SANCTUS

Chapter One

Pavel honestly feels a little sick when he returns to his room. She's there again. He can't see her but he can just tell she's there. He considers not going in, but something about that just seems wrong.

He enters his room and of course, he's right. She is there, and she smiles at him. Pavel just sighs heavily and half smiles back at her.

"You know you're not meant to be here," he says gently, putting his stuff down. "This isn't good for you."

She shrugs and stands up coming towards him.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, blinking her dark blue eyes softly at him.

"Worse," he answers, in all honesty. He's starting to get sick of the questions and weird looks he keeps getting. Today marks a week since his roommate moved out and everyone around him seems to be on edge a little. He doesn't blame them, he's starting to wonder the same thing himself. He knows he can't be healthy, not with the way he's going. He sits down on the kitchen bench and tells himself he needs to eat. Of course, he doesn't.

There's a knocking at the door ten minutes later and Pavel frowns at her. She looks innocently back at him as if by seeing other people he's betraying her. He hates how hypnotic her eyes are.

"Come in," he calls out.

One of Pavel's only genuine friends is on the other side of the door. Hikaru Sulu seems to be the only person who doesn't think he's crazy. Sulu smiles and passes him a small bag. Popcorn, upon closer inspection. Sulu suggests they just hang out a while and Pavel agrees, glad to have anyone other than her for company.

She seems to have disappeared while Sulu is there, Pavel can still feel that she's near but says nothing. They watch a few episodes of 'Black Apple,' some beyond crappy TV drama show that's so bad it's addictive. It's meant to be a proper drama but the acting is so bad that the two of them take it as a comedy. They laugh together and for a while, Pavel forgets what's happening around him.

The show is paused for bathroom breaks and drink refills and Pavel is alone in the kitchen. He's drinking pineapple soda, a drink he has weirdly been craving for a month now. He's thinking about the drink when he can feel cold hands on his hips and it makes him jump, touching his skin uncomfortably.

"Stop it," he says in a harsh whisper, checking the bathroom door to make sure Sulu is still inside and the door is still firmly closed. He runs a hand through his messy hair and frowns.

"You okay?" Sulu asks, exiting the bathroom and seeing Pavel looking concerned and frightened, anxious almost.

Pavel nods but they both know he is far from fine. He looks like he's about to cry and by how his hands are shaking, he might be. At least he feels like Sulu's concern is genuine, not out of obligation or anything. The CMO McCoy seems pretty genuine too. He's been looking after Pavel for a few months now and he doesn't seem freaked out by Pavel's 'condition.'

"Is she… Here?"

Pavel bites his lip, hoping he won't try and leave now. He nods, looking at the ground.

"Now?"

He nods again.

Three more episodes and some nachos later, they're on the season final and killing themselves laughing at the delayed reactions to the predictable, soppy, soap opera plot. Pavel takes another sip of his drink and smiles. Sulu has the ability to predict just about anything they're about to say and when he's right, it's the funniest thing. They're watching intently and Pavel feels a sudden pair of cold hands, around his neck this time, tightly.

His body jumps and he makes some kind of unholy high pitched sound, falling to the floor and coughing. The hands loosened as soon as they were around him but Pavel is scared out of his mind and he yells out something, he's not even sure what. 'Leave me alone,' or something probably. He can feel himself hyperventilating and he suddenly just starts sobbing. Sulu's beside him, unsure whether or not to hug him because he seems to need the air. He rubs slow circles on his back while he tries to calm down. Sulu calls McCoy and Pavel would normally protest, but he doesn't have the air to at the moment. He feels so helpless and just falls into Sulu's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I just want it to stop!" He says breathlessly. "I've just had enough…"

Sulu feels sorry for him, he can't imagine how he'd deal with the same situation, he probably couldn't.

McCoy's there waving a tricorder probe across Pavel's face. He has calmed down a bit but he still feels on edge. His eyes are sore and McCoy is considering prescribing him some sleeping tablets. He probably needs them.

Not long later, Pavel is on a bed in medbay and he wishes Sulu hadn't have come over. Nothing would have happened if Pavel was alone, it never does. Things were significantly worse when Pavel had a roommate. Every day he'd get the same thing, this is the first major incident in a week.

There's about an hour of calm before Pavel feels not alone again. He can tell when she's near, the one defence he does have. He's rubbing his eyes sleepily when he looks over and sees her sitting in the previously empty chair. He looks away but he knows it won't make her disappear.

"I can't keep living like this," he says gently. She moves onto the edge of his bed, trying to get him to look her in the eyes.

She doesn't say anything. He looks up at her finally and feels weakened by her eyes. God, he loved those eyes.

"You haven't eaten enough," she mutters, walking around to where his untouched food is and passing a jelly cup to him. She knows him too well, the jelly would have been his first pick. He takes it idly and digs his spoon into it, eating purely to keep her quiet, not because he feels he needs to.

"I love you," she says gently.

He pushes another spoonful of the green jelly into his mouth, not looking up. "I know," he says quietly. "I love you too."

There's a small period of calm where Pavel is confined to medbay but left reasonably unbothered. She's pretty unobtrusive over the course of two days and he's pretty glad for it. He knows she's still around, of course, that's a given but she's just not within his sight range. McCoy feeds him a lot of jelly because it seems to be the only thing that he will eat for the time being.

Sulu visits him a lot and Pavel apologises for everything that happened but he shrugs it off. They talk together for a while but Sulu can taste his unease and leaves after not long. He decides it's best to visit a few times a day for short periods of time rather than stay for a long time once a day.

McCoy sits down on the end of Pavel's biobed and he expects some sort of intervention or a solution at best but the doctor doesn't offer anything other than a few sleeping pills. Pavel has had minimal sleep and he feels like he's bordering on the edge of a coma. Pavel feels cold once the pills are in his hand but he takes them and waits till he passes out.

Pavel is out for just over 14 hours and when he wakes up he wishes it was longer. He feels weak and he's passed a drink of water but can barely hold it. He thanks whoever the nurse is and sips it slowly, hoping that the water will help his headache. He feels groggy and needs a shower and something to eat. He's hungry for the first time in a while, which he figures is good.

Three jelly cups, two bread rolls and an orange juice later Pavel is in the shower, washing himself and feeling a little dizzy. Getting up was a bad idea but he needs the water. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes, warm but comfortable. He opens his eyes and she's there again, in front of him, just outside the shower.

He jumps a little but recovers quickly, he kind of expected this when he got in the shower, he just hoped she wouldn't be there.

"How'd you get in?" he mutters, not really expecting an answer.

"Are you trying to shut me out?" She asks, sadly. Her eyes are digging into him again.

"No, I just wanted to sleep. McCoy suggested it, it wasn't my idea. I don't know what I want anymore. I just want peace."

"So do I… But I also know you still want me around."

"Ah, don't say that," he mutters, rubbing his eyes. "I still love you so so much but I want to stop hurting. I don't want to hold you back either. Neither of us can keep living like this."

She frowns at his word choice and shrugs. "It's not like either of us are really living anyway, are we?"

He shakes his head, turning the tap off and wrapping a towel around himself. He shakes some of the water out of his hair like a wet dog. She smiles a little, passing him another towel. He takes it and sits down on the small bench opposite the shower.

"What are we going to do? We don't have many options…"

"You know what our only real option is. I don't like it either, Pav. It's not like we have much of a choice."

He flinches. He has mixed feelings about her calling him Pav. She knows he adores it, it just seems inappropriate now. He swallows uncomfortably and starts drying his messy hair. He hasn't bothered to cut it and he doesn't really want to. He runs his hands through his hair a little to loosen the water and she grins at him from the other side of the bench. She slowly raises her hands towards his hair and he leans towards her so she can run her hands through it. She grins but she's missing something. Pavel closes his eyes and just tries to enjoy having his hair played with.

"It doesn't feel the same," she mutters, almost to herself. She looks at her hands then back up at Pavel.

He gives her a sad smile and leans back. He feels kind of empty and lost but he gets up and finishes drying himself anyway. He feels like McCoy will probably let him return to his room by the end of the day. Return to what is his new normal. Pavel doesn't know how long it will last but for now, he just needs to learn to live with it.

Pavel makes a weird sort of peace with her. There's a routine-like quality to it. Wake up, navigate, come back, eat in his room and not see anyone else. He gets lonely but he still has her, something he has to keep reminding himself. Things this way are better than what they were, or at least that's what he feels for the time being.

Pavel is on his way back to his room when someone stops him. It's Sulu, Pavel should have guessed. He can see how drained the Russian looks, and how pale and sad-looking he has become. Sulu suggests they hang out, or have lunch together at least. Pavel hasn't talked to anyone outside of work for over a week now and he kind of needs the company. He accepts, reluctantly and kind of hopes for the best.

There's a weird sense of coldness as Pavel goes back into his room. The temperature settings are colder than usual and he doesn't bother turning the heat back up. He feels alone and he has a feeling that he's probably going to cop it. A sad facial expression at the very least. But there's nothing, and there's no one. He bites his lip in both fearful frustration and confusion. He gets back into his normal routine of reading on the couch but it feels kind of wrong. He's too distracted to do anything so he just falls into a long and uncomfortable sleep.

The Russian feels heavy when he wakes up; like every part of him is twice its normal weight. He closes his eyes again and just stays there in the sheets, feeling warm and soft even despite the weird heaviness. He tries to push himself up but his arms promptly collapse under him. He sighs and just sits there, kind of unsure what to do. He sits quietly and tries to roll over, only making himself fall onto the floor.

Pavel's PADD is just out of reach and he drags himself towards it, having little success. He can barely lift his arms and he doesn't know if he's more confused or angry. He doesn't know what is happening to him but he feels like it's punishment for earlier. He hates being isolated and he hates feeling helpless. He inches towards his PADD and finally wraps his fingers around the icy metal. He pulls it towards him and turns it on. He uses voice command to compose a somewhat apologetic message to McCoy and hopes that he gets it soon. McCoy doesn't reply in ten minutes so he messages Sulu, having a feeling that he's making things worse for himself but not knowing what else to do.

Sulu comes in and freaks out a little when he sees the Russian on the floor. Pavel insists he's fine but realises he really isn't. Sulu helps pull him onto the couch and he frowns a little realising he has almost no ability to support his own weight.

"You didn't contact McCoy?" Sulu asks passing Pavel a glass of water. Pavel takes it but can hardly hold it and Sulu helps guide it towards his lips. Pavel feels like the biggest idiot and thanks Sulu gratefully.

"I did, he didn't reply. He might be sleeping."

Sulu nods and thinks. He needs to get Pavel to medbay but he doesn't know if he can carry him all the way there. He knows Pavel probably doesn't want a bio bed to get moved in here, the Russian in all honestly does not like being fussed over.

Sulu doesn't really need to decide what to do because McCoy comes in about a minute after Sulu has started thinking. Pavel is kind of glad to see McCoy but he hates having so many people in his room. It feels crowded with anyone other than himself in there. McCoy seems tired or stressed, maybe both. He's quieter and less sarcastic than usual. Pavel explains what has happened to McCoy. Most of the information he doesn't even know himself, he still hasn't figured out why. McCoy looks uneasily to Sulu briefly and starts testing out Pavel's arms. They're a lot weaker than even he expected but McCoy doesn't really say anything.

McCoy and Sulu carry Pavel into medbay and the Russian feels humiliated and stupid. He has to hold back tears at one stage because he feels so pathetic. Sulu smiles at him reassuringly when he's sitting on the biobed waiting for McCoy to come back with a hypo and some kind of medicine he thinks will work. Pavel's whole body feels gelatinous and the hypo doesn't take affect for a solid ten minutes. He gains feeling slowly back into his legs and rolls his ankles around in circles.

When Pavel has regained full mobility McCoy asks Sulu to leave so he and Pavel can talk. Pavel's stomach tightens. He knows that whatever McCoy has to say probably won't be a good thing. McCoy swallows as Sulu leaves and he draws the curtains, pulling up a chair beside the biobed and biting his lip before saying anything.

"I'm gonna cut to the chase. I have to register you emotionally unfit for duty. Effective immediately."

Pavel's mouth drops open and he shakes his head a little lost for words. "But… Please, you can't…"

McCoy's deep brown eyes bare into Chekov a little. He knows the doctor is serious.

"Chekov, you still haven't… Recovered." He is choosing his words carefully but they still hurt. "We think you need to see someone because what you're going through is a sign of trauma. You know, making up people is physically making you sick, it's-"

McCoy is cut off before he can finish. "Making up?" He stammers, "You think I'm making this up?! You think I want to be like this? You think this is a choice! I'm not crazy Leonard, she's there, I'm 100% certain of it. I don't know why, but she is."

McCoy sighs sadly. He wants to believe him, but he can't.

"I'm not crazy," Pavel repeats silently, partly to himself. "I'm not making anything up."

There's a short period of silence and McCoy nods a little. He doesn't know how to treat Pavel, partially because he doesn't want to make him worse and partially because Pavel is his friend. He remembers their first conversation, he was shocked by the Russian's age. Pavel seems more mature since then, a lot has happened to him.

"I know you're there," Pavel says, a slight hint of irritation in his voice. He looks in his bedroom but finds her in the kitchen, sitting at the bench and looking at him. "I hope you're happy, the doctor registered me unfit for duty. I can't work." His hands go up in the air dramatically as he speaks and he has to take a few seconds to calm down before he takes the seat beside her. He replicates a glass of water and drinks it slowly, hoping it will clear his head a little.

"Why are you doing this to me? All I did was have lunch with a friend…"

She looks up at him, sadly, as if there's something he isn't understanding that is otherwise blatantly obvious.

Pavel sighs. "I get that I'm all you have left," he says, his voice softening. "But I can't live like this or I'm going to go mad. Maybe I am already going mad." She can see the pain in his eyes as he looks away and brushes some of his curls from his face. He feels like collapsing onto his bed and falling asleep again but he knows he won't, and he knows he can't.

For a solid thirty four- hours, Pavel stays awake. He's anxious, and he has things to sort out. His body aches a little. He tells himself he'll have a shower soon, but soon never really comes. He still has her in the room with him but he has never felt so lonely. He frowns, and tells himself he'll be okay. He feels like it's a lie.

McCoy checks in on Pavel and scolds him for not sleeping. He passes him a dissolvable tablet thing to stick on his tongue but Pavel just puts it on the bench and leaves it there while the doctor continues his examination. He rattles off a list of things wrong with Pavel and he only half listens. McCoy mutters something about him being justified in taking Pavel off the bridge and that angers him a lot more than he cares to admit. He clenches his fist and bites his lip, feeling the full weight of his exhaustion, transferring itself into frustration. He's more than just physically exhausted at this stage. He has hit a crossroad in a sense, in his own mind. The one place he used to feel safe, but not anymore. His sanctuary has been penetrated with doubt and poisoned with anxiety. He is no longer king in his own mental palace; a blackness is.

Blackness takes over Pavel in the form of passing out. He thinks he remembers taking tablets, he isn't sure. He just remembers stumbling into bed and waking up without any feeling in his left arm. He has slept on it and it slowly regains feeling as his regrets ever getting himself into this mess. He flexes his wrist slowly and just stares at the funny patters his face has made on his arm. He feels empty again and equally as exhausted.

She is in Pavel's kitchen again when he gets out of the shower and he isn't even remotely phased at this point. There's a silent acknowledgment between them now. They both just accept that they're there. Pavel has the urge to stage some kind of intervention and take his life back but he lacks both the energy and will power. She can sense this too, but she doesn't want change.

It takes another two days but the intervention does come in the form of Pavel breaking down finally and him sobbing alone into the pillow, begging her to change things. He didn't originally plan his intervention that way. In his mind it was going to be a slow 'sitting down and talking it through' kind of approach but that simply didn't happen. He manages to dry his eyes and steady his voice a little before taking.

"You know that we can't keep living like this."

She nods.

"I think we need to let go." There's a pause. "We need one more night together, then I think it's time."

He expects an outrage. It never comes.

She nods again, because as much as she hates it, she knows it's the right thing. He smiles a tiny bit, glad that things will change, but frightened of anything actually happening.

(A/N)

Thank you for reading my new piece. I hope you enjoy it. Please review or followif you like it so far.