Chapter 19 – Tears Never Show in the Pouring Rain
Rachel groaned as she stepped out of the coffee shop. Not only was she not supposed to work that evening, but it was raining and she didn't have an umbrella with her. Before April locked up the shop, Rachel ducked inside and grabbed one of the free newspapers to use as cover. She doubted it would work that well, but at least it was something and maybe she could run to the subway station without looking like a drowned rat.
"This was not in the forecast," Rachel complained.
"Don't bitch," April replied. "It's not like you're going to melt."
"I would still rather not get soaked," Rachel said with a huff.
April shrugged. "I'm used to it."
"Yes, being from Seattle, I can imagine you would be," Rachel remarked.
"So suck it up," April said, slapping her on the back. "I'll see you Thursday."
"Goodnight," Rachel replied.
"Later," April said, throwing her hand up as she walked away.
Rachel turned and began quickly walking, trying to avoid puddles. She was waiting at the crosswalk for the light to turn when she heard the sound. It was a loud bang and the sound of metal crunching together. She looked around for the source and it took her a moment, but then she saw it. One car had rear-ended another, probably at a fairly high speed if the damage was anything to go by and the fact that it sent both cars into the center of the road, turning them perpendicular.
The sound alone had been enough to make her stomach churn, but the sight made it worse. Before she could stop herself, her mind went to Shelby. She didn't know a lot about the wreck that took her life, but she did know it had been dark and rainy and her car was hit head-on. She wondered if Shelby died instantly or if she was conscious when it happened.
And then she thought of Beth.
She couldn't imagine what she went through. As she sat there waiting to be rescued, did she know her mom had died or was Shelby alive to comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay even though it wasn't going to be.
The water on her face was no longer just from the rain; tears were streaming down her face and she didn't bother trying to wipe them away. She was frozen to the spot, staring at the wreck, as people around tried to help, which only made her wonder how long it took people to help Shelby and Beth. She had no idea what had happened to the other driver, so she didn't know if they were the ones to call for help or if it had been someone else.
She never asked because she didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to know if Shelby died instantly or if she suffered, if Beth knew what was happening or if she was clueless, if Shelby thought of her while she was in the car or if she didn't give her a thought—but now she couldn't think of anything else.
She didn't even realize she had fallen to her knees until someone was trying to help her up. They were saying something to her, but she couldn't seem to comprehend the words. The woman was a complete stranger, but she could see the worry in the older woman's eyes. She wanted to say something; no words were coming out, though.
"Are you okay?"
She finally focused long enough to hear the words, and all she could do was nod dumbly even though she wasn't okay. She was very far from okay at the moment.
She knew she needed to go home, but Beth was there and she couldn't go there looking like this. The last thing she wanted to do was upset her, too, and she knew if she walked in, Kurt would instantly know that something was wrong and ask her about it. And going to April's was out of the question; they were friends, but she wasn't the type of friend you could have a breakdown in front of.
"What's wrong with her?" a male voice asked.
"I don't know," the first woman answered.
"I'm fine," Rachel mechanically said, finally letting the woman help her up.
"You don't look fine," the man said.
Rachel didn't say anything else as she turned and began walking toward the subway. She just hoped she could find the place she was looking for since it had only been pointed out to her once.
Rachel stood on the sidewalk, staring up at the building. The newspaper was long abandoned, and she was drenched from head to toe, but she didn't care anymore. It was the furthest thing from her mind and she stood there. She could imagine how terrible she looked at the moment, and when the door opened, Quinn stopped in the doorway and just stared at her. She had no idea which apartment was Quinn's, so she'd blindly texted that she was outside. She was just luckily it was legible enough for Quinn to get the message.
"What's wrong?" Quinn asked, running out into the rain. "Did someone hurt you?"
Rachel shook her head as Quinn wrapped an arm around her, leading her into the building. Quinn didn't ask anything else as she led them to the second floor and into her apartment. As Quinn led her to the couch, she looked around, wondering if Quinn's roommate was there, too, but it appeared as if they were alone in the place.
"I'll be right back," Quinn said after she sat her down.
Rachel waited, not moving a muscle except when she involuntarily shook. Water was dripping off her hair, onto her hand, and she kept following the movement with her eyes. She could hear Quinn rummaging around in the other room, and then she finally came out, walking back over to Rachel.
"You're wet," Rachel said, looking at Quinn, and then looking down. "And your couch is wet."
"The couch and I are both fine," Quinn said, wrapping a towel around Rachel. "But you're not. Are you going to tell me what happened?"
Rachel sniffled and felt fresh tears come to her eyes. "I was leaving work and I just—there was a car wreck and—" Rachel swallowed thickly, slowly shaking her head back and forth. "I don't know what happened. I just started thinking about Shelby. When she died, I was so worried about taking care of the funeral and then getting Beth that I don't think I fully processed what happened. I think I've been numb to it this whole time, but seeing those two cars—everything hit me.
"I'm never going to see her again. Things are never going to be okay between us; I'm never going to have a relationship with her. I accepted a long time ago that I was never going to get that mother-daughter relationship, but I hoped we could at least be friends one day. I don't understand why she wanted me to have Beth when I wasn't good enough for her. Was it just another slap in the face?"
For the first time in her life, she found herself wrapped in Quinn's arms. Her tears began to fall quicker as she cried on Quinn's shoulder. It was weird knowing Quinn was the one comforting her considering she was often the cause of her tears. The blonde was holding her tightly, occasionally rubbing her back or squeezing her arm. She appreciated that Quinn didn't say anything; instead, she just let her cry, which is exactly what Rachel needed. She'd been holding everything in for so long and now it was all coming out.
She had no idea how long she was there crying, but eventually her tears became fewer and further between. She was still fairly soaked, but her hair had finally stopped dripping and was beginning to dry.
"I'm sorry," Rachel said, pulling away as she wiped her remaining tears away.
"Don't be," Quinn replied.
"I just cried all over you for who knows how long and I'm fairly certain I've ruined your couch," Rachel said.
Quinn shook her head. "Don't worry about it."
"I'm also sorry I just showed up like this," Rachel said, sniffling. "Beth is at the apartment and I didn't want to let her see me like this."
"Can you stop apologizing?" Quinn asked with a faint smile. "We're friends and friends randomly show up when they need each other."
"I know, but—" Rachel shook her head.
"Come on," Quinn said, standing up. "Let's find you something to change into."
"You really don't have to do tha—"
"Rachel!" Quinn said, interrupting her. "Let me help you."
Rachel gave a shuddering laugh. "Alright."
"Do you, umm—want to stay here tonight?" Quinn asked.
Rachel was about to say no, but then she realized it may be a good idea. "If it's not too much trouble."
Rachel stood, following Quinn into what she could only assume was her bedroom. She stood near the door while Quinn opened up her dresser and then went to the closet. When she came back, she handed Rachel the clothes and crossed her arms over her chest.
"I'll let you get changed," Quinn said before turning around and closing the door behind her.
Rachel stripped off her wet clothes and dropped them to the floor. Her bra was fairly drenched, but she guessed there was nothing to be done about that. She put the plain pajama pants on, which were a little long but otherwise fit okay, and then looked at the shirt Quinn had given her. It was a red Cheerios shirt and she stared at it for moment before slipping it over her head. She looked down at herself and furrowed her brows. It was definitely something she never thought she would see herself in.
After picking up her wet clothes, she walked into the living room and asked, "Is there some place I can hang these?"
"The bathroom's through there," Quinn said, pointing to the door on the other side of the room.
Rachel nodded and took her clothes into the bathroom, throwing them over the shower rod. When she walked back into the living room, Quinn was sitting down on the couch.
"Sorry about the shirt," Quinn said, watching her. "I was supposed to do laundry yesterday, but didn't get home until late."
"It's fine," Rachel replied. "At least it's dry." Rachel looked down. "I never thought I would ever be wearing one of these. I'm pretty sure Coach Sylvester would already be on her way here to tear it off me if she knew I was wearing it."
Rachel sat down, wiping away a tear that she didn't even know was there until it started to fall. A few more came to her eyes and she closed her lids, trying to keep them at bay. She wished she could stop thinking about Shelby, but flashes of her kept popping into her mind.
"Rach?" Quinn said, and Rachel could hear the concern in her voice.
"I'll be fine," Rachel replied.
She pressed the palm of her hands to her eyes and sniffed. She was afraid she was going to start sobbing again, so she tried to think of happy things, but it didn't work.
"It's okay," Quinn said, putting her arms around Rachel again.
Rachel sat on the couch, holding the cup of tea Quinn had made her. She didn't know what the blonde was doing, but she'd been in her bedroom for a little while. Rachel had finally stopped crying, but remained mostly silent, and Quinn didn't try to get her to speak. It was actually kind of nice being around Quinn at this time; Kurt would have asked too many questions and Rachel really didn't feel like talking about anything at the moment.
Rachel looked up as the door to the bedroom opened, and Quinn came out with her phone in her hand. She set the phone on the coffee table and sat next to Rachel, leaving a respectable distance between them. As Rachel looked at the phone, she wondered if Kurt was worrying; she was supposed to have been home a few hours ago and she hadn't called to let him know that she wasn't coming home tonight.
"I should probably call Kurt," Rachel commented.
"I just did," Quinn replied. "I hope you don't mind."
"No," Rachel said, rubbing her eye.
"I also called my roommate," Quinn continued. "She went to a club and wasn't planning on coming home anyway, so you won't have to deal with her."
"What time is it?" Rachel asked.
"After midnight," Quinn replied.
Rachel nodded. "What time do you have to be at work?"
"Eight," Quinn answered.
"I suppose we should get some sleep, then," Rachel remarked, setting her mug down.
"You can take my bed," Quinn said.
"Nonsense," Rachel replied. "I'm the one who barged in here; you should have your bed. I'm perfectly fine with sleeping on the couch."
"I'm not letting you sleep on the couch," Quinn said. "Besides, it's still wet."
"Which is why you shouldn't have to be the one to sleep on it," Rachel replied.
"Well, I would say I can sleep in my roommate's bed, but I'm pretty sure she would kill me," Quinn stated.
Rachel nervously played with the drawstring on the pajama pants she was wearing. She didn't want what she was going to suggest to be taken the wrong way and she also didn't want to make Quinn uncomfortable.
"Maybe—maybe we could share your bed," Rachel suggested. "We're both adults and it is the only solution I can see."
Quinn opened and closed her mouth and then paused before saying, "Okay."
"Are you sure you're okay with it?" Rachel asked. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable; this is your apartment, after all."
"Come on," Quinn said, standing up.
"You're really sure?" Rachel asked, needing an answer.
Quinn laughed lightly. "As you say, we're both adults. I'm more worried about you being uncomfortable with it."
"I trust you," Rachel stated.
Quinn's eyebrows furrowed slightly and then a small smile came across her lips. Rachel didn't trust her with everything—she still had issues with certain aspects—but she did trust her enough to sleep beside her.
Together, they walked into the bedroom and began getting ready to sleep. Thankfully, Quinn kept a new toothbrush in the medicine cabinet for an occasion such as this, so Rachel didn't have to go to bed without brushing. They moved silently around one another as they did their nightly routines—obviously Rachel had to skip much of hers—and Rachel felt much better when she took her makeup off. When she looked at her reflection in the mirror while brushing her teeth, she realized how badly her mascara had run. She'd looked terrible and was embarrassed that Quinn saw her like that.
When they finally got into bed, Rachel laid on her back, too afraid to move. The last thing she wanted was to accidently end up too close to Quinn or even worse—what if she accidently found herself cuddling Quinn in the morning? She knew it was possibility, so she stayed as close to the edge as possible and willed her body not to betray her.
"Can I ask you something?" Rachel said into the darkness.
"Okay," Quinn replied.
"Why did you pick Shelby?" Rachel asked. "Why is she the one you gave Beth to?"
"You probably think it was just another way to get at you, don't you?" Quinn asked.
"It has crossed my mind," Rachel admitted.
"That's not why I did it," Quinn stated. "I knew Shelby wanted a daughter and could give Beth a better life than I ever could. I really didn't think about how it would affect you. Maybe I should have, but I was only thinking about my daughter and what I thought was best for her. I'm sorry if it hurt you, but I don't regret it because I know Shelby was a great mother to her, which is all I hoped for."
Rachel didn't know what she wanted to hear when she asked the question, but she could understand Quinn's reasoning. It was nice to hear that she didn't do it just to spite her, which was something she had always suspected. She really couldn't begrudge Quinn for it; if it was her daughter, she would have wanted what she thought was best, too.
When Rachel opened her eyes in the morning, she was happy to see she was still on her side of the bed. As she turned, though, she groaned; her head was pounding, probably from all the crying she did the previous night. She looked to her left to make sure she hadn't woke up Quinn, but the blonde wasn't beside her any longer. She wondered if Quinn was already up and at work, but she looked at the clock and it wasn't even seven yet. Rubbing her temples, she got up and padded across the bedroom, trying to ignore her throbbing head. As she opened up the door, she could smell food cooking and found Quinn in the kitchen.
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Quinn asked when she looked up and saw her.
"No," Rachel said, walking across the room. "Do you have any Advil or Tylenol or—anything to stop my head from pounding?"
Quinn reached up to the top of the refrigerator and pulled down a bottle of medicine, handing it to Rachel. "My roommate gets a lot of hangovers, so we just keep it up there."
"Thank you," Rachel said, hoping it would relieve some of the pain.
"There are bottles of water in the fridge," Quinn added. "And the food's almost done."
"What are you making?" Rachel inquired.
"French toast," Quinn replied. "And don't worry; you can eat it. There's a small store just down the street, so I went and got a few things to make breakfast."
"You really didn't have to do that," Rachel remarked.
"Maybe I wanted to," Quinn replied.
"You've just already done a lot for me," Rachel said, shrugging.
"I didn't do a lot," Quinn argued.
Rachel shook her head. "You did. Thank you for letting me cry all over you yesterday; I don't know where I would have gone if I didn't come here. I don't really have a lot of friends here, so it was nice having someone there for me."
"You don't need to thank me," Quinn replied. "We're friends; it's what friends do."
Rachel felt an enormous amount of gratitude toward the blonde even if she didn't think what she did was a big deal. Kurt was probably the only other person she'd ever been friends with that would have let her cry like that, and even if Quinn didn't think it was anything special, Rachel did. She knew how hard it was to find good friends, and even though she never though she could count as one of those, she was beginning to realize that she could.
"Here you are," Quinn said, holding out a plate to her.
Rachel took the food with a smile and then set it down on the counter. Quinn looked at her curiously, but Rachel ignored the look and put her arms around Quinn, hugging her. It took a moment, but Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist returning the hug.
"Thank you," Rachel said.
"You're welcome," Quinn whispered almost directly into her ear.
Kurt was on her the moment she slid the door open, and she looked around for Beth, making sure she was at least out of earshot before Kurt began questioning her. Beth was nowhere to be seen, though, so Rachel assumed she was in her bedroom.
"What happened?" Kurt asked when she didn't say anything.
"Quinn didn't tell you?" she asked.
"She told me you were upset and didn't want Beth to see you like that, so you were staying over," Kurt replied.
Rachel sighed. "Is Beth in her room?"
"She's still asleep," Kurt answered.
"Asleep?" Rachel asked. "Shouldn't she be up by now?"
"We may have stayed up late," Kurt said with a shrug.
"So this is what happens when I'm not home to supervise you two?" Rachel asked, putting her hands on her hips.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "It's not like it really matters; she doesn't start school for another month."
"Fine," Rachel said, sighing. "But we can't do this all the time. I would like to keep her on a fairly consistent schedule."
"Fine," Kurt replied. "Now, are you going to tell me why you stayed at Quinn's last night or am I going to have to drag it out of you?"
"I saw a car wreck on the way home," Rachel stated.
"Oh no," Kurt said.
"Yes," Rachel said, ducking her head. "It made me think of Shelby and before I knew it, I was crying on the sidewalk. I didn't want to come here and upset Beth, and the only place I could think to go was Quinn's. She was nice enough to hug me while I cried on her shoulder."
"Sweetie," Kurt said, tilting his head as he looked at her in concern.
"I'm okay now," Rachel said before he could say anything else. "I just—everything hit me at once. I've been trying not to feel anything about it and it just all came pouring out. I began to think about what it must have been like in that car and started to wonder what it was like for Beth. I don't know if Shelby died instantly or if she suffered, and the more I thought about it, the more emotional I became. I've known that I'll never see her again or finally have the relationship with her that I've always wanted, but it really just hit me last night. I'm never going to have a mom and I'm never going to get a chance to say all the things I've wanted to say to her."
Kurt pulled her into a hug. "I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be there with you."
"It's okay," Rachel said, sniffling as Kurt released her. "She's not you, but Quinn did a rather good job."
"Really?" Kurt asked.
"I was a little surprised myself," Rachel replied. "I'm still used to Quinn the Ice Quinn, and it was nice to see her caring side."
"So, did you sleep on her couch?" Kurt asked not so subtly.
"No, I slept in her bed," Rachel replied.
Kurt nodded. "So she slept on the couch."
"Actually, I sort of soaked her couch from being out in the rain so long without an umbrella, so we shared her bed," Rachel explained.
"Oh." Kurt's eyebrow rose. "Nothing happened between you two, right?"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Other than her holding me while I cried myself to sleep? No."
When she went to bed, she thought she was okay, but as she laid there, her mind began to wonder. Before she knew it, she was crying again, and Quinn had moved over to pull her into a hug. She had no idea when she finally fell asleep, but she did know Quinn's arms were around her when she finally did.
"I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't ask," Kurt said with a shrug.
"You mean a nosy friend," Rachel said, smiling slightly.
"Okay, yes," Kurt replied. "You can't blame a friend for wondering." Kurt wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I just want you to be happy, and if there's someone in your life that has the chance of doing that, I would like to know."
"Well, nothing happened," Rachel stated. "But I'm beginning to think that maybe there could be something there."
It was the first time she had said it aloud to him, but it was something she had been thinking more and more about. She was finally beginning to see Quinn for who she was now, and she knew her feelings were starting to change. She didn't know what that meant for them exactly, but she thought that she may be ready to find out.
Okay, this was the last chapter before my break. I should be back sometime in mid to late January; once I know for sure, I'll announce it on twitter and tumblr, so you can keep an eye out for that.