Chapter 30 – If I Could Say What I Want To Say

Rachel stared at the picture in her hands; it was Shelby and Beth at what looked like a park and they were both laughing in it. She couldn't remember seeing either of them that happy before and she wondered if Beth would ever be that happy again. She and Kurt tried, but she knew neither of them would ever be able to mean what Shelby meant to her. Shelby had been there from the day Beth was born; there was no way anyone else would be able to compete with that. And it saddened Rachel because she knew just what Beth had lost that day and she would never get it back.

"Are you okay?" Quinn softly asked.

"I'm fine," Rachel lied, dropping her arm to her side.

She looked over her shoulder to find Quinn leaning against the door frame. Thankfully, her tears had subsided by then or it would have been obvious that she wasn't fine. Given the way Quinn was looking at her, though, it was apparently still obvious. When she pushed off the door frame and walked over to Rachel, she glanced down at her hand. Rachel didn't bother hiding what she had been looking at, and Quinn reached down and gently took the picture frame from Rachel's hand.

"It's a good picture," Quinn commented.

"Yes," Rachel agreed. "I don't know how I missed it when I came to get some of Beth's stuff all those months ago. I would have taken it to New York, so she could have it in her room."

"I'm sure she'd like it," Quinn said, handing the picture back to Rachel.

The brunette carefully wrapped the picture frame in bubble wrap and set it on top of the box that was meant to be mailed to her apartment. There wasn't a lot since she had gotten most of the crucial things when she picked up some of Beth's belongings before taking her to the city. It was mostly pictures and a few other odds and ends, but there were a few personal documents of Shelby's and even a demo CD Rachel had found. She had no idea when Shelby had recorded it, but Rachel intended to listen when the time was right. At the moment, though, she had enough on her mind without having to hear the woman's voice.

"Kurt will be leaving soon," Rachel said, glancing at the clock on the bedside table. "I asked him to get Beth a little earlier, so Noah would have more time with her."

Near the end of the party, Puck had asked if he could hang with Beth a little bit before they left and Rachel had readily agreed. Since Quinn and Rachel were going to dinner with her fathers that evening, Kurt was going to take Beth. Kurt had previously promised that he would take Beth to get ice cream, which they were still going to do, and then Puck was going to pick her up after. She knew it wasn't as much time as Puck wanted, but he would at least get a few hours, and she figured they could also meet for breakfast the next morning before they headed back to New York.

"How are you doing with the garage?" Rachel asked.

"It's done," Quinn replied.

"I guess that just leaves the rest of this room," Rachel said.

Quinn nodded. "Do you want any help?"

Rachel shook her head and said, "I'm almost done."

Okay," Quinn replied. "I'll just go move the boxes from Beth's room to the living room, so your fathers don't have to."

Rachel gave Quinn a grateful smile. She had been so wonderful through all this and she couldn't have imagined doing it without her. Meeting up with their fellow former Glee members had relieved a little bit of the stress, but it didn't last long. By the time she laid down in bed, her mind drifted back to Shelby and she'd had a difficult time falling asleep. And on top of that, she had also been worried about dinner with Quinn and her fathers. She wanted them to get along—they were all so important to her—and the thought that her fathers may not like Quinn even after tonight was causing extra stress in an already stressful weekend.

After finally putting away the last remaining items, which all went in the 'charity' box, Rachel closed the lid and put the box to the side with all the others. She looked around to make sure she hadn't missed anything and then picked up the box she was going to take home. She walked to the door and glanced over her shoulder, taking one last look around the room. Swallowing thickly, she shut off the lights and turned, walking down the hallway.

"We should go," Rachel said when she met Quinn on the stairs.

"I thought dinner wasn't until seven," Quinn replied.

"It isn't, but I was wondering if you would go somewhere with me before," Rachel said. "I really don't want to go by myself."

"Of course," Quinn replied, looking a little concerned.

"Thank you," Rachel said. "I promise you'll still have enough time to go back to your mother's and get ready for dinner."

"Don't worry about that," Quinn replied with a shrug.

Rachel nodded and walked the rest of the way down the stairs. She dreaded what she was about to do, but she knew it needed to be done, and she hoped it would make her feel a little better in the end.

Rachel stared out the window of Quinn's car while the blonde sat quietly next to her, looking at her every little bit, but never saying a word. They had been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes and Rachel felt like she was no closer to get out of the car. She knew she needed to do it soon, though, or her promise that Quinn would be able to get ready for dinner would be a lie.

"You don't have to do this," Quinn softly said, finally breaking the silence.

Rachel sighed. "Yes, I do."

Quinn nodded and said, "Okay."

Rachel took a deep breath and put her hand on the door, opening it after a moment of hesitation. She stepped into the breezy, cool air and behind her she heard Quinn's door open and shut. As Rachel closed her own door, Quinn walked around the front of the car and stopped by her side. Still staring straight ahead, she held out her hand. A second later, Quinn entwined their fingers together, and their hands linked, Rachel began walking toward the cemetery.

She hadn't been there in six months, but she still remembered exactly where it was. Even if she hadn't been there in six years, she still would have remembered. Everything about the day she buried Shelby was forever ingrained in her mind. There was a headstone there now, but everything else was exactly as she remembered it. Even the flowers on the surrounding graves hadn't changed.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asked.

"Yes, I just needed to come here to say a few things," Rachel replied, causing Quinn to give her a curious look. "There were so many things I never got to say to her. She may not be here to hear them, but I still need to say them."

"I get it," Quinn said.

Rachel gave her a sad smile before dropping her hand and walking forward. She wasn't even really sure what all she wanted to say, but she knew she needed to say it. She had kept so much to herself over the years, thinking she would eventually get to have a heart to heart with Shelby. Now that she was gone, though, that was never going to happen, and this was the closest she was going to get to it. It certainly wasn't how she imagined it happening, but nothing that had happened in the last six months was how she imagined her life would turn out.

"I want to know why," Rachel began as she stared at Shelby's headstone. "Why did you come into my life just to decide I wasn't worth your time? You acted like I didn't need a mother, but it was exactly what I needed. I was only fifteen years old; I wasn't an adult. And then you adopted Beth. You replaced me with her, with the little girl you wanted because I wasn't enough for you." Rachel wiped away a tear. "I don't understand how you could do that without so much of an apology. You came into my life for your own selfish reasons just to dump me when I wasn't what you envisioned."

Rachel wiped away a few more tears as she sniffed. "And after everything you did, you expected me to take care of Beth, the daughter you replaced me with. How could you think that was okay? How could you think that it was okay not to even tell me? Not only did I lose my mother that day, but you dropped this huge responsibility onto me." Rachel slammed her eyes shut, trying to stop her tears. "It just wasn't fair for you to drop that on me."

Rachel felt Quinn's arm wrap around her and she immediately turned and began crying into Quinn's shoulder. She had no idea how long they were standing there like that, but the blonde held her tightly as Rachel cried until she had no more tears left. Even when she was finally done crying, Quinn continued to hold her, silently rubbing her hands up and down Rachel's back. Eventually, Rachel let out of shaky breath and took a step back, wiping the last remnants of tears off her cheeks.

"Do you feel better?" Quinn asked.

"No," Rachel answered. "Yes. I don't know." Rachel sighed. "We should go so you can get ready for dinner."

Quinn shook her head and softly said, "Don't worry about that, okay?"

Rachel took a deep breath and slowly released it as she sunk into Quinn again. She was so thankful the blonde was there; she really didn't know how she would have done this if she hadn't been with her. She was happy she was finally able to get it all off her chest, but she really didn't know if she felt better. She was actually beginning to worry that she said too much, especially in front of Quinn.

"I probably shouldn't have said all of that," Rachel remarked.

"Why?" Quinn asked

"Because I don't want you to think I regret taking Beth or that I think she's a burden," Rachel replied. "I don't think that at all. I love her and I'm happy she's in my life. I just wish Shelby had talked to me about it. It is such a huge decision to place on someone without warning, and she shouldn't have just assumed I would do it."

"I know you love Beth," Quinn said softly. "I see that every time I'm with you and her."

"Really?" Rachel asked.

Quinn nodded and pulled back to look at Rachel. "Shelby's may have gone about it the wrong way, but she really couldn't have picked a better person for it."

"Thank you," Rachel said, leaning up, and giving Quinn a kiss.

Quinn shrugged and replied, "I didn't really do anything."

"You were here," Rachel stated. "I don't think I could have done this without you." Rachel sighed softly. "We should go."

"Are you sure?" Quinn asked.

Rachel nodded. "I believe I've said all I need to say for now."

"She's late," Leroy announced.

"I can assure you, Daddy, she is usually very prompt," Rachel said. "Look, there she is now."

This dinner was already off to a bad start and they hadn't even ordered yet. She had no idea why Quinn was late, but she was almost always on time, which worried Rachel a little. Quinn knew how important this dinner was to her, so she knew there must be a reason for it. And by the look on Quinn's face, Rachel was right. She didn't look like she had been crying or anything, but she certainly didn't look happy, and Rachel wondered what happened in the time between dropping her off at her fathers' house and now.

"I'm so sorry," Quinn said as she neared.

"What happened?" Rachel asked in concern as she stood from her chair.

"It was nothing," Quinn replied, shaking her head.

"I can tell when you're upset, Quinn," Rachel stated.

Quinn glanced at Rachel's fathers and sighed. "I told my mother I was having dinner with you and your fathers and we got in an argument about it."

"I'm sorry, Quinn," Rachel said, furrowing her eyebrows.

"It's not your fault," Quinn replied.

"Well, you're here now and that's what matters," Rachel said, giving her fathers a look in case they decided to disagree with her.

"Does your mom know about you and our daughter?" Hiram asked.

"Yes," Quinn answered as she sat down next to Rachel. "Although she wishes she didn't."

"Quinn's mother is having a difficult time accepting Quinn for who she is," Rachel explained.

Before Rachel could say anything else, their waitress came over to take Quinn's drink order. Rachel was thankful for the interruption, though. She was afraid her fathers were going to say something inappropriate, and that Quinn was going to feel like she was on trial. She was also a little afraid that old Quinn was going to surface if her fathers pushed the blonde too far.

"So, what did you end up doing last night?" Leroy asked. "I was surprised you were gone this morning when we got up with how late you came home."

"After dinner we all went to Kurt and Finn's house," Rachel said.

"Did you have fun?" Hiram asked.

"I did," Rachel said, glancing at Quinn with a little smile. "It was certainly an interesting night."

"Why is that?" Leroy asked, glancing between Rachel and Quinn. "Or maybe I don't want to know."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "It's nothing like that, Daddy. We just decided to tell our friends about our relationship and a few of them had a harder time with it than others."

"Finn didn't kick over any chairs, did he?" Hiram asked.

Quinn laughed. "No."

"He was surprisingly okay with it," Rachel replied.

"In the beginning, at least," Quinn added.

"As the night went on and it began to sink in, he started having more questions," Rachel elaborated. "Most of them were wondering if we were joking, and when he finally realized we were serious, he pouted the rest of the night. Mercedes was equally shocked, maybe even more so."

"I never liked that girl," Leroy stated.

"Yes, well, I have to admit it was rather fun to be there when Kurt told her," Rachel replied with a grin.

"I don't think I've ever heard anyone shriek quite that loudly before," Quinn said.

"Every time she saw us the rest of the night she would shake her head and say 'hell no'," Rachel recalled. "I still don't think she believes we were being truthful."

"She can deal," Quinn wryly said.

"So you've told everyone, then?" Leroy asked.

"Everyone," Rachel answered with a nod.

"I'm surprised," Leroy commented.

"Why?" Rachel asked. "Quinn and I are in a relationship and neither of us feel the need to hide it."

Leroy didn't seem to have an answer or at least not an answer he wanted to share. She hated that they didn't even seem to be giving Quinn a chance. She could tell by her Daddy's rigid posture and the way that he kept glancing at Quinn that he was on guard. All she wanted was for them to give Quinn a chance. To show them that they were wrong about her and that she was a changed person despite what they seemed to think about her.

Rachel huffed. "Dad, Daddy, you promised to at least give Quinn a chance, but if you're just going to—"

"Rachel, it's okay," Quinn interrupted before looking at Leroy and Hiram. "I know you don't like me and I can't blame you. I was horrible to your daughter in high school and nothing I can do is going to make that go away. I do feel terrible about it, though, and I've tried to make up for it as much as I can. I know you're worried about her, but you don't have to worry about me hurting her again. I love her and I would never do that."

"Please listen to Quinn," Rachel begged. "Don't you guys trust my judgment?"

Leroy's eyebrows rose. "I seem to recall when you were dating Finn and—"

"Okay, so I did a few less than intelligent things in high school, but that was several years ago and I like to think I'm a little wiser now," Rachel replied. "I know Quinn did some terrible things in high school, which she admits herself, but if I can forgive her for them and move on, so should you. Not only are Quinn and I in a relationship, but she's Beth's mother, so even if our relationship were to end, she's still going to be around."

"She's right," Hiram stated.

Leroy sighed. "I know."

"We're sorry," Hiram said, looking at Quinn. "It's just that Rachel is our only child and we can be a little overprotective of her at times. We hate the thought of anyone breaking her heart, and considering how many times she came home from school crying over something you did, you can see our concern. But the past is the past; I think we can all agree to move forward from here." He looked at Leroy. "Right?"

"Yes," Leroy replied.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

Rachel smiled as she looked at Quinn, reaching for her hand under the table. Quinn gave her a smile back and squeezed her hand. The evening may not have started the way Rachel had wanted it to, but she believed her fathers now. She didn't expect her fathers to love her immediately; she just wanted them to give her a chance, and if they did that, she had no doubt that they would come to accept her as one of the family over time.

"That went a little better than I thought it was going to," Quinn commented.

"I think you're already beginning to win them over," Rachel said, smiling at Quinn. "I had complete faith that you would."

"I don't know about that," Quinn replied.

"I do," Rachel said, wrapping her arms around Quinn's neck. "You had Daddy laughing, which isn't always easy to do." Rachel leaned up and kissed Quinn for a moment before pulling back slightly. "What are the chances I could convince you to come over tonight?"

"Are you asking me to stay the night?" Quinn asked.

Rachel nodded and said, "I'm asking you to stay the night."

"I don't think your fathers would like that very much," Quinn said.

"They know I'm an adult," Rachel stated.

"That doesn't mean they want their little girl's girlfriend staying the night," Quinn replied.

Rachel pouted, hoping it would change Quinn's mind. "Does that mean you're not going to?"

"I think it's best if I don't," Quinn replied. "Your fathers are just starting to tolerate me and I think staying over will completely undo that. Not to mention my mother." Quinn sighed. "I'm trying to get her to accept this, and I think her knowing I'm spending the night at your house will just push her too far. Or she'll completely ignore it and pretend everything is okay tomorrow." Quinn shook her head. "It's really hard to know."

"Okay, I see your point," Rachel relented.

Quinn leaned down, placing a quick kiss on Rachel's lips. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Don't forget we're meeting Noah at nine," Rachel said. "If we want to catch our flight, we need to leave town by eleven, so that should give us just enough time to catch up with Noah a little more before my Daddy picks us up. Hopefully Kurt listens to my many urgent texts on the importance of being ready when we arrive."

"I won't forget," Quinn replied with a laugh.

Rachel smiled and then gave Quinn a lingering kiss. She was fully aware her fathers were nearby, though, so it didn't last nearly as long as she'd wished. It was one thing for them to know about their relationship or for Quinn to even stay over behind closed doors, but they were her fathers and she always felt a little strange about too many displays of affection in front of them. She had been the same way when she was dating Finn, so it was nothing new. What was new was this feeling that she almost didn't care. She and Quinn had very little alone time over the past few days and she greatly missed being with her.

"Thank you again for coming," Rachel said as she pulled out of Quinn's embrace, reaching down for the blonde's hand, instead. "You have no idea how much it means."

"I have some idea," Quinn replied. "Because it means a lot to me, too. They're your fathers and I want them to like me."

Rachel smiled. "Maybe the next time we come we can work on your mom."

"Maybe," Quinn said.

"She'll come around eventually," Rachel promised. "It's hard to not love me once you get to know me."

Quinn laughed and said, "I've noticed."

"I was actually thinking we could come back for Thanksgiving," Rachel suggested. "It's Beth's first major holiday without her mom and I think it would be nice if she was surrounded by family. Maybe we can even invite your mom to dinner."

"I doubt she'll come, but we can try," Quinn replied.

Rachel smiled and nodded. "I should go."

"Goodnight," Quinn said, giving her one last kiss.

"Goodnight," Rachel replied, gently squeezing her hand, and then letting it go.

Rachel sighed softly as she watched Quinn walk the rest of the way to her mother's car. She really wished the blonde had agreed to spend the night, but she understood why she said no. She was just thankful they were going back to New York the next day, so they could get back to their normal lives, where they could spend the night together without worrying about their parents.

"I didn't think you were ever going to come," Leroy said when she opened the door.

"We were just saying goodnight," Rachel replied. "I told her about Thanksgiving and I think she's going to come."

Leroy smiled into the rearview mirror. "Good because we don't get to see our girls nearly enough."

"You can always come up and see us in New York, you know," Rachel pointed out.

"We usually don't want to intrude," Hiram replied. "We know how much you have going on without your fathers being in the way."

"You wouldn't be in the way," Rachel said, shaking her head.

"Nevertheless, you are busy," Leroy replied.

"That doesn't mean you can't come see us every little bit," Rachel argued. "Beth loves having you around and so do I."

"Maybe we can come up around Hanukkah," Hiram suggested.

Rachel smiled. "That sounds wonderful. Thank you. And I mean that for everything. Thank you for giving Quinn a chance tonight. It really means a lot to me."

"I still don't know how I feel about you dating her, but I can see that she really does love you," Leroy stated. "I hate that she made your life so hard for so many years, but I can see that she's changed."

"Lots of people make mistakes when they're young," Rachel said. "You've heard how her parents are. I'm not excusing what she did, but at least I can understand it, however misguided it may have been. That's not her anymore, though; she's a wonderful person now and I really love her."

"She just better never hurt you again," Hiram replied.

"Agreed, or she'll have us to answer to," Leroy added.

Rachel laughed lightly and said, "You're the best dads a girl could ask for."

"And don't you forget it," Leroy replied, looking over his shoulder, and giving her another smile.