Draco was walking through the corridors of his home but the air in the Manor smelled of death and destruction. He shuddered trying to banish the dark thoughts. The Manor had started to heal itself years ago. You-Know-Who was gone for good. Draco stopped abruptly as his mother materialized in front of him.
"I am sorry Mother." He said loudly but she didn't respond, it was as if she couldn't hear him at all.
Draco looked around and was surprised to see his father sitting on the edge of the armchair his knuckles white as he held his walking stick tightly.
"Father!" Draco exclaimed surprised, "What are you doing here? How did you even get out?"
His father didn't respond, instead he looked at his mother with fear in his eyes before saying, "It is getting rather late, dear."
"They will be back any time now." Narcissa said quickly, turning to give her husband a defiant look.
Before anybody could say anything, the room was filled shouts and jeers. Lucius and Narcissa exchanged a horrified look and hurried out of the door. Draco remained rooted to his spot. He knew when and where he was. His mother had told him about the conversation his father and she had had waiting for them to return on that fateful night.
He was in a memory, no, so far he was in a figment of his own imagination and he needed to wake. He tried occlumency, tried to build a wall around him and lift himself but the walls around him were solid. He banged against the walls, but they didn't give way, to his horror the room started spinning. Draco closed his eyes and tried to melt with the walls once the spinning stopped. He knew these walls, he knew what was about to happen and sure enough, he saw Bellatrix throw his younger self in the room.
"Bella! What are you doing?" Narcissa screamed, "Let him go. The task is done."
"Your son is weak, Cissy. You know the Dark Lord does not forgive weakness." Bellatrix screamed back, standing guard on the door.
"Bella! Stop acting like an insolent child." Snape snapped, "And let Draco go."
"Stay out of this, Severus." Bella hissed, "How dare you intervene in our family matters?"
"Bella. Get away from my son." Lucius said, drawing out his wand.
Bella cackled, "I would like to see you try." She screeched before flicking her wand and sending out a spell so powerful that Lucius, Rowle and Rodolphus went flying in three different directions. Narcissa and Snape stood their grounds with protective shields around them, but they had lost time in creating shields; Bella had already locked the room.
Once inside the room, Bella turned and smiled sweetly at Draco, her eyes dripping with malice.
Draco watched as his younger self backed away from the mad woman.
"Now, my dear nephew; I will teach you about dodging spells okay? Crucio."
The sixteen year old Draco fell to the ground twisting and screaming in pain.
"Tut! Tut!" Bellatrix leered at him, "You have to dodge you fool. Again. Crucio."
Draco had hardly been able to catch his breath when he was screaming and writhing in pain again.
"Again!" Bellatrix said, lifting the curse for mere seconds. This time Draco managed to roll away which only inspired his aunt to try harder.
The older Draco watched with a sense of detachment as he watched himself being tortured again and again. He could hear the distant bangs on the door, he could hear his parents' shouts. It was almost unreal to realize that he remembered these tiny details, when he was consumed with pain. It felt like the hours were just stretching on. He closed his eyes the moment he saw Bellatrix withdraw her knife, he knew what would follow.
At this point, the sixteen year old Draco had lost speech, so he had tried to crawl away from her, and Bellatrix had hooked the knife on his shoulder, slashing through his back. No, matter what the adult Draco did, he couldn't ignore strangled piteous cries from his younger self. He wished all of this could end. He couldn't take any more of it. As soon as he wished it, the walls started spinning again.
He watched the murder and desecration of Charity Burbage again. He kept telling himself that all of this was not real but the more he stayed, the more he lost hope. Maybe there was no escape from your demons. He wept, wishing for some solace, some quiet. The room went pitch black.
"It's been two days Draco. You need to wake up. Please wake up." He looked up from his fetal position. He recognized this voice! Astoria, she was here! She would help him. She always did. But the dark peaceful oblivion shifted and he collapsed into another memory again.
Theodore was on his knees in the courtyard of the Manor, along with Vincent and Greg. The Dark Lord towered over them. Draco realized with a jolt that he had no recollection of this particular night. He knew that Theodore was marked but he didn't remember being present for the ceremony.
"Your arms." The dark lord said silkily.
Vincent was the first to stick his arm out. Draco looked around and saw the distinct pride in Crabbe Senior's eyes. However, Flint's eyes betrayed his fear and disappointment. Draco watched Flint intently till Crabbe started screaming, the other death eaters jeered. He saw Flint straighten his posture and school his expression to look distinctly unaffected. Draco glanced at Crabbe again, he was slumped on the ground at the Dark Lord's feet.
"Get up!" The Dark Lord ordered crisply, before moving on to Goyle. Minutes later Gregory was on the floor screaming in agony.
"Are the scions of noble breeds so weak?" The dark lord asked over the jeers and laughter of other Death Eaters. "Are you as worthy as your father, young Nott?"
Draco could see the steely glint in Theodore's eyes as he held his hand out. He watched him lock his jaw and hold his breath as the dark mark was seared on his forearm. The death eaters watched in anticipation, waiting for a scream that never came.
"Finally, a worthy follower." The dark lord hissed gleefully, "You have raised a worthy son, Nott. I think, it is time to bring our guests."
The older Draco hurled himself against the wall. Somehow knowing full well that they were going to bring in Ted Tonks along with six others, including two children aged 3 and 5 respectively.
"Ah! Our guests have arrived!" The Dark Lord said cheerfully. "Let me introduce you to our first guest, Ted Tonks, who hoodwinked and married Andromeda Black. He is quite a charmer and a fierce fighter, killed 3 of our people before he was captured."
Bellatrix hissed; and raised her wand above her head. "Bella, would you like to demonstrate for our young members?" The Dark Lord said with an evil smile, "Watch closely, I would like for you to follow Bellatrix."
Bellatrix stepped forward, enjoying herself thoroughly as she tortured Ted Tonks. The older Draco closed his eyes, now that he knew more about Ted Tonks and the love his aunt had for him, he couldn't watch this. Now that he had known such consuming love himself, he didn't want to think about the pain they had caused her.
He watched with growing horror as Ted Tonks was reduced to a bloody mess. He could see the pride and defiance in his eyes as he tried to stand up and laugh at Bellatrix. Before Bellatrix could raise her wand to torture him again, Draco saw his younger self step next to her, he saw the flash of green leave his wand and he watched in horror as Ted Tonks' body hit the ground.
Draco's scream surrounded him as he watched Bellatrix pat his back gleefully. No! No! No! NO! This couldn't be true! He was not a killer, he had never been a killer. His mother had reminded him every day that he was a pure soul. That he had never killed anyone.
"Well done, Draco!" The Dark Lord said, the older Draco's head snapped up and he was filled with hatred for the young emotionless boy standing in front of the dark lord.
"I live to serve you, my lord." The younger Draco whispered.
"That you do, don't you." The dark lord said, "I am curious though, what made you kill this worthless man?"
The older Draco watched, as his younger self's gaze flickered to his mother briefly before straightening up. "Family honour, my Lord; I wanted a chance to make it right too."
The Dark Lord nodded, before dismissing him. The younger Draco walked back and took his position beside his mother.
"Thank you." Narcissa whispered, Draco said nothing, just stared ahead of him as he watched Crabbe torture the young muggle girl. The mad laughter echoing in the courtyard were not enough to drown out the girl's screams. At last, Crabbe turned with the dead body of the girl and placed it at the Dark Lord's feet.
Goyle who had always been weak at powerful spells struggled initially but he was able to throw torture curses effectively. However, when his killing curse failed to kill the brother of the woman Crabbe had tortured, and killed; he grew frustrated and gutted the man with a knife. This seemed to impress the death eaters but the dark lord cast a Cruciatus curse at Goyle; annoyed at the mess.
Everyone watched with baited breath as Theodore stepped forward.
"My Lord, why are they here?" He asked assessing the family of four.
"Why do you ask, young Nott?" The Dark Lord asked looking visibly entertained.
"Because if they are here with their children, it means they are withholding information."
"True. You see, Mr. Smethwyck here knows the location of a safe house for a family of mudbloods."
Theodore nodded, he pointed his wand at the little girl, and she started shrieking in pain. The parents tried to lunge forward to protect their child, but Theordore sent powerful body binds towards them.
"I will let Crabbe have his way with your daughter." Theodore hissed. "You could prevent all of this; all you have to do is talk."
Draco watched in horror at the prone form of the young girl on the floor as her brother twirled above them. His face contorted in pain. Draco watched in horror as Theodore broke the woman. The crowd cheered as the man gave up the location of the safe house.
"Well done, Young Nott. You are as sharp as your father. A true asset." The Dark Lord said. "Crabbe, Goyle go ahead and play with your new toys." He said pointing at the family carelessly.
"No!" Theodore said.
"No?" The dark lord hissed, anger evident in his eyes.
"You gave me a task my Lord." Theodore said bowing his head, "I would like to finish it. Please."
The Dark Lord said nothing, but carelessly flicked his hand and the older Draco watched in horror as Theodore swiftly killed the family of four.
"I see you don't like playing with your toys, do you?" The Dark Lord asked with a sardonic smile.
Theodore shrugged, "Their piteous screams were giving me a headache. In any case, I was raised to not play with my food; it gives the food a chance to fight back."
The dark lord laughed and was soon joined by the other death eaters as they headed inside, leaving the dead bodies in the courtyard. The lower level men would pick them up and throw them away accordingly.
Draco leaned against the wall, wondering how any of them were sane in their adult lives. He was in the black space again. He sank to the floor, head in his hands. He was murderer, he had killed Andromeda's husband, Teddy's grandfather. He was the one to do it. How will she ever forgive him for it? Potter would never let him see Teddy again.
"Don't worry. He will wake up soon." Andromeda's voice echoed through the space.
No! Draco thought despairingly. If he had any say in it, he will never wake up. He didn't want to wake up. He couldn't face her. He wouldn't be able to face her; he wouldn't be able to face Teddy or Astoria. Astoria! He didn't want to wake up. Astoria deserved much better, even if he did wake up he would have to walk away from her. He would have to watch her marry someone better and he didn't think he could live with that. Hatred bubbled inside him, he pulled his hair, screaming in anger. He deserved this darkness, he deserved this pain. For the pain that he had caused, he deserved death. He wished he could die already. But he didn't remember this day, maybe this was a fabricated memory. Maybe he was not a murderer. Maybe he should look a little further.
The room started blurring again, the voices of Astoria and Andromeda became a dull hum in the background.
Draco was on the floor of his room with Theodore. The number of firewhisky bottles suggested that the two of them were drunk beyond belief.
"Are you sure this firewhisky is real?" Theodore slurred.
"I don't know, doesn't seem much effective." Draco replied scrunching his nose.
"I can still hear them." Theo whispered. "Their eyes still haunt me."
"You should have thought about this before you pulled that stupid stunt. 'I have been given a task; I would like to complete it.' Well that's what you get for being an idiot."
"What other option did I have? Leaving them on the mercy of Crabbe? Do you know he branded the girl with an iron poker! You want that for children?" Theodore roared angrily.
"No." Draco said sobering up. "Then you cannot blame yourself. You did the best you could."
"Is that what you did?"
"I don't know. I just couldn't watch him being tortured anymore."
"We are all sorts of messed up, aren't we?"
Draco grinned, "Sometimes I wish he would just kill us and be done with it. I am tired of his theatrics."
"Death will come to us sooner than later my friend. I hope Daphne has a long and happy life after I die. I hope she finds love."
"You love her, don't you? Does she know?"
"Yes, I love her and I will never tell her about the initiation ceremony. She thinks I am some sort of hero, the way she looks at me, it is the only solace I have."
"At least you found love, I would die unloved." Draco said, letting his bottle roll on the floor.
"Is the pity party over?" Snape sneered over their heads.
Draco sat up, "What are you doing in my room? Who invited you in?"
"I did." Narcissa said softly stepping next to Snape.
"Why?" Theodore asked curiously.
"Because you are children; not murderers. You do not kill for the fun of it, your souls are pure."
"Yeah, it's a little late for that speech, Lady Malfoy." Theodore said with a snort. "I tortured and I killed. Look at our forearms, we are not children anymore."
"Yes, you are."
"You are not my mother." Theodore snapped.
"But I was friends with your mother and she would never forgive me, if I let you waste your life away, drowning in your guilt." Narcissa fired back.
"Then what do you want, Mother?" Draco hissed angrily, "How do expect us to not feel guilty for killing perfectly innocent people?"
"By disciplining yourselves and your minds." Snape snapped. "You are not the only victims here. Pick yourselves up and survive."
"Easy for you to say." Theodore muttered.
"Nothing in this situation is easy, boy!" Snape snarled.
"Enough!" Narcissa said sharply. "Severus, if you would."
The older Draco watched as Narcissa obliviated his younger self, Theodore was much faster and blocked off Snape's memory charm.
"No!" Theo said strongly, "I would rather learn to control myself, Professor. I don't want to forget anything."
Snape lowered his wand with a peculiar expression on his face; "Very well, Theodore. I will teach you all that I know." He said with an audible sigh.
"Remember what?" Draco asked groggily.
"His initiation, darling." Narcissa replied softly.
Draco groaned, "Oh no! When did that happen?"
"It was a private affair." Theodore said softly.
"You are not a killer, Theo." Draco said, "You are a healer."
"You would be surprised with what I could do Malfoy." Theodore said with a sad smile. "I should get going though. I will see you tomorrow."
The room went black again, Draco couldn't stop his shaking.
"Nott, his vitals are critically low. We are losing him." A new voice echoed in his peaceful black surroundings. Draco heard some strange ruffling and the distinct click of a door shutting. He felt some kind of pressure and with a jolt he realized that someone was holding his hand.
"Wake up, Draco." Theodore whispered, "If you can hear me, you have to fight this. You are not a killer. You never were. Please wake up, Tori is a mess. Your mother is not faring any better. We need you. I need you. I moved ahead in life, despite all your questions because deep down I knew that you knew the sins I have been trying to atone for. Please don't leave me. Not when I really need you to be the God-father for my first child. We are trying to have one."
Draco covered his ears. He didn't want to wake up. He wanted to die. He was such a worthless weakling. All these years he kept chastising Theodore for not wanting children, he never really understood Theodore's fear. Theodore was not afraid of them not being accepted. No. He was afraid that fate would put him in the same position. He was afraid to wake up someday and watch helplessly as his children suffered at a monster's hands. He was afraid of the horrors people could inflict on his family; the same horrors he had inflicted on others. Yes, the world still hated their lot with a passion. Anything could happen; retribution could come in many ways.
What was the point of waking up? What would be the point of living? He would always live in fear of the horrors of his past. What is the point of living in fear? Life was not worth it. The room started spinning again, but he was so tired of his mind, he just wanted it to end. This time he was in the dungeons. He remembered this one. This was around Christmas.
He watched his younger self, walk in with a tray of food, fear written over his features. The two remaining occupants of the dungeon, Ollivander and Luna were sitting in a corner, talking quietly. He cleared his throat loudly.
"Oh! Draco, hello!" Lovegood said cheerfully, "Mr. Ollivander was just telling me about different kinds of wand wood."
"Fascinating!" His younger self sneered, as he lowered the plate in front of them. He gave a curt nod to Ollivander and turned to leave.
"You are not a bad person, you know." Lovegood said.
Draco whirled around anger seeping through him, "What did you say to me?"
"You need not act here." Lovegood said with a smile. "I understand, you are just as afraid as all of us."
"Why would I be afraid of anything? Especially in my own house?" Draco asked harshly, "You really are loony."
Lovegood gave him a sad smile. "Thank you for the food. I hope you have a good Christmas."
Draco stormed out of the dungeon, without even bothering to give her a reply.
The walls blurred into the blank space again.
Draco shook his head, smiling fondly at the memory. Luna Lovegood was an unusual woman; she showed him compassion even when he was her tormentor. Maybe he should write her a letter, thanking her for her compassion. He felt a slight pressure on his finger.
"You are no fun, Uncle Drake." He heard Teddy say. "Wake up please. I woke up when you asked me to, you should wake up too. You are being rude."
"Bear?" He heard Potter, "You ready to go?"
"Just a minute, Dad."
Draco felt pressure on his chest as Teddy whispered his voice cracking, "Please wake up. I miss you."
Draco wanted to comfort the child on his chest; he could feel the tremors of Teddy's sobs.
"Teddy." Astoria said softly, Draco could feel the gentle brush of her fingers, as she picked Teddy up. "He will be fine. Don't cry."
"Dad!" Teddy wailed, "Why isn't uncle Drake waking up? Is he mad at me?"
"No, TeddyBear." Potter said softly, "He loves you very much. He is just unwell. Here why don't you go with Ginny? I need to talk to Astoria for a minute."
Draco heard footsteps and a soft click of the door.
"Any news?" Astoria asked anxiously.
"Yes. She was a muggleborn witch, she lost her entire family during the war. She believed she was doing you a favour by freeing you from his spell."
"How could she do this? Doesn't she know what it feels like to be hunted?" Astoria asked enraged.
"The world was never divided between good and bad people Astoria. Sometimes, people with the best intentions end up harming you worse." Potter said softly.
Draco didn't know what followed but he heard the soft click of the door, indicating Potter's departure.
Draco felt pressure on his hand again. "Draco, please. Wake up. I need you, now more than ever. I-I-I- I was pregnant Draco, with our child." Astoria sobbed.
"I lost it, with the stress of you being cursed, I miscarried. I didn't even know I was pregnant till I miscarried. Oh! You must hate me for losing our child. Is that why you are not waking up?" She sobbed.
"You are punishing me, aren't you? Say something!" She screamed at him.
"I can't do this alone." She whispered through her sobs, "If you don't wake up, I won't survive for long either. I promise you that."
Draco sank into the darkness, horrified at what he was hearing. She was pregnant, his child, their child and she was facing it all alone. Reality washed over him like ice cold water. She needed him, what a selfish prick he had been to want to die. Theodore had lived with those memories but he had refused to abandon Daphne because she needed him. At the end of the day Theo was a remarkably selfless man and he needed Draco too. As the room started spinning again, Draco summoned all his might to stop the memory. The result being that he was now trapped in a twilight zone, he was aware of the dull hum of Astoria's voice along with a very hazy memory of him being forced to torture some unknown person.
Draco tried to ignore the memory, he needed to wake up, and he focused on moving a finger of the hand Astoria was holding. It took him 20 tries before he could connect with his finger. He tried to twitch it, nothing. Its not that his finger didn't move, but the movement was so small that he was sure Astoria didn't notice anything. He tried again, but failed. He felt exhausted, if only he could sleep here for a while, the room started shifting again.
He was in the room of requirement; Draco closed his eyes as the fire roared around him. He didn't want to remember any of it. He watched as his younger self climbed the rubble in order to save himself. He watched himself get on a broom behind Potter, he watched as Crabbe fell to his death. Pain washed over him, Vincent was not always this evil. When they were young, he was a kind boy, he was also neglected, it was his parents' way of toughening him. Draco remembered how a seven year old Vincent had whimpered piteously when Theo had playfully punched his shoulder apparently his father was used to beating him up to make him tougher. Draco kept staring at the now blank wall, Vincent was not always evil. He became bitter, bitter for being least loved among his cousins. Bitter because Draco and the others had bullied him incessantly, asking him to man up, to act like the pureblood he was. Vince wasn't stupid either; he was made to believe that he was lesser. Draco was slightly relieved that Vincent Crabbe had died that night, during that one year he had changed; he had channelled his anger and moulded himself into a monster.
Draco looked at the now black ceiling, why did he go back to this night? It wasn't the worse of his memories, if he were to be honest, he wasn't even sure how he felt about Vincent's death. He felt something poking his side. He focused on moving his finger again, he needed to tell his mother and Theo that he remembered. He needed to come clean to Andromeda, even if it meant losing Teddy and her forever. Most importantly, he needed to be there for Astoria. This time his finger moved, encouraged Draco tried to move his hand, to shove the nasty thing away from his side. He moved his hand, but that nefarious thing continued to poke at his side. With an almighty effort Draco shoved at the thing, it rolled away and fell on the floor with a loud clutter. The effort exhausted him completely. He wanted to snap at the person jostling him.
"Draco?" Someone asked, "Draco? Can you hear me?"
Draco sat up wildly, he needed to tell them that he remembered.
"You need to lie down." Theo said grabbing his shoulder.
"I know." Draco said, "I know. I remember. Killed. Ted. Tori."
Theodore Nott couldn't make head or tail of Draco's mumbles but nevertheless he watched relieved as his friend passed out again. The spell was broken, Draco would wake up soon enough.
AN: So, Draco would wake up soon. Well you know what to do. Read and review. It is always nice to hear from you.
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Much love,
The fishes