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WARNING: This chapter contains a number of disturbing flashbacks indicating spousal abuse, I don't go into graphic detail, but panic and horror are described. But, if you've made it this far, you'll probably be fine.
Author's note: I recommend keeping a box tissues close by as you read.
During their nearly fifty minute drive back to the town where Emma lives, as the two women watch the setting sun over the horizon, they are filled with both gratitude and anxiety.
Emma decides to focus mainly on the gratitude. Attempting to distract herself from what she is about to do, the younger woman informs, "I've never seen Sylvia so happy."
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"I guess it was…five months ago. I drove us up to visit for Charlie's third birthday. Sylvia hadn't seen her since Christmas."
"They look like they have a very special relationship."
"Yeah, they do." She expected Regina to follow with another question, but when she doesn't the blonde woman encourages, "You look like you want to ask me something."
Hesitantly, the brunette woman begins, "I've missed a huge part of your life."
Emma takes a moment to let the weight of Regina's statement affect her before responding. "I'm sorry. I know this is a lot for you to take in." She offers a solution that, she hopes, will ease this transition. "I'm happy to answer any questions you have."
"Alright," Regina begins, "how long did you live there?"
It suddenly becomes clear to Emma that she doesn't exactly know how long she lived with Sylvia, so she answers to the best of her ability. "Charlie was almost two when I moved out." She searches her memory for any indicator of why she left in the first place. She continues, "Chris and I had been dating for about seven months when things got serious. He started staying over a lot. And, one morning Sylvia caught sight of him walking out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom, naked."
Regina tenses slightly at this admission. It's not new information, just a fact that still makes Regina uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Emma is too deep in thought of years ago to notice her girlfriend's discomfort. "Sylvia didn't want me to move out. She just didn't want Chris living there. So, he insisted that I move in with him. Three months later we were married."
She knows she shouldn't, but that doesn't stop her from asking, "Was there ever anybody else?"
Determined to remain truthful, Emma answers honestly, "Not really. I had forgotten how to meet people."
"How did you meet Chris?" She honestly does want to know. He is, after all, a huge part of Emma's story.
"He was one of my customers at the diner. The first time I met him, I had just returned to work. Thanks to Sylvia, I was able to stay home with Charlie for the first three months after she was born. Then, we worked it out so I could be home with her during the day and Sylvia would be with her at night when I had to work."
She looks over at Regina for signs of agitation before continuing. "I wasn't ready to date for a long time. But, then the loneliness got worse and Chris was persistent. He must've asked me out a hundred times before I finally said yes. We were friends. I thought I knew him. Charlie was already sixteen months old when we finally did start dating and I didn't let him meet her until we had been dating several months. I wanted to make sure that he was committed. He took to her immediately. If it hadn't been for that, I don't think I would have stayed with him." With regret in her voice, Emma adds, "He's not the man I thought he was."
Calmly, Regina asks the next question. "When did you move away?"
Unexpectedly, that question triggers Emma. She starts to squirm in her seat, in a failed attempt to avoid visiting a dark period in her life. Gravely, she responds, "Almost a year ago, last October. Chris took a job in Philadelphia, but I didn't want to raise Charlie in a big city. So, we stayed in New Jersey."
There is a moment of silence before Regina summons the courage to ask the next, painful, question. "Why did you marry him?"
Emma actually had a great deal of practice asking herself this question and trying to come up with an answer over the years. Often the answers varied, but one fact remained consistent. "I wanted a family. I wanted to give Charlie everything I never had. I thought Chris would be a good father." She continues, "Plus, he made enough at his job that I didn't have to work." She was absolutely not expecting the next admission that came out of her mouth. "I never thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom until I looked into my daughter's beautiful brown eyes for the first time." The tears are flowing freely now, at this realization. "Your eyes."
As much as the queen tried to remain strong, she crumbles under the weight of Emma's words of adoration.
"Do you love him?"
"There was a time I thought I did. It was the first time he held Charlie. He made her laugh. She looked so happy when he was playing with her." Overcome with emotion, she can barely get out, "I love that little girl so much; I wanted to give her everything."
"I don't blame you for moving on." Regina tries to sound reassuring.
"I didn't want to."
"You had to…for survival. I understand that."
"Regina, what I loved about Chris was the way he was with Charlie. I thought he'd be a good father."
"What about you?"
Emma takes a minute to summon the courage to face a part of her story that she would much rather forget.
"Things didn't get bad until we moved into the new house. But, there were warning signs when we were first living together. He became resentful toward me when he found out that I was using birth control."
Regina suddenly becomes nervous. "You didn't want to have another baby?"
"Not with him. My children are the best things that have ever happened to me, Regina. But, I couldn't have a child with this man. I think, subconsciously, I hoped that I would have the courage to leave him someday. A child would have connected me to him forever."
"How do you feel now?"
The blonde woman smiles to herself before answering, "I can't stop thinking about having another baby with you. The first time I held our little princess in my arms was the happiest day of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment, when I fell in love."
With silent tears streaming down her face, Regina whispers, "I love you."
"I love you too," Emma reciprocates.
The greater part of the remainder of the car ride is filled with comfortable silence that comes when two people know each other's hearts, for they understand the words that go unspoken between them.
But when they reach the town line, Regina asks the question that has been weighing heavily on her for nearly the last ten hours.
"Emma…today, when I was in the car with Charlie, on our way to pick up breakfast, she…I was talking to her and wanted to give her my undivided attention, so I pulled over on the side of the street…she cried like she thought I was going to…"
"I know," Emma solemnly relieves Regina of finishing that sentence.
The younger woman takes a deep breath before continuing; the memory is still a little fuzzy. Fighting through the haze, Emma hesitantly continues, "I was hoping she would forget. Over a month ago, it was Chris' day off, so we were going to take a trip to the beach. He woke up that morning in a bad mood. I should have known better than to get in the car with him when he's like that." Emotionless, Emma continues her story, "We were fighting…his temper was out of control. I normally tried to shield Charlie from hearing our fights." Gradually, the young woman's feelings return as she continuously refers to her daughter. "She was in her car-seat crying, the yelling scared her. I wanted to comfort her, tell her that everything was going to be okay." She is reliving it now. "He just kept yelling at her to stop. She's only a baby!"
Becoming alarmed, Regina asks, "Emma, what happened?"
"I can't."
Imagining the worst, Regina is desperate for an answer. "I need you to tell me what happened."
"I can't!" She is broken. The younger woman is curled into herself, face hidden, weeping and trembling, a sight that rockets bile to the top of the brunette woman's throat.
Fighting the urge to release the contents of her stomach, Regina calmly pulls over to the side of the road, careful not to trigger any deeper fear in this traumatized woman. She extends a nervous hand to gently touch her beloved's shoulder. Resting it there, she whispers, "I'm sorry."
Emma's muffled voice cries, "Please don't make me..."
"Stay with me, Emma," the queen pleads. "Please, my love. I need you to tell me what happened."
Straightening up to meet Regina's concerned gaze, the younger woman continues, "He had never threatened her before."
Starting to cry, a devastated Regina asks again, "What happened?"
"As soon as he pulled over, something inside me snapped. I didn't think. I was afraid what he might do. I just couldn't let him get to her. I don't want to imagine what would have happened if he had gotten hold of her."
With conviction and queenly authority in her voice, Regina confirms, "You would have killed him."
Unfortunately, it is almost near impossible to get through to Emma when she's in this deep. The young woman helplessly cries, "She never should have experienced that fear, Regina."
Determined to get through to the woman she loves, Regina moves closer to Emma and gently guides the younger woman's chin until blue eyes meet her own. Careful to emphasize each word, Regina affirms, "You shouldn't have experienced that either."
Evidently, Regina's words finally affect the blonde woman. She is at last free to admit her own horrifying experience. Holding onto Regina's gaze, the look that communicates deep love and sworn protection, Emma, in a choked voice, says, "He hurt me. He hurt me so badly. I thought he was going to kill me." Falling into her lover's embrace, the younger woman shatters.
The queen is unable to identify a single emotion from the others in the torrent that she is feeling in this moment. Being a vengeful queen, she recognizes rage first. Then, the strangled cries of her lover cancel out the anger. Numbly, the older woman states, "You kept her safe."
With urgency in her voice, Emma explains, "I wouldn't have stayed with him if I thought he was capable of hurting her, I swear."
Fear suddenly overtakes the queen as she listens to her lover's desperate plea. Is it possible that this beautiful woman thinks that I somehow blame her? A new emotion joins the torrent, one with which the queen has very little experience, guilt. I wasn't there to protect my family.
The queen repeats, with extreme anxiety, holding onto this statement for dear life, "You kept her safe."
Obviously Emma is continuing to relive the nightmare. "She was so scared."
The queen is broken; she does the only thing within her power. She repeats these words, careful to enunciate each, in hopes that they might magically make everything better, "You…kept her…safe."
As if she hadn't heard, Emma states what, for her, is fact, "I let her down."
Returning to the present moment, Regina realizes that her girlfriend is still lost in the abyss of guilt. Determined to bring her back, the queen loosens her hold from the younger woman and guides her up to meet her gaze. Holding Emma's face in both hands, Regina softly articulates, "I need you to listen to me. You did the best you could do. When he came after our child, what did you do?"
Suddenly brought back to the present, Emma whispers her reply. "I stopped him."
"You stopped him. You protected our child."
"Regina…" She nearly slips back into the darkness, but is thankfully saved by her Regina.
Enveloping Emma in a reassuring hug, Regina soothes with her voice as she rocks the younger woman. "It's over. It's over now. Emma, you're safe. Charlie is safe."
The blonde woman gives herself permission to relax in Regina's loving embrace. Resting her cheek on the brunette woman's shoulder, a weakened Emma repeats a sorrowful admission. "I thought he would be a good father."
"How could you have known?"
Both women are surprised by how increasingly effortless it is becoming to form rational thoughts.
"I wanted to give her everything I never had," Emma repeats her previous admission.
"You're not wrong for wanting a family. You didn't have that growing up because of me." Her voice noticeably fades as the regret she feels becomes evident.
Straightening up to meet her lover's eyes, Emma uses her newly restored courage to comfort the older woman. "Regina, it's not your fault. You didn't put me in that portal."
The queen grows increasingly upset with each painful admission. "If your father hadn't put you in that portal I would have killed you. I'm a monster!"
It's amazing how these two women balance each other so well. Now it is Emma's turn to be the voice of reason and bring her girlfriend back from the edge.
Unbelievably, the blonde woman is a picture of poise and confidence. She announces, "I'm done looking back. I'm done with regret. I want to move forward…with you."
The older woman is noticeably stunned and amazed at the transformation that has occurred in Emma. "I don't know what I did to deserve you. I want to give you the greatest life, Emma…if you'll let me."
As she says it, she can feel a welcomed smile cross her face. "Are you asking me..?"
The smile must be contagious. With tears of happiness welling in her eyes, Regina asks the question that she never dared dream that she would one day ask the love of her life. "Will you marry me?"
Without a moment's hesitation, Emma answers, "Yes." The smile grows bigger and brighter with each passing second. "A thousand times, yes, Regina!" She throws herself into the waiting arms of her fiancé.
Peppering Emma's face with kisses, the queen expresses the most beautiful words of devotion, "I promise you'll be happy, I promise we'll be a family, I promise to give you everything."
Smiling wildly, tears of joy streaming down her face, Emma makes an earnest request, "Please, just never let go of me."
Holding her beloved's face in her hands and looking into her eyes, Regina promises, "I'll never let you go again." The promise is sealed with a kiss on the lips. And, it isn't long before that kiss is deepened by both women, eager to start their lives together, as a family.
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Parking her Mercedes across the street and around the corner, hidden by neighboring bushes, Regina asks, "What time did you say he gets off work?"
"Soon," Emma responds, somberly.
Sensing her fiance's agitated state, Regina attempts to pull her out of it. "Hey."
"Hey," the young woman gratefully responds. She attempts to hide her agony behind a weak smile.
Desiring nothing more than to make this incredible woman feel safe and protected, Regina confirms, "I'll never let anything happen to you."
"I know." Emma offers her an honest smile. "I'm really glad you're here."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else," Regina sincerely confirms, gently petting Emma's adorable cheek.
Of course the younger woman is perfectly capable of getting out of the car by herself but, in her current state of agitation, Regina has decided to help her. "Stay there," she instructs as she exits the driver's side of the vehicle.
"Thank you," Emma says, accepting the offered hand, as she steps out of the car.
"You're welcome." The protectiveness is in overdrive. Regina holds Emma's hand in her own, for comfort, and confirms, "It's going to be alright."
The blonde woman's hands are trembling as she struggles to get the key into the lock of the front door.
Sensing Emma's frustration, Regina offers her help. "Do you need me to get it?"
Admitting her defeat, Emma nods her head in response and tries to hand over the keys, but drops them in the process. "Shit! I'm sorry," the younger woman begins to unravel.
Panic is present in the queen's eyes as she urgently tries to ground Emma before she reaches the-point-of-no-return. "Emma, it's okay. Just breathe."
"I can't." Breathing is clearly out of the question at the moment.
Nope. The queen is not about let her beloved spiral into a full blown attack. Not wanting to alarm her, but also realizing that Emma needs the contact, Regina calmly and confidently takes Emma's hand and gently presses it against her chest, lightly covering the younger woman's hand with her own to keep it in place. "Breathe with me," she instructs. Feeling Regina's life force, her heartbeat and breath, under her palm eases the panicked woman into a steady rhythm. She closes her eyes and concentrates on her protector's comforting breath, listening to Regina's continuing instruction. "In…out…in…out…in…out…in…out." Without moving their joined hands, Regina checks-in with her love, gently rubbing the back of the younger woman's hand with her thumb. "You okay?"
Emma opens heavy eyelids to look at her fiancé for the first time after the near panic attack. The concern in Regina's gaze melts the blonde woman's heart. All she can do is stare at Regina in wonder and amazement. How does this woman always know what to do when I feel like I'm drowning? Wanting to express so much more, at the moment Emma settles on, "Thank you."
The brunette woman offers a warm smile before removing their still joined hands. Sensing that Emma is not ready to lose contact, the older woman sends her a knowing glance before proceeding to unlock the door.
They enter the eerily silent house, hand-in-hand.
Emma decides to break the uncomfortable silence, apparently, by making the atmosphere even more uncomfortable. "So, this is it. This is the last time I will ever set foot in this house."
That statement gives the queen an even greater reason for concern. "Emma?"
"I don't think this was a good idea," Emma admits, with seriousness in her voice.
"Emma, listen to me. You can do this. You are going to confront Chris and show him that he can't hurt you anymore." Clearly, the blonde woman understands the most recent words spoken to her, but they fail to have an effect. Instead, she turns and walks down the hallway toward the master bedroom, leaving the flabbergasted brunette behind. What? That usually works. Why didn't that work?
"Where are you going?" Regina hastily follows her distraught fiancé.
"I need to get something," is Emma's cold response as she begins searching the back of the bedroom closet. Within a minute's time, she emerges with a recently loaded handgun.
Now it's Regina's turn to have a panic attack. "Emma, no! This isn't right," she frantically pleads.
Rising confidently with the gun in her hand, emotionless Emma states, "I'm going to confront him, just like you said."
Chasing her crazed lover down the hall, Regina further implores, "But this isn't what I meant. Emma this isn't you."
It must've been being back in the house of nightmares that caused the younger woman to snap. "How do you know? You weren't there!" That painful truth cut the queen deeply. "You weren't there all those nights that I waited for him to come with this gun in my hand, praying for the courage to use it! I hated him! I hate him for everything he's done to me!" Years of pain and misery come crashing down on top of this desperate woman all at once. She lets out a pained cry as she crumbles into Regina's waiting arms. Catching the fragile woman, Regina gently guides her to sit on the floor where she gently rocks Emma's trembling form in her loving embrace. The queen is at a loss for words, for she knows that there is absolutely nothing that she could possible say to make things right. She just continues to hold her beloved tightly, determined to remain with this woman in her time of suffering. After several minutes, Regina couldn't tell exactly, she feels Emma recover slightly. The younger woman's voice that is now hoarse from intense crying is heard. "I'm not strong enough to handle this."
Even though she knows that there is nothing she could say to reverse the damage, Regina is determined to keep her love from going down a dark path. "I know that I can't begin to imagine what this must be like for you. But trust me on this Emma, a gun won't make you strong." She voices something that she has known in her heart since she first met the blonde woman, "You are already the strongest person I know." Suddenly, a brilliant idea occurs to her. "You just need to remember who you are," she adds, as she digs her cell-phone out of her jacket pocket and speed-dials the one person who can talk Emma out of her self-defeating behavior.
Noticing Regina's action, the younger women inquires, "Who are you calling?"
Not even waiting for an answer, Regina places the phone against Emma's ear.
Upon hearing the voice for the first time in four years, Emma sobers immediately. "Regina? Hello. Regina, are you there? Hello," Mary-Margaret's voice rings through.
"Mom," Emma barely gets out.
"Emma?" Mary-Margaret asks hopefully.
"Mom," she cries.
"Emma, honey! David, get in here quick! Emma's on the phone."
Regina watches this heartwarming scene play out. She is immediately relieved at seeing Emma's emptiness turn to happiness.
"Emma," David's voice comes through.
"Daddy," Emma says, smiling wildly.
"Honey, are you alright?"
"I missed you," she manages through a flood of tears.
"We missed you too," David responds.
"We'll see you soon. You'll be home in two days," Mary-Margaret chimes in, eager to talk to her daughter again.
"I know. I love you."
"We love you too, honey," she continues.
She cannot even manage to say goodbye. Hearing her parent's voices for the first time in four years is too much for the young woman.
"Mary-Margaret," Regina says, gently taking the phone from her fiancé and petting her head as she does this. Automatically Emma tries to cover her face with her hands, but the gun is still firmly in her grasp.
"Regina. Thank you," Mary-Margaret cries.
Balancing the phone in the space between her shoulder and neck, Regina carefully and confidently takes the gun from Emma's trembling hand with no required effort. The queen has just enough time to place the gun out of reach before Emma buries her face completely in her neck, and begins crying uncontrollably. The older woman kisses the top of her precious girl's head and rubs circles on Emma's back with her free hand in comfort, as she continues her conversation with Mary-Margaret. "Don't thank me. Your daughter just needed to hear your voice."
"Is she alright? I hear her crying."
"She's alright. She just misses you."
"I need my baby to be home. I just want to hold her."
"I know," Regina sympathizes. She is entirely grateful to have Emma in her arms, where she is safe and protected.
"Are you still going to see Henry tomorrow?"
"Yes, we are. We'll see you soon."
"Give Henry a kiss for me."
"I will."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Regina now wraps both arms around the crying woman and kisses the top of her head again.
"I love them so much," Emma continues to cry.
As she automatically begins to rock the younger woman in her arms, Regina explains, "You have the blood of heroes running through your veins. You are a hero Emma. Just remember your parents. Remember everything they fought for, especially their fight for you. You are stronger than Chris, Emma. You just forgot for a while."
Recovering slightly, Emma stands, with help from Regina. Her legs are still shaky as she tries to regain her balance. Regina becomes nervous for a second as she watches Emma retrieve the handgun, until the younger woman speaks.
"You were right, Regina. This isn't me. It felt wrong."
"Let's put this back where it can't hurt anyone," Regina adds, lightly placing a supportive hand under her fiance's.
After the unloaded gun is safely tucked away in the back of the closet and both women have returned to the living room, Emma takes the time to express her gratitude. "Thank you Regina, for helping me."
"I'm so proud of you, Emma."
Just as they are about to join lips, a car pulls into the drive sending a wave of panic up the blonde woman's spine.
Suddenly frozen in place, Emma breathlessly whispers, "He's here."
Feeling her fiance's panic, Regina attempts to calm her. "Okay. Emma, it's okay. I'm right here. Nothing's going to happen to you," she soothes as she massages the younger woman's shoulder.
"Regina, I'm scared." Emma's worried expression breaks the older woman's heart.
Holding her gaze and gently petting her face, Regina reassures, "I'm right here. I've got you. Just breathe."
As they hear a key being inserted into the lock on the front door, Emma mouths, "I love you."
"I love you," Regina returns.
Please don't hate me. I just want to make sure I get this thing right. So, the next chapter will absolutely be the long awaited confrontation and…well, I don't want to spoil anything. But, I promise, you will want to stick around ;) As always, if you have time to leave me a review I greatly appreciate it. Your reviews help me write faster!