Maggie's Love: It would be easier on me if everyone felt that way. Thank you for having faith in me…it's good to know at least one person does lol.
Chapter 3 – Life's Too Short
Rachel stared at her dress in the mirror; it was the third one she had put on, but she still didn't know if it was the right one. She doubted anyone would really notice what she was wearing or judge her for it, but she still felt like she needed to get this right. She wanted to look her best out of respect for Shelby. Logically she knew it didn't really matter, but it still felt like it was important, so she was going to keep trying on clothes until something felt right.
And she didn't think this dress was right. She sighed and removed it, grabbing the first thing she had tried on; it was a simple black dress and she wanted to see what it looked like again. She put the dress on for a second time and was looking at it in the mirror when there was a light knock on her door.
"Come in," she said as she looked at herself.
"I just wanted to check on you," Leroy said as he poked his head into the room.
"I'm fine," Rachel said. "Just trying to find the right dress."
Whether she was fine or not was debatable, but she didn't want her father to worry. Truthfully, Rachel was still feeling fairly numb to everything. She didn't know if she was still in a bit of shock or what was going on, but other than a few random tears here and there, the only time she really cried was the few hours after receiving the news. Rachel was used to crying—she seemed to do it all the time while performing an emotional song—but now that she should be crying, she wasn't.
"Are you going to wear that one?" Leroy asked, coming all the way into the room.
"I don't know," Rachel replied. "Does it look alright?"
"It looks lovely," Leroy said.
Rachel hummed as she looked into the mirror; it was definitely better than the last thing she had put on. She wished she had brought more choices with her, but she really only brought the three. Most of the clothes in her closet were things she had worn in high school and she wasn't about to wear one of them.
"Are you really fine?" Leroy asked.
Rachel sighed. "I don't know. I feel like I should be sadder."
"The way you are feeling is perfectly normal," Leroy assured her. "People react to death differently; there isn't a correct way to feel. Some people cry, some people don't feel anything, and some people make jokes—none of them are any less right than the other."
Rachel nodded. "Thank you."
"Are you almost ready?" Leroy asked.
"Yes," Rachel replied. "I'll be down in a minute."
"Take your time," Leroy said before leaving the room.
As she looked in the mirror, she knew this still wasn't the right dress, but the one she really wanted was in her closet in New York, so this would have to do. The previous day Kurt had suggested going shopping as a way to take her mind off things and she was really starting to wish she had taken him up on his offer. It would have been a nice distraction and maybe she could have found something better to wear. It was too late for that now, though; this was going to have to do.
She looked at the clock on her nightstand and realized they were going to be late if she took much more time, and they couldn't be late. She grabbed her purse from under her discarded dresses on the bed and headed out. Normally she would never leave her room in such a state, but she didn't want to be rude and disrespectful by showing up late.
"Hiram," Leroy called out to his husband.
"Are you going?" Hiram asked, walking into the foyer.
"Yes," Rachel replied. "I'm finally ready."
Leroy smiled at Rachel and offered her his arm; she looped her arm through his and he kissed the side of her head. At least she had her fathers to help her through this.
They were the first three to arrive at the funeral home, and Rachel was happy to see that they were not late. As she walked inside, her eyes immediately fell on the casket at the front of the room; the lid on it was shut since they opted for a closed casket. There had been some debate about what type of funeral it would be. Much like Rachel, one of Shelby's parents was Jewish while the other was not. Rachel knew from one of her emails that Shelby celebrated both the Jewish and Christian holidays, so she had no idea what type of ceremony Shelby would have liked. Instead of going with one type, Rachel decided to go with a sort of hybrid to honor both sides of Shelby.
"Will you be okay?" Leroy asked.
Rachel nodded but didn't say anything. Leroy squeezed her shoulder, and he and Hiram walked off; Rachel guessed they were going to find the funeral director, but she didn't really know. Instead of going with them, she stood at the back of the room for several minutes. Finally, she took a deep breath and walked up the aisle.
She stopped just short of the casket and stared at it for a moment before looking at the flowers that adorned the top. She had no idea what type of flower they were; she only asked the florist to make sure they were purple—Shelby's favorite color—and left the rest up to her. They were beautiful, though, and Rachel was happy she left it up to the florist.
"Rachel Berry," a voice sounded from the other side of the room, and Rachel turned to find Jesse St. James.
"Hello, Jesse," Rachel greeted.
It had been a while since she had seen Jesse; his hair was a bit shorter, but he still looked the same. He was smiling sadly as he walked up to her, and he immediately wrapped his arms around her. She put her hand on his chest and closed her eyes as she returned the hug. It was nice to have a familiar face around, and even though they were more acquaintances now than friends, she felt safe in his arms.
"I'm glad you're here," Rachel said.
"I wish I didn't have to be," Jesse replied.
"I wish none of us had to be," Rachel said, sighing.
"I can't believe she's gone," he said, releasing her from the hug. "I just talked to her last week; we talked about Nationals coming up. She was thinking of coming to New York to watch us, and she talked about stopping by to see you."
"Really?" Rachel asked.
"It's too bad she won't be around to see Vocal Adrenaline beat the New Directions," Jesse commented. "I'm sure she would have enjoyed it as much as I'm going to."
Rachel couldn't help but laugh; it seemed like every time they spoke—apparently even at wakes—it always came back to their old Glee Club rivalry. It was nice having a bit of normalcy in an otherwise abnormal week, though.
"What's the chances this place has coffee?" Jesse asked.
"I think there is a room downstairs with food," Rachel commented.
"Would you care to join me?" he asked.
Rachel thought of declining since she should be around in case people came in, but she knew her fathers were around and would probably be back anytime. "Coffee sounds nice, actually."
"After you," Jesse said, motioning for her.
A few minutes after going downstairs with Jesse, Hiram came looking for her. He told her to take all the time she needed, though, and he would go upstairs. It was nice talking to Jesse and she was surprised at how quickly time went by. He had never been one to get very emotional, and while she knew he was sad about Shelby, he tended to talk about other things, which is what she needed at the moment. While they were downstairs, other people came in and out of the room; the ones that knew who she was offered their condolences, but they were mostly left to themselves. Eventually, Rachel knew she needed to go back up; part of her wished she could hide in this room for the remainder of the time, though.
When she went back upstairs, there were considerably more people in the room—which wasn't saying much since it had only been her and Jesse. There were several dozen people there now, most of which she had never seen in her life. Quite a few of them were younger and she assumed most of them had been former students of Shelby's. As she made her way toward the middle of the room, she spotted Kurt with Burt and Carole, and turned to join them.
"There you are," Kurt said as soon as he saw her. "I was wondering where you were hiding."
"I was downstairs with Jesse," Rachel replied.
Kurt didn't look impressed; he and Jesse had never really gotten along.
"How are you holding up?" Carole asked, giving her a quick hug.
"I'm not actually sure," Rachel admitted.
"It's to be expected," Burt said, putting his hand on her shoulder. "This isn't easy, but you have people around that love you, so don't you forget that. And if you ever need anything, you know we're here for you. We all know what it's like to go through this, so if you need anything—even if it's just to talk—you know where to find us."
"Hey," Finn said from behind her.
"We're going to go say hello to your dads," Carole said, grabbing Burt's arm, and pulling him away.
"That was subtle," Kurt mumbled to Rachel.
"Are you coming, Kurt?" Carole asked over her shoulder.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I'll be back in a moment."
Rachel turned to the tall boy and was instantly pulled into a hug. She was a little surprised he was here; she was only expecting Kurt to come, not the whole Hudson-Hummel clan.
"I was unaware you were coming," Rachel commented.
Finn shrugged as he let her go. "I didn't know if you'd want me here, but I came anyway in case you did."
"I'm glad you're here," she said being completely truthful.
"Good," Finn said, smiling. "So, umm, how long are you staying in Lima? Are you heading back after tomorrow or are you going to be around for a couple of days? Because I was thinking maybe we could have dinner—or lunch, whatever you're more comfortable with. Maybe even just coffee, but I thought maybe we could catch up. No interior motives, I promise."
"Ulterior," Rachel corrected. "And we'll see, okay? I'm not sure how long I'm going to be here, but I do have something to take care of before I go back."
"That's cool; just let me know," Finn replied.
Rachel nodded and watched as Kurt began making his way over to her. She could see him watching them closely from the moment he left, and she was surprised he had shown this much restraint. She didn't know what he was afraid of, though; she and Finn were over a long time ago, and Kurt should know she no longer had feelings for the boy.
"How are things over here?" Kurt asked with a very fake smile.
"I was just about to join mom and Burt," Finn said.
"You do that," Kurt replied.
"Later, Rachel," Finn said before turning and walking away.
"You know, you don't have to get concerned every time I speak with Finn," Rachel stated.
"I'm just making sure you're not going to make the same mistakes you've made in the past," Kurt replied. "I know under normal circumstances you would never go there again, but it's a stressful time and you may be more inclined to do certain things, and I don't want you to do something you're going to regret later."
"While I appreciate your concern, you have nothing to worry about," Rachel said. "My relationship with Finn is in the past—a past that I have no desire of repeating. Now if you'll excuse me for a moment, I see something I need to speak with."
For the first time, Rachel noticed Puck on the other side of the room, and she really needed to speak with him. She didn't know his number to call him and she didn't want to ask Kurt to ask Finn for it. She did tell them to tell him about the funeral details like he had asked, though, so she had been hoping he would be here.
"H—"
"Can we talk for a minute," Rachel asked, cutting off what she presumed would be a greeting or condolences from him.
"Yeah, sure," he replied, looking a little confused.
"I didn't want you to hear this from someone else," Rachel said as she led them to a quieter corner of the room.
"Did something happen to Beth?" Puck quickly asked.
"No, nothing like that," Rachel replied. "You asked me at the hospital what was going to happen to Beth."
Puck stared at her. "And you know now?"
"Shelby wished for me to raise her in the event of her death," Rachel stated.
"So—does that mean you're going to?" Puck asked.
"I have decided to try," Rachel replied. "A judge must grant the request, though, so I don't know if it will actually happen, but I want to."
Puck nodded. "That's good."
"You're okay with it?" Rachel asked.
"I'm just happy it's not a stranger, you know?" Puck said.
"I don't actually know what's going to happen, though," Rachel stressed. "I don't know if a judge will give Beth to a nineteen year old, and legally I'm not related to her. I am Leroy and Hiram Berry's child. Her lawyer, Mr. Wyatt, said he has a letter from her declaring her wishes, so hopefully that is taken into consideration."
"At least you're trying," Puck said, shrugging.
"Have you talked to Quinn at all?" Rachel asked.
"A little," he replied. "She hasn't really said anything."
"Considering what happened senior year, I'm a little surprised she isn't trying to file to be Beth's guardian," Rachel remarked.
"I think she likes to forget it all," Puck said. "She hasn't mentioned Beth since that happened."
"Oh," Rachel replied.
"I'd try," Puck stated. "If I was older, you know?" He shook his head. "My life is shit, though, and I'd never be able to do it now. Plus, what judge would give her to someone that gave her up? I don't deserve her."
"Don't be so hard on yourself," Rachel said, putting her hand on his bicep. "You and Quinn did what was best for her; you gave her to someone that loved her and could take care of her."
"Didn't do much good," Puck replied.
"That was an unforeseen event," Rachel said.
"Yeah," Puck said softly.
"I need to go check on something, but we'll talk again later, okay?" Rachel said, glancing across the room.
Puck nodded. "I'll probably duck out early, but I'll make sure I get you my number."
"Okay," Rachel said, removing her hand from Puck's arm.
Alexander Wyatt had just walked through the door and Rachel wanted to see if anything had changed since they last spoke. She looked over her shoulder at Kurt, who was watching her closely. She still hadn't told her best friend about calling the lawyer two days ago. Part of her was afraid Kurt would tell her she was making the wrong decision or that he no longer wished to be roommates if Beth were to come with them. She needed to tell him sooner or later, though; he deserved to know since the decision wasn't only going to be changing Rachel's life, but also Kurt's. Rachel just hoped he didn't decide to move out of their apartment; she was going to need him if she did become Beth's guardian. She didn't know if she could do it alone.
She heard the footsteps coming, and before she looked or anyone said anything, she knew it would be Kurt. Sure enough, a few moments later he said, "There you are."
"I knew you would find me sooner or later," Rachel said, smiling to herself.
"I saw you sneak out," Kurt said, walking up beside her. "I thought you might have gone downstairs and then I checked the front of the building, and eventually realized this was out here."
"It's nice, isn't it," Rachel commented.
"So, what are you doing out here?" Kurt asked
Rachel sighed. "I was feeling overwhelmed."
"Well, I'm glad you walked out when you did," Kurt replied. "I'm not one for religious ceremonies, and people kept glancing out of the corner of their eyes at me as if they were wondering why I wasn't praying with them." Kurt cleared his throat. "So—what were you talking to the lawyer about?"
"I wanted to know if anything had changed since we discussed things this morning," Rachel replied.
"What sort of things?" Kurt asked, sitting down on the bench with her.
Rachel looked around for a moment; they were sitting in a small flower garden that was behind the funeral home. It was very calming, but she supposed that's why it was here. People could come out here and get away from all the stress and sadness for a moment. She could feel Kurt's eyes on her and she took a deep breath before turning to him to answer his question.
"I told him I would like to be Beth's guardian if I was deemed appropriate," Rachel replied. "I couldn't bear the thought of Beth going to complete strangers or worse. What if she never got adopted again and ended up in foster home after foster home? I know Shelby and I were not close; she didn't really want me as a daughter and it hurt, and what hurt the most was when she adopted Beth. She had just rejected me and then went and found herself a new daughter. That's not Beth's fault, though; she's just a little girl and she lost the only family she knows. I can't deny Shelby's final wish, and if that final wish is for me to take care of her daughter, I'll do it."
"Are you really ready to be a mother?" Kurt asked.
"No," Rachel honestly said. "I don't have a choice, though."
"You do," Kurt replied.
Rachel sighed and shook her head. "No, I don't."
"I'm not surprised," Kurt commented.
"Why are you not surprised?" Rachel asked.
"Because I know you, Rachel Berry," Kurt replied. "You have a big heart and family matters to you—even if that family didn't always act the way it should. I know how it hurt when she came into your life and then left like she did, but you're one of the most forgiving people I know, which is good since we probably wouldn't be friends if you hadn't forgive me for some of the less than nice things I have said and done in the past. My point is you and Shelby had a rocky relationship, but she was still your biological mother, and even though you share no genetics with her, you still think of Beth as your sister, so of course you want to take her."
"I think you've been living with me for too long," Rachel said, laughing lightly. "You're starting to ramble like I do."
Kurt huffed. "I'm not rambling. Okay, I am, but it's only because I don't always know what to say right now."
"I'm going to stay in Lima until everything is sorted out," Rachel said. "Hopefully it won't be more than a few weeks; Mr. Wyatt said that because of the circumstances, they're pushing to get a court date quickly so a decision can be made."
"What are you going to do about school?" Kurt asked.
"I have contacted NYADA to let them know I am taking an extended leave," Rachel replied. "They have given me an extension for the showcase; currently they have pushed it back a week, so hopefully I will be back in New York by then." Rachel looked at Kurt. "You know—I would understand if you want to find a different roommate. If the judge grants the request, Beth will be moving in, and that is a huge change, so I would understand."
"Is this your way of trying to get rid of me?" Kurt asked, nudging his shoulder into hers.
"No," Rachel replied. "You know I don't want you to go anywhere, but I'm saying I would understand why you would want to leave."
"Rachel, I'm not going anywhere," Kurt said, putting his chin on her shoulder. "I think you're going to need someone around to help you take care of a four year old."
"Good, because you're right—I am going to need all the help I can get," Rachel said, smiling at him. "I've never so much as babysat before, so this is going to be an entirely new experience for me."
"Any judge would be crazy to give Beth to us to raise," Kurt said with a laugh.
"Let's hope for a crazy judge then," Rachel replied.
Rachel had been lying in bed for several hours, but no matter how long she laid there, she couldn't seem to fall asleep. She didn't really understand it, either; it had been a very long day and she was tired—exhausted really—but her mind just wasn't cooperating. She was thinking too much and she suspected it was what was causing her sleeplessness. This had been the most stressful week of her life, though, and it was hard to just relax. She even tried listening to music, but it only seemed to make the problem worse; each song that came through her headphones seemed to remind of her something or someone.
She glanced at the clock; it was a little after one, which meant she needed to be up in under six hours at the absolute latest, though she would have preferred to be able to get up and use her elliptical, but that looked like it wasn't going to happen. They needed to be at the funeral home by ten; they were having a service in the morning followed by Shelby's burial. After that, Hiram and Leroy were throwing a memorial of sorts at the house. They thought it would be nice to end on a positive note—to remember the happier times and celebrate Shelby's life rather than focusing on her death.
Rachel sighed and threw her covers aside; she was tired of lying there and decided to head downstairs to watch some television. She hoped her father still had his copy of Simply Irresistible on DVD; it was one of Hiram's favorite movies, though Leroy hated it and usually tried to hide it, so he didn't have to watch it again. It never failed to put Rachel to sleep, though, and she was hoping Leroy hadn't managed to do away with the movie.
As she opened the door and walked toward the stairs, she noticed a light coming from downstairs. She wondered if one of her fathers had accidently left the kitchen light on, but then she heard Leroy's voice. She headed down the stairs, and as she turned at the bottom, she saw both Leroy and Hiram in the kitchen. She stood still for a moment, eavesdropping on their conversation, but when she realized they weren't discussing anything in particular, she decided to go into the kitchen.
"What are you doing up?" Leroy asked the moment he saw her.
Rachel sighed as she pulled out on of the stools and joined her fathers at the kitchen island. "I couldn't sleep."
"Us either," Hiram said, taking a drink of what smelled like coffee.
"I don't think that caffeine is going to help anything," Rachel said, smiling at her father.
"No, but it tastes so good," Hiram replied.
"Plus, it's decaf," Leroy added.
Rachel laughed lightly. "I thought I would come downstairs and watch Simply Irresistible—if Daddy hasn't managed to get rid of the movie yet."
"I haven't been able to find it for the past year," Hiram said with a sigh as he shot his husband a dirty look.
"I'm sorry to say it's long gone," Leroy said to Rachel. "Although, I'm not really sorry because that movie is terrible."
"Too bad," Rachel said, standing up to pour herself a cup of coffee. "It never failed to make me fall asleep."
"So why can't you sleep?" Leroy asked.
Rachel shrugged and put a little bit of sugar in her coffee. "Too much on my mind."
"Are you worried about Beth, thinking about Shelby, or is it just a general thing?" Hiram asked.
"All of the above," Rachel replied. "It's no secret that I always hoped one day Shelby and I could get to know each other and have more of a relationship, and I just keep thinking how that will never happen now. You always think you're going to have more time to do things, so you put them off, but then one day it's too late. You waited too long and you'll never have the chance."
"We all have those things we regret," Hiram said, put his hand over Rachel's. "When I was fifteen I snuck out of the house and took the car even though I was not old enough to drive. I ended up sideswiping a car on the street and put the car back in the garage, hoping no one would see what happened. Well, your aunt got blamed for it and I still feel guilty that I never told my mom the truth. I always planned to, but like you said—I always thought I would have more time."
Rachel stared into her coffee for a moment and then looked up so see both of her fathers watching her. Sighing, she looked down again and said, "I'm worried about what's going to happen next."
"Do you mean with Beth?" Leroy asked.
Rachel nodded and took a sip of her coffee.
"Are you worried a judge isn't going to grant the guardianship?" Hiram asked.
"I don't know if I'm more worried about that or if I'm more worried that he will grant it," Rachel admitted.
"We know it's a big responsibly, but we also have complete faith in you," Hiram replied. "You've always excelled at everything you have done and I don't believe this will be an exception. I was terrified when we found out we were going to have a daughter; as much as I wanted you, I had no experience with children, and I was afraid I was going to mess everything up. It was exciting, but I also think it was the most scared I've been in my life. I like to think I did okay, though, even if I did have no idea what I was doing for the first couple years."
Rachel smiled. "You did a wonderful job."
"And you will too," Hiram stated.
"Shelby chose you for a reason," Leroy said. "She obviously trusted you enough and believed you were capable of this. Just remember that."
"And also remember that we're only a two hour flight away," Hiram added. "You know we will be here for you and help in any way that we can; all you have to do is call and we'll be on the next flight to New York."
Rachel nodded, smiling, and set her coffee mug aside. "I think I'll go upstairs and try to sleep again."
"Is your mind a little clearer now?" Leroy asked.
"It is," Rachel said, hugging Leroy, and then turning to hug Hiram. "Thank you."
"What are fathers for?" Hiram said, hugging her back.
"I love you," Rachel said, kissing Hiram's cheek and then leaning up to kiss Leroy's.
"We love you too, baby girl," Leroy replied.
As she headed for her room she felt a little more confident; if she could even do half as good as her fathers had done raising her, she knew Beth would turn out just fine. All she could really do right now, though, was wait and hope the judge would see that and allow her the opportunity to be Beth's guardian.