Chapter 38 – Life Goes By

"Are you ever going to tell me why you're in such a pissy mood?" April asked.

Rachel sighed softly to herself and went about wiping down the table she was working on cleaning. Her coworker had asked her that question at least a half a dozen times a day since she came back from Lima. Rachel didn't think she was in that bad of a mood, but April seemed to disagree. She wasn't even really sure why she just didn't tell her; at least then she would understand her less than happy mood and stop asking her the same question over and over.

"It's been over a week," April stated after a few moments of silence. "Whatever it is, you should get over it. I know Ohio sucks, but it couldn't' have put you in that bad a mood. Seriously, what's wrong with—"

"Don't act like you care!" Rachel snapped at her.

April held her hands up in surrender. "I'm just trying to figure out why you look like someone died." April frowned. "No one died, did they?"

"No, no one died," Rachel answered.

"Then what else could have you in such a—" April froze and dropped her hands. "How's Quinn?"

"I wouldn't know," Rachel replied before bitterly adding, "I'm sure she's perfectly fine, though."

"You two broke up," April said.

"Yes," Rachel confirmed.

"Why didn't you say something?" April asked. "No wonder you've been such a pain in the ass."

"Maybe I didn't need to be reminded again," Rachel replied.

She really hated telling people; thankfully almost everyone in her life now knew. Or at least the most important people. Well, everyone except Beth; she knew the little girl probably guessed, but she hadn't actually asked and Rachel hadn't initiated the conversation yet. She knew Beth was quite attached to Quinn and she hated the thought of telling her the other woman wouldn't be around anymore. Rachel was just thankful she hadn't told her that Quinn was her birth mother, yet. She hated to imagine how much worse it would be on the little girl if she had.

"How'd it happen?" April asked.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Can you not tell that I would rather not discuss it?"

"Can you not tell that I don't care?" April retorted. "Seriously, how did it happen? You two were so happy it made me want to throw up."

"She lied to me," Rachel replied.

"Everyone lies," April stated.

"Not like this," Rachel said with a sigh.

April looked like she wanted to say something else, but she nodded and remained silent. Rachel was just grateful she wasn't pushing her for a reason; she really didn't feel like everyone know the extent of how badly she'd been hurt, but she knew the other woman would bug her until she finally told. The only person who knew other than Kurt and her fathers was Zoe. Even if they really didn't see each other much outside of dance class and taking or picking up the kids from school, she was the closest friend Rachel had after Kurt. At least now that the only other person she truly trusted had betrayed that trust in the worst possible way.

Rachel continued cleaning off the tables, picking up several cups that customers had been too lazy to throw in the garbage. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw April glance at her every little bit. She ignored her coworker, though, and walked to the garbage, dumping the discarded cups into it. She walked past their only two customers and around the counter, continuing to ignore April's looks as she grabbed the glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.

"Did she cheat on you?" April asked as Rachel passed by her again.

Rachel stopped and sighed. "No, she didn't cheat on me. Can you drop it?"

"I just don't get how you can go from nauseatingly happy to this," April said, waving her hand around.

"Does it matter?" Rachel asked in annoyance. "We're not friends."

"Duh," April replied. "But that doesn't mean I don't want to know."

"Why?" Rachel asked. "So you can mock me?"

"Please, that would be like kicking a puppy," April said. "A sad, slightly bitchy puppy." April's face softened as she let out a sigh. "I just want to know how bad it is. I know we're not really friends or anything, but that doesn't mean I want to see you like this."

"It's bad, okay," Rachel softly said, looking away.

"Okay," April replied. "I'll drop it."

"Thank you," Rachel said.

As she walked toward the window, she heard the bell over the door ring and instinctively looked over. She half expected Quinn to talk through the door, but she'd yet to see her since coming back to New York. Quinn was following Rachel's wishes and staying away, but she honestly wasn't sure if she was thankful for it or not.

Rachel slid the door open and walked into her apartment with a sigh. She set the grocery bags she was holding onto the floor and pulled off her hat before removing her scarf, gloves, and her coat. It felt like the temperature had dropped twenty degrees from the time she left work until she finally stepped out of the cold and into her apartment building. It had been chilly when she entered the grocery store, but after she'd finished the shopping and walked out of the store, the bitter wind nearly took her breath away.

"You're back," Kurt commented as he popped his head out from the kitchen.

"Yeah," Rachel said, reaching down to pick up the bags again. "I did a little shopping on the way."

"A little," Kurt replied, eyeing the bags.

"Okay, a lot," Rachel said. "I think I bought out half of the junk food in the store."

"Let me guess, the other half wasn't vegan friendly?" Kurt asked with a smile.

"Precisely," Rachel replied, setting the bags down on the kitchen counter.

"I take your day was no better than yesterday?" Kurt said.

Rachel sighed and said, "No."

"Did Quinn come by?" Kurt asked.

Rachel shook her head as she turned toward Kurt. "No."

Kurt scowled; he clearly seemed to expect her to show up one day and he seemed to get more and more disappointed every day she didn't. "I don't understand her."

"What's there to understand?" Rachel wondered. "She obviously doesn't care about seeing me, which shouldn't come as a surprise."

"Rachel, everything about these past two weeks has been a surprise," Kurt replied. "I still don't want to think Quinn could do something this terrible."

"Why not?" Rachel asked. "It's not as if she hasn't done terrible things to me in the past."

"I know, but—that's the past," Kurt replied in exasperation.

"Evidently it's not," Rachel said, turning to unpack the groceries.

Kurt sighed as he walked up next to her. "I just hate thinking that she would deliberately hurt you like this. I know you two have a history, but this would be low even for her. You know I just want you to be happy, and I thought she was the one who was going to do that." Kurt shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I just don't want to believe any of this."

"It's not as if I want to believe it, either, but it seems pretty clear at this point," Rachel said, sniffling. "She's made no attempt to contact me, after all. If it were me and I had been wrongly accused of something such as this, I would stop at nothing to convince Quinn of the truth."

"What would you do if she did show up?" Kurt asked.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for your date with Ben?" Rachel asked, suddenly realizing that Kurt was still in the clothes he'd been wearing since that morning.

"You're not allowed to change the subject," Kurt said, crossing his arms over his chest. "What would you do if Quinn showed up tomorrow? Or tonight?"

"I would tell her to leave," Rachel answered.

"Really?" Kurt asked. "What if she wanted to explain what happened?"

"I know what happened and there is no explanation for it," Rachel argued. "Now, if you don't get ready soon, you're going to be late for your date."

"I'm mostly ready," Kurt replied. "I just have to change clothes, which I've already ironed and laid out on my bed."

"What about your hair?" Rachel asked.

"My hair is just fine," Kurt said, narrowing his eyes at her.

"If you're sure," Rachel replied, picking up a carton of ice cream, and walking to the freezer with it.

"You're not going to distract me by implying there's something wrong with my hair," Kurt remarked. "Nice try, though."

"Beth!" Rachel called out.

"She's rehearsing for the Christmas recital, so she probably can't hear you over the music," Kurt said.

"So where are you taking Ben tonight?" Rachel asked.

"To see The Book of Mormon," Kurt answered.

"But Ben doesn't like musicals," Rachel replied. "He doesn't even like music."

"And I'm going to change that," Kurt stated.

Rachel wanted to tell Kurt that people don't change, not really, but she didn't want to crush his hopes. She could tell that he really liked Ben—she didn't think she'd seen him so happy after a first date—and it would be nice if things could work out from them. She really wanted Kurt to be happy for once; he'd had his share of heartbreak just like she had. She may not be happy any longer, but she thought it would be nice if one of them could be.

"Are you not hungry?" Rachel asked, noticing that Beth was barely touching her food.

The little girl shrugged her shoulders and took a small bite of her pasta. Rachel watched her closely as Beth slowly chewed her food with a glum expression on her face. She had seemed perfectly fine earlier in the day, so Rachel had no idea why she suddenly looked the way she looked.

"Is the food bad?" Rachel asked.

"No," Beth answered.

"How was school today?" Rachel asked.

"Okay," Beth said, shrugging her shoulders again.

Rachel frowned slightly, trying to think of what could be troubling Beth. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Where's Quinn?" Beth asked.

Rachel froze and the piece of pasta that had been on her fork fell to her plate. It was the second time she'd asked about Quinn that evening, but it was the first time she'd asked where she was. Right before dinner she'd asked if she was coming over that night, and when Rachel told her no, she'd left it at that. Now that she wanted to know where she was, Rachel knew she couldn't put the conversation off any longer; she was going to have to explain it to her.

"Why didn't she come back with us?" Beth added.

"Quinn and I broke up while we were in Lima," Rachel said honestly.

"Why?" Beth asked.

"Do you know how you sometimes think you know someone, but you really don't?" Rachel asked. "I found out that I don't really know her. I thought I did, but I found out she lied to me about things. That's why I've been so sad lately."

"Can she say she's sorry?" Beth asked.

"She can, but sometimes that can't fix things," Rachel replied.

"Will we ever see her again?" Beth asked.

"I don't know," Rachel answered. "Probably not."

Beth went quiet again as she stared down at her plate. Rachel was trying to keep her emotions in check, but she hated seeing Beth look so sad. Not only had Rachel been hurt by what Quinn had done, but now it was hurting Beth. She'd been afraid of letting someone into their lives for that very reason; she didn't want Beth to get attached to someone just to have them leave. The little girl had already lost enough that year, and now this was happening.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said. "I know you liked having Quinn around. I wish things could be different, but they can't. Do you understand?"

Beth nodded and began pushing her food around on her plate. Rachel sighed, wishing there was something she could say to make things better, but she knew there was nothing. They were all just going to have to get used to Quinn no longer being around. She just continued to be thankful that she hadn't revealed the truth to Beth because she knew how much worse it could have been.

There was a knock on the door and Rachel heart suddenly began to pound. She wasn't expecting anyone, and her mind immediately went to the possibility of Quinn being there. She glanced at Beth, who was looking at her, before standing up from her chair and walking to the door, cursing the fact that they didn't have a peephole so she could see who was on the other side before opening it.

The walk to the door seemed much longer than usual and she was all too aware of how fast her heart was beating. She tried to remain calm, though—for Beth's sake if nothing else—and took a deep breath as she paused at the door. As she finally put her hand on there door, the person on the other side lightly knocked again, and Rachel opened it just enough to look out into the hall. Breathing a sigh of relief when she saw who it was, she opened the door the rest of the way.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked.

"We were in the neighborhood and Emma asked if we could stop by," Zoe said, smiling at her. "I hope you don't mind the intrusion."

"Of course not," Rachel said, stepping to the side. "Please come in."

Emma immediately walked inside and ran over to Beth, who had stood from her seat at the table. Before Rachel knew it, Beth was completely abandoning her food and taking Emma toward the living room, probably to go into her room to play.

"We interrupted dinner," Zoe observed, looking toward the kitchen table.

"Don't worry about it," Rachel said. "Beth was barely eating anyway, and I haven't had much of an appetite lately."

"Are you feeling any better?" Zoe asked.

"Not really," Rachel answered.

"Is Kurt at work?" Zoe asked, pulling off her gloves.

"Actually, he's on a date," Rachel replied.

"I guess it's just the girls tonight, then," Zoe said, giving her a smile.

"Beth seems a little subdued tonight," Zoe commented as they watched the girls playing.

"Yeah," Rachel said with a sigh. "I finally told her Quinn and I broke up; I think she's sad she isn't going to be around anymore."

"Were they close?" Zoe asked.

Rachel shrugged and said, "Yes and no, I guess. I could tell Beth was attached to Quinn by the way she acted around her, but they didn't spend a lot of time together just the two of them. I think Quinn was always a little afraid to, which I really don't understand."

"I know if I'd given up Emma, which," Zoe sighed, pausing for a moment, "I thought about doing, I would probably be afraid to see her, too. One thing I kept thinking about was if she would hate me for it when she got older. It had to be weird for her; giving up a child and then being back in their life a few years later, but them not knowing it."

"I guess," Rachel softly said. "If you don't mind my asking, what made you decide not to put her up for adoption?"

"I couldn't imagine someone else raising her," Zoe replied. "Not being there for her birthdays, for her first day of school, to see her go to her first dance. I was nineteen when I got pregnant and I didn't know if I could do it, but the alternative felt even worse, so I kept her and made things work even if it meant working two jobs and living in an apartment that was roughly the size of a closet."

Rachel gave her a smile and said, "Well, I'm happy things worked out and that things got better."

"And I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you," Zoe replied. "I know how much you love Quinn."

"Yes, well, unfortunately love isn't always enough," Rachel said with a sigh. "I should have known, though." Rachel shook her head. "I don't know how I could have ever believed that she was sorry for the things she'd done. I gave her so many chances in high school and she always slapped it away. Why should this time be any different? I was blinded by my feelings for her; I wanted to think she'd changed, so I convinced myself she had."

"I know it's probably not my place, but have you ever thought maybe the girl who told you was the one who was lying?" Zoe asked. "I mean, if Quinn was lying, she did a very good job of it. She definitely had me fooled."

"You don't know Santana," Rachel replied. "She's a terrible person, but I've never really known her to lie. She likes to hurt people, and she usually does it by being brutally honest with them. Like the time she told me she'd slept with my boyfriend while we were on a break after he had lied to me about it." Rachel paused. "Or the time in high school when Quinn pretended to bury her dislike of me, so she could get closer to me in an attempt to hurt me. I never knew what her ultimate goal was because she made Santana angry one day, so she told me everything she was doing. I thought I actually had a chance of becoming friends with her then, but just like every other time, it was all an act."

"That's terrible," Zoe said, frowning.

"I told you this isn't the first time she's done something like this," Rachel replied. "This time she just took it a bit further. This time she managed to make me fall in love with her. And not only was her intention to break my heart, but she was going to try to take Beth away from me." Rachel shook her head, trying not to cry. "I hate that I still love her, too. I know that she did this to me, but I still love her, or at least who I thought she was. Every time I cry, I wish she could be there to make it all better, but she was the one who caused all of this."

"It's just going to take some time," Zoe said, reaching out, and squeezing her hand.

"I know," Rachel replied. "It just hurts so much that I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through it. I don't want to go to work or school or do anything, really. Most mornings I don't even want to get out of bed."

"But you do," Zoe stated.

Rachel sighed. "I have to. I don't want Beth to worry; she's been through enough this year."

"Then that's what you need to focus on," Zoe replied. "Just think of Beth every time you don't want to get out of bed. Hopefully, before you know it, things will start to feel a little less hard."

"Having friends certainly helps, too," Rachel said, giving Zoe a sad but grateful smile.

"I want to know what happens next!" Beth protested when Rachel closed the book she was reading to her.

"What happens next is that this little girl is going to sleep," Rachel said, kissing the top of her head.

"In the story," Beth replied with a huff.

"Oh, well, that you'll have to wait until tomorrow night to find out," Rachel said. "It's already thirty minutes past your bedtime because I read an extra chapter, and we both have school in the morning."

"Okay," Beth replied, sounding disappointed.

"Did you have fun tonight at least?" Rachel asked.

Beth nodded and said, "I wish Emma could play more."

"I know," Rachel replied. "Maybe Zoe and I can make sure you two get to spend more time together. Friday I'll talk to her about maybe doing something once a week. We can take you to the park or the zoo or they can just come over here for an afternoon. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah," Beth said, nodding again.

Rachel tucked Beth in a little better and kissed her forehead. "I love you, you know?"

"I know," Beth replied, reaching out, and putting her arms around Rachel's neck, giving her a hug.

"If you need me just yell, okay?" Rachel said, removing a few stray hairs from Beth's forehead.

"Okay," Beth said, snuggling under the covers.

Rachel gave her a smile before turning off her beside light and standing up. She really hoped Beth would be able to sleep after all the excitement of the day. It was one of the reasons she read an extra chapter when the little girl asked; she was hoping it would tire her out a little more. Rachel, on the other hand, was completely exhausted. That wasn't unusual, though, since she'd spent the last few weeks in a constant state of exhaustion. She hadn't been able to sleep well since Thanksgiving, and what sleep she did get was plagued by nightmares.

As she walked across the living room, she turned off the lights along the way, leaving the one closest to the door on for whenever Kurt came home. She hoped he was having a good night with Ben; he hadn't come home early at least, so she was taking that as a good sign. She couldn't remember the last time Kurt had made it to a third date with someone. She didn't know if he was just very picky and looking for any little thing wrong or if he just had terrible luck, but it would be nice if everything worked out this time. She hated seeing her best friend so lonely, and she wanted nothing more than for him to finally be completely happy.

When she walked into her room, she stripped off her clothes and threw them into the hamper before rummaging through her dresser for something clean. She really needed to go do laundry, but she couldn't seem to find the motivation. Whether she had the motivation or not, though, that was going to have to change. She was down to her last two clean pairs of underwear, and she was not about to wear the same pair more than once.

She eventually found a pair of shorts, which she slipped on, and walked to the closet to grab a shirt. When she looked inside, she deliberately avoiding looking at the right side of the closet, where a few of Quinn's clothes were still hanging. She didn't know why she hadn't boxed them up yet, but the thought of it just hurt too much. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. Quinn was supposed to be moving in there, not having her things boxed up.

She quickly grabbed the nearest shirt and closed the closet door, wanting to forget all about Quinn and her things. But that was nearly impossible when almost everything reminded her of the blonde. The worst part was having to sleep in the bed, where they had spent so many hours exploring each other's bodies.

She roughly pulled the shirt over her head and wiped at her eyes. She was tired of crying over Quinn and angry that she couldn't even be in her own apartment without feeling like everything was tainted. She wished everything could go back to the way it was before Quinn entered her life. The problem was that it seemed like so long ago that she could no longer remember what it was like. And it was silly because she'd only reconnected with Quinn seven months ago, but yet it felt like a lifetime.

As she crawled into bed, she turned off the light on her nightstand and pulled the covers around her. After a few minutes of lying on her back, she turned on her side, staring at Quinn's side of the bed. She reached out and put her hand on the pillow Quinn had finally brought from home. A tear slid down her cheek and she pulled the pillow closer, breathing in the smell of Quinn's shampoo as her tears began to fall more rapidly.