VII
Amelia was cleaning up the dishes while Addison poured herself a glass of wine. They had dinner together and while it was getting dark they were cleaning up the kitchen. There was a time when Addison would ask every time she would drink a glass of wine; checking with Amelia if it was triggering. Every time Amelia assured that it was fine, alcohol was never her drug of choice, and while she did crave a glass of wine sometimes, she never felt bad Addison drinking it in front of her, so a while ago she made Addison promise her to not ask again.
The doors towards the beach were still open and finally a colder breeze was cleaning the hot air of the warm summer day. Amelia threw a towel towards Addison.
'Allright Miss, I will dry them.' Addison sat herself on the counter while Amelia smiled and gave her separate clean plates.
'I might go for a late night swim, Addie,' Amelia threw away the dirty water and cleaned her hands. At that moment they heard some shuffling outside on the deck. Simultaneously they looked at the door.
Charlotte was already inside and shivering, while clutching her bag tightly to her body. Addison and Amelia looked surprised.
'Sorry, I am sorry to just walk in like-, I wanted to, I need to talk to you, Amelia-or also, Addison, it's fine if-,' Charlotte struggled to make sentences and she was trying to catch her breath, failing. Both Amelia and Addison started to worry and Amelia hurried towards her.
'Charlotte, what happened? Are you allright?' Careful touching her shoulder and checking if that was okay, Amelia looked Charlotte in her eyes. Charlottes pupils were scanning the room and she put her bag on the ground, still trembling.
Addison, still at the counter, frowned.
'It looks like you're panicking, Charlotte,' she said concerned. Amelia quickly looked at Addison and nodded.
'Charlotte? What's wrong darling?'
Charlotte didn't respond but closed her eyes, trying to focus on her breathing. Amelia moved to stand behind her and moved both her arms around Charlotte to hold her. After their intimate night and confessions, she felt save to hold Charlotte. She tried to move her hands in a calm breathing pattern.
'I am pan-panicking,' Charlotte said herself. 'I'm sorry.'
'Ssst, don't be sorry, I've got you,' Amelia responded. She studied Charlotte from behind.
'Breath with me, slowly…' She rubbed Charlotte's arms a bit.
Addison watched from a small distance. She looked worried but she also noticed the calmness Amelia was radiating. She was surprised to see this caring side of Amelia; she knew Amelia cared a lot about everyone and she knew about their friendship, but it felt like Amelia had done this a million times before.
Amelia stood behind Charlotte and hugged her while whispering in her ear. Both of their eyes were closed and it looked like the panic in Charlotte's body was reaching a climax. She shivered a lot and it took her more effort to catch her breath. Amelia tightened her hug a little bit and stroke away some hairs out of Charlotte's face. After some minutes, Charlotte's breath has come down and Amelia guided her to the low couch close to the doors. She sat Charlotte down and didn't lose contact with her shoulder. Charlotte's eyes were still closed and a sad look appeared on her face.
Addison went to the counter, emptied her glass of wine and prepared the kettle to make some tea for them. Amelia stroked Charlotte shoulder but kept some space between them.
'I am sorry, you two, I didn't mean to come her and disrupt this summer evening,' Charlotte started.
Amelia tutted again, 'Charlotte, it's okay. What happened?'
Charlotte opened her eyes and wiped away a single tear that had escaped her eye. She let out a shivering breath.
'I don't know. I came to see you because I felt..' Unconsciously she looked back at Addison, not sure if she left or was still in the kitchen listening. Addison just looked up when she heard the pause in Charlotte's voice.
'I can leave you two if you want, I will be upstairs if you need any-'
'No, no, it's fine Addison, I have nothing to hide.' Charlotte gave her a little smile. Addison smiled as well and joined them on the couch with some tea for all of them. Charlotte took her mug and followed the round shape of it with her finger barely touching the hot material.
'I felt very uncomfortable this afternoon, and I couldn't shake this anxious feeling and I just…pfff.' She put away the mug again and shook her fingers a bit, as to release some of the feelings.
'I don't know, I felt panicky, and I tried to let Cooper calm me down back at the office.'
Amelia nodded. 'But it didn't work?' She asked softly.
Charlotte shook her head a little. 'It did, for a while. He hugged me for a long time.'
There was something proud in Charlotte's voice and Amelia's eyes lightened up for a second. 'Good,' Amelia whispered. Addison watched the interaction and couldn't help the feeling she was the outsider in this moment. She felt a small glistering of love in her stomach for Amelia, being such a good friend to Charlotte. She understood they had been talking about Charlotte's situation before.
'But when we were having dinner and the sun started to set and I had this feeling of this long evening I had to sit with…with myself, until I can finally fall asleep, I just, I felt like I couldn't breath and I needed to see you, or something,' Charlotte was speaking in doubt and not sure she could make clear what was going on.
'Anyway, I didn't plan to come here with my panic, I am sorry, there is not a real reason-'
Addison interrupted. 'Charlotte,' she looked her deep in the eyes. 'You can always come here, to Amelia, to me, to this house, you know that right? You don't have to explain.'
Charlotte nodded gratefully. Amelia was silent and observed her friend. Addison looked at Amelia.
'How are you feeling now?' she asked.
Charlotte looked at Amelia and lay her hand on top of Amelia's on her shoulder.
'I am fine now. A bit shaken up, and I feel like I need to laugh or cry, or both,' she stated trying to light up the atmosphere. Amelia laughed a bit and moved closer.
'Come here. Can I hold you? You can laugh and cry with us. We are open for everything,' she joked.
Charlotte laughed and let herself sink in Amelia's embrace. They laughed together and Amelia slowly moved her hand up and down her back. Amelia shared a glance with Addison who smiled as well but had a worried look in her eyes.
Charlotte's laughs slowly changed in cries.
'I am sorry, I am wetting your t shirt,' sounded Charlotte's voice muffled against Amelia's shoulder.
'It's allright,' Amelia whispered.
Charlotte cried almost without a sound and Amelia held her until she heard Charlotte's sniffing.
'I am out of tears,' Charlotte joked while she slowly moved a bit up and away from Amelia. A smile formed around her mouth. She was doing okay now. It felt like with the tears, the last bit of tension left her body. All that was left was an extreme tiredness.
Amelia looked her deep in the eyes to check if she was really okay.
'Coop knows you're here, right?' she checked. Charlotte nodded.
Addison stood up to refill their cups. 'Another one?'
Amelia and Charlotte nodded thankfully.
They had been cosy on the couch under a blanket and they had played a little word-game, to take Charlotte's mind of the anxiety she had been experiencing today. Addison saw Charlotte's eyes getting heavy and she was quite exhausted herself too. After a while, Addison had to take a phone call of Naomi. She picked up and told Naomi to wait for a second while she stood up and covered the phone with her hand.
'Excuse me, I will take this call with Naomi. Charlotte, please don't drive home anytime soon, you're more then welcome to stay for the night if you want, we can prepare the guest-room, or I will drive you back to Coop later tonight. Will you stay for a bit?'
Charlotte smiled and nodded. 'Thank you, Addison, that means a lot.'
Addison disappeared and Charlotte stared at the calm sea, visible through the curtains waving in front of the open door. She and Amelia sat in silence.
'It's funny…' Charlotte started. 'Actually, not really funny, but strange; I can't really pinpoint what made me so anxious and panicky today. Nothing specific happened, there is nothing that made this day different from the others the last months. I was or am getting better, feeling better.'
Amelia looked at Charlotte while some pity flashed over her face. She grabbed her hand softly and stroked the top of it with her thumb.
'Sometimes we have these days, right?' Amelia said softly. Charlotte gave a small smile while still staring outside. Amelia added rapidly: 'I mean not "we" as in "us",' she pointed her finger between the both of them, 'not "us", as in "the two of us because we experienced something", but "we, human beings on planet earth".' Charlotte turned her gaze at Amelia and nodded to let her know she understood her.
'You mean apart from the fact that we deal with some sort of trauma? Yes, I think all human beings have to deal with discomfort and anxiety. I am just not sure if the level of what I was feeling today is a regular amount of that.'
Amelia's pity flashed over her face again. 'I didn't mean to downplay your emotions, you get that, hmm? I tried to say that even if you can't get your head around the reason you've got to experience these emotions today, keep in mind that it is completely natural to feel this heavy.'
She leaned a bit closer towards Charlotte to stroke her hand. 'And I am so sorry to know', she paused for a second, 'that the amount of anxiety can be so high for you sometimes.' These last words Amelia almost whispered. She herself was no stranger to experiencing panic attacks, but she counted herself lucky that there was no increase in them after her experience that night at the bar. Although she had other stuff to go through, sexual-wise, body-wise, mood-wise, at least the panic attacks were still the same and not that often. She hated that Charlotte experienced them right now without even knowing the trigger.
Charlotte smiled at her. 'Thank you, Amelia. I am really glad that I have you to come to.'
Amelia lowered herself a bit on the couch and kicked off her shoes. She grabbed a pillow as she lay down at one side of the couch.
'Come lay down with me?' She asked hopeful and soft, her arms already open to welcome Charlotte in a hug.
Charlotte kicked off her shoes as well and looked at Amelia for a moment. The couch was not big, but it would fit the two of them if she would accept Amelia's embrace. Charlotte thought for a split second but the fact was that she was so damn tired and she craved this couch, this hug, Amelia's tenderness.
She joined Amelia who folded her arms around her, slowly. Charlotte's head was in the crook of Amelia's neck and Charlotte heard the steady beating of Amelia's heart. She forgot that this is what calmed her down before everything that happened: listening to the beating of her mom's, her grandma's, her first boyfriend, Cooper, most of all Cooper. At this moment, Amelia was no stranger in this list of people anymore. Charlotte felt enveloped in a warm feeling of safety, home and love. Her legs matched Amelia's and she felt Amelia's hair prickling on the pillow. She felt love and care radiating from Amelia's warm body, who was silently stroking her hair.
'Is this okay for you?' Amelia whispered. Charlotte felt her breath warm against the top of her head.
Charlotte closed her eyes and nodded. She was só tired of the rollercoaster of emotions today; a small tear escaped her eye. A happy tear, she thought. A happy tear for finally feeling her body could rest for a moment. She felt herself sinking even more in Amelia's embrace.
'Am I not to heavy?' she mumbled at Amelia's collarbone.
The only reaction Amelia gave her was a soft 'ssst,' and the last thing Charlotte felt was a light kiss pressed on top of her head.
Addison came down the stairs bare-feet, her nice skirt and blouse changed into comfy pajama's. The sky had turned dark outside and because of the open doors it was a bit chilly inside now. She had called for quite some time to catch up with her friend, but at some point she wanted to go downstairs to see if she could help Charlotte staying over at her house or driving home or anything. It was surprisingly quiet when she came walking down the stairs and heading over to the kitchen, she didn't see both of them immediately.
Curious, she looked around when she spotted Amelia's locks of brown hair falling over the pillow of the couch. She stopped and let the scene in front of her sink in for a moment. Charlotte lay next to Amelia on the small couch, her legs mixed with Amelia's and her arm wrapped around Amelia's torso. Her head was in the crook of Amelia's neck and she was sleeping; looking at least 10 years younger and every trace of stress gone from her face. Amelia's arms were wrapped around Charlotte as well and she had her cheek pressed on top of Charlotte's head, moving a little bit. Amelia was not asleep but staring outside, Addison thought she saw her eyes a bit red but it was barely visible. She didn't want to interrupt this peaceful setting but she also didn't want to startle both of them so she came towards them quietly. Amelia heard her arriving and she searched for Addison's without moving her body too much, not wanting to wake up Charlotte. She gave Addison a half smile.
'She must be so tired,' Addison whispered while she sat down on the chair across from the couch.
'Yeah,' Amelia whispered. Mindless, She placed a kiss on top of Charlotte's head and stroke her hair. Addison was not even surprised to see this after she saw Amelia taking care of Charlotte earlier that evening.
Charlotte turned her head a bit and behind her closed eyelids there was some movements. She was waking up. 'Hmmp,' she mumbled and she nestled her head a bit deeper in the crook of Amelia's neck, her nose buried in Amelia's heavy hair. Addison tried to not look surprised, but she was; surprised; by the affection Charlotte showed to Amelia and vice versa. She knew Amelia was a hugger, she would hug people all the time, but Charlotte was never a hugger, she avoided physical contact if it was not necessary, Cooper being an exception.
When Charlotte was more awake, she realized what she was doing and she slowly lifted herself a bit up and away from Amelia. Amelia followed her with a loving look in her eyes.
'I'm sorry, I fell asleep there for a moment I think.' She yawned immediately afterwards.
Addison shook her head. 'Don't be. Didn't mean to wake you up. You looked comfortable.'
Charlotte looked at Amelia with a little shame. 'I crushed you, sorry for that.'
Amelia laughed a bit and sat herself more straight too. 'No worries, anytime.' She joked but all three of them knew she was telling the truth; anytime.
Addison just wanted to ask if Charlotte wanted to stay for the night, when Charlotte spoke herself.
'I think I am heading home. I feel like Cooper might wonder where I am and I am feeling so tired, I think I will have a good night of sleep with him by my side.'
Addison nodded. 'You can stay if you want, you know that, right? But I would love to drive you home to Coop if you want.'
Charlotte thought for a moment and looked at Amelia again.
'Thank you,' she started, thanking her for the whole evening, 'I would love to stay here too, but I feel calm now, really calm, and I want to try to be with Cooper, he deserves…' her eyes went glossy for a second, 'he deserves me trying to be comfortable with him too.'
There was a lot in between those words. Addison nodded and Amelia nodded as well and placed her hand on Charlotte's shoulder again.
'Of course. I will drive with you.' Charlotte smiled thankfully at that.
They sat in a peaceful quiet on the way to Charlotte's house. It was completely dark now and the street lights were flashing by while Addison took the right exit on the highway. When they were almost there, Charlotte moved herself a bit in the passenger seat to be able to speak to both Addison behind the steering wheel and Amelia in the back.
'Thank you guys, I feel very comfortable knowing I can come to your place and be…', her voice sounded more vulnerable now, 'cherished the way you did. It means a lot.'
Amelia gave her a warm smile. 'Anytime. You would do the same.'
Charlotte gave her a deep knowing look and turned to Addison as well. 'Definitely'.
Addison stopped at the driveway of Charlotte's house and Cooper was already standing outside. They had called them when they left the house, making sure he was not worrying and he would know they were on their way. With the last words and a thankful smile Charlotte opened the door and walked towards Cooper. He embraced her in a slow hug, not holding her too tightly. Amelia had opened the door as well and changed seats to sit next to Addison on the way back. They both waved a last time before pulling up and returning home.
It was quiet again on the way back and Addison was wondering if they would talk about this evening. She couldn't help herself wondering if there was anything Amelia wanted to say about it: she seemed to care so much and Addison saw some emotion behind her eyes multiple times. She knew Amelia cared a lot about her friend, but maybe everything that happened with Charlotte had affected her more than she thought. After 20 minutes, Addison stopped again on a driveway but this time their own, and she turned of the engine. She made no move to open the door and just breathed slowly, looking at her amazing house at the beach. Amelia did the the same and in the corner of Addison's eye, she saw Amelia quickly rubbing her eyes. Addison turned towards her.
'Are you okay?' she asked carefully.
Amelia didn't try to hide her movements of brushing away a single tear now. She smiled, it seemed genuine.
'I am, I am.' She let out a long sigh.
'I don't know, it affects me, I guess.' She looked at Addison with a half smile.
Addison nodded and was silent for a moment.
'Do you want to talk about it?' Addison said softly. Amelia's smile disappeared a little and she had an insecure look in her eyes before she looked down at her lap. Her fingers fumbled with the hair-tie around her wrist.
'No,' she said with not so much power in her voice. Still looking down. Addison stayed silent again, still not making a movement to leave the car.
'Something happened, Addie.' Amelia said suddenly. 'But I don't want to talk about it,' she whispered.
Addison nodded again, deep in thoughts. She grabbed Amelia's hand fumbling in her lap and squeezed softly. 'That's okay, honey.'
Amelia looked up at her again, relieved Addison didn't push. Addison nodded again, trying to hide her worry in a smile. They both opened their doors and walked towards the door. Addison wrapped her arm for a short moment around Amelia's shoulder before opening the door.
Inside, they kicked off their shoes again and Addison smiled when she looked down at her pajamas; she forgot she was already wearing them. Amelia threw her coat on a side-table in the hallway and walked to pick up the mugs and put them in the sink.
'Amelia? Can I ask you one thing?' Addison had followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the door now. Amelia looked up wondering.
'Does Charlotte know? Did you talk with somebody?' Addison asked softly.
Amelia sighed and folded her arms in front of her. She appreciated Addison being worried. She didn't feel like going into everything that had happened the past months right now, this late night, but that moment she decided she wanted to talk to Addison about it. About what happened in the bar, how she felt like she couldn't tell Charlotte because it was nothing compared to what she went through, how she did eventually, how they were there for each other, and also: how Charlotte stayed the night with her, how they kissed, how she felt safe again even when Addison was gone for the weekend.
Addison looked a bit more worried when Amelia didn't answer her for a moment, but Amelia caught her eyes and gave her a reassuring smile.
'Yeah, she knows. We have been…talking. The past months.' Amelia smiled softly.
Addison had folded her arms as well and nodded content.
'Okay, I am glad.' After a moment she made a move to go upstairs.
'Addison?' Amelia wanted her to wait for a moment.
Addison turned around.
'I want to tell you. I want to share with you, at some moment. It is important for me to tell you, because you mean so much to me.' Amelia's eyes glistered a bit.
'For now, I just want you to know that I am so happy to live with you here, that you are always there for me and that you take care of me, just like when we were younger.'
There was a thankful look in Amelia's eyes and Addison gave her a loving smile. It didn't happen that Amelia made a reference to their time together when Amelia was young; it was a period in her life she was not proud of and she didn't like to look back at it a lot. Addison was there for her, when she was young, and the fact that Amelia spoke about it right now made Addison a bit emotional herself.
Addison sighed with relief, glad Amelia told her she wanted to talk to her. She tried to ignore the worry in the pit of her stomach about what happened with Amelia, but for now she just pulled Amelia in a short hug.
'Of course. Let's go to sleep now, it was a long night.'