Dear Fred,
AAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!~
STUPID PENCILS! Why won't these things jus~
ARRRRR~
OK. Oookay. Wanna know why I'm angry? I bet you do! It's your job, Fred! DEREK, that's why! He~
He reset again today. I certainly wasn't comin' for a courtesy call! I wouldn't touch the little vermin with a ten-foot pole unless I was hittin' 'im with it! But he arranged some little prank when I got up there, and I think it was a pitfall. Normally, people fall down pitfalls, see? Well, now they're called pitfall seeds because everyone thought that game called Pitfall was here and they had to simplify it. But I call them pitfalls, and that's good enough for both of us, isn't it, Freddy Boy!?
But anywho, normally people fall DOWN these gags. Have you ever tunneled UP one? It's a trip, lemme tell ya! I didn't know I could move that way, and honestly, I don't wanna re-experience that whole charade. We clear?
But then I see him when I get the dirt outta my eyes and he's wearin' clothes just like mine! He starts yellin' at me for stuff I would normally be yellin' at HIM for, and he's swingin' around this pickaxe like a madman! I'm positive I heard thunder in the background...the good for nothin' hacker. So weird...
But whatever. I just gotta relax. I'm takin' pills now the size of Wyoming! I'm about to take one now...I just hope they don't fall into the Wishing Well here. I'm sittin' on it, see? What? I can do that! Only one guy fell in during the entire history of this well, and that's only because he was hit in the face with a pie during one crazy Harvest Festival! Well, OK, maybe I've only [i]heard[/i] of that one. But whatever. I WHOA MY POCKET ALARM IS GOIN' OFF! Sorry Fred, I'll leave you here between these stones in the well here and I'll be right back! Don't talk to strangers!
...Fred...
...My identity is not important, nor must you ask how or why I'm writing in your pages. As for why, I shall tell you, your owner has carelessly forgotten you. Fortunately, no one has opened you, though you have caught attention. I advise you, and your owner, Mr. Resetti, to be very careful.
...What? So I peeked. Alas, I'm not perfect, but your secret is safe with me and the whole internet.
And as your owner often leaves you advice before you leave, I, too, will impart with you valuable information.
In areas where there is very little green...a feeling of despair overshadows all else. Go to Acre C-5 to see what is amiss.
Now...
Farewell!
Uh, Fred? Remind me to check the side effects of those pills...
Now...
SCRAM!