Again, all but my main character's and her dog's names belong to BioWare. : )
For those of you following along, there will be a small confrontation between Kai and Lady Isolde, leading to a bigger one in the next chapter. To borrow the line from Kill Bill, "We have unfinished business." Or, rather my character and Isolde do. And a funeral which has been hard for me to write, despite that I know what comes next.
Again, thank you all for putting me on your favorites and for your reviews. I wish I could tell all you personally but there have been so many I can't keep up. And a big thank you, for hanging in there to see what comes next. : )
Blessings!
When she awoke, it was to sunlight shining through the high windows of her parents' bedroom, Zev wasn't there, just an indentation where he had lain. Kai did a quick look, shift, check, small clothes, double check. She did a mental brow wipe, still dressed as she had been last night. Zev had been nothing but a friend and a gentleman when she felt her eyelids drooping. But she was so filled with longing, she wasn't sure she trusted herself to behave and Zev not to be tempted despite his gentle friendliness towards her.
She got out of bed, washed her face, and quickly dressed in a simple tunic and leggings, as the second pile of clothes turned out to be, a soft pair of leather boots were under the table as well. She didn't suppose they would let her go to the funeral in her sleep shirt and robe. Isolde would not like the tunic and leggings either. Probably, Leli wouldn't be too thrilled come to think of it, but Leli wanted to play dress up, not "I'm better than you," as Isolde did. Kai decided that demons in the Fade could wear pretty dresses and dance the Remigold before she would dress up for the funeral. This was going to be hard enough without itching and sweating in layers of toile and lace. Kai waited expectantly for Alistair's voice to make a comment, but it was silent. She didn't know what that meant.
Alistair's rose was still sitting on the table, and she tucked it in her hair, securing it with a leather tie. Then, she called to Argus who obediently padded to her side. Kai took one last look at the remnants of last night's revels before the servants came in and cleaned up. She would try to take the love and warmth of last night with her to the dreaded event of today. She would not let Anora, the gloating bitch see how crushed and empty she was.
Kai opened the door and walked into the hallway trying to ignore the mental images of Howe's men and their staring, dead eyes after she had run them through and Argus had ripped out their throats. On the night they had tried to get through her parents' bedroom door, she had no time to regret taking their lives. She didn't allow herself to look toward her brother's bedroom, either. She didn't want to see the image of her sister-in-law and her sweet little nephew lying in pools of their own blood.
Maker's breath, this was going to be difficult in so many ways. Kai went to the door on the right, her old room. She knocked and immediately turned back to study the hallway. Dairren, her lover then, died bleeding on her bedroom floor when Howe's men had put an arrow through his heart. It was supposed to be her. His death had given her time to arm herself and kill those who did it. So many bad memories, so much death caused by her or because of her, Maker, how was she ever going to atone for all of that?
She pushed those thoughts away to focus on the memorial she had yet to sit down with the dwarven stone mason about. If she and Alistair had not discussed it, putting up a memorial to Duncan at Highever, she might never have come back. Of course that was before she had known Fergus was alive. But Duncan had been born here, and Alistair had loved him like a son. She could not see Alistair's remains put at Weisshapt so far away from Duncan's memorial. And if she was being honest with herself, Highever was where her parents were laid to rest, after what was left of them had been found dumped unceremoniously on the trash midden behind Highever Castle. Since Alistair was, to her, more than a husband regardless of the lack of a Chantry wedding, she would have him here with her family. She didn't want him far from them either.
"Good morning, little sister." Fergus greeted her with a tug on one of her braids as he had when they were children. He quickly closed the door, perhaps sensing her trepidation in seeing her old room and the memories there, just as Fergus wasn't in his old room for the same reasons. Who knew memories could cut deeper than any blade? Fergus put his arm around her waist, "Let's go get some breakfast." He kissed her hair and smiled at her like old times.
As they walked through the castle, Kai was surprised that the damage from Howe seemed to be minimal, or had been cleaned up and repaired quickly. She shouldn't have been surprised, she supposed, after all, Howe wanted to take over Highever, not destroy it. "It wasn't as extensive as it probably looked to you that night, little sister." Fergus echoed her thoughts yet again. Andraste's knickers, the only other person who could complete her thoughts or even read her face so well was Alistair, and today she was cremating his body so his ashes could be put in a memorial that had yet to be made. Her heart squeezed in her chest painfully.
They made their way to the dining hall. Arl Eamon and Arlessa Isolde were there, as was Eamon's brother Teagan. Teagan was speaking with Leliana & Oghren. Well Leli mostly, as Oghren was slurping up porridge with occasional responses given through a mouthful of oats. He would stop his slurping to bite a greasy sausage in half with bits falling into his beard. Had he thinned his porridge with beer? Kai watched as Oghren poured ale from the mug in front of him into the bowl. Yep, beer and porridge, well it was all grains if you thought about it.
Sten was sitting next to Oghren with a look of disgust on his face, which on Sten's almost immobile features meant a slight crimping at the corners of his eyes and mouth. Shale, though she did not eat, was standing behind Sten watching Oghren with the same look. Zev was nowhere to be seen. He may have come in early and left before Kai got here. She imagined that sleeping sitting up against a hard wooden bed frame was not conducive to a good night's rest.
Kai and Fergus helped themselves to bowls of porridge ladled from the big pot sitting on the buffet table, Kai drizzled hers with honey and her favorite spices and a little cream, and she didn't think she could handle beer in it. There were also more cookies she saw, as well as little sweet buns swirled with spice and drizzled with honey and crushed nuts, that along with assorted fruits, weak ales, water, and juices, were on one side of the buffet table. On the other, there was ham and bacon, small sausages, and scrambled eggs. Kai eyed the ham to make sure it wasn't nug shaped.
Fergus must have told the new cook to make those sticky buns. They were one of her favorites. The cook, Kai almost toppled her bowl, the new cook, Nan, dear, cranky old Nan. The woman who had helped raise her and then became the cook. Nan whose lifeless body she had stepped over to get to her father. Kai swallowed hard against a sudden roll of nausea. Argus whined and pressed close. He tilted his head at her giving her worried eyes. "I was just thinking of Nan," she explained. Argus whined again and his eyes became sad. "I know you miss her too. She isn't here for you to confound anymore just to amuse yourself." Kai smiled and patted his big flat head.
That statement led to the memory of Ser Gilmore, a treasured friend, who in their first and last kiss confessed his love, and who manned the gates to let Kai and Mother find her father. Ser Gilmore, whose tortured and rotting corpse she had seen when she was escaping from Fort Drakon after Anora's little betrayal. Kai felt the nausea getting worse. Andraste's flaming sword, would it always be like this, one terrible memory leading to another? Despair almost swallowed her whole. She focused on patting Argus until the feeling stopped so she wouldn't run screaming from the room.
Argus barked and looked meaningfully at her bowl of porridge. "Ah, ham on your porridge, yes?" Kai asked him, focusing on the here and now, Argus barked, "Oh, and bacon too? You better watch that you don't get fat and lazy eating so well." Argus whined. "Okay, if you say so, bacon and ham it is." Kai smiled at him and ladled porridge for Argus laying ham and bacon top.
She made her way to the table and sat across from Teagan and Leliana. She set Argus's bowl down so he could eat. Teagan stood up as she sat, "My lady, it is good to see you up and about." Teagan smiled at her and took her hand and grazed her knuckles lightly with his lips. "We were worried about you." Kai caught the angry look that flashed across Lady Isolde's face.
Eamon stood as well and gave her hand the same treatment. Isolde's look had been what, jealousy? Kai was not surprised. Any man who paid less attention to Isolde was upsetting to Isolde. The thought struck her that Isolde and Anora were actually very much alike.
"Please gentlemen, I became just Kai, when I was made a Gray Warden. While it is flattering, the usual political niceties are not necessary. You didn't do them when I was at Redcliffe or Denerim, please don't do them now just because I'm home." Kai felt a blush creeping up her neck.
Teagan laughed. "I am afraid that our early training is hard to do away with, my...Kai," Teagan managed to stop himself. "When you were at Redcliffe you were dressed in leather armor splattered with who knows what, it was a little easier to forget you were Lady Cousland."
"Well, I hardly look like a lady now, either. So just keep forgetting that I am, Okay?"
Kai heard Isolde mutter under her breath, "That is certainly true." Kai allowed herself a smirk at Isolde's expense.
"Where is Anora?" Kai couldn't bring herself to call her 'queen.'
"Oh, she is taking breakfast in her quarters, away from the 'unwashed masses'," Teagan said with a smile at Kai. He leaned forward and whispered. "Why, do you miss her company, dear lady?"
"Teagan!", Isolde exclaimed, "Really, she is going to be our queen."
Kai leaned toward Teagan and smiled. "Hardly, and I doubt very much she misses my company, either."
"That would definitely be true," Fergus broke in with a grin at Teagan.
Teagan's smile left his face, and he became serious. "Kai, I am sorry for your loss. I know that Alistair was...important, to you," Teagan went on delicately.
Kai looked down at her bowl, hands clenched in her lap where they couldn't see. She made her face a neutral mask before she dared look up again. "He wasn't just important. I loved him, with all my heart. But, thank you Teagan, I know he was important to you as well. You weren't his uncle by blood, but he always thought of you and Eamon as such." Kai looked at Eamon whose eyes had gone bright.
"Eamon," Kai began slowly. "Alistair always regretted his behavior towards you when you came to visit him at the Chantry. He always wanted to apologize to you, he...he knew..." Kai had trouble keeping her composure. "He knew you cared for him, and so did I, after I found his mother's amulet while you were comatose. You had it repaired, I...I gave it to him. It meant so much to him, and he meant to ask you about it, to talk to you about your repairing it and saving it for him. It meant more than he could say. I hope you don't mind that I gave it to him." Kai couldn't continue – grief, despair, and anger were threatening to break down the numbing barrier that encased them.
"I...I don't mind that you did. I'm glad you did, I always wanted to beg his forgiveness, especially after he helped save me...I" Eamon's voice began to crack, and he simply gasped out, "Thank you, I am glad you told me, if you will all please excuse me?" And with that Eamon left the dining hall.
Kai watched him go, wishing the memory had brought him comfort instead of pain, but maybe, as with all such things, in time it would be a good memory and not a sad one. She felt she made the right decision to tell him, Alistair would have wanted her to, would have forgiven Eamon, it was his way. She could think of no more fitting a thing on this day of all days. Kai took a horn spoon and scooped up porridge covering for the silence she had caused with Eamon's leaving. It was after a couple of spoonfuls that Kai realized Isolde was staring at her with an angry glare. Kai simply returned her look and cocked an eyebrow; it was Isolde who looked away. Teagan reached across the table and gave her wrist a gentle tug, smiled and winked at her. It was then that Isolde got up in a huff and left.
"You seem to be good at clearing a room, Warden," Oghren grinned down the table at her. "I thought I was the only one with that talent." Teagan and Fergus both laughed, Sten and Shale just glared at the dwarf, and Leliana put her face in her hands.
Kai smiled, but found she had no appetite. The porridge seemed to be sitting in her stomach in a ball. "If you will all excuse me? I think I may have cleared myself out of the room as well. What time is the funer...ceremony?" Kai couldn't even bring herself to say the word "funeral" out loud.
"In about two hours, dear lady. Anora wanted to have it early and then start towards Denerim. Since you are awake and one of those being honored, you will need to go too," Teagan supplied, looking across at her. "As I understand it, there are huge crowds amassing in Denerim to see the one who saved us all."
"Then they should be here, the one who saved them lies on a stone slab awaiting pyre and the torch." She hadn't meant it to sound so harsh, but there it was. She had just tossed it out there like the dead and mouldering rabbit Argus had put in Morrigan's pack oh so long ago, when Alistair was still alive.
Whatever was the matter with her, all of her noble training seemed to have been left behind somewhere, probably in the Deep Roads. That place had a way of burning away the non-essentials with its horrors. She stood up, a flush creeping across her cheeks as she balled her fists. "I am so terribly sorry. I don't know what has come over me. I think I need some air, and..." She couldn't finish, she simply turned and almost ran from the dining hall.