Chapter Six

Pavel comes back to the kitchen and he looks across at Ender and the girl. Their faces are incredibly close to one another and Pavel raises an eyebrow at them. He fills a glass with water and looks back over at them and they start kissing. He nearly chokes on his water and he has to leave the kitchen so he doesn't freak out. He sits on his bed and starts realising his son is growing up. He feels more like an adult than he ever has and he doesn't know what to do. He lies down and stares at the ceiling, wishing he was back in space where there were less teenage girls and less for him to worry about.

Ender and the girl are in the kitchen when Pavel finally manages to remove himself from his bedroom.

"You didn't introduce me," Pavel smiles, trying to be polite.

"Oh," Ender mutters. "This is Nadie."

"Nice to meet you," she says politely.

"I'm Pavel," he says, shaking her hand.

"Nadie isn't a Russian name is it?" Pavel asks, half joking. He knew a few Nadie's when he lived back in Russia.

"Yeah actually," she laughs. "My mother and father are both Russian."

Pavel instantly switches to Russian, asking her if she speaks the language. She responds in flawless Russian and Pavel grins, glad to be speaking his mother tongue in what seems like the first time in forever. Ender understands but doesn't really contribute. Pavel knows his son's Russian is a little substandard if anything. He can understand but can't structure replies well. Pavel tries to get Ender to contribute in Russian but it doesn't happen and he hopes that Ender will try to improve Russian if he's around this girl more.

Nadie stays for dinner and Pavel gets to know her a little more. She's really nice and seemingly quite intelligent too. Ender stays quiet as usual and sticks with English. Pavel thinks bilingualism would be good for his son but knows he can't force it.

As soon as Nadia's left the house Pavel looks at Ender.

"You kissed?"

Ender's face goes a few shades whiter but he doesn't say anything. "You saw that…?"

Pavel smirks a little. "That was your first kiss, wasn't it?"

"Well, yeah but…"

Pavel grins at Ender. "Look after her, okay?"

Nadie spends more and more time around the house and Pavel's just glad that his son wants to keep going to school. He starts hearing more Russian from his son which is also a good thing and he's glad Nadie is a good influence. He walks past them kissing or cuddled up together and it makes him a little uncomfortable for a reason he can't quite explain. It feels like so long since he last was around any kind of affection. He misses affection more than anything and he's surprised he's reacting so badly to it. He tries to ignore it but seems to be a reasonably frequent thing he's facing.

Pavel creates a rule that Nadie and Ender aren't allowed in Ender's room alone together and if anything, it's for his own peace of mind. Ender doesn't protest, something Pavel's grateful for. He loves his son but he feels like he's not dealing with the fact he's growing up very well. He looks over at his photo of Ciara sometimes, hoping for some sort of guidance. It never comes.

Ender's report comes out and his grades are less than Pavel expected. He knows his son is smart and he knows he should be doing significantly better. He sits Ender down and puts the report on the table.

"It's disappointing Ender. You're not even trying. You're a smart guy, you should be doing significantly better than this."

"I just don't like studying."

"You're going to improve your grades."

"Or what?" Ender scoffs, not used to his father pushing authority on them.

"Or you're not seeing Nadie. It's simple Ender. I'm not kidding either."

Ender's mouth falls open a little and he stands up. "You can't do that," he stammers, not really sure what else to say.

"I was also told I couldn't join Starfleet at age fourteen but I studied and look how that went. I'm not kidding Ender, this isn't a joke to me. I've been fair with you your whole life. Very loose with everything. I'm not letting you get substandard grades because you're too lazy."

Ender leaves the table and pushes over a chair in the process. Pavel opens his mouth in shock and only gets angrier as Ender slams his door. Pavel sinks into the chair beside the one Ender knocked down and he puts his head onto the table. He thought he was raising Ender well, he thought he gave Ender his passion for learning and taught him to be gentle. Ender keeps lashing out at him and getting angry for reasons Pavel isn't sure of. He's trying to be loving and helpful and open to his son but it's hard and he feels like he's getting nowhere. He looks back to Ciara.

"What am I going to do?" he asks quietly. He doesn't get an answer but he doesn't expect one. He starts thinking about what he can do and an idea starts forming in his head.

"I want you to pack a bag, we're leaving in half an hour."

"Leaving? Where?"

"You'll see, pack something to sleep in too, we might need it."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Ender, pack a bag."

Ender doesn't have the energy to argue and Pavel's glad he's not getting more attitude. He finishes packing his own bag and starts looking at cheap hotels on his PADD. He feels a rush of excitement and shoves a piece of toast into his mouth. His foot is tapping excitedly, something that always used to annoy Kirk a little. He'd apologise but would forget quite quickly and not even realise what he was doing. Pavel calls out to Ender and asks if he's ready but doesn't get a very loud reply. Ender comes into the kitchen with a bag and a solemn expression on his face and Pavel grins at him.

"Ready?"

Ender frowns. 'That's the spirit,' Pavel mumbles to himself, ushering his son into the car. Ender is quiet for most of the trip. He figures his father won't answer any of his questions so he spends a little time messaging Nadie. He doesn't really know how to answer her questions either. He has no idea how long he'll be gone for but tells her he'll probably be back soon. Ender wonders if he's going back into space and asks his father, worried that it could be a long while without him seeing Nadie. His father answers no but doesn't elaborate. Ender leans back in his seat and puts his headphones in.

A few hours pass and Pavel stops the car at a rest stop. They eat lunch in relative silence and Pavel is more content than usual. He missed adventures and spontaneity, something Starfleet always gave him a lot of. He went on less away missions once Ender was born but he didn't mind back then. Being at the console was an adventure in itself. There were a few times when he feared for his life but back then, it was those times when he'd never felt more alive. He lifts some nachos into his mouth and tries to pull himself back to reality. He spends a lot more time in the past than he does in the future, he realises. He also spends a lot of time in the moments that don't exist. Like imagining his wedding with Ciara or imagining the three of them as a family. He goes back to the two of them waking up on Christmas, only with one more person there with him. He misses Ciara as much as he did back then and sinks back into his chair a little. Ender looks up at him and can't help what's going through his father's head. He has noticed his father's mood swings. Ever since they left space he's been discontent. Ender feels to blame but doesn't say anything. He feels like his father's a lot stronger than he'll ever be.

Ender falls asleep in the car and Pavel doesn't notice for a long while. Ender became quiet over time, something Pavel understands. He was born quiet and eventually grew out of it. He misses loud Ender, something he thought he'd never admit. He pulls over for a few minutes and finds himself in tears he can't explain. He thinks everything has finally caught up with him, Ender growing up, leaving the ship, feeling alone. He spends a little while just sitting quietly, he wipes his eyes with his sleeves and checks to make sure that his son is asleep. He leans back and slows his breathing, something that has helped him calm down over the years. He starts the car up again and Ender sits up.

"Why are we stopping?"

"Just tying my shoe," Pavel quickly lies, he pulls back out onto the road and dries his eyes, hoping Ender doesn't see. He does but says nothing. He thinks some things are best left unsaid.

Pavel finally arrives at a hotel he booked earlier that morning and Ender raises an eyebrow.

"San Francisco?"

Pavel nods and takes his room key. They put their bags down in the room and as soon as their luggage is down Pavel drags Ender back out. They walk through the street and Ender knows that his father has somewhere in mind. He walks reasonably fast and keeps his hands in his pockets and his eyes ahead of him. Ender asks where they're going and gets the same answer as he did earlier that day. He frowns and keeps following his determined father.

"Starfleet? Dad, come on, I've been here before."

"We aren't there yet," Pavel mutters, feeling eager and getting a rush of anticipation. He keeps walking through the campus he still remembers so well. Even after all his years spent training and all his adventures in Starfleet, he still feels as excited as he did at his first day at the academy. Ender seems bored but keeps following him.

Pavel stops and Ender looks confusedly at his father.

"When I was six, my father had a conference here and he brought me along. As we were walking I saw this bridge and I just stopped. I saw this bridge, I saw the students walking around the campus, some alien some not. I looked up at the sky and saw a shuttle craft taking off and I knew, I knew that this very place, in front of this bridge was exactly was where I was meant to be. I studied as much as I could and I spent all my time dreaming about the day where I would come here as a student. I was fourteen when I finally got that letter. I was fourteen and it was like everything in the universe was mine. I was unstoppable. When I was back here after the mission with the Romulans, I was here, I was looking at this bridge. I turned around and I saw the most beautiful woman I had seen in my entire life. I saw your mother and I just knew that I'd see her again, I knew she was going to be a part of my life in some way or another, even if she was just going to be a friend. What I'm trying to get to here is, I came to Starfleet because I was passionate. I cared so much about this place and it gave me drive and purpose. I'm not telling you to join Starfleet, I'm telling you to find what you're passionate about. Find something to chase after and to get you up in the morning. Just find something you care about, okay?"

Pavel finishes quietly and Ender looks at him sadly. He sighs and sits down on the grass. He puts his head into his knees.

"I'm sorry for dragging you here, it seemed like a better idea this morning. We'll stay the night and go back in the morning. Just give me a few minutes."

There's a silence for a while and Pavel hears the grass next to him move. He knows his eyes are watering so he doesn't look up but he finds comfort in knowing his son is beside him. Pavel doesn't know why he's upset again but he thinks it's the bridge.

"I applied to Starfleet last week," Ender mutters. Pavel looks up. "I didn't want to tell you because I was scared they'd reject me but they liked my thesis on xenolinguistics and how there's a connection between all the languages in the word classes. They said I've been shortlisted."

Pavel's mouth falls open a little. "Ender…"

He wraps himself around his son and feels himself crying a little more.

"I'm proud of you," he manages to splutter, laughing a little. "I'm so happy for you." He's sobbing a little too and Ender smiles at him weakly. "Ender? Are you crying too?"

Pavel notices that Ender has tears in the corner of his eyes and Ender hurriedly wipes them away. Pavel hugs Ender once again but this time his son hugs back, sniffing as he does so. Pavel sobs a little and tightens around his son.

"I've been a bad son," Ender mutters. "I've been so unfair to you. I'm so sorry."

Pavel expected after his talk he'd get a reassurance Ender would keep his grades up but not something like this. He gently loosens his grip on Ender and smiles.

"Xenolinguistics?"

Ender grins and it seems like the first time in ages Pavel has seen him smile.

"What about navigating?" Pavel laughs. "What happened to wanting to follow in your dad's footsteps?"

"It's still Starfleet," he mutters, rolling his eyes a little. "I just, just think I'm more suited to language than physics."

"I should have noticed, it was the only class you didn't get a B- in."

"I was working on my thesis, I didn't have time for study. My thesis was fifty thousand words. It took me forever."

"Mine was seventy thousand," Pavel laughs, sending his son a grin.

They laugh and look over at the Golden Gate Bridge, smiling a little to themselves. It's quiet and peaceful and they feel healed if anything.

"She's here," Ender mutters, shuffling back uncomfortably.

"Thank you, Ciara," Pavel mutters. He has a feeling she was the one who convinced Ender to apply and that put the idea of San Francisco in his head.

"She told me I should join Starfleet," Ender mutters. "I knew it was the right thing. I figured maybe I missed being in space. Maybe we both belong there…"

There's a silence for a while and Ender seems to be listening. He nods along and looks up at where she should be.

"Wait, no… What? No!" Ender stands up and Pavel follows, unsure what's happening.

"Ender?" Pavel asks, placing a hand on his shoulder. "She's… she's going." His face saddens and he starts muttering incoherently. "You can't… Please don't go, don't leave me!"

Ender steps forward and closes his eyes. He looks like he's hugging thin air but Pavel knows his mother is holding him for the first time. He feels like the air is leaving his lungs and he looks at them gently, wishing she was really here to be with them.

Pavel closes his eyes and he can feel her hand on his cheek. It's her hand, he can tell. There's a gently press against his cheek, then again against his forehead. He opens his eyes gently and al he can see is the Golden gate bridge. Pavel sinks back to the ground and lets a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"She's… gone." Ender sits down quietly.

"Your mother is a free spirit, she's completed what she came here for."

"Papa…" Ender says quietly. Pavel looks over at him, he hasn't been called Papa since Ender was a child. "I never got to tell her that I love her."

"She knows," Pavel says quietly. "She knows."

"Papa?" Ender says again. "I love you."

Pavel holds Ender one more time. "I love you too, Ender. I love you wherever you go or whatever you do. I love you."

(A/N)

Not gonna lie again, I think I cried writing this part too. Hope you enjoy.