Chapter 37 – I Can't Cry Hard Enough
Rachel knew it was far past the time she usually got up in the morning, but she couldn't seem to make herself get out of bed. Her eyes were burning and her head was throbbing from all the crying she'd done. She'd barely slept at all, only falling asleep sometime early in the morning, but she'd awoken only a few hours later. She hoped if she laid there long enough that she'd go back to sleep. Maybe then she would be able to postpone thinking about everything for a few more hours. It was useless, though; the room was far too bright with the morning sun and she couldn't seem to turn her mind off long enough to actually rest.
Sighing, she finally turned around to look at the clock and was shocked to find that it was nearly noon. She knew she'd been there a while, but she had no idea she'd been lying there that long. Regardless of the time, Rachel had no desire to get up, but she knew she needed to. The problem was that she knew her fathers would want to talk to her about everything and she was in no mood to discuss it right now. It was bad enough that she'd been replaying everything over and over in her mind all night long.
After lying there another fifteen minutes, she finally threw the covers off and slowly sat up. The pounding in her head intensified and her stomach gave an unpleasant jolt. She told herself to keep going and to stand up, but she sat there and stared at the off-white carpet for several minutes. When she finally did stand, her body felt like she'd been run over with a truck; her muscles ached and she felt shaky, like her legs were going to give way at any moment.
As she stood there, she heard her father's laugh from downstairs, and it felt completely foreign to her ears. She couldn't help but wonder what they were doing, but she imagined they were entertaining Beth somehow. They had kept her occupied through Thanksgiving dinner and throughout the evening, acting as if everything was completely normal. Rachel tried to pretend, too, but it was difficult. She remained quiet most of the time, focusing all of her energy on not breaking down in front of Beth, having to excuse herself several times when she felt a fresh wave of tears coming.
With a deep breath, Rachel began walking toward her bathroom. When she turned on the light, she closed her eyes, the brightness too much for her. Slowly, she opened them again and reluctantly looked into the mirror. Her eyes weren't quite as puffy as she was expecting, but she still looked terrible. It was obvious that she'd been crying most of the night and had gotten very little sleep. There wasn't much she could do about it, though; if she put makeup on, it would inevitably get messed up whenever she began crying again.
Rather than worry too much about her appearance, she stripped off her clothes and turned on the shower. As she stepped under the water, she winced slightly; the water was hot—almost to the point of scalding—but she didn't bother changing the temperature. Once the initial shock wore off, it actually felt good against her skin and made her forget her pounding head.
She stood there in the shower until the hot water was beginning to run out, and then she finally shampooed her tangled hair. By the time her hair was rinsed and her body was clean, the water was nearly freezing. She turned the water off with a shiver and quickly reached out, grabbing her towel to wrap around her.
Realizing she forgot any clothes to put on other than the ones she'd been wearing, she walked into her bedroom and pulled open her drawer. She decided to forgo real clothes and slipped back into a pair of pajamas. She didn't have the energy to go anywhere, and even if she did, she didn't have the desire to. She just wanted to sit around and wallow in her misery, hopefully being able to convince her fathers to go out and get her a pint or two of ice cream.
"There you are," Leroy said when she finally descended the stairs.
"Here I am," Rachel said flatly as she made her way into the living room, where her fathers and Beth were all sitting around the coffee table playing some game.
"We were wondering if you were ever going to grace us with your presence," Hiram remarked.
"Are you hungry?" Leroy asked. "We were thinking of ordering in."
Rachel shook her head and said, "No."
"Are you sure?" Hiram asked. "You barely ate dinner yesterday."
"I'm sure," Rachel answered.
Her stomach was empty, but she didn't feel hungry. Quite the opposite, actually; she felt nauseated and the thought of eating anything just made it worse.
"Why don't we go get ready and then we can go out for lunch," Hiram said, looking at Beth. "We can finish the game when we get home. Sound good."
"Okay," Beth said, setting down her cards.
As she stood up, she glanced at Rachel. She forced a smile onto her face, not wanting Beth to worry about her, but she knew the little girl wasn't easily fooled and could tell something was wrong. Without saying anything, Beth quickly put her arms around Rachel, and as fast as it had happened, she was letting go and running off toward the stairs.
"Do you want to ta—"
"No," Rachel answered before Leroy could get the rest of his question out.
"Rach—"
"I don't want to talk about anything," Rachel interrupted again.
Leroy sighed but nodded. "We figured. We're going to take Beth out for the day to give you some time to yourself. We just didn't want to leave before you got up. If you need us, though—"
"I'll call," Rachel said.
"And we'll come straight back," Leroy added.
Rachel gave him a sad smile. "Can you—"
"We'll pick you up some ice cream on the way back," Leroy said, leaning down, and kissing her forehead.
"Thank you," Rachel said, never more grateful to have her fathers around.
Rachel was lying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling when she heard the first knock. Sighing, she glanced in the direction of the door, but she didn't move. If it was one of her fathers' friends, she was in no mood to entertain them until they got back, and if it was Quinn, she certainly didn't want to talk to her. After about thirty seconds they knocked again, and then again a few more moments. Whoever it was seemed to be fairly persistent because they began ringing the doorbell repeatedly.
Reluctantly, Rachel stood up and trudged over to the door to at least see who it was. When she looked through the peephole, Kurt was on the other side looking incredibly annoyed. He had a frown on his face and one hand on his hip when he began knocking on the door again with the other. She cringed at the loud knocking and put her hand on the doorknob with a sigh, knowing Kurt wasn't going to give up anytime soon.
"Will you please stop that," Rachel said as she finally opened the door. "My head hurts and that is certainly no helping it."
"Does it hurt so bad that you can't answer your phone?" Kurt asked, breezing past her. "I've been texting you since yesterday. I was beginning to worry." Kurt turned and paused when he looked at her. "You look terrible."
"I know," Rachel quietly agreed.
"Okay, what's wrong with you?" Kurt asked. "You look like someone died. No one died, did they?"
"No," Rachel said as she shut the door. "But Quinn and I are over."
"I'm sorry—what?" Kurt asked. "What do you mean you're over?"
'I mean we broke up," Rachel stated. "Or at least it was strongly implied when I told her I want her to stay away from me."
"Okay, you have to start at the beginning here," Kurt said, holding his hands up. "The last time I saw you, you were completely in love with her and everything was sunshine and rainbows. What happened?"
"Santana," Rachel answered.
"Santana?" Kurt asked. "What does she had to do with this?"
"She's Quinn's roommate," Rachel replied. "Long story short, Quinn's been using me this whole time to get to Beth. She wants her back and that's why she's been pretending to love me."
"Did Quinn tell you this?" Kurt asked.
"Of course not," Rachel replied. "Santana told me everything, though. About how it was no accident that Quinn ran into me outside of Dr. Gilmore's office and how Quinn even had a lawyer."
"What did Quinn say?" Kurt asked.
"Does it matter?" Rachel asked back. "Things are over between us."
"I just want to know if she said it was true," Kurt replied.
"She claimed to have no idea what Santana was talking about," Rachel stated.
"And you believe Santana over Quinn?" Kurt asked. "After everything that's happened, you think it was all just an act? I know Quinn's a good actress, but I don't think she's that good."
"Why would Santana lie?" Rachel asked.
"Because she's Santana," Kurt said incredulously.
Rachel shook her head. "Years ago you told me that people don't change and you were right. She's the same Quinn that she's always been; she simply fooled me into believing otherwise. She's still the same Quinn who hurt me on a weekly basis, except this time it was much worse. She actually made me fall in love with her this time."
"Rachel—"
"Can you tell me that you don't think she's capable of this?" Rachel asked. "Capable of fooling everyone to get what she wants."
"I—I don't know," Kurt replied. "The Quinn from high school would, but she's changed."
"How do you know she has?" Rachel asked, tears finally coming to her eyes. "How do you know it's not all been an act? It wouldn't be the first time and you know it."
Kurt sighed. "You really think everything has been a lie?"
"It makes more sense than Quinn Fabray falling in love with me, doesn't it?" Rachel replied. "She'll always be the popular girl and I'll always be that overly ambitious, bossy girl who talks a lot and annoys everyone." Rachel sniffed. "I don't know why I ever thought she could fall for me."
"Rachel, listen to me," Kurt said, grabbing her shoulders. "I don't know if Santana was telling the truth or not, but have you stopped to think for a second that she could be lying? She is Santana, after all; she likes to cause drama and hurt people because she can."
"Have you ever known Santana to lie?" Rachel asked. "You're right—she does like to hurt people—but she always does it by telling them the truth. Quinn is the one who hurts people by lying."
Kurt's shoulders slumped slightly. "I guess you have a point, but I still find it hard to believe she would go through all of this to get Beth. There has to be a better way to do it; one that doesn't involve lying and manipulating."
"But that's what she does best," Rachel stated.
A few tears slipped down her cheek and she quickly wiped them away. She hated thinking Quinn could be capable of doing all of this to her, but it was exactly something the old Quinn would do. She had thought that Quinn was gone, but there was no new Quinn. The woman she loved didn't exist; it had all been an elaborate lie, and she felt foolish for believing it. No one was that perfect, and she should have seen what was happening rather than falling right into her trap.
"I still don't believe it," Kurt said after a few moments, shaking his head.
"Then why hasn't she come here?" Rachel quietly asked. "It's been over a day and she hadn't come by. If it was all a lie, wouldn't she care enough to try to convince me that Santana was lying?"
Kurt stared at her for a few seconds and then with a sigh asked, "Friends marathon?"
"You know, when I was growing up I thought it would be just like Friends when I moved to New York," Rachel commented as the show played in front of them. "I thought I would live with my best friend and our friends would live across the hall and we would have these great apartments."
"Well, you do live your best friend and our apartment isn't bad," Kurt replied.
"I suppose," Rachel said. "I just thought it would be more fun and a lot less difficult."
"Which is why that is a TV show and this is real life," Kurt replied.
"I know," Rachel said with a sigh. "I just wish things were easier. I wish life was easier. I can't wait for this horrible year to be over with."
Kurt reached out, patting her hand, before putting it back on his lap. Rachel was grateful that he'd suggested watching Friends and that he had refrained from talking about Quinn any more. He knew the show always made her feel better, though it wasn't having any affect today, but she appreciated it all the same. And she knew it must be taking all his effort not to talk about everything that had happened. Several times he'd opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but he would close it again, remaining silent.
"You know, when I was growing up I always wanted my life to be like that show Step By Step," Kurt commented. "As much as I liked having my dad to myself, I always secretly hoped he would meet someone with kids and we wouldn't get along at first, but in the end, we would be a family." Kurt shrugged. "I guess it sort of happened." Kurt looked over at her. "Is the party still on for tomorrow or do I need to tell my dad and Carole it's cancelled?"
"My fathers thought it would be best if it was postponed indefinitely," Rachel replied.
Kurt nodded and said, "I'll let them know."
She hated that her fathers cancelled their party—she knew how much they were looking forward to it—but she just couldn't help entertain guests at the moment. She offered to go out for the day while they had everyone over, but they wouldn't hear of it. So, in the end, they decided it would best if they cancelled it. Rachel couldn't help but feel guilty about it even if they told her multiple times that it was their decision to do it.
"Do you still want to stay until Sunday morning?" Kurt asked. "We can leave tomorrow if you would rather."
Rachel sighed. "I don't know. It would be nice to get back, but I don't want my fathers to be disappointed."
"Is—how is she getting back?" Kurt asked.
"You would have to ask her, but I know I'm not sitting in a car with her for ten hours" Rachel replied.
The thought of it made Rachel want to throw up. She couldn't see Quinn knowing what she had done. Not after realizing everything she thought she had with the other woman was a lie. She honestly wasn't sure what she would do if she did see her; she imagined it would either involve crying or screaming, though. Either way, she was in no hurry to find out, and Quinn didn't appear to want to see her, either, since she had made no attempt to contact her.
It only made Rachel more confident that she was right about Santana being right. If it was her that had been accused of it and she knew it was all a lie, she would have stopped at nothing to convince Quinn of the truth. Other than a few weak denials, though, Quinn had remained silent. When she finally looked at her phone, part of her had expected—or maybe hoped—to find multiple missed calls and text messages from Quinn. Rachel's heart had sunk when she saw that the only person who'd tried to contact her in the past day was Kurt and one message from Zoe wishing her a happy Thanksgiving.
"Is there still an Underdog balloon in the parade?" Kurt asked.
Rachel tilted her head to the side and said, "I'm not sure. I don't recall seeing one, though."
She heard a slight commotion outside the front door and they both turned just as her fathers and Beth came into the foyer. Despite the fact that it had begun to snow lightly earlier in the day, Beth had an ice cream cone in her hand, as did both of Rachel's fathers. The little girl looked happy and Rachel couldn't help but smile at the sight. She was thankful her fathers were there to keep Beth company because Rachel knew she wouldn't have been very fun when she was still struggling not to break down at any moment.
"Look who's here," Leroy said when he walked into the living room and saw Kurt sitting on the couch. "Keeping my daughter company, huh?"
"I became concerned when she was ignoring me," Kurt said, raising his eyebrow at her.
"I wasn't ignoring you," Rachel replied. "I simply hadn't checked my phone; there's a difference."
Hiram followed Leroy into the room and said, "I can't believe you're watching Friends without us."
"What did you three do today?" Rachel asked, looking back at them. "Other than getting ice cream when it's below freezing out."
"We did a bit of shopping," Leroy said, holding up several bags.
"A bit?" Rachel asked, eyeing the large bags.
"You know us," Hiram said with a shrug. "We tend to go overboard when it comes to those we love."
"It's mostly clothes," Leroy added.
"You know, with as many clothes as you buy her, she's going to grow out of them before she gets to wear them all," Rachel replied.
"Then you can donate them to a good cause," Leroy said.
"Are you two hungry?" Hiram asked. "We were thinking of ordering in."
"Yes," Kurt answered.
"Not really," Rachel replied.
"Not even for ice cream?" Leroy asked, holding up a smaller bag that she instantly recognized as coming from the only place in town that sold vegan ice cream.
"Maybe," Rachel replied, reaching out for it.
"After dinner," Leroy said, pulling it out of her grasp, and walking toward the kitchen.
"That's just mean," Rachel called after him with a huff.
Rachel stared at the television screen, but she hadn't been paying attention to what was happening on it for a while. When Kurt was there he kept up a running commentary, but her fathers were much quieter. Her friend's banter had been a nice distraction, but now that everything was quiet except the TV, her mind was drifting to other things.
As hard as she tried not to think of Quinn, she seemed to find it impossible to think of anything but her. And the harder she tried not to think of her, the more she came to her mind. It seemed as if everything reminded her of the woman, whether it be what was happening on the television screen or simply something she saw on her way into the kitchen. Not to mention the fact that it was impossible not to think of Quinn every time she looked at Beth.
Leroy laughed, pulling her out of her thoughts, and she looked at the clock to see the time. It wasn't very late, but she was thinking of heading to bed anyway. Despite getting up so late, she felt exhausted. She hadn't slept well, though, and whenever she was actually asleep, it was far from restful. She had no recollection of what she'd dreamed, but she knew she had awoken several times to find herself with tears on her cheeks. Every time she would try to remember what she'd been dreaming, but it seemed to be just out of her grasp, fading away the moment her eyes opened.
"Hey," Leroy said, nudging her.
Rachel hummed and looked over at her father. "Sorry."
"I asked if you want another bowl of ice cream," Leroy said.
Rachel shook her head. "I'm thinking of going to bed, actually."
"Are you sure?" Leroy asked.
"It's been a long day," Rachel replied with a sigh.
"We'll get Beth to bed if you want to go," Hiram said.
"Thank you," Rachel replied as she stood.
"Let us know if you need anything," Leroy said, squeezing her hand as she passed in front of him.
"I will," Rachel replied with a grateful smile.
She pulled her cardigan more tightly around her as she walked toward the stairs. She slowly walked up them and down the hallway, bypassing her room to go to Beth's. When she peeked inside, the little girl was coloring at her table with crayons and colored pencils scattered all around her, a stuffed gorilla sitting in the seat to her right while a stuffed dog was on her left. She seemed completely obvious to Rachel's presence as she continued to color, grabbing a new color every little bit and adding to the picture.
"I'm heading to bed," Rachel said after watching her for a few minutes. "My fathers will be up in about an hour to tuck you in. If you need anything, they're downstairs and I'm just across the hall, okay?"
"Okay," Beth quietly replied.
Rachel gave her a small smile and walked over, kissing her temple, and running her hand through the little girl's slightly tangled hair. When she turned to walk away, though, Beth asked, "Are you still sad?"
Rachel sighed and nodded. "Yes, I'm still sad, but don't worry about it, okay? Everything will be just fine." She walked a few steps and then turned around again. "Remember, I'm just across the hall if you need anything."
"'Kay," Beth said, going back to coloring.
As Rachel walked out of the room, she ran her hand through her hair. She didn't feel like everything was going to be fine ever again, but she didn't want Beth to worry about her. She had at least managed not to openly cry in front of her, but it was impossible to pretend everything was okay. She may pride herself on being an excellent actress, but trying to act happy when her heart had just been shattered was just too hard, and she didn't have the energy to try.
When she walked into her room, she closed the door behind her, plunging the room into complete darkness, and headed straight for her bed. She crawled under the covers, which she hadn't bothered to make when she got up, and pulled the comforter around her like a cocoon. After a few moments, she let out an exhausted sigh and turned onto her back, opening her eyes.
As she stared through the darkness at the ceiling, she wondered how things could change so much so quickly. One day she was carefree and the next Shelby was dead and she had to decide whether or not to take Beth. And when she finally managed to feel as if everything was normal again and she was actually happy—happier than she had ever been—her whole world came crashing down again.
She wiped away several tears as they slowly trailed their way down her cheek. They were soon replaced by more, though. They began to come so fast that she gave up trying to wipe them away, letting them stream freely down her face. After a few more minutes she turned, crying into her pillow to stifle the sound of her sobs, so Beth couldn't hear them across the hallway.