Chapter 12

Your lights are on, but you're not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another kiss is what it takes

– Robert Palmer (Addicted to Love)

=/\=

Sheilagh came up for air. "So, what does HD stand for, anyway?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Why are you asking?" he inquired.

"I wanna know the guy I'm kissing a little better. And who I'm going to go to bed with."

"Oh," he barely squeaked out, processing this new information. He had thought they'd just quit at necking. He had not counted on it going that far.

"And?"

"It's, uh, it's Henry Desmond. I'm the fourth one."

"I can see why you go with HD."

"My great-granddad is Hal. My granddad is Harry. My father goes by Hank."

"So you could be Henry. Does anybody call you that?"

"Just my mother," he said, "my father just, this is embarrassing but he still calls me Little Hank. I hate it. He thinks we're Big Hank and Little Hank, as if I were five years old again. I totally and completely hate it."

"I get that," she kissed his nose, "can you also tell me, why me? I am twice your age. Don't tell me it's just 'cause you think you can get some from me, 'cause if that's the only reason, this is ending right now."

"That's not the reason. And I know about the age difference," he said, "It's not like I don't like girls closer to my own age. I even tried to ask out Crystal once."

"And?"

"I never actually went through with it. I didn't really want to be with her. I just, I wanted some experience for when I could, uh, hopefully get with you." He awkwardly pulled her to him, and their teeth clicked when they kissed.

"A little less enthusiasm with that, I think," she advised.

"Oh, uh, sorry."

"You still didn't really answer my question. Why me?"

"You're smart, you're sexy. You're perceptive, yanno? You just, you come up with a lotta great ideas. As a musician, I can appreciate that kind of creativity. You're sensitive, but not overly so. And you've paid attention to me. I guess I'm being kinda selfish when I say that, right?"

"That's okay."

"It's that, I usually don't do so well one on one. I like crowds. I hit entertainer mode. I spin music. I sing. I play whatever instruments I can get my hands on. People seem to really love me when I do stuff like that."

"Well, you're really talented."

"I suppose. But then I meet someone face to face and it all falls apart. I can't, I can't keep it up. And I can't even tell anyone that, yet I'm telling you right now. I just can. I know you'll pay attention and you won't act like it's no big deal and I should just get over it or something."

"Yeah, I guess I will pay attention."

"Tell me about yourself," he said.

"You wanna hear boring stuff?" she asked, "Plus, I thought you'd wanna cut to the chase." She nodded a bit toward the pillows.

"Not that I don't wanna. Believe me, it is so not that. But I do need to kinda keep myself calm for a while. Otherwise, I'm bound to finish before we've even started. I have no experience with this at all. And I can tell I'm overly worked up and all we're doing is just talking."

"I see. Have you kissed anyone before, er, today?"

"Yeah. Four others before you. One actually got as far as, uh, well, we were both naked. And then her father walked in."

"Gawd, I'm so removed from that."

"So, your life story?" he prompted.

"I was born in New Brasilia, on Callisto," she said, "I'm an only child. You're interested in this?"

"I am," he assured her, "I want to know you because I am kinda hoping that would mean we don't just do this today."

She kissed him. "I want you to understand something. Up until, well, pretty much just now, I didn't look at you in any manner that wasn't just friendly. Not that I didn't find you attractive; it's that I just didn't see it happening. So maybe let's not talk about later and stuff."

"See, I do this all the time," HD said.

"Do what?"

"Jump the gun."

An alarm went off. "Dammit," Sheilagh said, getting up. He put out a hand to stop her. "C'mon, I think at least I should see about turning that off if I can."

She walked back to the front of the ship. The display read 2083. "HD, we gotta start spatially piloting!" she called to him.

"Uh, okay," he swore under his breath and thought about how dumb it had been of him to insist on engaging her in conversation. "She's right; I shoulda just cut to the chase," he whispered to himself.

=/\=

On the Jack Finney, Dan piloted, and never took his eyes off either the controls or the display. All attempts by Polly to engage him in any sort of conversation were rebuffed.

She looked at him, "You're really affected by their deaths, eh?"

"Aren't you?"

"I am," she admitted, "but there's a difference between being affected due to proximity to a tragedy – that's me – versus being utterly personally affected. And that appears to be you."

"I just don't wanna make small talk after a thing like that has just happened," Dan bristled. He was still being a bit affected by the alcohol.

"Okay, so no small talk. How about big talk then, all right? Tell me how you're feeling, and why you think this is affecting you so."

"I don't understand why you or any of the others aren't affected," Dan said, a little pointedly, "The only person who showed any sort of emotion was Crystal."

"People react in all sorts of different ways," Polly explained, "and they process emotions such as grief at different paces. But while shock is understandable here, as is a bit of empathy, actual, full-blown mourning seems to be out of place."

"So you're saying my emotions are wrong?" he barked, "Rounding 2540."

"No," she replied cautiously, "instead, what I am saying is that it would be in a more appropriate realm if it was dialed back a bit. Feelings are feelings – despite what most Vulcans will tell you, they are generally valid – but what I am talking about is the depth and extent of reactions. The proportion seems off. That's telling me that there's something else there. Wanna talk about that different, hidden layer, the one deep down inside you?"

He sighed. She was right. He was, frankly, beginning to panic a bit. If Marisol's personal effects were discovered, there was a slender chance that he would be found out. But that chance fattened up like a turkey in November if all of the clues were put together. "Not, uh, not now."

"All right", she said, "I can wait. Did, uh, did you read about the mission?"

"Sure, we gotta make sure Cramer dies on schedule. Yanno, I'm getting pretty sick of constantly assuring a bunch of deaths," he admitted.

"That part definitely gets old quickly," she said, "but we still have to do this. These are the cards we were dealt. At least Carmen and Deirdre are out preventing deaths."

"Yeah, they're busy saving Borg. That's not exactly comforting."

=/\=

You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another kiss is all you need

– Robert Palmer (Addicted to Love)