A few words of warning: this is a very emotional chapter. At least, this was my experience writing it. Our leading ladies will be dealing with something indicated in a previous chapter. My favorite part is the ending, which is hopeful. I hope you continue to read until then.
"This house is huge!"
"Do you like it?" What matters most to Regina is that Emma feels comfortable in the space.
"Regina, how can you afford this?" Obviously, Emma has differing concerns.
Careful to speak softly, Regina whispers, "I'm a queen. Remember?"
"How can I forget?" Really, Regina never lets Emma forget this fact.
They walk further into the house. Emma holds her baby girl's hand as they are being guided through by a stately brunette. "I thought that this could be Charlie's room."
Emma bends down to address her daughter. "Charlie, would you like to have your very own room in Regina's new house?"
"Yeah!"
Regina feels immediate relief at her daughter's enthusiasm. "I can get you whatever you like to decorate your room. And, if your mom says it's okay, we can take a trip to IKEA later tonight so you can pick out your new bed."
"Can we, Mommy? Please!"
"Of course we can."
Regina silently communicates to Emma to follow her down the hall.
"Hey, kid, why don't you stay here for a minute. Would you like to watch cartoons?" She retrieves her cell from her pocket and sets it up for Charlie. "Regina and I will be right down the hall if you need us."
Charlie nods her understanding.
"Come with me," Regina says as she takes Emma's hand and leads her down the hall. "This will be Henry's room when he's home from school."
"Henry." The blonde smiles fondly, imagining what it will be like to see her son again; to be a family.
"And this…this will be our room."
"Our room." Emma can't believe that this is really happening. Regina is here, standing in their bedroom, holding her hand, and…kissing her. She thinks:
I want this life. I want this so badly.
Emma spots another room across from the master bedroom, as they make their exit. "What's this room Regina?" She peers in, evaluating the space; then, turns back to address her girlfriend. "Are you going to turn it into your office?" Regina slowly lets her eyes roam over the room, as she moves closer to Emma. "Regina?" Emma always had the ability with Regina to not only tell when she is lying, but also what she is feeling. Understanding exactly what Regina's silence means, Emma decides to speak first.
"You know, I think the crib should go right here," Emma says as she steps inside and mimes the location and size of the crib. Another idea pops into her head. "And we can put a rocking chair over here by the window." Regina is clearly moved by the blonde woman's enthusiasm. "And, the changing table could go right here." The brunette doesn't attempt to stop, nor does she want to stop the tears from escaping.
Emma continues; she is on a roll now. "What color do you think we should paint the walls? I was thinking yellow, its gender neutral and I just can't be sad when I'm surrounded by yellow."
"Emma…" is all the brunette can manage.
Emma walks over to Regina and wraps her arms around the brunette's waist; closing the space between them. "I want to expand our family too."
"You mean that?"
"Of course, I mean that. With you Regina…I would have a dozen children."
"Let's not get too crazy." They laugh for a moment, just holding each other. "I do want another baby Emma."
"We're really going to do this?"
The older woman nods her response.
"I can't wait to start trying to get you pregnant," an excited teenage version of Emma exclaims.
The mood shifts, Regina becomes saddened by the thought of not being able to have children. "Emma, I can't carry a baby. I've known this for over forty-"
"Okay! That's cool, I got it." Emma removes her arms from around Regina's waist in an attempt to cover her ears.
"I'm sorry; I forgot how much the age difference bothers you."
"Nah, it's just when you start talking actual numbers it makes me a little nauseous."
"You are such a weirdo."
"Yeah, but I'm your weirdo." The blonde shifts her body toward Regina once again.
"I love you, weirdo," Regina says, wrapping her arms around Emma's neck.
"I love you too." Their lips don't behave for too long before they are at it once again. Emma can't help it, her lips just like Regina's way too much. Reluctantly she breaks the kiss to announce, "We can still have a baby, Regina. I'm happy to do this, for us."
"Really?"
"Of course."
"Emma, we won't be able to conceive outside of Storybrooke. This is a place without magic."
"Don't buy the house. We're going home…to Storybrooke."
"What about…?"
"Chris is not Charlie's father. She only recently started calling him 'Daddy.' The kid adores you. I know she'll understand why we're doing this." "I want our family Regina. You, me, Charlie, Henry…and a baby."
"A baby." Just saying the word makes it real. Regina smiles so big it causes her a little discomfort, but she doesn't care. She closes her eyes and embraces Emma. She holds the other woman so tightly, but Emma doesn't complain.
Emma let's Regina hold her as long as she needs. She subconsciously starts to rock the older woman in her embrace. "We're going to have a baby."
"I want our family, Emma."
"We'll have our family, Regina. Soon."
Suddenly, the mothers are snapped out of this transcendental moment by a tiny voice. "Mommy, I'm hungry."
Regina discretely wipes the tears from her eyes before answering. "It is almost supper time. Panera is close. How does that sound? We could have some nice, hot soup or a sandwich." Regina suggests.
"Yeah," an excited Charlie agrees.
"Soup sounds good." Obviously Emma agrees with Charlie and Regina.
As they walk down the hall hand-in-hand with their excited toddler running ahead of them, Emma says softly, "Hey, Regina, I know we won't be able to conceive outside of Storybrooke, but that doesn't mean we can't practice."
"Later, my love."
Oh, hell yeah!
########
By the time they arrive back at Emma's house Charlie is already asleep in Regina's back seat. Too much excitement in one day wore the child out.
"Please, let me get her," Regina insists as Emma watches Regina gently scoop up the sleeping child.
After putting her to bed, the two women head downstairs for some alone time.
"I wish I had never left Storybrooke."
"Emma, I understand why you did. If you hadn't left I don't know if I would have accepted my true feelings for you. I don't blame you for leaving, I don't blame you for getting married, and I don't want you blaming yourself anymore." Emma just looks at Regina with glassy eyes and a pleading gaze. "Emma…"
The blonde doesn't give Regina a chance to finish her sentence before enveloping her in the most passionate kiss of their relationship. "Can we just pretend, for one night, that we aren't in this situation?"
A breathless Regina nods in complete agreement.
They join lips once again, practically trying to breathe each other in; if that were possible. Desiring more contact, Regina grazes Emma's breast over her cream sweater. This causes Emma to gasp. The blonde woman had been entirely worked up from just kissing the stunning brunette that a slight touch almost sends her over the edge.
A deeply concerned Regina inquires, "You okay?"
"Take me, Regina. Take me right here, right now," Emma says in between shallow breathes.
Regina suddenly becomes extraordinarily nervous. It's been four years since she's touched Emma. The brunette regards the incredibly gorgeous woman in front of her. She delicately cups the blonde's cheek in her hand and whispers, "I love you Emma Swan."
Regina is met with two watery blue eyes. "I love you Regina Mills."
They begin to kiss each other again, softly; gently. Regina lets her fingers trail up Emma's ridiculously toned arms, across her gorgeous neck, over her breasts, down her abdomen, until she reaches Emma's hip bone. She delicately, tugs on the hem of Emma's sweater to remove it. The blonde helps by raising her arms. They barely separate their eager lips for more than a second at time as they do this. Regina follows with the white tank. This is like a carefully choreographed danced. Next, the brunette reaches around and unhooks Emma's light blue, cotton bra. She slowly guides the straps down the blonde's arms until she is free of the restrictive under-garment; letting it fall to the floor. Regina is not shy about re-acquainting herself with the breasts that she had grown so fond of.
Suddenly becoming self-conscious, Emma explains, "They are a little different now, after the second pregnancy. I breast-fed."
Regina halts her actions, holds Emma's waist and says, "This body gave life to my children." She moves to reverently cup Emma's breasts. "These breasts nourished my daughter. I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now."
Emma can't help blushing slightly at Regina's words. No one had ever or could ever pay her a compliment like that.
They continue to kiss deeply, as Regina moves her hands to undo the fly of Emma's jeans.
Suddenly Emma is reliving a very traumatic experience.
No. Stop.
Realizing what Regina is about to do, she becomes extremely anxious.
No, I'm not ready.
She attempts to talk herself out of a panic attack.
Relax Swan, it's okay…deep breaths.
Regina pulls the jeans and black and white stripped panties down in one fluid motion and waits to help Emma step out of them.
No! This is not okay!
Normally Regina would be lost in thought about how adorable her girlfriend is, regarding the mismatched undergarments. But she is suddenly snapped back to reality when she realizes that Emma's entire body has stiffened. The blonde's eyes are tightly shut and she appears to be shaking. Something is definitely wrong.
Regina immediately rises from her kneeling position and gently holds Emma's arms in an attempt to soothe the terrified woman.
Emma winces at this gesture. Why does Regina have to be so observant?
"Emma, what's wrong?" The blonde is unresponsive and only shuts her eyes tighter. She attempts to curl into herself in a desperate desire to hide. "Emma, please stay with me."
It's too much for her to handle. Emma only feels shame and helplessness as she falls into Regina's waiting arms and begins crying hysterically.
Regina realizes that Emma is soaked with sweat, which terrifies the brunette, as the younger woman continues to tremble violently in her arms.
"Okay. It's okay. Emma, it's okay." The brunette quickly tries to cover the exposed blonde. She slides her black and white striped panties up her legs and over her hips, next she follows with the jeans. The whole time she repeats, "It's okay. You're okay. I've got you, it's okay. What happened?"
"Please don't make me tell you…"
No. Nope. Now is not the time to be sick Regina, the brunette thinks to herself, I'm not even going to let my mind entertain the possibility that this woman was…no. Nope. She just holds the blonde woman tighter, determined to be the rock that Emma needs right now.
"I'm sorry," is barely audible. The crying woman can hardly catch her breath.
Regina has to stop herself again from breaking down. She attempts to get the younger woman talking. "Why are you apologizing?"
"I hate this. I hate feeling like this."
The brunette has to admit that she doesn't know how to respond, she is so overwhelmed with thoughts of what might have happened to the beautiful woman in her arms.
"This is not how I saw tonight going at all."
"Emma, we're together, that's all that matters. We don't have to do anything."
Gripping Regina tighter for support, Emma begs, "Please don't leave me, Regina."
She knows, without a doubt, how to respond this time. "Never. I will never leave you, Emma. And, nothing could make me love you any less. I only love you more each day, if that's even possible. You are my heart. I can never leave you."
"I love you so much, Regina. I just want to be with you."
"Believe me, Emma; I want to make love to you. I want you to feel how much I love you…when you're ready."
"I am; I was. Damnit!"
"It's alright. I've got you. I'm here."
"Can you just hold me forever, Regina?"
Regina responds by wrapping her arms even tighter around the half naked blonde.
They remain like this for over a minute before Emma speaks again.. "I'm so tired."
Once Emma's breathing has returned to normal and her body has calmed, Regina makes an upsetting observation. "You're shivering."
"I'm cold."
"Here," Regina says, grabbing a blanket off the oversized couch and wrapping it around the shaking blonde.
"Thanks."
"How about I make us some tea?"
An exhausted and much calmer Emma responds, "Yeah, I could use some tea."
Regina does what she can to help Emma, by locating the rest of her girlfriend's discarded clothes.
Emma decides to vocalize the thought running through her mind. "I'm really sorry, Regina. I didn't know that I was going to freak out like that."
Handing Emma her bra, tank top, and sweater, Regina replies, "You don't owe me an apology or any explanation." Emma ignores the bra and tank and immediately puts on the sweater.
Regina continues, "I am glad you feel comfortable talking to me, but you never owe me an explanation." If you're ever uncomfortable, just tell me. I never want to make you uncomfortable, Emma."
"You didn't, Regina." She looks away and numbly states, "It wasn't you."
Recognizing the familiar rage that is erupting in the pit of her stomach, Regina makes an escape before exploding. "I should go start the water…"
"Regina…" Emma gives the brunette a head start before following her up the stairs.
After locking herself in the bathroom, Regina finally loses it. She feels like her lungs are in a vise, she can't breathe, and she notices that she is silently screaming. She doubles over onto the floor and begins to choke. Oh, shit. She barely crawls over to the toilet in time to lose her dinner. The tears flow freely now. She just wants to hit something. She needs to hit something. How could anyone hurt her precious girl? How? Why? And, worst of all, Regina thinks, she wasn't there to protect Emma. But, I'm here now and she needs me to be strong for her. I will do whatever she needs.
The blonde can only imagine what agony her girlfriend is experiencing right now. She feels so helpless, but she is also exhausted. She does the only thing that is in her power to do at this moment, she starts the water for tea.
After pouring the boiling water into two cups and setting a teabag in each, Emma waits on the other side of the bathroom door for Regina to emerge.
Accustomed to being a queen and always looking poised, Regina unsuccessfully attempts to make herself look presentable. She wishes that she had magic now, so Emma would never know the suffering that Regina just experienced. The tears have washed all traces of Regina's make-up away. Unable to achieve her composed appearance, she opens the bathroom door. She is both relieved and saddened when she is greeted by the love of her life.
"Tea's ready."
It's Regina's turn to fall apart. Emma, having exerted herself entirely only minutes ago, just calmly holds her emotional girlfriend. Regina whispers, "You're the strong one."
Emma hugs Regina tighter and whispers, "I love you."
########
The two women are now curled up on the living room couch together, with a single blanket draped over them. Emma is in her favorite spot. Her head fits easily under Regina's chin.
"I missed this."
"Sleep my precious girl. Don't worry about anything more tonight. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
"I wished for this moment for so long."
"What do you mean?"
"For one night, I'm safe…in your arms." That does it. Regina only hopes that Emma won't soon feel wetness from the tears freely pouring from brown eyes. "You found me. I dreamed for so long that you'd find me."
As much as she despises the cliché, she has to admit to herself that it works in this moment. The Charming's have it right. "I will always find you."
The blonde woman lets herself be lulled to sleep by the sound of Regina's heartbeat.