Chapter Four

Ender grows older and starts talking. Pavel finds himself at a loss for words. Ender's first word is 'papa' and Pavel tears up when he says it. His second word is Su, a shortened version of Sulu that makes both men laugh. Sulu's married a nice man named Ben and Pavel's so happy for his friend. There's something cute about Ender and 'Su' that Pavel can't really describe. He's glad Ender has adults around him other than himself. He just wishes he had more females in his life. He has a few friends that are girls but he isn't super close with them like he is with Sulu or Scotty or anyone. Ender says 'Papa' loudly and pulls Pavel away from his thoughts. He smiles down at his son and joins him amongst a pile of blocks on the floor. He brushes his son's curly blonde hair from his eyes and smiles.

Ender's words form into sentences and more specifically questions. Ender is just as curious as Pavel was as a child, which Pavel barely thought was possible. He answers Ender's questions to the best of his abilities. They spend a lot of time looking at books and Ender spends a lot of his time working with Pavel. He asks a lot of questions on the bridge and Spock seems to be a valuable resource. He has seemingly endless patience and the in-depth answers that Ender needs. Pavel thanks Spock a lot and he brushes off the gratitude away in a weird Vulcan kind of way. Kirk lets Ender sit in the captain's chair and asks the young boy if he wants to be captain someday. Ender says no and Pavel's a little surprised until he says he wants to be a navigator just like his father. There are a few warm smiles across the bridge and Pavel swells with pride.

As time passes things seem to change but not just with Pavel and Ender. He was conscious of how Sulu and Ben were progressing but anything else just seems like a shock to him. Spock and Uhura get married, Scotty meets an engineer who loves the Enterprise just as much as he does. Kirk seems to stay with one person for more than a few weeks and one of Pavel's other friends in engineering have a baby. Another couple on the Enterprise adopt a child Ender's age and they play together in one of the rec rooms. The little girl asks Ender where his mum is and things seem to freeze up from there. Ender blinks blankly, confused by the very question and tells her he doesn't understand. Pavel tries to distract the two of them by asking is they want to see Ender's collection of xeno-crystals. For a while, Pavel thinks he's escaped the question that he really doesn't want to answer until Ender's friend leaves. He's inundated with questions and Pavel find himself overwhelmed. He tries to start some sort of explanation and finds himself breaking down. He tells Ender he's not feeling well and has a shower, trying to figure out what he's going to do. He knows he's only delaying the inevitable but he has no other solution.

McCoy seems surprised by Pavel coming to him for parenting advice but understand after realising he's the only parent that Pavel really knows. McCoy kind of realises how delicate the situation is and he knows that Ender will probably understand but what he's really worried about is how his friend is going to tell his son. He knows Pavel's strong but can be fragile when it comes to the mother of his child. McCoy doesn't really know what solutions to offer the Russian and has to think for a while before he says anything.

"I think you should tell him all about her."

"You do?"

"Show him photos, tell him stories. Make him feel close to her. I don't think she should be a secret and I think Ender deserves to know."

Pavel nods. As much as he knows that he'll struggle to talk to his son about his mother, he knows he needs to.

"Ender," Pavel calls. He's been raising his son in a mix of both English and Russian but he seems to favour English. "I've got something to show you." Ender appears and Pavel summons him over to the couch and he has a dusty book on his lap. Ender looks at it quietly but says nothing, waiting for his father to explain. "You asked me the other day about a mother and I didn't get the chance to answer you. You have a mother and you deserve to know about her."

This time Pavel keeps himself together. He tells Ender how they met. He tells him about her smile and the way she made him feel. He tells him about how funny she was and how much she loved machines and how happy Pavel was with her. He tells Ender what happened to her, in a very child-friendly version. He explains how much it hurt him to not have her around and Ender shuffles closer to his father, sensing that he's sad. Pavel has to stop for a second and wipe away a few tears. He apologises but Ender doesn't know why. He runs his hands across the dusty album and remembers the last time he opened the book when they were together. He takes his son's hand with a weak smile and places it on the cover. They open it together and the only thing Ender says is 'she's beautiful.'

Pavel lets himself cry as they go through the album. He cries when he sees the first photo they took together. A photo together in the snow at the academy. There's a moment when Ender leans on his father and just looks silently at the photos. Pavel kisses his head and for once, he doesn't feel so alone.

"What was her name?"

Pavel freezes as the question. Ender looks expectantly at his father as his lip quivers. He doesn't think he can say her name aloud but he knows he wants to.

"Ciara."

There's a silence for a while and Pavel's mouth feels dry. He misses her more than he ever has and he has to wipe his eyes every few seconds. Saying her name felt like reopening a wound he didn't know was still there.

"I wish I got to meet her," Ender says gently.

"She would have loved you with all her heart. She will always love you, wherever she is and I never want you to forget that."

Ender leans against his father again and looks up at him. "I love you papa," he says quietly.

"I love you too, Ender."

Ender seems to know how to talk to people about his mother, a lot better than Pavel does. People ask Ender where his mum is and his reply is always the same; 'Elsewhere.' Pavel thinks it's sweet but the other children he encounters just seem confused. They set up a small shrine of sorts on their bookshelf. It's a picture of her and a few candles. Ender adds his favourite xeno-crystal to the shrine and Pavel smiles because he knows that she would have appreciated it. Pavel feels like she's become a part of their life and he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off him.

As soon as Ender's a teenager, Pavel feels disconnected from his son. He knows Ender's grown up on a space ship and that he wants to settle down. Pavel doesn't want to but when they return to earth for docking and refuelling, he resigns. He's leaving what he loves the most and he cries a little as he says goodbye to the bridge crew. They're surprised that he's leaving so suddenly but support his decision. Pavel goes down to medbay to see the doctor and flings his arms around him as soon as he sees him. Pavel sniffs into the doctor's shoulder because no matter what he says, any thank you just doesn't seem like enough. It's Sulu that Pavel has the most trouble leaving. He cries a lot and Ender seems a little embarrassed to see the state his father's in. Pavel knows that he's not leaving any of his friends really but he's at the realisation that the best times of his life is coming to a close and all the amazing times he's spent are no more than memories inside his head. He stands on the transporter pad teary eyed but smiling. He says 'energise' shakily but before he can let out a sob he's standing on solid ground, back on the planet he's always called home. He smiles at Ender, trying to be a lot braver than he feels.

Moving into a house surprises Pavel at the pure foreignism of it all. He has to buy furniture and sort a lot of things out but he doesn't have the energy after being drained emotionally. Ender seems content, he goes straight to his room to set it up and Pavel feels quite alone. He misses the stars already and solid ground just doesn't suit him anymore. He tells himself he'll get used to it and he tells himself his son will be happy.

Ender is not happy and high school becomes a challenge for him. He skips two grades, something Pavel isn't surprised by. He made his son work hard on board the Enterprise and it's paid off. Seeing Ender is like looking in an old mirror. Pavel remembers what it was like being so much younger and he tries to offer Ender any support he can. School seems to stress Ender and he becomes a lot less involved in Pavel's life. He tries to be strong, partially for himself but mainly for his son. He isn't sure if he succeeds or not.

Pavel has always tried to talk to Ender and has always had a good response. As soon as he starts neglecting to tell Pavel things he starts getting worried and paranoid. He wants his son to talk to him and feel open and safe in their conversations. Pavel tries to initiate more conversation during meals but his son only gives simple, English answers even when spoken to in Russian. Pavel wants to take Ender to Russia but he seems to have little interest.

Pavel has a hard time being unemployed and not knowing what to do with his time. He's applied at a ridiculous number of places but no one seems interested. Space navigation isn't the most useful skill for anywhere other than space and Pavel feels at a loss of what to do.

Three weeks into unemployment Pavel has finished unpacking and starts listing the furniture he should be getting. He needs a shelf for the picture of his lover, somewhere a little nicer than the kitchen bench. He blows a kiss to her picture and asks that she gives him the strength to be a good parent to their son. He misses having Ender around him and he realises he probably needs to find some friends on this planet. He buys himself a guitar and figures it'll keep him entertained for a while at least.

Pavel's concerned to say the least when he gets called into Ender's school. He makes his way over there and waits quietly outside the office. Ender isn't around and he fiddles with his engagement ring, a nervous habit he finds he's almost always had. He goes into talk to the principal and Ender still isn't there, something which Pavel can't identify as either a good or bad thing.

"Is everything alright?" Pavel asks quietly, taking a seat opposite the principal. His office is well decorated with a lot of various historical artefacts. Pavel thinks they're pretty interesting but tries to keep his attention on his son.

"I find your question a little hard to answer, in all honesty. Mr Chekov, there was an incident today in class where your son…" The principal seems a little stuck on how to explain the situation and Pavel stomach is tying itself in a knot. "Ender started panicking in class and exclaiming that… That he had seen a ghost."

"A ghost?" Pavel asks, in shock. He has a feeling he knows exactly what ghost he might be seeing. He can feel his face going pale. "Is, is he alright?"

"He's with the nurse at the moment. Does your son have a history of drugs or any kind of hallucinogenic substances?"

"No, not at all," Pavel mutters, looking at the floor.

"I'll call him into the office and you can take him home. He might need some time away from school or maybe there's something else on his mind. He's spent a lot of time in outer space hasn't he?"

"His whole life," Pavel says with a weak laugh. He thanks the principal and waits quietly in the office for his son to return.

The nurse talks to Pavel for a while about what she thinks are the possible causes. She said it might be a drug of sorts but Ender denies taking anything. She suggests stress, sleeping problems or emotional problems and Pavel nods along to all of them. She suggests he tries taking something for sleep and Pavel thanks her gently, feeling like he's the one who'll need the sleep medication more than anything. He walks Ender out of the school in silence and waits a few minutes before starting the car.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"I might be able to help you…?"

"No."

"Ender please don't close yourself off, I care about you and-"

"No, okay. Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk about it."

Pavel does nothing other than sigh and put his keys in the ignition. They're silent the whole way home and Pavel feels ridiculously drained. He has a lot of questions that he knows his son won't answer and they're kind of eating at him. As soon as they're home, Ender enters his room and doesn't come out. If anything, Pavel expected it but it doesn't hurt any less. He falls into an uncomfortable sleep and finds his eyes watering when he wakes up. He realises he's been crying in his sleep and sits there for a while in the dark, not sure what to do. He gets up and cooks dinner, knocking on Ender's door once it's ready.

"Ender, dinner's ready," he says, switching to Russian. He knows his son understands, whether he replies in Russian or not.

"I don't want dinner."

Pavel sighs and leans his head against the door, feeling like he's getting shut out of his son's life, not just his room. "Let me know if I can get you anything, okay?" His voice is soft and gentle but he doesn't get any kind of reply. He didn't really expect one.

For the first time in a while Pavel eats alone and he feels emptier than ever. He loves his son, a lot more than he ever thought he could. He places his dishes in the sink and wraps Ender's up to put in the fridge. He looks over at the picture of his lover and sighs, giving her a weak smile and hoping that she'd be proud of him. He goes back to his guitar and tries to teach himself more than the one chord he already knows. He's not bad at guitar considering he hasn't had it long but he's honestly just glad for something to pass the time.

(A/N)

Not going to lie, I cried writing this chapter. Hope you enjoy.