Chapter Two

Their final night together is precious, and it's something Pavel knows he'll treasure. They looks through photos together and for the first time in a while, they laugh. It's easy, something Pavel always remembered it as. They get all nostalgic and they both wish that all their nights had been more like this. Pavel's half tempted to call everything off. He knows nothing would stay like this if he did but he can't help but dream.

The night draws to an end and they curled up in bed together; a little sleepy and a little over excited. They embrace for the first time since everything happened and Pavel can feel her skin. It's just as he remembered it and it makes his eyes tear up from either happiness or sadness, he isn't sure which. He holds her tightly and cries gently in her shoulder. She's teary too and they both pray that the night will stay forever. It doesn't.

Morning is harsh and the artificial lighting feels acid against their skin. They're a mess in the moment, an entanglement of limbs and blankets. They're comfortable, and warm. That's all that seems to matter. He opens his eyes reluctantly and looks at her. He brushes her hair from her closed eyes and smiles. He places a kiss on her forehead and her eyes flutter open.

"It's time," she mutters, sleepily.

"Five more minutes," he laughs, rolling on top of her and placing kisses down her neck. She feels real again and Pavel swears he never wants to leave this bed. She pulls him down for more kisses and they're both kinda smiling and laughing. It's so freakishly similar to how it used to be. Her hands are all over his back and he feels alive again.

Ten minutes pass, then another ten, and another ten. They're still in bed lying together, sometimes kissing, sometimes not. Pavel knows it's time and his eyes are already red and teary.

"You ready?" she asks. It's a pretty stupid question as far as questions go. Pavel shakes his head and bits his lip to stop it from quivering.

"It's like losing you all over again."

He presses his forehead against her and sniffles, letting his tears fall to the floor rather than wiping them. She takes his hands and squeezes them. Her eyes are watering too. He puts one hand around her waist and the other in her hand.

"One last dance?" He asks softly. She nods.

For a few minutes, Pavel is floating. He's crying but more so from happiness. His eyes are fixated on her and her gentle smile. They're kind of awkward and trip a little over one another but they laugh it off and Pavel twirls her under his arm. He holds her as tightly as he can and places a gently kiss on her neck. The last time they danced like this was the night Pavel proposed. They planned to dance like this again once they tied the knot. It never happened.

The song finishes and Pavel pulls her in for one last kiss. He can taste her again and her arms are digging through the hair on the back of his neck. He presses his lips tightly against her and he can feel her fading.

"I love you Pasha."

"I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart. I love you so much…"

She smiles at him and takes his hands. "I'll see you again someday."

"Someday."

With that, she fades. A smile painted on tear-stained face. She's happy, and she's at peace. Pavel sinks to the floor slowly, feeling sore but content. He knows they did the right thing, she's finally at peace, where she's meant to be. He lies on the floor for a while. He lets himself remember everything that happened. He lets himself mourn, something he thinks he should have done. Losing her killed him too, now he feels he's on a path somewhere better.

McCoy seems a little surprised to see Pavel out of his room and in the rec room. He's just doing a puzzle with one of the younger ship members, a young boy just turning seven. He's from Ukraine and Pavel can't always understand him, but it reminds him of a younger version of himself.

"Chekov?" McCoy asks.

He looks up and then says something quietly to the young Ukrainian boy. He comes over, somewhat unsure of what to say. There's so much to say. Whether McCoy will believe it is another thing entirely. He considers the possibility that no one will ever believe him. That he'll still be considered 'the ghost guy' for years to come. Ironically, the word haunts him. Ghost. She was more than a ghost, but there's no other accurate description.

"Did something happen?" McCoy asks.

Pavel nods, confirming his suspicion. "We have a lot to talk about."

It takes Pavel a lot longer than he anticipated to tell McCoy everything that happened. He starts from the start, not from the previous night. He goes way back to how they met, how they spent their time together, and how everything fell into place. He goes into detail into the lead up and he pauses before he finally says how he lost her. He gets a little teary at one stage. He hasn't thought about the time when he found her, the way her body looked; unholy noise of disbelief that escaped his lips. He thinks he remembers screaming her name. He hasn't used it since.

McCoy was in medbay when her body had come through. There was a cloth over her, partially out of respect and partially not to scare everyone else. Pavel was outside sobbing, being held by Sulu. McCoy remembers passing Sulu a box of tissues for the crying Russian in his arms. He remembers wishing he could heal the Russian, give him something other than sleep medication. There really isn't a medical solution for a broken heart, he figures.

Pavel finishes his story and gently ends with them dancing. McCoy doesn't know what's going on in Pavel's head, but he feels like he has sorted a few things out. Pavel agrees to therapy, something he wouldn't do until know. A sign he is healing, perhaps. McCoy lets him return to work by the end of the week and Pavel is grateful for it. He feels like being back navigating will help him and keep his mind off things.

Sulu is more than surprised to see Pavel at his door. He lets him in, asking him gently if he's okay. Surprisingly, Pavel nods. He's not sure how to explain everything again and he just starts in the only place he thinks he can;

"She's gone now."

They sit down.

"As in, permanently or?"

Pavel shudders a little at the word. He doesn't like the idea that he won't see her again, even in the circumstances he was used to. He nods, however and swallows. Sulu's eyes widen a little. He isn't entirely sure what to say.

"Is that… a good thing?"

There's another silence. "I don't know. It hurts again but I feel like I can heal now. I just… I miss her."

"You really loved her," Sulu says quietly.

Pavel nods, rolling his use of the past tense over and over in head. He did really love her, and he still does. He feels kind of empty and Sulu places his hand on the Russian's shoulder. Pavel sighs and smiles in a small thank you.

Pavel starts his story from the start again. Sulu was with Pavel when he heard, they were in rec room eight, doing very little. He had a bad feeling that morning and he ignored it, assuming it was just him being nervous for an upcoming away mission. He remembers hearing something about an accident in engineering, and he doesn't remember anything anyone said after that, he just remembers running. He sprinted through the corridors of the Enterprise, feeling like he too was moving at warp speed. Sulu was following him; hoping for the best, fearing the worst.

The time after just went in stages to Pavel.

Shock

Numbness

Disbelief

Anger

Sadness

Mourning

Silence

The stages after that were messy, not the clear very defined emotions he had been experiencing. He assumes they were mainly different forms of sadness, but he's not entirely sure. McCoy pointed out that his emotions followed the pattern of a normal reaction to grief but Pavel disagrees a little. He feels something stronger than grief, and he feels like McCoy just doesn't understand.

Pavel takes a break in his story to recollect himself. He doesn't like talking about this, but he knows he needs to. He continues, starting with the time he first saw her after she had died. She was lying on the floor, mangled. He ran over to her, brushing the hair from her eyes, cradling her limp body. She looked at him and smiled softy.

"Pasha," she whispered.

Then, she was gone .

Some told Pavel he screamed, he's still not entirely sure. He thinks he remembers getting pulled away from her. He thinks Sulu held him. He thinks he remembers falling towards the floor. There's a lot he's still unsure of, some of which, he figures, he doesn't want to know.

Sulu listens intently while Pavel runs over everything that happened after she dies from the time he first saw her. He tells Sulu about the sympathy people would always give him. He hated it, it would just remind him of his loss all over again. He tell Sulu about the therapy he refused to have, he tells him about refusing to use her name again. He doesn't know why and it seems like a weird concept, but Sulu just kind of gets it. Pavel tells himself he'll say her name one day again.

The first time Pavel saw her again was in a dream. She was dancing with him, or at least trying to. Pavel still has mixed feeling about the dream. It was more like a hallucination, he had control, he had a lot of free movement and he could touch as well, something he's never done in a dream before. She said she loved him. He cried. She said she wasn't gone. He didn't believe her. His logical and scientific mind wouldn't let him. But she wasn't gone and he found that out the hard way.

She was in his kitchen when he saw her first. He was cleaning and he got a little OCD in the month after she died. He cleaned a lot purely to keep himself busy. He thought he imagined it so he looked away. When he looked back again she was still there. He rubbed his eyes a little.

"Pasha?"

He swore after that and left his room.

He admitted himself to medbay. He told McCoy he thought he was having stress induced hallucinations and McCoy wasn't really as surprised as he should have been. He was honestly waiting for the Russian to crack. He gave him some medication but when Pavel returned to his room she was still there.

"Pasha?"

"What is happening to me….?"

"I told you I wasn't gone."

He started crying then. Partially out of fear, partially out of confusion and loss. He thinks he said something along the lines of 'this can't be real.' He didn't know how he felt after that. He was frightened but ecstatic to have her back.

Simply overloaded with emotion.

He has to stop for a while and collect his thoughts. Sulu gets him a drink and they sit in silence for a while. Pavel doesn't know why he gets so emotional. It's just the one topic that triggers him.

"I never considered her a ghost until now."

"What did you consider her?" Sulu realises he has a slight therapist tinge to his voice and he hopes it comes off as supportive rather than intrusive.

"My fiancé still. My partner, lover, whatever you want to call it. She was always just her, even if she was a ghost. I never saw her as otherwise."

Sulu nods and feels kinda sorry for his friend. They were meant to be getting married in a few weeks' time from now. Sulu was going to be the best man for the wedding and he saw how excited Pavel was about it. He'd get all excited when someone asked him about it and he'd always update Sulu on any details they'd decided.

"Do you think I'll ever recover?"

It's a sudden question but Sulu feels it's a valid one.

"You will," Sulu says, and he means it. Pavel nods. He hopes he's right.