Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.
Hope you like this one. A little angst and a little kissing is just what Sydrian moments should be made of. Review and let me know what you think!
Closing my eyes I took a deep breath and exhaled out slowly through my nose. I clenched and unclenched my fists in my lap, causing my knuckles to turn white. I was nervous. Beyond nervous, really. I felt like I was having a panic attack as the driver pulled the big, black SUV up in front of the palace of the Moroi Queen.
It wasn't so much being in a place populated by vampires that was making me so nervous. I'd been to the Moroi Court before. I'd even met the Moroi Queen. I'd had lunch with her once, actually. No. It wasn't the Moroi presence that scared me. It was the prospect of seeing a few specific Moroi and damphirs that made my breathing run shallow and caused my stomach to twist into knots.
Such a coward, I told myself.
The worst part was that I knew it was true. I knew that I never would have stepped back into this place if I hadn't been forced to do so for work. I had a meeting scheduled with Lissa, the Queen and Rose Hathaway's best friend. The Alchemists were still trying to further relations between our group and the Moroi and this meeting was a part of that. I'd been selected for the job because of my past relationship with this particular group.
I'd not only helped clear Rose's name when she'd been accused of murder, but I'd also helped guard the Queen's sister Jill after she'd been attacked by rebels looking to unseat Lissa from the throne. Luckily all of that had been resolved a little over a year ago and I had been reassigned to a cushier job, meaning I had become nothing more than a paper pusher who never had to deal with vampires. Until now, of course.
I bit my lip to stop a panicked laugh from escaping me as I pushed open my door and exited the car. The Alchemists chose me for this assignment because of my relationship with these people. If they only knew what my relationship with them was actually like they'd have sent me to a re-education center instead.
A guardian helped me with my bag and led me into the building. He was older, in his thirties, probably, with dark hair and a thick build. He could probably carry my bag and me around for the rest of the day and not even be winded, I thought trying to distract myself.
"If you'll follow me, Miss, I'll take you to your room," he said kindly.
After I went to my room and freshened up for my meeting I started to worry about what today would bring. It wasn't that I had parted ways badly with any of these people, it was just that I hadn't seen them in so long. After I'd been reassigned I, of course, hadn't been able to keep in touch with them. And now I'd be seeing them again, or some of them at least, and I wasn't sure how to feel. I was sort of excited, but also terrified of their reactions. What if they hated me now? They'd been my friends, my best friends, and in their eyes it must have seemed like I had abandoned them.
A knock sounded at the door and my stomach clenched.
This is it, I thought.
I took a deep breath and pulled the door open. A willowy girl with light brown hair stood in front of me. Her pale green eyes widened when they saw me and she rushed forward, throwing her skinny arms around me.
"It is you!" Jill cried. Her voice sounded thick with emotion and she held onto me as if I might disappear if she let go. "I knew an Alchemist was coming but I didn't think it would be you. I didn't want to get my hopes up. Again. But then I saw you from my window when you got out of the car. I was sure it was you, but I had to come and see to be certain."
I hugged her back and blinked back a few tears. It was so good to see her. And she didn't seem hate me. She'd missed me.
She pulled away and smiled, her own tears making her eyes shine. "I'm so glad it's you. I missed you so much. We all have."
"I know," I said smiling back at her. "I missed you guys, too. So much. I'm sorry I couldn't visit or anything. You know how the Alchemists are though."
She nodded and I realized she probably understood about the Alchemists better than the others did. She'd seen and heard all about them through the spirit bond she shared with Adrian.
Adrian.
I hadn't dared think that name in so long. Certainly not since I found out I was coming to Court. It wasn't like he'd be here waiting for me. He was probably still out in California somewhere. Hopefully still attending a college or doing something with his art.
The thought of him unleashed a variety of different emotions within me and I could barely pretend to be listening to whatever Jill was rambling on about.
Out of everyone, Adrian and I were the only ones who hadn't been on the best terms when I'd left. He'd been in love with me and I had to admit, at least to myself, that I'd cared for him too. Maybe I'd even loved him. In the end, he was angry with me because I'd refused to give up the Alchemists and take control of my life. I'd argued that he was only saying that because I didn't choose him. I had made my decision based on what I thought was best and I had been in control.
I reminded myself of that every night when I fell asleep and every morning when I woke up alone.
"Everyone is going to be psyched when they see it's you," Jill was saying. She grabbed my hand and tugged me out the door. "Come on. You're ready, right? You weren't in the middle of doing something?" she asked as an afterthought.
I told her I was ready, even though I wasn't. I wasn't ready at all, even with Jill's warm reception. But that didn't stop me from following her through the halls and into the Queen's Chambers, as Jill called them.
It turned out it wasn't her living quarters as I'd been expecting. The Queen's Chambers were nothing more than a regular looking conference room. Other than the huge and expensive mahogany table in the center of the room you wouldn't have thought this place fit for a queen. Maybe a CEO.
I wondered, briefly, if Lissa thought of herself more of a CEO than a Queen at all. From the way she sat at the table, people and papers all around her, I thought she might.
"Rose, Lissa," Jill called across the room excitedly. "Look who's here!"
She pushed me into the room ahead of her. From my new vantage point I could see Rose standing at attention off to the left of Lissa. When she saw me she broke into a smile and walked over. Lissa put down the paper she was reading and stood.
"Give us a few minutes," she said to the flurry of people around her. I figured they must have been a mix of guardians and other royals she was working with. The people left instantly, closing the door behind them just as Rose dragged me into a hug.
"It's so good to see, Sydney. We didn't know they were sending you," she said.
I smiled but was unsure what to say. Especially when Lissa came over and gave me a small hug.
"Jill, call Eddie and Angeline. Tell them they'll be needed tonight." She turned back to me. "They're going to so happy to see you. We'll have to have dinner tonight. Adrian might even show up for once."
My heart squeezed painfully in my chest at his name. My first thought was, Adrian's here? followed immediately by, He might show up? I turned to look at Jill, but the second our eyes met she pulled out her phone and started texting. She refused to look at me.
I put on my best smile and said how great dinner would be and then asked if Lissa was ready for our meeting. She'd seen no reason to put it off when we were both right here, so we'd gotten it out of the way. Really, I was just updating her about the Alchemists' experiments with vampire blood and spirit and she'd done the same with the Moroi research.
"Is Sonya still working on it?" I asked. Sonya had been such a strong proponent of spirit research and finding a cure for Strigoi that I doubted she would have quit.
"She is," Rose informed me. "Adrian's been doing a lot, as well. Between that and school he's barely had any time to party or get wasted. Or even show up at group dinners," she muttered under her breath like it was a fact that annoyed her.
She laughed like it was a joke, but her words effected me in a way she'd never realize.
Adrian was still researching spirit? And he was in school?
My heart thrummed with pride and joy, but it was double sided. I was proud of him and excited to possibly see him, but could I see him? Could I stand to physically be in the same room as someone I'd hurt so badly? I wasn't sure.
I was such a coward.
When we were finished Rose walked me out. "I'm glad they sent you, Sydney. Everyone's really missed you and I know they'll be happy to see you at dinner."
"And I can't wait to see them," I said sincerely. No matter what a terrible coward I was, I really was glad to see my friends again.
"Can you find your way back to your room?" She asked. I assured her I could handle it and set out to retrace my steps back through the halls.
Ten minutes later I wasn't sure why I hadn't just asked for help. I felt like I'd been wandering in a circle since parting ways with Rose. I took a breath, trying to remember which direction I'd come from, but it was no use. Instead of continuing my useless search I headed back to the main entrance. Certainly I could find way to my room from there.
I'd just made my way back to the beautiful palace foyer when someone came in through the front door.
As soon as I saw him I stopped in my tracks. He looks exactly the same, I thought. Tall, pale, dark brown hair styled in a messy but attractive way. He was still annoyingly good looking and time had only managed to make him seem more appealing. His green eyes, greener than anyone I'd ever met, went wide when he noticed me standing there. But he didn't look shocked to see me. Just shocked to see me there, in the foyer.
Jill told him, I realized. She must have called him or text him. Because as Adrian walked slowly across the foyer towards me, he looked calm and collected. Like he was ready for me.
Well, at least one of us was ready for this, because I certainly wasn't. In all honesty, I'd been sort of glad for being lost in the halls. It kept me from going back to my room and worrying about seeing him for the next few hours.
I watched his eyes travel up and down my body once before settling on my face. I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. The girl who broke his heart? A coward who wasn't strong enough to break through a lifetime of indoctrinated prejudices? Or maybe he just saw a deer in the headlights. That's what I felt like as I stared back at him.
"Hey," he said as he approached.
"Hey," I whispered back. I hadn't meant to whisper, but my voice, the traitor, had decided to stop working. I knew he could still hear me though.
"So..." He stepped closer, close enough that I could reach out and touch him now. Just lift my hand and touch his arm. That was all I'd have to do.
"So." I wanted to smack myself after the word left my lips. So? Was I trying to make him never speak to me again? I was lucky to even get a so out of him after the way we'd left things.
I watched his throat bob up and down as he searched for something to say. My face felt warm all of a sudden and I just wanted to run away. I needed to get away. But where was I going to go? My room? I didn't even know where it was!
"I can't find my room," I blurted, then felt stupid about it when he gave me a weird look.
"Which wing were you in? Do you know?" he asked awkwardly, jumping on the topic. He looked just as nervous as I felt. His usual cool, confident demeanor had apparently split at the same time my voice did.
"Uh... Not really. I was, um, over there somewhere. I think," I mumbled pointing to my right. It was a lame explanation, but Adrian just nodded and motioned for me to follow him.
Great, Sydney. Make him think you've become an idiot over the past year. And then I had an even worse thought. Oh, no! I basically just invited him back to my room!
I squeezed my eyes shut and resisted the urge to smack my palm against my forehead, but I followed him down the hall anyway.
Talk to him, Sydney. Say something.
"So," I said as we walked. "How have you been?"
Good. That's good. That's a normal question to ask someone you haven't seen in awhile.
"Uh," he said, looking back over his shoulder at me. He slowed down and let me catch up to him so we were walking side by side. "I've been fine. Been busy. Married and have a kid now."
His tone was so casual I didn't realize what he'd said at first, but when I did I stopped walking. "What?"
He had stopped when I had, clearly expecting my reaction. He laughed, hard, at the look on my face. "It was a joke, Sage. Relax."
I rolled my eyes, feeling stupid for falling for his joke. "Well, it wasn't very funny," I mumbled trying to sound cross, but inside all I felt was relief. He called me Sage. I missed that.
Adrian was still watching me, an amused smirk on his face now. My heart sped up a little. I'd forgotten how attractive that look was. How insanely kissable that smirk could be.
"How have you been?" he asked. "Got a boyfriend I need to know about?"
"No," I said quickly, before realizing that I'd fallen into his trap. "I mean, you don't need to know about anyone. I mean, it's none of your business."
He leaned back against the wall across from me, still smirking. "So you do have a boyfriend or...?"
I sighed, exaggerating my annoyance. I was annoyed, but it was also kind of fun having him tease me the way he used to. "I don't have a boyfriend," I said. "But it's none of your business."
"Well, sorry," he said, touching his hand to his heart in mock hurt. "I was just wondering, you know, since you asked me to find a room with you."
I blushed. "I asked you to find my room! Because I was lost! Not because I wanted to—"
"Wanted to what, Sage? What dirty things are you thinking about doing to me?" He grinned at me, enjoying the glare I was giving him.
"Adrian!" I complained. "You know perfectly well—"
But I didn't need to finish. He was already laughing again.
"I've missed getting you all riled up, Sage," he said warmly, causing a nice feeling to spread through my chest. His smirk turned into a real smile. "I've missed a lot of things about you."
I could feel my cheeks getting warm, but I refused to acknowledge it.
"Rose said you were still in school?" I said slowly, trying to steer the conversation away from me.
"Yeah. I transferred to a local art school. It's not as nice as Carlton was, but, like I said, it's local and I'm close enough to keep up the research with Sonya."
"You don't live here?" I asked, confused. "At the Court?"
He smiled and shook his head. "No. No, Court life is not for me. I thought we'd already gone over all this, Sage. Me and Court have never gotten along."
"Court and I," I corrected causing him to grin.
"I have an apartment about a half hour away. It's a human school so my hours are totally flipped around from everyone here anyway. I only stop in here when they need me for spirit stuff." He shrugged like him living on his own and going to school was no big deal, but pride still filled me at the knowledge. "I like it better that way. Being alone has its benefits."
"Yeah," I nodded. Being alone was so much easier than being around people. Especially when they weren't the one person you really wanted to be around.
"Sage," he said softly. "Sydney..."
My name was sounded like velvet on his lips, like he hadn't said my name in a year and was just now getting to say it again. He took a step towards me, his hand reaching out like he wanted to pull me to him. I cleared my throat and started walking again.
"There can't be that many rooms in this place," I said, hoping he'd let go of whatever he'd been about to say. "We've got to be close, right?"
I was a few feet away when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist and suddenly I was being dragged into an empty sitting room.
"Adrian!"
He closed the door behind us and then pushed me up against it.
"No, Sage," he said firmly. "It's time. You know it is. This has gone on long enough."
"What are you talking about?" My whisper sounded hoarse, rough, like my throat had gone dry. Pretending I had no clue what he was saying was easier than admitting I knew exactly what he was talking about.
His right hand pressed against the door by my head, while his left grabbed at my hip. "I gave you a year. An entire year, Sage. I didn't bother you once, even though I wanted to everyday. I wanted to call you, I wanted to visit your dreams. I wrote you emails everyday, but never sent them. It was torture without you. And I know," he said as he tightened his grip on my hips, pulling me into him. "I know it sucked for you, too. Don't pretend it didn't."
"Adrian, stop," I murmured, but I didn't push him away. I started to, I swear, but the second my hands touched his shoulders they took off like they had a mind of their own and wrapped around his neck. I pulled myself closer to him and he slid his other hand around my waist in response, lifting me off the floor. My legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him even closer until our bodies were flush with one another.
This was what I had wanted. Secretly, deep down inside, in a place I'd never admit, I'd wanted him to call me. I'd hoped he'd visit me in my dreams every night. I'd imagined what it would be like if he'd shown up at that damn Alchemist office I worked in everyday. I prayed he'd come. And when he hadn't I'd had to live with the fact that it was my fault. I'd pushed him away one too many times. I'd stupidly thought that I could do it, that I could live without him, that my loyalty to the Alchemists would get me through. But it hadn't. It didn't. It never would when I knew I could have this.
I breathed his name against his lips and closed my eyes, waiting for him to close the remaining space between us. My nose brushed against his, his warm breath hot on my skin. But he didn't kiss me. Instead he pulled at my knees, prying me off of him, and placed me back on the floor. His breathing was heavy as he backed away from me.
"What's wrong?" I asked, confused as to why he stopped. I wanted to kiss him now. I wanted to touch him, to feel him against me. I couldn't believe I'd ever left him for a whole year. How had I survived without seeing him everyday? Without hearing his voice or having his pretty green eyes lock onto mine? I suddenly needed to kiss him so badly I thought I might explode if I didn't.
"I can't." He shook his head, sitting down on one of the couches. He dropped his head into his hands, mussing up his perfectly styled hair.
"Why not?" I followed him over, but when I went to sit next to him an idea so horrible popped into my head that I just stood there staring at him.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked, a cold, hollow feeling rushing over me. I didn't even want to know the answer.
Adrian laughed humorlessly and shook his head. "No, I don't have a girlfriend. That's the problem, Sage." He leaned back against the couch and looked me in the eye. "I can't do this because you're only going to run away again after I kiss you. You always will, no matter how much you want me. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep getting my hopes up only to—"
He never finished his sentence because I did something to stop him. I wanted to stop everything he was saying, everything he was thinking about me. I didn't want him to be right. I didn't want to be a coward. I climbed onto his lap, straddling his hips and lowered my mouth to his.
He kissed me back after a moment's hesitation, a moment that nearly killed me because every insecure thought I'd ever had jumped into my brain while I waited for him to respond.
Was I too aggressive? Maybe I was a bad kisser? Bad breath? Not pretty enough? Maybe he just didn't want me anymore? I was too much of a hassle, like he said—
"Mmmmm," he groaned, pulling me closer and wrapping his arms around me and then all thought sizzled out and all I knew were his lips against mine.
After a few minutes I pulled back, needing to breath. Adrian was panting just as hard as I was, but he still tried to kiss me again.
"Just," I said breathing heavily and holding up a finger, "just... one minute."
Adrian smirked, despite the lack of oxygen and lifted me off of his lap so we were seated side by side. He wrapped an arm around me and buried his head in my shoulder. "You can have another year if you want," he said, kissing the bare skin above my collar. "That kiss was totally worth the wait."
I laughed, finally feeling relaxed for the first time in over a year. "Really?" I teased. "Because I'm willing to bet that was beginner's luck. Practice makes perfect, you know."
"Oh, believe me," he said, face still buried in my hair. "I know. And we're definitely going to practice. Can't have you being less than the best at something, can we?"
"Me?" I laughed. "I was talking about you."
He pulled back then, giving me his devil-may-care smile. "So, Sage, master kisser, teach me everything you know, then."
I gave him a wicked smile of my own, egged on by a year's worth of desire for him, before leaning in again to meet his lips. His grin faded and he kissed me back, harder than I was expecting. He lowered me to the couch, his tongue and teeth eliciting all sorts of sounds from me. Our hands were everywhere, greedily trying to get as much contact as possible before the bliss of the moment inevitably ended.
When it did, minutes or hours later, I didn't know, we laid together. The only noise coming from the sounds of our uneven breath. Adrian scooted down a little and rested his head on my chest.
"This sweater is really soft," he said as he nuzzled his cheek into my breasts. "Is it cashmere?"
I laughed and pulled his head up a little. My humor faded when I broached the topic he was trying to avoid. "I have to go back tomorrow," I said softly.
Adrian sighed and squeezed his eyes shut.
"It's not that I want to," I said quickly. "I don't want to run away from you. But I can't just not go back."
Adrian leaned up and brushed a strand of hair from my face, revealing the golden lily tattooed on my cheek. He kissed it softly and then pulled back to look at me. "It's okay. It's your job, I get that. I think you're working for a bunch of untrustworthy assholes, but it's up to you if you're ready to leave them or not."
"Adrian," I began.
"No, Sage. Just listen," he said. "This is your decision to make. I love you, even after being away from you for a year. I love you, I can't stop. I tried, not in the very beginning, but eventually. I dated. It didn't matter. All I wanted was you. So if you aren't ready yet, then I'll wait. For as long as you need."
His face was so sincere, so open. I knew he really would wait forever for me, but that wasn't what I wanted.
"I don't want you to have to wait for me," I said softly. When he started to interrupt I put a finger against his lips to silence him. "I don't want to wait either. You were right. It sucked to be away from you, it was torture everyday."
"So then, what do we do?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess... I guess we figure it out. We can email and talk on the phone." I smiled up at him. "I almost called you at least once a day for the first couple of months. Like, scrolled through my contacts to call you. After that I only started thinking about calling several times a day."
He grinned and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around him and didn't let go, even when he pulled away.
"Can I visit you?" he asked. "Whether in real life or in your dreams, it doesn't matter, but can I? Phone calls and email can only go so far," he said.
"You don't want to talk to me?" I play pouted, which amused him. He kissed me again.
"I want to talk to you, Sage. Believe me, I do. And we're going to pull a few all-nighters catching up on the phone, but... It's not the same as touching you, kissing you." He nuzzled his nose into the curve of my neck. "God, I've missed you. All of you. Your hair, your lips, your scent, your voice. Don't leave me again."
The pleading sound in his voice crushed me. "I'm not. I'm not leaving. Not like last time." I hugged him tighter. "I promise. And yes, you can visit."
He looked startled when he looked up at me. "Really?"
"Yes. But we have to be careful if you're going to visit in real life. Dreams are different, but you know how I feel about them. Maybe... maybe we can take it slowly. Try one and see how it goes."
"Anything you want," he smiled and kissed me. Much to my disappointment he sat up and pulled me with him. "We can take this as slow as you need to. But for right now, let's go find your room, okay?"
I nodded and stood up to follow him back out of the sitting room. I was surprised when we turned the opposite direction we'd been going when we came down this hall.
"Wasn't it the other way?" I asked him.
Adrian smiled sheepishly and took my hand, lacing our finger together. "You're actually down the other way, in the East wing." At my confused look he added, "Jill told me which room you were staying in. So I could come talk to you later. She didn't know I was going to race over as soon as I heard you were here."
I opened my mouth, unsure if I was going to laugh or yell at him for leading me around the halls just so he could talk to me. I never got the chance to find out. Adrian crushed his lips to mine and any amusement or anger fizzled out on the spot. When I pulled back I took a deep breath and murmured against his lips, "We should really find my room. Fast."
Adrian laughed—sounding happy and that made me so happy—and pulled me down the hall after him. "So much for taking it slow."