Chapter Five
"I got a job," Pavel smiles. It's been nearly a week since the whole ghost incident and Pavel hasn't heard anything more about it from his son. He hasn't heard much of anything from his son.
"Where at?" he asks solemnly, lacking the enthusiasm the Pavel couldn't help but hope for.
"As a maintenance worker for the shopping centre on Twelfth Ave. Not quite what I had in mind but it'll me busy for a while I guess." He shoots his son a hopeful smile that doesn't get returned and he pulls up to the school gates. "I love you," he says as Ender leaves the car.
He mutters an insincere 'you too' back to his father and leaves without looking back. Pavel sighs and remembers the son he used to have. The happiest, brightest little boy on the whole ship. Filled with love and completely unstoppable. He sighs as he drives away from the school gates.
Pavel starts working within a few days and although he's used to starships and not elevators and escalators, he picks them up quite quickly. He fixes a hand-dryer in the men's bathroom and a deep fryer from a Chinese restaurant because he still has the time and there's little else to do but finds himself distracted enough to be happy.
Ender doesn't ask how Pavel's works going and he feels a lot lonelier than he cares to admit. His job involves very little collaboration with others which he's just not used to. He misses his large extended family aboard the Enterprise and has to stop thinking about it so he doesn't start crying. He messages Sulu telling him he misses everyone and he can't help but let a few tears fall from his eyes. He goes to bed early and knocks on Ender's door to tell him goodnight. He gets a very quiet and short response but he tells himself he doesn't mind.
They're eating dinner at the table in silence when Ender suddenly starts choking on his food. Pavel's quick to his feet but the food doesn't seem to be the problem. Ender scrambles from the chair, wide-eyed and fearful of something behind Pavel. He turns around but sees nothing and Ender runs into his room before Pavel can say anything. He looks around the room and sighs, wondering if this is how Sulu felt when he was like this.
"Ender?" He asks gently.
"Go away," Ender says angrily. Pavel can tell he's crying and he sighs against the door.
"I know who you're seeing. It's her, isn't it? It's your mother."
The door opens and Ender looks breathlessly at his father. Pavel smiles at him weakly. "It happened to me too. A few weeks after I lost her. She was with me for ages as well. Just… please let me talk with you. I can help you, or I can try, at least."
Ender nods and moves so his father can enter his room. It seems like a foreign place to him almost after how they've been recently. He thinks he's been in his son's new room once and it makes him miss the times when he'd spend the whole day in Ender's room reading or playing or learning. He takes a seat in Ender's desk chair and Ender sits on the bed, rubbing tears quickly from his eyes.
"Want to tell me what happened at school?"
"I just looked up and she was outside. She was looking at me and smiling and I knew it was her. I just… Freaked out. I didn't know what to do. I think I screamed and I remember someone taking me to the nurse's office. She appeared again a few nights ago, in the middle of the night and I thought it was a dream but just then she was in the kitchen and…"
"You should talk to her."
"Talk to her? Are you crazy?"
"You're the one seeing ghosts," Pavel counters, his facial expression hardening a little. "You should talk to her. It's probably why she's back because she has something to tell you. She came back because I wasn't mourning properly. She helped me heal."
Ender just nods and sighs. "Should I go down now?"
"If you think you're ready."
Ender walks back down the stairs slowly with his father following closely behind him. Pavel can't see her and isn't entirely sure if he'd like to or not. He misses her more than ever now but he feels like he needs to support Ender which he can't do back how he was when his wife was a ghost.
"What do I say?" Ender asks shakily, stopping before he reaches the kitchen. "I don't even know what to say."
"You don't need to think about it. She's your mother, she loves you."
"But she's never even met me. She doesn't know me, what if she doesn't like me?"
Pavel places a hand on his back and walks him into the kitchen. Ender flinches when he walks into the kitchen and that's how Pavel knows she's there. He tells Ender he's alright and they sit down at the table. Ender unable to look forward.
"Do you know if she can hear me?" He asks Ender, waiting for a response from his son. He looks up and nods shakily.
"I've missed you, Ciara," he says gently, saying her name for the second time since her death. Pavel can't help but smile. "We've both missed you."
"She misses you too," Ender mutters, blinking his dark blue eyes at his father. Ender starts talking to his mother and Pavel can't tell what she's responding and can't feel her presence like he used to but he's glad she's there. He listens carefully to everything Ender says and can't contribute but enjoys listening.
"She wants me to tell you something," Ender mutters. "She says she loves you and she's proud of the job you've done raising me." He pauses for a second, looking like he's tearing up. "She said she couldn't have asked for a better father for her son and-" Ender sniffs and wipes his eyes. "And that she wants you to be happy and move on."
Pavel looks up at where Ciara should be and swallows uncomfortably. "I love you, my dear. Thank you. I'm trying my hardest."
"She said she loves you too." Ender looks over at Pavel then back over. "Where'd she go? She just disappeared…"
"Your mother has always been a very free spirited person. She comes and goes as she pleases. She'll probably be back again. She won't leave without a proper goodbye."
"This is weird," Ender pouts.
Pavel sighs and tries to hide his sadness. He didn't know how Ender would react but he was hoping he'd be a bit more glad to meet his mother, not just pass it off as a general weird occurrence. He suggests Ender gets some sleep and the boy knows his father is emotional in one way or another and he just does what he says. Pavel says goodnight and tells Ender he loves him and he gets quiet 'goodnight' but he figures it's better than nothing.
In the morning, Ender doesn't seem to get up for school and Pavel knocks on his door, knowing he has to leave in twenty minutes. Ender mutters something about not going to school and Pavel said he knows. He asks if he can open the door and Ender says 'fine' reluctantly and Pavel goes in.
"I have work today. You'll be alright by yourself, right?" Ender looks up at him, surprised his father isn't telling him he's meant to be at school. "There's food in the fridge and just don't leave the house, okay? I'll be back before 4:00 but you should be fine until then right?"
Ender nods. "What if she comes back?"
"Talk to her, she's not going to hurt you. You have my number if anything happens."
"Okay," Ender mutters. "See you."
Pavel says goodbye quietly and closes the door. He trusts Ender not to do anything stupid but worries about how he'd react if his mother returned. He looks towards the photo of her as he takes his keys from the kitchen bench.
"I miss you," he mumbles, walking out the door.
Work is quiet again but Pavel kind of likes it that way. The admin building where he fills out his reports when he's not actively fixing something is tranquil and the women who work there are polite towards Pavel. They appreciate someone who doesn't treat them like they're secretaries, more like they're senior officers. They figure it's because he's been through Starfleet and is expected to be polite and respectful but if anything it's just because he's a nice person. He works away at his desk and gets a substantial amount of work done compared to their previous employee. Pavel's manager thanks him and asks how long he was an engineer in Starfleet for. When he admits it was only for a few days the manager is fairly short and says Pavel must be a genius. Genius isn't a term Pavel's heard in a while but he appreciates it. He can't help but miss the days when people were impressed by his intelligence in relation to his age.
In the afternoon, Pavel gets a message from Ender and as soon as his phone buzzes he's nervous.
'She's back.' - E.C.
Pavel frowns and wonders why she's appeared again all of a sudden. He wonders if there's some kind of duty or purpose that she has in being back, something that he's not realising perhaps. He feels like he has some serious thinking to do but messages back his son.
'Are you alright?' He messages back, knowing his son should reply soon. He taps his foot impatiently, hoping that Ender will handle having a ghost around a little better than he did. He wonders if he needs to look into therapy for his son but figures that Ender would decide against it.
'I guess.' – E.C
Pavel sighs. He was hoping for an answer a little less vague but his son seems to be nothing but vague at the moment.
'Need me to come home?'
'I'll be fine.' – E.C
Pavel puts his phone down and frowns not really sure what to do.
"You got girl problems, buddy?" Pavel looks up and it's an older co-worker. The IT guy, Pavel thinks.
"It's my son actually," Pavel grins, trying to move away from talking about women. "Teenagers, right?"
"Tell me about it, I have three of them. Two twins and an older brother. They're trouble, always sneaking out and trying to take the car. You get that too?"
"No, he's a quiet one," Pavel smiles. He has no idea how he'd deal with Ender if he snuck out or was rebellious in any sense of the word. He feels like he'd start having nervous break downs or never let Ender out of his sight.
"You're lucky," the guy laughs. "They can be a whole lot of trouble if they want to be. I'm Cowan."
Pavel introduces himself and shakes Cowan's hand. He takes a seat next to Pavel and they start talking. He's glad to feel like he has a friend, even for a while. Pavel hopes that they get to know each other a little better. He needs someone to talk to other than himself and the occasional word from his son. He misses having Sulu and Scotty to talk to. He messages them but it just isn't the same as getting to see them all the time.
Ender's not in his room when he gets home. Pavel has a look around and he can't find him, starting to panic a little. He starts calling out and his voice grows with his panic. He checks his own bedroom and the kitchen but can't find him anywhere. He goes back into Ender's room and checks the cupboard and under the bed but no one's there and he pulls his phone shakily from his pocket, calling his son. He doesn't pick up and Pavel feels like his internal organs are failing. Ender runs and checks the house again. He calls out for his son again and he feels a little like he can't breathe properly. He tells himself to calm down and he rings again, still getting nothing. He doesn't know of any friends Ender has and he can't think of anywhere, in particular, he'd like to go. Pavel walks outside the house and has a look around the street, still seeing nothing. He asks the neighbours and they can't offer him anything more than sympathetic looks. Pavel checks the house one more time before locking it up and running down the street. He checks a few places, the park, the library, the store. He can't find anything and can feel tears pricking at his eyes.
Pavel goes past another park and he spots two teens, one of which he thinks could be his son. He moves closer towards them and recognises that one of them is Ender.
"Ender!" Pavel calls out, moving at a speed he didn't think he really could. His son stands up, seeing his father and Pavel wraps himself around him. Pavel can't breathe and Ender can't either, feeling like he's getting crushed between the arms of his father.
"Dad, can you not," he mutters, pulling away.
Pavel's lost for words and he just looks at his son, a little speechless. "Where did you… What are you… Don't you ever do that to me ever again!" Pavel suddenly finds himself really quite irritated. "If you ever leave the house without telling me again, or without picking up your phone, I swear I will put a lock on your door."
Pavel suddenly starts paying attention to the person Ender's with and notices that she's a girl. He looks at Ender with a slightly questioning look but doesn't comment on it.
"We're leaving," he mutters, giving him son a stern look, something he hasn't done in what seems like forever.
Ender doesn't protest, he says goodbye gently to the girl and they leave. Pavel feels too out of breath to talk and they enter the house quietly.
"What the hell were you doing?" Pavel says angrily, throwing his hands up. "Why would you do that, I told you not to leave the house. You didn't even message or call me, what was going through your head?"
Ender looks down but says nothing.
"Well? I want an answer, Ender. You don't even talk to me anymore, the least you can give me is an explanation."
"I don't want to," he mutters, pushing his blond hair from his eyes and walking towards his room. Pavel stands there in shock for a few seconds and then follows him.
"Why are you shutting me out, Ender. I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to be a good father and you just don't even talk to me anymore… Did I do something wrong?"
The tone of hurt in Pavel's voice makes Ender stop and he stands there, not moving.
"I hate it here. I thought I hated space but here isn't any better. I just… I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm just another piece of flesh wondering meaninglessly in this universe and I don't have any idea how I'm supposed to function for the rest of my life."
Pavel sighs. "You don't have to know what you're doing. You don't need to belong somewhere. It's not a place you belong too, Ender. It's the people around you. It took me a while to understand that. If you think you'd be happier back in space, we can go back. I don't mind. I just want to do what's best for you."
Ender nods. "I don't know. I won't go yet. I need more time to think."
"Who was the girl?"
Ender looks up. "No one."
"Ender."
There's a pause. "She's from school. I just. I think she's cool."
"Does that mean you like her?"
"I didn't say that I-"
Pavel gives him a look and Ender doesn't finish his sentence. "You should have her over or something, just don't go running off and sneaking out because of a girl."
"It wasn't because of her. Mum told me to go to the park."
Pavel's mouth opens a little. He nods but doesn't say anything. He figures his lover has some kind of plan in place and decides not to question it. "Just call me next time," he mutters. Ender nods and Pavel goes back into the kitchen.
A few days later Pavel comes home and the girl's there again. They're watching a movie on the couch and Pavel's a little annoyed his son was alone in the house with a girl without saying anything but he decides to address it later. He finds some food and isn't really sure what to do with himself. He feels alone now that his son's starting to get a life of his own and he misses the days where his son was younger. He thinks about what would happen if he had another baby and he realises that it isn't entirely impossible. Ciara would still have more eggs left and he'd be able to have the baby the same way Ender was born. Pavel's thirty-six and figures it wouldn't be too late for him to have a newborn. He looks across at Ender and figures he wouldn't take it too well. He wishes that he'd thought of having another child a few years prior.
Pavel video calls Sulu, who apparently has a surprise. Pavel isn't sure what to expect but a young girl isn't one of them. She looks about nine and Pavel grins in excitement when he introduces her. Ben's in the background smiling and Pavel can't help but look warmly at their family. He knows Sulu would be a great father and he can't stop beaming at them all. The girl's name is Demora and she's pretty and full of smiles. Pavel congratulates them and spends a while catching Sulu up on everything that happened with Ender. He decides to tell him that Ender has started seeing his mother and Sulu's a little surprised that Pavel isn't. Sulu asks if he's glad he's not the one seeing her and Pavel doesn't have an honest answer.
"I still miss Ciara," he says quietly. "But it got hard when she was with me."
"You said her name," Sulu points out. He hasn't heard Pavel use her name since she died and he didn't even think his friend could say it.
Pavel nods. "I'm starting to get better with it. I can say her name now, sometimes." He shoots Sulu a weak smile "I still miss her as much as I did then. I thought I'd be better over the years but…"
"I know I asked you this before and it didn't go down well but… Do you think you'll ever try dating again?"
"Ender told me she wants me to. I just don't know if I could."
"I know you pretty well Pavel and if anything, I'd say there's always room in your heart for more. I don't think I've ever seen someone love anyone as much as you loved her and as much as you love Ender."
"Thank you," Pavel says gently. He talks to Sulu for a while longer but has too much on his mind to continue. He misses having Sulu around all the time.