Chapter 10 – I Will Keep You Safe

Rachel pulled her pillow closer and snuggled further into the covers. She wondered what time it was, but she didn't want to look at the clock. If she knew she had less than an hour's sleep left, she would never be able to fall back asleep since she was constantly looking to see how much time she had left.

She had almost drifted off back to sleep when her eyes flew open. She shifted her head, unburying her head from the covers so she could hear better, and then listened carefully. It took a minute or two, but she heard what sounded like a whimper. She threw off the covers, leapt out of bed, and padded across her room. When she walked into the living room, she could hear the sounds better. Beth was clearly crying, so she hurried across the living room and into the little girl's room. Beth was tossing in her bed, clearly having another nightmare, and Rachel walked over to her, shaking her.

"Beth, honey, wake up," Rachel said in a soothing voice. "Beth, wake up. It's just a nightmare; you're okay."

Beth finally stopped squirming and opened her eyes. There were tears streaming down her face as she launched herself into Rachel's arms. The brunette held her tightly, rocking her slightly, and running her hand through Beth's hair. The little girl held on tightly to Rachel as she continued to cry.

"You're okay," Rachel whispered. "It was only a bad dream. You're safe."

Kurt appeared in the doorway and Rachel looked up at him. This was the third time this week one of them woken up to Beth having a nightmare, and nothing they did seemed to be helping. They had put in a nightlight, hoping it would help if the room wasn't as dark, and that night they tried reading a book before bed in hopes that it would produce happy thoughts.

"Can you tell us what happened in the dream?" Rachel asked.

Rachel sat in on Beth's session with Dr. Gilmore the previous day and asked about the nightmares. The doctor said it was common in children that had been through a trauma like Beth had been and suggested Rachel try to get her to talk about them. If she wasn't willing to talk about them, the therapist also suggested getting her to draw about them since Beth seemed to like art.

"Do you remember what you were dreaming about?" Kurt asked when Beth didn't say anything.

"Kinda," Beth mumbled.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rachel asked.

"It might make you feel better," Kurt added.

"It was dark," Beth finally said.

"And the dark was scary?" Rachel asked.

Beth nodded. "It was loud and I was stuck."

"Do you remember anything else?" Kurt asked.

"No," Beth said, shaking her head.

"Do you know where you were or what the sounds were?" Rachel asked.

Beth shook her head again and Rachel looked at Kurt. She wondered if he was thinking the same thing—if she was having nightmares about the car crash. She didn't want to her ask her in case that wasn't what she was dreaming about, not wanting to unnecessarily remind her of it.

"Everything is okay now," Rachel said, pulling her closer. "You're in your bed, safe at home. There's no need to be afraid now, okay?"

Beth nodded and Rachel held her in silence for a few minutes. She really didn't know what else to do in the situation other than try to let the little girl know she was safe. When she had nightmares as a child they usually involved monsters hiding in her room and her fathers would show her that there was nothing hiding in her closet or under her bed. Beth's nightmares were a little harder to dispel. She suspected Beth was dreaming of the car crash, but she had no way of knowing for sure, and even if Rachel did know that's what she was dreaming about, she didn't know how to make the nightmares go away. It was something that was very traumatic, and Rachel couldn't simply show her it wasn't real like her fathers did for her.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Rachel asked.

Beth hesitated for a moment and then said, "Yeah."

"Will you be okay in here or would you like to come into one of our rooms?" Kurt asked.

Beth didn't answer; instead, she crawled out of Rachel's arms and into her bed. Kurt walked to the other side of the bed and the two of them tucked her in.

"Do you want a story?" Rachel asked.

Beth shook her head and closed her eyes. Considering she had been waking up so much in the middle of the night, Rachel figured she was probably exhausted. Sure enough, not long after closing her eyes, Beth's breathing evened out. Kurt and Rachel both stayed for several more minutes, making sure the little girl was really asleep; after a while, Rachel stood up, trying not to shake the bed. She looked down to make sure the movement didn't wake Beth, and when it was clear she was still sleeping, the two walked out of the room together.

"That's the third time this week," Kurt whispered once the curtain was closed.

Rachel sighed. "I know."

"Is it just me or do they seem to be getting worse?" Kurt asked.

"It's not just you," Rachel said, shaking her head. "I'll call Dr. Gilmore tomorrow and see if she can recommend anything else." Rachel covered her mouth as she yawned. "I'm going to try to get a bit more sleep. Hopefully she'll sleep through the rest of the night, but if she doesn't, I'll take care of her if you want to sleep."

"Goodnight," Kurt said through a yawn. "And don't for a second think I won't be in there with you. You're the one who has to get up early."

Rachel smiled. "I know, but the offer is there."

"I will see you in the morning," Kurt said, squeezing her hand as he walked by. "And hopefully not before then."

"Goodnight," Rachel said, heading back to her room.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Kurt asked, stifling a yawn.

"I called in," Rachel said, rubbing her eye. "Jenny was nice enough to trade with me, so I'm working tomorrow instead of today."

Kurt walked into the kitchen and sat down at the small table. They had both slept a lot later than usual, but after Beth woke up a second time, Rachel couldn't seem to fall back asleep. So, when it came time for her to get up, she called her coworker on the off chance that she was up. Luckily for her, the other woman was awake, and after explaining what was going on, she agreed to trade days with her. Rachel was grateful her coworker was so understanding; she didn't want to lose the money by taking the day off, but she also was far too tired to go into work.

"Coffee?" Rachel asked, grabbing the pot the moment it was done brewing.

"Is that really a question?" Kurt asked. "Is Beth still sleeping?"

"Yes," Rachel said, grabbing two mugs. "I figured it would be best to let her sleep while she's actually sleeping and not having a nightmare."

"Have you called her therapist yet?" Kurt asked.

"No." She poured them both some coffee and walked to the table, putting one of the mugs in front of Kurt. "She comes in late on Tuesdays, so I'll have to make the call later. Unless you think we should try getting her to draw or paint about her dreams; we haven't done that yet."

"We could," Kurt said, taking a sip of his coffee.

Rachel sighed as she sat down. "I just wish I knew if we were doing the right thing."

"I know, sweetie," Kurt said, putting his hand over hers.

"I hate being uncertain about things," Rachel remarked. "I always know what I want, go after it, and don't let anything get in my way. From the time I was three and in dance class, I was determined to get the solos; it was around then when I decided I wanted to be on Broadway and nothing has stood in my way since. This is the first time in my life that I have felt so lost and unsure about something. I never know if we're doing the right thing and I don't like the feeling of helplessness that goes with it."

"Something tells me that is how all parents feel," Kurt replied. "You just have the added pressure of not choosing to be a parent, so you're coming into this in the middle of everything. We both are."

"I had a choice," Rachel said, shaking her head.

"Did you really?" Kurt asked. "I know you better than anyone, and I know you never would have said no. I think Shelby knew it, too. In theory you had a choice, but anyone who knows you well knows you really only had one option."

"I'm so afraid I'm going to mess everything up," Rachel replied. "I don't want to make everything worse."

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Kurt squeezed her hand. "You're doing the best you can."

Rachel sighed. Kurt was right; she knew she was being hard on herself, but she was used to being a perfectionist, and she knew she was far from doing a perfect job right now.

"I know," Rachel admitted. "You just know how much I hate not being in control; I find the whole situation frustrating because I don't know what to do most of the time."

"Do you regret your decision to be her guardian?" Kurt asked.

"Of course not!" Rachel immediately replied.

"Then that's all that matters," Kurt replied. "We'll figure everything else out along the way."

"I was actually thinking last night that it might be good to sign Beth up for a class," Rachel said. "You know, getting her interacting with other children and hopefully making some friends. School is still over two months away, and I think it would be good if she had people her own age that she could play with. I'm sure it would be much more fun for her than playing with either of us. Plus, taking dance and voice lessons was my favorite thing when I was little. Not that I made many friends doing it, but it was still fun."

"That's a good idea," Kurt replied. "I've read that interacting with children her own age is important."

"Where did you read that?" Rachel asked.

"I may have bought a book or two," Kurt shrugged, "and done some internet research."

Rachel smiled; Kurt wasn't a big reader, so she was surprised to hear he had been reading up on raising children. She often felt bad for dragging him into it—giving up his mornings to watch Beth, getting up in the middle of the night when she had nightmares—but he was clearly committed. She really couldn't imagine doing this by herself or doing it with anyone other than Kurt.

"So, you think signing her up for a class would be good?" Rachel asked.

"I think it's perfect," Kurt replied.

"Good," Rachel said, smiling again. "I will start looking into classes available and see if she's interested in any of them."

"You're not just going to sign her up for dance class?" Kurt asked, smirking.

"No," Rachel laughed, "I do think it should be her choice. Of course I hope she chooses something in the arts, but if not, that's okay too."

"With us raising her, Shelby being her mom, and Puck and Quinn being her biological parents, I have a feeling she will," Kurt said, laughing.

Rachel took one last drink of her coffee and stood up. "I should probably get ready for the day; since I'm not working, I think I will do some grocery shopping. The cabinets are looking a little bare."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Kurt asked.

"No, you take the day off," Rachel replied. "I'll take Beth with me, so you can have a few hours to yourself."

"More sleep," Kurt said, smiling. "Sounds good."

"Grape juice or apple juice?" Rachel asked.

"Apple," Beth replied.

Rachel grabbed the bottle, put it into her cart, and continued walking down the aisle. "You can pick one package of cookies, but no more than that."

Beth stood and looked at the shelves for a moment before reaching up and grabbing a package of Oreos. She then turned and put it into the cart while Rachel grabbed a more vegan friendly snack for herself. She looked at her list as they walked down the rest of the aisle, but it was mostly junk food, which was not on her shopping list. Somehow, though, they almost always managed to come home with ten things from the aisle that was not on the list.

"Pick a cereal," Rachel said, staring down the next aisle.

Beth walked ahead and Rachel grabbed a box of oatmeal since she was almost out. Beth came back with two boxes of cereal and Rachel was pleasantly surprised that neither of them were the sugary kind. Rolling her eyes, she grabbed some sugary, fake chocolate cereal that Kurt liked so much. She found it sad that a four year old had a more grown up taste in cereal than Kurt did.

They continued going down the aisles, getting things they needed and some they didn't, but Rachel still found it difficult to say no when Beth wanted something. She wanted Beth to eat healthy, but she didn't want to completely dictate what she ate just because she didn't believe in eating things that were not vegan friendly. Luckily Beth didn't ask for too much; they did get more junk food than when it was just her and Kurt, but it wasn't too excessive. She definitely saw a lot worse in other people's shopping carts as they walked by.

Rachel finally grabbed some bread for Kurt and Beth and then walked around to the section with fruits and vegetables. As she set a bag of oranges in the cart and began looking through the nectarines, her phone starting ringing in her purse. She figured it was Kurt telling her to get something while she was there, but when she pulled it out and looked at screen, Quinn's name was there instead.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey," Quinn said, sounding a bit muffled. "It's Quinn."

"Hello, Quinn," Rachel said with a light laugh.

"I don't know if you're working today or not, but I wanted to know if you three would like to get dinner later," Quinn said, sounding much clearer now. "Or maybe lunch if that's better."

"Oh," Rachel replied, surprising by the invitation. "Actually, I traded with someone, so I am off today. Beth and I were just doing some grocery shopping, but we're almost done. After dropping the groceries off at home, I was thinking about going out for lunch, so if you would like to meet us— "

"Yeah, that would be great," Quinn interrupted.

"Okay, so I will text you a place once I figure out where Beth would like to eat, okay?" Rachel said.

"Sounds good," Quinn replied. "I'll see you later."

"Goodbye," Rachel said before ending the call.

She had definitely not been expecting Quinn to call her so soon. It had only been three days since they were all at the carnival together; three days in which Rachel would think back to Quinn's words and mannerisms, trying to determine if Quinn was being sincere. Rachel liked to give people second chances, but this wasn't just Quinn's second chance; it was probably her fifth or sixth chance, so Rachel felt like she had the right to be wary.

"It looks like Quinn will be joining us for lunch," Rachel said. "Is that okay?"

Beth shrugged and didn't say anything, so Rachel took that as meaning she was okay with it. If she wasn't, Rachel would have called Quinn back to cancel, but Beth appeared to be indifferent about it.

"Is there anywhere in particular that you would like to eat?" Rachel asked.

"That place with the pizza sticks," Beth replied.

Rachel nodded and grabbed her phone to let Quinn know the place and a time she thought would be doable. They still needed to do the last bit of grocery shopping and get it back to the apartment, so she decided to give herself an hour and a half to do everything. Lunch would be a bit later than she generally ate, but she didn't want to tell Quinn a time and then be late. Instead of sending another text to Kurt, she figured it would be best if she called, so she hit her speed dial and listened to it ring.

"Hello," Kurt eventually said, sounding as if he was just sleeping.

"You're still in bed," Rachel said, laughing.

"Yes," Kurt said, and even though she couldn't see him, she would bet he just rolled his eyes at her.

"I'm almost done shopping and Quinn just called to ask if we all wanted to get lunch," Rachel said, putting some nectarines in a plastic bag. "Well, she asked about dinner, but I thought lunch might be better. Do you want to go? You don't have to, but she invited you as well."

"What time?" Kurt asked.

"I told her around one thirty," Rachel replied. "I thought that would give us enough time to get home, put up the groceries, and meet her. I know it would be cutting it kind of close for you to get to work, but I thought I would ask."

"I think I will pass on this one," Kurt said.

"I thought so," Rachel said, laughing lightly.

The two said their goodbyes and Rachel turned around to find a bag of apples, a carton of strawberries, and a bunch of bananas in the cart. Figuring that was enough fruit, she grabbed a few vegetables and then headed to the checkout to pay for everything.

For once, Rachel wasn't quite so nervous about meeting Quinn. She was still somewhat nervous, but she wasn't as panicked about what to wear or trying to think of all the ways the blonde could make her feel terrible about herself. Whether Quinn was actually nice or simply playing nice she didn't know, but either way, Rachel knew she didn't have to worry about the other woman being openly hostile toward her.

When they walked into the restaurant, Rachel looked around for Quinn. At first she didn't think the blonde was there yet—she and Beth were about fifteen minutes early—but then she spotted her near the back of the room. Quinn didn't look up as they approached; all her attention was focused on the book in front of her. Despite the fact that Quinn seemed to have changed, it was almost nice to see that this one thing didn't. She remembered seeing Quinn in the choir room many times with her face in a book.

"Good book?" Rachel asked.

Quinn looked up and smiled. "Not really, but also not terrible. It's one of the books being published with the company I'm working for. The author gave each of us a book in thanks."

"I just realized I've never asked what exactly you do there," Rachel remarked, pulling out a seat for Beth, and sitting down next to her.

"I mostly do whatever other people need me to do," Quinn said, shrugging. "There are two of us from NYU that are working there for the summer and we're sort of assistants for the full time employees."

"How many employees are there?" Rachel wondered.

"Only five." Quinn laughed lightly. "I told you, we're small."

"Is this the rest of your party?"

"Is Kurt coming," Quinn asked as Rachel looked over to find a waiter standing beside the table.

"No," Rachel replied.

"This is everyone," Quinn said to the waiter.

"Can I get you all something to drink?" the waiter asked.

"Do you want juice or water?" Rachel asked Beth.

"Water," the girl answered.

"Two waters," Rachel said, grabbing her menu to look at.

"Make that three," Quinn said.

"I will be right back with your drinks," the waiter said before walking away.

"So, Kurt didn't want to come?" Quinn said, grabbing one of the menus from the table.

"He goes into work at three, so it would have been cutting it very close," Rachel replied. "Otherwise, I'm sure he would have come."

Quinn nodded. "I figured it was because he doesn't like me."

"What?" Rachel asked, surprised by the comment. "Kurt likes you."

Quinn shook her head and smiled wryly.

"Okay, maybe like is too strong of a word," Rachel amended. "I wouldn't necessarily say he disliked you, though. He just—"

"Doesn't like me," Quinn interrupted.

"He's wary," Rachel replied.

Quinn shrugged. "It's okay. Honestly, I didn't think either of you would be as forgiving as you have been. Especially you." Quinn shook her head. "Not after the way I behaved toward you for so many years. I know you've talked about second chances before, but I think I used up my second and third chance by our sophomore year."

"You did," Rachel agreed.

Rachel didn't think there was any point in downplaying it. Quinn was horrible to her in high school and if it was anyone other than Rachel, they would have told Quinn to get lost—or possibly something much more colorful. Even though she sometimes wished she could do just that, Rachel knew it wasn't in her nature. Sometimes she felt like it made her a doormat—people would treat her badly, knowing they would be forgiven in the end—but she always wanted to believe the best in people. That didn't mean she had to act like it didn't happen or forgive people easily, though; not when they just came into her life after years of bullying and definitely not when Beth was now involved.

As much as she was worried about getting hurt herself, she was more worried about what could happen to Beth. She didn't want someone coming into the little girl's life just to leave. It was one of her biggest fears with Quinn; if she wasn't being sincere about all of this and it turned out to be one big joke—well, she didn't know what she would do.

"At least we're in agreement," Quinn said, smiling crookedly.

"Three waters," the waiter said, appearing again. "Are you ready to order or do you need more time?"

"I know what I want," Rachel said, looking at Quinn.

The three ordered and the waiter walked away again, leaving them in silence. Rachel poked at the lemon in the bottom of the glass with her straw while Beth began doodling on the back of the little coloring book they gave her.

"Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?" Quinn asked after a few minutes.

"A nap would be nice," Rachel said, shrugging. "I also thought I would do a bit of research."

"Research?" Quinn asked.

Rachel glanced at Beth. "Kurt and I thought it might be nice to enroll Beth in a class of some kind if she wanted to join one, so I figure I should look into what is being offered."

"I'm a little surprised you didn't already sign her up for dance class," Quinn commented.

"Why does everyone assume I would sign her up for dance class?" Rachel huffed and then paused. "Please don't answer that."

"I like dancing," Beth quietly said.

"Well, I'm sure there are plenty of different classes to choose from," Rachel replied. "You will be able to pick whatever you want. Does that sound fun?"

"Yeah," Beth said, resuming her coloring.

"I'm sure it will be more fun than when I had to take piano lessons as a child," Quinn said, rolling her eyes. "My father figured if he was paying for lessons, I needed to be the best. I hated it. Once I quit, I didn't play for years; not until—" Quinn stopped and looked down.

Rachel knew what Quinn was going to say—not until their junior year when the two were trying to write an original song for Regionals. It was an unmitigated disaster to say the least and Rachel tried to not think about it.

"Well, hopefully Beth enjoys whatever she chooses more than you enjoyed piano lessons," Rachel said, taking a sip of water.

"I'm sure she will," Quinn replied.

Rachel could hear the sadness in Quinn's voice; she thought of asking the blonde about it, but something stopped her. Quinn always seemed like a very private person and she didn't want to ask her something that might provoke her. In high school, asking Quinn the wrong question was generally what brought on the worst moments for Rachel, and she didn't want to risk that happening right now.

Then again, maybe that wouldn't happen; maybe Quinn really had changed. Rachel wasn't willing to test it, though. Not right now—not while they were in public and certainly not with Beth there.

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