Bingley was every writer's perfect antagonist. She was the almost irresistible lure. In fact, you could make a very good case that she was better than Louisa, who always seemed much less… well, less. This was totally out of character.

"I beg your pardon"

"No sir, I beg your pardon. I always wanted to marry you, but not like this. I'm not brave Mr. Darcy, and I'm not skilled at much of anything, but if you can find a way to disrupt this debacle, I'll do my best to help you."

That was it, Darcy was indeed quite mad.

Anne de Bourgh was not overly impressed with her wedding day either. She was standing about five paces to the right of Darcy in some blacksmith's nightmare of a smithy, right next to the odious George Wickham. If she were to make a list of the last 10 men in the world she can ever be prevailed upon to marry, he would be at the very bottom of the list. She had even drawn him once when she was young, but could never figure out why she drew him in a barnyard. Now with half of his hair cut off and a giant "L" tattooed on his forehead, he was even less appealing than he had been previously. No, this would not do at all.

She was surreptitiously looking around for a weapon, but was not getting on at all, and considering the number of armed men surrounding Lizzy and Baby Bear, she didn't know that a weapon would be that useful anyway. You would think of blacksmith shop would have hammers, tongs, buckets, various bits of steel, hot things, cold things, horse things; something that could be made into a weapon, but this blacksmith didn't seem to have any of that. Even his spittoon was attached to the floor with big iron bands. This blacksmith shop might as well be her mother's parlor for all the weapons it contained. Come to think of it, nearly everything in her mother's parlor was sharp-edged and hideous, so she would be much better off hunting there. She wondered if she could convince Louisa Ratbrain Hurst to allow her to go back to Rosings for weapons.

George Wickham on the other hand seemed quite happy with his lot. He was finally about to trap an heiress, and no doubt the richest heiress he had ever set his sights on which should leave him set for life; as long as she didn't strangle him in his sleep. He would be more sanguine if Louisa hadn't mentioned that particular aspect of her operation, at least o the future Mrs. Wickham. Those kinds of ideas should not be floating about for all to peruse.

Yes, for George Wickham all was right with the world, as long as things didn't get to violent around him. With Darcy standing less than 10 paces away though, you couldn't be too careful. Darcy was currently guarded by three independent ruffians, all with drawn swords, but if he should get loose there was no doubt that he would do damage to anyone who got in his way. George Wickham had to give it to Louisa Hurst; she was barking mad, but she was also certainly paranoid and very careful. He could learn something from this woman. Maybe he should be marrying her? Oh wait a minute; that whole strangling the husband in his sleep thing might be a contraindication.

Under Mrs. Hurst's direction, Anne and Darcy were being prodded to look towards the front, but they were still looking around carefully, seeking any advantage, but every glance seemed to bring more bad news.

Elizabeth was surrounded by three other sword-wielding ruffians, about 10 paces away on the other side of the street. She was far enough away that he could see her, and Louisa could use her as a threat, but much too far for him to be able to do anything to help her. He doubted that he could even make two paces before the two behind him cut them down, and even if he did that, there was a good chance Elizabeth with fare poorly with her own set of criminals.

Jimmy the pirate was the only bright spot on his horizon. He was standing five or six paces from Louisa Hurst, directly behind Anne. Fitzwilliam believed that only Anne and himself knew that Jimmy had switched sides, and he oddly enough was perfectly comfortable with the idea of fighting side-by-side with the former highwayman. He was obviously good enough for Anne, so that was good enough for him. Besides that, he wasn't in it position to be very particular about his allies.

Now if he just had some type of distraction or weapon. He looked around the smithy and like Anne before him, found no satisfaction at all. The closest thing to a weapon the whole smithy contained was an old wheelbarrow and a Holocaust cloak, both of which were obviously good for absolutely nothing.

Darcy was just ruminating on his upcoming visit to Bedlam when he was rudely interrupted by the smith/parson.

"Ladies and gentlemen, have some whiskey… I insist."