In this chapter we return to the original tone of the story. I'm sorry I can't write fluffiness and kittens all the time. But we are getting into the real stuff that Emma has to confront and she will soon have answers to lingering questions. There are still a few more chapters to come. They are just taking me a little longer than I had anticipated. Thanks for continuing to follow this story. I promise I will finish it the right way.
WARNING: Mention of past rape. Self-harm is a recurring theme. There are some mildly graphic descriptions of un-intentional self-harm toward the end of the chapter, associated with rage.
Please continue reading until the end. It will be rough for a while, but it does get better.
"I know Regina wants to talk to you about some things that happened after you left," Archie begins.
The apprehensive couple is seated side by side on the small sofa across from the psychiatrist. Emma cradles her queen's hand in her lap, lightly massaging the back with her thumb in an effort to pacify the older woman's nerves. Her own anxiety had escalated at seeing her partner in this state, plus she never cared for therapy anyway.
"Yeah. That's what I'm here for," the blonde woman casually responds, lightly squeezing her beloved's hand in a show of support.
With a nod, Archie instructs, "Go ahead, Regina."
"I don't know the best way to start," the older woman begins, "so I'm just going to say it." She keeps her eyes focused on her lap, in an effort to remain calm and inhales a deep breathe before uttering the dreaded admission, "Emma, I lost my magic."
"What?" The younger woman's shock is evident. "But I felt you use magic last night."
Regina's eyes widen in horror and she quickly directs her attention toward her fiancée who apparently has lost control over what comes out of her mouth.
Emma quickly recognizes her error. "I mean," she tries to explain. She looks at Archie, who appears to be slightly amused by the comment. "I didn't…" She closes her eyes in embarrassment. "I'm sorry."
The older woman sitting next to her realizes that she can't possibly be mad at her adorable fiancée for such a simple mistake, especially when it comes from a place of love. She grips Emma's hand firmly in reassurance.
"It's alright," Archie assures. "Pretend I'm not even here."
Emma offers a timid smile, grateful for the therapist's understanding.
"Go ahead, Regina," he urges. "You're doing fine."
"I have it back now," she goes on to explain, memories from the previous night suddenly crossing her mind.
Emma can't help the excitement she feels just thinking about their amazing night. If she wasn't pregnant before, she must be now. Regina was in top form.
The tone of the conversation changes as brunette woman continues her explanation.
"After you crossed the border, my magic was gone."
Emma cannot contain her curiosity and asks, "How did that happen?"
Brown eyes meet blue, as Regina informs, "It left with you."
"I took it?" The younger woman's confusion is evident.
"Maybe it was because of Charlie," Regina suggests. "I don't know." "But, it's not your fault. You couldn't have known."
Emma calls to mind a particularly disconcerting incident that took place when she crossed the town line four years ago. "That explains what happened," she mumbles to herself.
"What happened, Emma?" Archie intercedes.
"I guess it was magic," she concludes. "Something took hold of my body. I was paralyzed, I couldn't breathe."
Regina's anxiety escalates as she listens to Emma's harrowing tale.
"It was one of the scariest moments of my life. The pain was so bad I thought that I had lost my baby."
When Emma turns her attention toward Regina, her heart sinks at the sight of tears threatening her beloved's eyes.
"But I didn't," she confirms and offers her fiancée a grateful smile which Regina immediately reciprocates.
Archie interrupts the emotional exchange, voicing his realization. "Oh, the little girl I met at your Welcome Home party."
"Her name is Charlie," Emma cheerfully reminds.
"Where is she now?"
"She's with her grandmother," Regina confidently informs.
Emma elaborates, "Kiddo likes spending time with Grandma. She gets to see her best-friend Neal."
"How old is she?"
"She's three-and-a-half," Emma answers.
Regina quickly clarifies, "She was born in April."
Emma thinks to herself how much she missed the connection she constantly had with Regina. They always were better parents together. She cannot stop the silly grin claiming her expression.
"Charlie looks just like her mom," the blonde woman proudly asserts.
Regina never gets tired of being flattered by her girl. Her goal is to make Emma feels as special. "She definitely has your heart."
The younger woman's insecurity shows through. "I don't know about that."
"You don't think so, Emma?"
Apparently Emma had forgotten that she was speaking in front of a mental health expert, whose job is psychoanalyzing others. How could she be so careless as to make a comment such as that?
"I don't know," she awkwardly responds. "I always saw so much of Regina in her. But that probably had a lot to do with how much I missed her."
The two women remain lost in each other until their bliss is interrupted.
"Regina? Do you remember what happened after Emma left?"
Emma doesn't even try to disguise the fact that she is irritated with Archie for bringing her fiancée back to a time that she would obviously rather forget. But that's why they're there she recognizes and resigns to that fact.
"After your mother told me that you had left," Regina continues, "I thought my life was over." "I was so miserable without you." She begins to weep. "My magic was always what I turned to when I felt my life spinning out of control. I was desperate for some relief from the pain of losing you."
Emma inches closer to her emotional fiancée and wraps an arm around the petite woman. Regina grasps Emma's free hand in grateful response before continuing.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you and how I'd let you down." She feels Emma hug her tighter. "I needed to forget. I felt as though I would die if I didn't forget you." At that admission, she burst into heartbroken sobs.
Emma immediately comes to her queen's rescue and secures her in a calming embrace.
"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm so sorry," the older woman cries against her fiancée's shoulder.
"It's okay," Emma soothes. "Regina, it's okay." When she feels the older woman relax, she breaks the tender embrace to meet Regina's eyes. "I understand why you needed to forget me," she sympathizes.
"I'm just grateful that your mother wouldn't let me go through with it."
By watching their interactions, Emma could tell that her mother had become an important part of Regina's life. But she didn't realize just how important until this moment.
"I don't know why I called her," Regina admits. "I guess I knew that as much as I needed to forget you, I couldn't. But I also didn't trust myself."
The therapist coaches, "What happened after that, Regina?"
"I just wanted to feel something," the older woman confesses, "anything other than the pain of losing you." She thinks back to that day, almost four years ago. "I was desperate to feel magic again, the ease and comfort of feeling the power surging through my veins. I thought that I would die without it." She takes a moment to summon the courage to disclose the next part of her story, realizing that once she says it she can never unsay it.
"I knew it wouldn't work, but that didn't stop me," she hesitates, "from reaching into the fireplace that day."
Emma quickly and easily frees a hand in order to cover her mouth which is now hanging open. She is in complete shock. She, herself, had struggled with self-harm. But now, she can't believe what she's hearing. The woman she thought unshakable had her own battles.
"I couldn't sit still," Regina explains. It's clear that she's reliving the torment. "I felt as though I might jump out of my skin." Without intervention, the queen continues the awful confession. "By the time I realized what I had done, it was too late." There is a hint of sadness in her voice. "I don't remember the pain. I only remember the regret," she confesses. "I'm just grateful that I didn't have to wait very long for help. Your mother was already on her way over."
Full of remorse, Emma's voice is barely above a whisper. "I should have been there."
"You were there." Regina smiles warmly. "You were in my heart."
"It took some time to heal, didn't it?" Archie reminds.
"I was very lucky. The burns could have been so much worse." She lifts her right hand to examine it. "Dr. Whale did a good job. You could barely see where the new skin joined the old."
Emma gently supports Regina's hand in her own, searching for lines to indicate new skin joining old.
"He had to take graft of my thigh," Regina continues, silently acknowledging the long awaited answer to a disturbing question.
Emma is suddenly brought back to an earlier conversation that had led to a fight when she asked about a particularly large scar on Regina's thigh.
"Does it hurt?" the blonde woman asks in reference to the location of Regina's graft.
"Not anymore," the queen responds confidently. "My thigh is completely healed and…" She pauses before continuing. "You fixed my hand, that night."
Emma understands exactly which night Regina is referring to. That's why she can't find any lines, Emma reasons. Even though she is grateful for Regina's recovery, she still feels guilty for not noticing the scars on Regina's hand before she erased them.
"Regina," the guilt ridden woman whispers.
"I'm alright, my love." Regina smiles happily, petting her beloved's face with her reconstructed had. She is noticeably lighter having shared a terrible burden. "You're mother took care of me while I was recovering," she reveals. "I honestly don't want to think about what I would have done without her."
It brings the younger woman comfort to know that her mother, Regina's former nemesis, had been the one to carry Regina through this tragedy in her absence. Still, she blames herself for being the cause of her partner's pain.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that."
"It's not your fault," Regina assures. "No one forced me to stick my hand in the fireplace."
Emma recognizes when she shouldn't argue with her authoritative fiancée. She resigns to the fact that her future wife is right and will always be right and offers the correct response. "Thank you for telling me."
Apparently Emma's thoughtfulness is not wasted on the queen. "I'm sorry I tried to keep it hidden from you."
"It's okay. I understand why you did." Because of her own experience, she understands the shame associated with self-harm. "Believe me, I understand."
The fact that her future wife had been so receptive to something that she was afraid to tell her since their reunion gives Regina the confidence to articulate what she says next.
"Emma, there's something else I need to tell you." She pauses, considering whether she is actually ready to disclose such a damaging revelation. "This is just really hard for me."
"You're safe here, Regina," Archie reminds. "You're safe with Emma. She is not going to judge you."
Emma grasps her lover's hands more securely. "I would never judge you, Regina."
"I know," Regina confirms. "I just never wanted you to find out."
"Can you tell Emma what happened?"
Regina closes her eyes. She only wishes that she had the power to disappear at this moment. In her isolation, Regina hears the tranquil voice of her beloved.
"Please, Regina."
"I didn't think it would ever happen to me." She can barely manage to get the words out before breaking down.
"What can you remember about that day?" Archie's voice is tranquil, yet firm. Apparently he had a great deal of practice coaching Regina through this difficult admission.
"When he came to my house, I should have known." She had replayed this scenario many times in her mind. She always came back to the conviction that she could have done something differently, to prevent the attack. "He knew I wouldn't be able to protect myself without my magic."
"Regina," Archie intervenes, his voice is softer now. "Nothing you did made you deserving of what happened to you." He knows that his friend tends to blame herself when bad things happen to her as though she deserved them.
"Regina?" Emma implores.
Her voice is tiny, as she says, "He raped me."
But Emma heard the confession clearly. Though she truly wishes she hadn't. She catches her queen in a strong embrace, determined to protect this woman for the rest of her life. "I've got you. It's okay. I promise you'll never be without your magic again."
"I'm sorry, Emma," the queen cries. Emma's love is the only thing anchoring her at this moment.
Regina's apology cuts right through her. What has this woman done that she feels the need to apologize. In her despair, Emma voices the only thing she knows to be true, "I love you, Regina. I love you so much." She continues to rock her broken fiancée as she pleads. "Please don't blame yourself anymore. I can't watch you do that to the woman I love."
A small laugh escapes the relieved woman.
Emma had never been more grateful for the gift of laughter. When she feels Regina stilling, she quietly asks, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay," Regina guarantees, straightening up to meet her beloved's eyes. She confidently wipes her own tears as Emma continues to beam at her. "I'm okay."
"Is that what you wanted to tell me?"
Regina giggles again. "Yeah."
Emma only hugs her again in response.
Archie, who had been observing this exchange objectively, interjects. "How are doing, Emma?"
When the younger woman doesn't answer, Regina's concern grows. "Honey?"
"This is a safe place to experience your feelings, Emma," Archie reminds. "What are you feeling right now?"
The blonde woman only shakes her head in order not to explode, she can already feel her blood pressure rising and begins to sweat.
"Emma, it's okay. You don't have to hide it to protect me," Regina encourages. "Please, Emma."
With her fiancée's permission, the younger woman voices what Regina already suspected. With gritted teeth, she discloses, "I want to find the scum and rip his throat out."
The frightened queen registers an all too familiar emotion radiating from the woman she loves, while the psychiatrist notes the younger woman's psychosomatic responses. His alarm increases when he notices Emma's knuckles have suddenly turned white.
"Can I get you a glass of water?" Archie is mindful to keep his voice even.
"No," the blonde woman replies, she is practically seething. "I'll be fine as soon as I can murder someone."
The last thing Regina wants is for her beloved to become like her. "Emma, please," she urges.
"Who?" Though her tone is demanding, she is careful not to direct her aggression toward the woman she has sworn to defend.
Archie intercedes again. "I don't know if Regina's comfortable—"
"I want a name!" The aggression had to go somewhere. She would rather her target was Archie and not Regina. She redirects her attention toward the frightened woman. Showing obvious restraint, she requests, "Who?"
Holding her lover's gaze and with greatest reluctance Regina whispers her answer, "Hook."
"Lousy fucking pirate!" the blonde woman shouts, jumping out of her seat and scaring the timid psychiatrist and former Evil Queen in the process.
The young woman is noticeable vibrating with uncontrollable rage. She grips fistfuls of blonde hairs by the roots in an effort to misplace her anger and subdue her temper.
Regina attempts to get through to her fiancée. "Emma?" "Honey, please don't. You're going to hurt yourself," she cries.
Being a professional, Archie assumes responsibility of gaining control over a frightening situation. "Emma, listen to me. You don't want to do anything hasty."
"Don't tell me what to do!" Emma screams.
Fortunately Regina was not caught in the line of fire. She would never forgive herself if she harmed this woman in any way.
With tears in her eyes, the brunette woman pleads, "Emma, please."
"I'll kill him," Emma vows. She is noticeably crying too. "I swear, I'll kill him!" She makes a quick escape.
Archie immediately calls after her. "Emma!"
"Emma, wait!" Regina cries.
She starts to run after her distraught fiancée, but is held back by quieting hand.
"I have to go after her," the queen insists, "she's upset."
But the doctor insists, "She's had quite the shock. It's best to let her deal with it the way she needs to."
"I'm scared."
Registering genuine fear behind the queen's eyes, Archie secures Regina in firm embrace.
As he holds the crying woman he soothes, "It's okay Regina. Everything's going to be okay." As soon as her feels Regina settle down, he asks, "Where do you think she went?"
"She's probably trying to find him," Regina answers, flatly.
"Then you'll know where to find her."
7777777
Regina doesn't have to search long before discovering her beloved, sitting on their bench, by the pier. As she approaches, she becomes eerily aware that something is not right.
"Emma?"
When the younger woman flinches, Regina sees that she was right to be unnerved. "Okay. It's alright," she assures, hoping to calm her dazed fiancée. "It's just me," she reminds, inching closer, careful not to startle the younger woman again. Despite her growing sadness, Regina fights to remain composed, so as not to alarm the vacant woman. "Honey, let me see." She refers to Emma's hand which is firmly gripping a threatening object. Though Regina cannot see any detail, the blood oozing from between Emma's fingers confirms her suspicion. She kneels down in front of the blonde woman. "Okay. You're alright, Emma."
The shivering young woman gulps, the reality of the situation is starting to hit her.
"You're okay," Regina repeats. She places a soft, forgiving hand over Emma's. "I'm right here, sweetheart. I'm not going to hurt you."
Unintentionally, Emma loosens her grip from around the knife.
"Oh, sweetie." Regina begins to weep at the sight of a deep laceration in Emma's palm. Apparently the younger woman hadn't realized how firmly she was holding the blade.
"I couldn't find him," the trembling woman dully informs.
Regina fights back tears, determined to stay strong for her beloved. "I know," she whispers, suppressing an urge to vomit.
"Where is he?" Emma asks innocently, oblivious to the fact that Regina is carefully removing the knife from her grasp.
"Your father tried to go after him, but he disappeared. We think he left this realm."
"If he returns he's a dead man," Emma flatly states.
"I know," Regina replies, instantly healing Emma's hand with light magic.
Emma absently regards her hand. She is far too preoccupied with an overriding conviction. "He deserves to die," she blankly states.
Though Regina would normally agree, she is more concerned with the state of the woman in front of her. "Why did you have the knife?" she gently asks. She can see Emma struggling to get back to reality.
"I wanted him to feel it," she asserts, becoming more animated. "I wanted him to feel it when I stabbed him," she cries.
Regina watches helplessly as her fiancée transforms before her eyes into the frightening figure she had seen less than an hour ago.
"I wanted him to feel it!" the blonde woman shouts, rising to a standing position and promptly collapsing into Regina's waiting arms.
Even with her magic restored the queen had never felt so helpless than in that moment with her unconscious fiancée in her arms.
In a puff of purple smoke she transports them to the only place she can think of in that terrifying moment.
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The older woman hadn't even registered the changing light outside the hospital window, nor had she bothered to turn on the fluorescents above her. She was entirely numb after the emotionally exhausting afternoon, combined with conversations with Dr. Whale, nurses, her future in-laws and her son. As the withered queen replays in her mind the events of the day, she doesn't even register the younger woman in the hospital bed beginning to stir.
"Regina," the vulnerable young woman whispers into the darkness. She is still too weak to lift her head to search the room. When she doesn't receive an answer, she begins to weep and desperately wails, "Regina."
The older woman springs to action and is at her lover's side within two seconds. She carefully wraps her arms around Emma's reclined form in order to reassure the frightened woman and cannot manage a single word before the uncontrollable sobs take over.
"I'm sorry," Emma whispers. Her memory of the events of that day is still a little fuzzy, but she remembers all too clearly the frightened look upon her beloved's face.
"It's okay," Regina cries. "Honey, it's okay."
Emma just hugs Regina tighter with the hand that is not attached to an IV and takes comfort in the shared proximity.
When Regina breaks the hug to meet her fiancée's eyes, Emma asks, "What happened?"
The calmer queen grasps Emma's free hand and inhales a deep breath before answering, "You fainted. Doctor Whale said that you were severely dehydrated when I brought you here."
Emma tries to remember the events surrounding her collapse, but still has trouble recalling specifics. She decides to focus on the information she is receiving. "That makes sense."
Her fiancée's casual response reduces the queen to tears of relief. "I was so worried," she admits.
Though her memory isn't the greatest right now, Emma remembers enough to recognize that she conducted herself inappropriately in Archie's office that afternoon. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted."
"It's okay." The queen resigns, trying to mask her own insecurity. "I understand that you were upset," she acknowledges, focusing her attention on Emma's hand as she continues to massage it with the pad of her thumb.
Emma grips the older woman's hand tighter to drive the point home. "It's never okay for me to run out on you, Regina."
The older woman's eyes fill with fresh tears. "You were in shock. You weren't thinking clearly."
Unable to accept her fiancée making excuses for her behavior, Emma shakes her head. "You deserve so much better."
With restored confidence, Regina embraces the younger woman again. "You are so much more than you realize," she informs. "I haven't done anything in my life to deserve you, Emma. But for some reason, the most amazing woman in the world is in love with me."
They break the tender embrace.
Emma positively proclaims the one thing she knows, without a doubt, to be true, "I do love you, Regina."
The older woman smiles in contentment and whispers, "That's all I need."
The two woman rest easily in each other's arms until Emma breaks the contented silence by stating a recent realization. "I'm a mess."
The innocence behind Emma's tone causes the queen to giggle. "You're human," she reminds. "You're allowed to fall apart."
"I'm so tired of feeling this way," the more alert woman replies. "I want to be able to enjoy my life with you and our children."
Regina nods her head in understanding.
As much as at pains her, Emma finally accepts powerlessness. "I think I need help."
Regina hugs her fiancée in relief. "We'll get you the help you need," she confirms. "You don't have to go through this alone."
The queen feels Emma nod against her shoulder.
"Can we go home now?" Emma asks, simply.
"I'll tell Doctor Whale that you're awake," Regina cheerfully announces, rising from her reclined position. "We'll go home as soon as he says it's safe."
Before Regina exits the room, Emma inquires, "Is Charlie here?"
Regina turns to address her fiancée. "She's with your mother. She doesn't know anything that happened today." Regina watches the younger woman's expression fall at the mention of Mary Margaret. "Your mother wanted to be here," Regina assures, "but she had to stay home with the children. She made me promise her that I would take care of you." When Emma nods her understanding, Regina continues, "Your father was here. He stopped to check on you on his way home. You were sleeping. They're going keep Charlie tonight. I also called Henry." Emma's attention is suddenly piqued. "I didn't want to worry him. But I thought that he should know that his mother was in the hospital." The younger woman's expression softens at the thoughtfulness of the woman she loves. "I need to call him back and let him know that you're alright."
When the older woman turns to leave, Emma calls after her, "Regina?"
The brunette woman turns back. "Yes?"
The blonde woman offers her a warm smile. "I love you."
Regina strides toward the bed and kisses her beloved before whispering her response against Emma's lips. "I love you too." She grazes Emma's cheek with the backs of her fingers.
"I'm going to get better," Emma vows. "I'm going to be better for my family."
Regina nods her agreement. "I know you will."