BioWare owns all except my character's and her dog's names. : )

Thank you all for your continued support and reviews. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful following and such wonderful fans. : )

Forgive the lengthiness of this chapter. I knew it was long, and I thought of chopping it up, but in the end decided to leave it. I hope it's entertaining. And for those who slog through to the end, you know we have another exciting installment with our favorite Antivan heart breaker. Please let me know what you think, including if you think this was too long. Your opinions are important. : )

This was an emotional write for me. I love Ban Teagan, and I really had a war with myself about setting Kai up with him. But in the end, I couldn't be unfair to his character. There are so many good male characters in the game. Ban Teagan I do have a crush on, he reminds me of strawberry ice cream. So when I had Kai let him down as easy as she could, I felt like I was breaking up with him. To all you hens and stags out there that love Ban Teagan, I feel your pain. : )

Blessings!

Kaitlyn and her little brother Bevin showed up promptly at five. Kaitlyn was wearing in a very pretty dress and had obviously washed her hair with flower water, as it glowed in the candlelight and she smelled lovely. Kaitlyn's eyes were glowing too, when she looked at Teagan, which she did frequently. On the other hand, Teagan's eyes for the first half of the conversation before the meal seemed to be for Kai.

Kai kept moving from group to group and studiously avoided Teagan as much as she could without making it obvious. Luckily, she had Leliana aiding and abetting in getting Teagan and Kaitlyn together. Whenever Teagan would start to approach Kai, Leliana would call his attention back to herself and then smoothly back to Kaitlyn. Kai likened it to a dance. When Leli couldn't get his attention, Wynne would step in.

Poor Fiona, who had been making potions all day and had missed the conversation, was at first confused and then amused. At one point Wynne must have explained what was going on, since Fiona started to help if she could by engaging Teagan in conversation if he looked to be straying in Kai's direction.

When they retired to the hall to eat, Kai found herself far down the table while Teagan sat with Bevin on one side and Kaitlyn on the other. Leliana and Wynne sat with them. Kai had no idea what the conversation was, but Teagan seemed to enjoy talking to Bevin at least.

After dinner, the dance began again as Teagan kept trying to get Kai alone, and Leliana and Wynne found themselves working double time. It was Morrigan who came to her rescue and suggested Kai needed to go see to the twins. She flashed a grateful look at Morrigan and quietly excused herself to escape upstairs. Kai would have found the evening amusing if it hadn't been so exhausting.

"Who knew Teagan had it in him? No woman has ever been good enough. Just shows he has excellent taste," Alistair's voice sounded in her ear as she walked down the hallway to her room.

"Huh, you are no help at all. And you have been peculiarly quiet about the whole thing. I would almost wonder if you weren't considering having us get together." When Alistair's voice didn't sound back right away, Kai stopped dead in her tracks. "You weren't thinking that were you, were you?" she asked him, waiting for an answer while her heart beat painfully in her chest. She finished crossing to her room and shut herself away behind the sturdy door after the servant who had been watching the twins left. "Really, Teagan, poor Teagan being stuck with a woman who will never love in the way he deserves? Is that what you would really want for the poor man, I thought you liked him, Alistair," Kai spoke into her own head.

"I do, and no, I know you will never love him, what you feel for him is respect and caring, but not love." Alistair's tone of voice was hard to read, as if he were hiding something, some deep thought.

"What are you thinking Alistair?"

"Could it turn into love? Couldn't it grow into love, later?"Alistair asked her.

Kai groaned, "I would have to have more of a foundation of real affection than I have for Teagan. Or would you rather we get together and make each other miserable when I can't give him what he wants? What he will expect, what he deserves to expect, Alistair. He will want more than I can give, and you only have to look to Loghain and Anora's mother to see how that kind of relationship works out for all involved. Added to that, Teagan will want, and should want, children of his own. I don't want any more children. I have all the children I could ever want, from the only man I share my heart and soul with. They were more than I expected and more than I deserve. Now, if you can find me a man who will understand I cannot love him with all of my heart and soul, man who will not want children of his own, a man who will not love me with all of his heart and soul, so I won't feel guilty because we don't expect it of each other," Kai ticked off the list mentally. "Then sure, I will gladly bed that man if it will make you happy. Until then, my beloved, my heart, my soul, we will just have to keep meeting in my dreams until I slip this mortal shell and can be with you again. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to Andraste's little game of 'Wicked Grace.'" She tried to give him a mental smile, but Alistair remained ominously silent. "Why this sudden urge to see me go to bed with someone? You know that is all it would be," she asked him.

"If that were all, my love, you would have no problem getting any man you crooked your finger at. But I know it has always been more than an act for you, your heart has to be in it as well." And then it was as if Alistair hit her in the head with a blacksmith's hammer. "I don't want you to be lonely anymore."

"You don't want me to be lonely anymore? Who says I am lonely?" Kai protested. "I have good friends. Fergus is alive. I have our children. How can you say I am lonely?"

"I say you are lonely, because I feel what you feel, my love. I know you are." She heard the sadness in his voice, and it only made her angry.

"Then perhaps you should have let me be the one to die on top of Fort Drakon! I am not having this discussion with you, Alistair." He remained silent. Kai wanted nothing more than to throw something across the room, but knowing she'd wake a set of sleeping twins stopped her.

Kai found herself another servant to watch the twins and decided to go outside and practice with throwing daggers. She stepped out into the cold night air. The ground still had snow drifts in places, especially in corners. Her footsteps crunched across the yard as the frost on the gravel broke. She toed the line, started lining up her target, aimed and let her blade fly. She threw slowly at first and then increased her speed as if tossing the blades might stop her thoughts. It was when she went to pick out the daggers from the target dummy that she realized someone was standing there. It was Teagan. Not the person she really wanted to see when she was so emotionally raw.

"My lady, isn't it a little cold out here for target practice?" He walked towards her with a smile, holding a cloak. She went to take it from him to find he had stepped up close, facing her, and was wrapping it around her shoulders as his lips once again found hers. She stepped back, her face flaming. Kai had never before felt this awkward. She wanted to keep Teagan as a friend. He was a good man. She ventured a look at him and saw his hurt and confused expression. "You are still in love with Alistair." He made it a statement, not a question. Kai bit her lip and gave a slight nod. "And time will not lessen that," again a statement, not a question. He turned to go, and she could see the hurt in his shoulders.

"Bann Teagan, wait," Kai begged him.

"To what end, dear lady?" Teagan's voice was so soft. Kai grabbed his hand and drug him inside where they could at least be warm while she tried to explain. She had killed darkspawn, she had faced a broodmother, and she had faced the Archdemon. This shouldn't be any harder right?

Kai sat him down on a bench in the ante room leading from the courtyard. She took a deep breath and told him about what had happened to her when she had been poisoned and comatose. She told him of the Fade and what happened there. She told him of her heartrending choice to come back. She told him about Andraste and Alistair. "Don't you see? You are such a good man, a deserving man. I can't give you what you need. Being with me would be a ruin for you." Kai felt tears coursing down her cheeks. Why must her every action have to be so damn important to someone? She felt the familiar guilt that all her ways seemed to lead to death and or destruction. Here she was hurting a perfectly good man. What by Andraste's flaming sword was she supposed to do?

She turned away from Teagan and tried to choke back a sob, and dammit Alistair was right – she was so lonely. She just wasn't lonely enough to mess up both their lives. He turned her back to face him and lifted her chin. He smiled, a sad smile, but a smile, "Sweet lady, why do you turn yourself inside out so? You have to be one of the most generous, strongest women I know. But you do take too much on yourself." He brushed away her tears and kissed her on the forehead.

They went back into the hall. Wynne cocked an eyebrow at Kai, and she just shook her head. She tried to keep up a brave front for a while, but even that just tired her out. Finally, she bid everyone a good night and made her way back to her room. She let the servant go and got into a shift, ready for bed. The twins stirred. First, Fiona looked at her and smiled while chewing on a tiny fist. Then, Duncan woke wanting to know what all the excitement was about. She just stroked their cheeks and cooed at them. Unfortunately, she found herself crying in great choking gasps, and the twins decided to join in. That was how Fiona's namesake found her. She came in and put a hand on Kai's back and stroked it while simultaneously patting first one child, then the other.

"Mi' gra, my love, I know you are mad at me, but please don't cry," Alistair's voice spoke to her in a soothing tone.

"I am not mad at you. Okay, I am, but only for being right."

"Oh, I should have Andraste mark this moment down, it's historical. I'm right, probably won't happen again though, never fear." His voice held laughter.

"Hah, very hah," she grumbled at him.

Finally, Kai and the twins quieted, and the babies wanted to be fed. Fiona helped her get situated to feed them. When they were settled and sitting quietly, each of them lost to her own thoughts, it was Fiona who broke the silence. "Kai, I...Wynne told me that you and my son, you and Alistair, are connected?" Fiona blushed and looked down at the bed.

"Fiona, I am so sorry, I should have told you...," Kai began, but Fiona interrupted her with a quick hand on her arm and a shaking of her head.

"You don't have to be sorry. We have hardly begun to get to know each other, I just, well..."Fiona flushed and looked at her grandchildren. Tears formed in her eyes. "I was just wondering if you could let him know – the next time you, well, the next time you two talk – how much I loved him. How much I love him now and how giving him up was the hardest thing I ever did. Ask him if he can ever forgive me." Fiona just looked at Kai with tears slipping down her cheeks.

"Of course I forgive her, tell her that was never in question. It was worth it if for no other reason than finding out that harpy Goldana isn't related to me after all," Alistair joked.

"Shall I say the part about Goldana then, my love?" Kai teased him back.

"Maker, don't you dare woman, or I shall tickle you senseless in your dreams!" Alistair's sounded horrified.

Kai smiled at Fiona. "His forgiveness was never in doubt, dear lady. One thing you should know about your son, he is one of the most forgiving souls to ever live." Fiona put her hand to her mouth to stifle a half laugh half sob, before moving the twins. Once they were burped, changed, and back to sleep, Kai patted the bed next to her. "You know we never did have that chat about Alistair. Would you like to know the man he became?" Fiona nodded and lay down next to Kai, putting her hands across the twins and patting their bellies.

Kai and Fiona talked long into the night. She told Fiona all the stories, starting from when she met Alistair. She let her hold the rose he had given her. There were laughter and tears on both sides until they were both nodding off. Fiona thanked her and kissed her before going to her own room. And Kai lay down to sleep.

She found herself in the Hall of Highever, where she had sat talking to Andraste. She felt Alistair grab her hand and she turned, her lips seeking his as they always did. Ah, this is bliss, she thought as she wrapped her legs around him, "So the hall in Highever? Not the forest glade or the waterfall or any of our usual places? Feeling like you want to take a chance on someone's seeing us? I'm game." She pressed her lips to his, nipping and licking. It took her a moment to realize he wasn't responding the way he usually did.

"Kai, about earlier, with Teagan," he spoke against her lips as his hands roamed her body. Even though he was trying to make this a conversation, he was having trouble with it. She wanted to laugh.

"Enough about that, I hurt the man, I am not proud of that. And I am with the one I want to be with right now. And how long before I get woken up by the twins, or someone else?" She started taking off her shirt letting her naked breasts brush against the thin shirt he had on.

"You are not making this easy, Kai, really I want to talk to you." He was half kissing her and half stroking her naked skin.

"Talk is cheap, we can talk when I get back to the physical world, and right now I want you naked." She ripped at the thin fabric of his shirt and nibbled on his earlobe, pleased when she got low grumbling moan.

"No, I need to talk to you." He grabbed her chin and made her look at him. "I need to get this out now or I may never get it out. I think you should sleep with Zevran." He flushed but continued to look at her.

"Um, come again?" Kai couldn't believe what he was saying. "You want me to sleep with Zev, the Antivan assassin, the bloke you didn't want to take along after he attacked us? The one you got pissy about, the gent you had your knickers in a twist over because he flirted too much, that guy? I just want to make sure that it isn't some other Zevran we are talking about." Kai felt her cheeks turning pink and her temper rising. "Why in the bloody hell would you suggest such a thing, are you mad, what has gotten into you? What is this need to see me shagging someone? Have you developed a penchant for watching?" Kai just stared at him. Alistair flushed harder, but he didn't look away.

"What is this place?" he asked her in a serious tone.

"It is the sodding Fade, is what this is. What does that have to do with anything?" The angrier she got, the more her language skills deteriorated. She was glad her mother wasn't here, well for that, and the fact she was half naked. Part of her wanted to giggle, while the other part remained shocked and angry.

He set her down and walked her to the window and made her look out, pointing to the sky. In it the Black City was visible as it always was in the dream side of the Fade. "This is a dream, Kai. It isn't the Fade beyond the Black City where your parents and I dwell, this is a dream, and what we do here is wonderful, but it isn't real. You know this, you feel this, you know what the Fade in death feels like, the more you are there, the more real it is, because it is a real place. But you're back in the physical world. It doesn't do to live in the world of dreams, my love. You have a real life, and you promised to live it. Living means fulfilling all the physical needs, including companionship." He turned her around and brushed his fingers against the side of her face, giving her his lopsided smile before continuing in a rush, "What we have, beloved, no one can touch or come close to, you're right in that. You asked me if I could find you a man who would not be hurt that you could not love him the way you love me. Zev loves his Rinna, and you love me, and you both love each other."

"Yes, I love Zev, but..."

Alistair bent his lips to hers. "I am not threatened by your love for Zev, it is the love of a really dear friend. And has he not proven his love for you in the same way? He stayed, when he could have left, maybe even should have left, The Crows may be searching for him still, but he overrides his own instincts for survival to stay with you. He kept my body from being dressed up as a Cailan look-alike. He has done everything for you Kai, because you are his only true friend." He kissed her, "You have a long physical life ahead of you, remember, promise me you will think on it? I want you to be happy and fulfilled before you come back to me in the Fade beyond the Black City. I don't want you bitter because of loneliness. I love you more than anything, and your happiness is most important to me." He started nibbling on her earlobe.

"I will think on it", she moaned out as his lips were moving down her throat. She startled when a thought hit her, "You aren't going away are you, you are still going to talk to me, to meet me here?" For a moment she thought her heart would fly out of her throat. He simply brushed her hair away from her face and smiled that smile of his.

"You don't think I could do that to you, do you, or myself, miss out on our children through your eyes, Or miss out on this?" He started nibbling her neck again while his hands roamed across her breasts, causing her to arch against him. "This may be just a dream, but it is a damn good one." His mouth claimed hers again as he picked her up to carry her to the couch. At just that moment, someone started knocking on the front gate. Kai tried to ignore the knocking again as Alistair's mouth was wandering in wonderful ways across her torso, but it didn't stop.

"Andraste's holy knickers come in!" She woke herself up by shouting in her dream again. "Sod it!" she pounded her pillow in frustration. Now she needed to go dunk herself in Lake Calenhad. "Nug humping bastard, you're lucky you didn't wake the babies," Kai grumbled under breath. A servant stuck her head in the door.

"Um, my lady, I hate to wake you, but you have an impor..."

"Let me guess, an important visitor? Yes, they only seem to come in the wee hours of the morning and interrupt dreams," Kai groused.

"Especially dreams where people are about to lick lampposts in winter," came Alistair's cheeky retort. She gave him a rueful mental laugh.

"I will be down in a few minutes. Would you get Wynne to come and stay with the twins, please?" The servant only nodded and closed the door again.

She looked over to the bed as she got dressed looking not at the twins, but at where Zev would usually be. She missed him and wondered what he would say to all of this. She had to admit that his physical presence was a great comfort. He would have gotten dressed and shadowed her, protecting her, supporting her. Add to everything else the fact that even with all the usual sexual flirting, Zev had never really been anything but tender and caring towards her. She was going to have to do some uncomfortable, heavy thinking. Because of Alistair, part of her soul was in the Fade, and it was hard to reconcile the two planes, throw in the dream plane, and it was like trying to juggle three shelled-boiled eggs.

Wynne showed up in a robe and bleary eyed. "We have a visitor, apparently, that I need to see. Would you mind watching the twins?" Kai hugged Wynne.

"No, of course not, child, I got Morrigan and Leli up so that you would have some protection since Zev isn't here to supply it. They are waiting in the hallway." Wynne smiled and brushed her hair back before lying on the bed next to the twins.

Kai made her way into the corridor after she dressed in a tunic, leggings and boots. Morrigan looked alert and wide awake. Leli looked a like a little girl, her hair still rumpled on one side and eyes blurry with sleep. Kai knew that was a facade, the bard had used that trick before on unwary enemies. Kai smiled at them both, and they all turned and walked down the hallway to the great hall.

When they entered, it was to find one of the Scath recruits, a platinum blonde with a pixie cut and big blue eyes. Take her out of the unrelieved black leathers and put her in a dress, and she would have looked like any wholesome milk maid or simple castle servant, not anything like the killer and spy she was. In fact, servant was the role she had been playing in Denerim. Kai remembered her name as Lelyth.

Lelyth turned towards her and came forward to grab Kai's forearm in a warrior's grasp which Kai returned. "So, what news, with the storms, we figured you all were continuing to gather intel and waiting for a break."

"Indeed we were, Scathach, and Zevran arrived to gather what we had and make new plans if needed." Lelyth looked uncomfortable. Kai sensed the next news she was about to hear was not going to be good. Her instincts were screaming at her that it had something to do with Zev. She kept her face neutral.

"Go on, Lelyth," Kai watched the spy's features become shadowed.

"Zevran received a message the night he was going to return here. He wouldn't say what it was. He just told us our assignments and then he put the parchment in his shirt and armed himself. As he was leaving I..." Lelyth looked ashamed, and blushed.

"What did you do, Lelyth?" Kai was having a harder time keeping her face and voice neutral. Everything inside her was screaming, not right!

"I picked his pocket, Scathach. I know that was wrong, but he acted so strangely. I retrieved the note, and this." Lelyth put a jeweled earring in her hand along with a piece of parchment. Kai opened it up to read:

The Crows send their regards,

We need to have a chat, Zevran Arainai, about so many things, do we not? Gnawed Noble Tavern, back room on the left.

Come alone.

Master Vimaro

Kai felt her face go pale, and she ignored the urge to crumple the note in her fist and throw the earring across the room at the wall. Stupid Zev, stupid, stupid, stupid, you let your emotions over-rule your brains. Kai recognized the earring, Zev had its mate, it was his Rinna's.

Leliana broke into her internal tirade. "What is it, what's wrong?"

"Zev has been taken by the Crows."