So I've begun ice skating...go ahead and take a guess why I decided to do that. Actually I take that back, because if you're reading these, I'm pretty sure I already explained my recent obsession. So anyway, I was on the ice for an hour the other day, and I can confidently say I only fell twice. I also cannot stop for the life of me. That should be solved pretty soon, though. I hope. So I'm pretty excited about that and dreaming way bigger than I will ever achieve, with me already being this age and all. Have you seen those professionals? The girls are all like fifteen or sixteen!

Enough of my Yuri on Ice phase. You came for Tokyo Ghoul.

The bright, clear blue sky starkly contrasts my mood. Sighing, I turn over onto my side and push an apple slice into my mouth. I don't want to eat; I haven't since last night. Still, Mom would start worrying if I just suddenly stopped eating. She's already begun to grow anxious about Hanako's extended absence.

"Not with Yui today?" I twist to find Mami standing over me, her black, blue streaked hair blowing into her face. She shoves it back irritably.

"The teacher held her back," I explain. "Apparently she's been letting her grades slip."

Mami frowns. "It's my job to get the bad grades!"

"Maybe you should try fixing that," I comment, sitting up.

"Nah, too much trouble." She steals my last apple slice and shoves it into her mouth. "You've been coming up to the roof a lot recently."

"I have, haven't I?" Technically we're not supposed to be up here, but it's hard to find someplace else with so few people. Occasionally you get delinquents like Mami who come up here for one reason or another, but I find this place more isolated than anywhere else during lunchtime. I have been trying to cut down on my visits to the roof this year, since it's against the rules. I only really come up here when I've got something on my mind nowadays.

She examines me as I nibble on the rest of my meal. "What's it bugging you?"

"Hm?"

"You never make eye contact whenever you're bothered by something. What is it? I don't smell like smoke, do I?" For a second she panics, only settling down after she's sniffed her shirt. "Thank god that's not it! I'm dead if the teachers catch me smoking again."

Bothered by something….what an understatement. "Mami, what's the worst thing you've ever done?"

"Uh, I've done a lot of bad things, if you're going by what my mom says. How bad are we talking?"

"Absolute worst."

She thinks for a minute. "It might've been that time I gave a beer to a kid. He paid me for it, which is the only reason I would have handed over my drink, but still. I shouldn't have done that. I mean, I've no problem with the way I live, but it probably wasn't good of me to encourage that kid down the same path. The guilt after I sobered up definitely wasn't worth the money."

"'s that so…"

"Now spit it out. What exactly did you do that you're so hung up on?"

I don't answer, the terror filled eyes of the girl from yesterday cowering in the corner of my mind. Mami huffs, then digs around in her jacket pocket. Then she holds up a pack to me.

"Wanna smoke?"

"No."

"It'll calm the nerves." As she says this, she plucks out a cigarette and puts it to her lips, lighting it. "If it's really that serious, you could probably use a few."

Again, I just repeat, "No." I know people say smoking helps when you're stressed, but how the hell is infesting my lungs with nicotine supposed to help me recover from what I've done? I can hardly believe I actually came to school today, considering how sick I woke up feeling. I'm shocked I even slept at all.

"So," she finally has mercy enough to change the subject, "how's Yui?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself?"

Pahhh. The smoke swirls, puffed from her lips. "You know the answer to that."

I do. The two of them never talk anymore. Despite how close they used to be as first-years, time has not been kind to their friendship.

"Do you ever wish to go back to how it was when the three of us first met?" Yui, being the goody-goody she's always been, had to be dragged up here by Mami three years back. Mami had hung with her not-so-scholarly boyfriend, but Yui had spotted me. We didn't know each other at the time, but she recognized me from class and had thought I looked a lot more normal than the other person Mami was with. So we got to talking, and she began approaching me in class, and the rest is history. Mami, on the other hand, began complaining to me just because I was there after her boyfriend broke it off with her. For a short period of time, the two of them converged on me and we became a lopsided trio of sorts. But then the both of them gradually stopped meeting each other until I became practically their only tie. Even now that they got put in the same class, they have barely said a word to each other all year. Neither ever knows what the other is up to.

It scares me that Hanako and I could soon become just as distant. But that won't happen, because I won't let it. I can't let it, especially now that I've killed a person for that exact selfish desire.

"The thought's a nice dream," Mami admits, snuffing her cigarette on the concrete. "Is that was this is about? You having friend troubles?" Before I can refute her, she goes on. "Ah! That must be why I haven't been seeing Hanako at all! Did you two get into a fight? It better have been a fistfight and not some hissy fit, or else you're being way too over dramatic about it."

I sigh, leaning my head back against the wall behind me. "We didn't fight. She just...left. Left me a note and basically broke everything off with me."

She blinks. "Wow, really? That's harsh. You two were so close, too. You tried calling her, didn't you?"

"Of course. She blocked me." Or, the more likely scenario considering who she is is that she completely destroyed her phone. She wouldn't want there to be any chance of me contacting her.

"Well, there's not much I can do for you. Your situation's different from mine, but it's still pretty shitty, ain't it?"

"You have no idea."

"If it makes it feel any better, you've got a young angel for a mom. Have I ever mentioned how jealous I am of that?" Yes, many times. "I've told you before mine's an old hag, but seriously, those words don't do that monster justice. I'm shocked my old man's been putting up with her for all these years, without even once bringing up a divorce. Probably's got something to do with the problem of image, or something." She keeps going on, but I've heard it all before. Her main grievance in life seems to be the affairs of her parents.

I wonder if she's ever given ghouls much thought. Sure, the topic has come up in our conversations before, but we've talked about little except the misfortune of the victims. As most people do. I study her while she rants, wondering. Would she find it weird if I asked her about them now? She would, since it's so off topic, but has she ever thought about how the ghoul feels when they attack their victim? Sure, the victim of a murder is always scared, but what about the murderer?

A cold drop drips down my cheek before I can stop it, catching her attention. She pauses for a moment, then keeps going. She just shifts to sit beside me rather than in front and pretends she doesn't see.

Unable to thank her through the tears, I just do my best not to sob. After a while, my eyes dry up and she brings her rant to a finish. She lights a second cigarette while we sit, and somehow I find the heavy stench comforting. It certainly beats the iron aroma of blood.

"Kiyokooo!" A familiar voice whines from behind the corner. "My parents are grounding me until I get up my grades! They called the teacher and everything! I'm not allowed to go to any clubs!"

"Over here." I extend my hand around the corner for Yui to see. She rounds it immediately, a pout on her lips that falters when she sees Mami.

"Oh, I forgot you're always up here."

"Nice to see you, too, Yui," Mami puffs, dragging herself up to her feet. "Things going rough for you?"

"I guess." Her energy has faded, faced with her old friend. The way Mami's life has been going, Yui has a hard time complaining in front of her.

"What a coincidence. Kiyoko's got some crap going on herself." Yui glances to me, but I keep my eyes on Mami. "I recommend you eat quick. Lunch'll be over soon."

That said, Mami walks over to the chain-link fence surrounding roof and leans against it, which probably isn't the smartest thing to do if she's trying to not get caught. Yui plops down in front of me, her voice low as not to carry to Mami.

"What's up with you? Did you fail the quiz in history or something?"

"No, I just told her about Hanako." I pray to myself that my eyes haven't swollen from crying. "She's still yet to contact me."

"If she's really treating you like that, just forget about her," she shrugs, opening her lunchbox and shoveling the rice into her mouth.

"Sure, I'll just do that," I roll my eyes. She grins. I laugh, her full cheeks likening her to a chipmunk. Still, I find myself unmotivated to eat anymore, so I shove away the remainder of my meal. I'll just add the rest of it to my dinner tonight.

Then I realize the weight of my phone in my hand and sigh. Force of habit, I guess. I always used to call Hanako whenever I was upset. Yui doesn't miss this, slowing in her eating to watch for my reaction. She won't receive whatever message I send her, but maybe it'll make me feel a bit better if I follow routine.

I tap the letters and send, glad to do so even when the message declares itself unable to leave my phone.

I feel awful and it's all your fault you idiot

"She really hasn't responded to anything?"

A smile twitches at my lips at the tone of her voice. Despite the fact that Yui has always shown distaste for my 'cousin', it sounds like she's genuinely surprised by her behavior. To an extent, Yui trusted Hanako, even if she never liked her.

"Not a word," I confirm, pocketing my phone. "Don't worry. I'll find her eventually and strangle her for leaving."

"I'm not worried," she denies, "except for you. Mami wouldn't have mentioned that something was wrong unless it was serious. How are you actually taking her vanishing?"

"Horribly." I'm not ashamed to admit it. Not in the least.

"Have you thought about filing a missing person report? Or hiring an investigator?"

"She left me a note. She wasn't kidnapped or something."

"Well, yeah, but you'd find her pretty quick like that."

"No," I stretch. "No, I'll find her on my own. I'm thinking I should think of it like a challenge, a sort of puzzle. You know how invested in her I am, but this is a chance for me to do something on my own for once." I'd been wanting to do something on my own for a while, but I always figured that something would be going to college and eventually making a steady income. Supporting myself financially, you know?"

"If you ever need any help, call me," she grumbles, almost begrudgingly. "I'll help you look."

"Thanks."

As I watch her eat the rest of her meal, I can't help but remember the scene from last night. Yui biting into a vegetable is Uta sinking his teeth into the nape of Chisa's neck. Her peeling an orange is Uta again, peeling back the girl's skin to reach the flexible muscle tissue beneath. Her sucking on her juicebox is a ghoul slurping up the dripping streams of blood.

Both humans and ghouls eat, I guess. They're the same. And then there's me. I eat, like either of them, but I've killed for reasons other than to eat. I've killed to kill. To prove myself.

With those kinds of thoughts invading my mind, I can't help but feel slightly out of place as I sit on the roof with Yui.

Do any of you remember Mami? It's likely you don't, but her name actually came up in the first chapter. Somehow she actually became a character. It's kinda fun when that happens, isn't it? Anyway...if you're a long time reader of mine, you'll know I often feel horrible about what I do to my characters. This story is no exception. Really, it'd be fantastic if everyone could just be happy all the time. But were that the case, something would be missing. We just wouldn't be human without anger or sorrow. I lay it on pretty thick, though, don't I? We'll have to see if that darkness holds through until the end or not. A happy ending, or a tragic ending. Even I don't know yet. Any thoughts?

Till then, Kisses from SnowyNeko! :3