Chapter 39 - My Big Mistake

"Can you zip me up?" Rachel asked as she walked into Kurt's room.

Kurt did as she requested and then asked, "Which tie goes better with the suit?"

"The blue matches a little better, but the red is more festive," Rachel said, looking between the two options.

"I'll go with festive, then," Kurt said, throwing the blue tie onto his bed, and putting the other around his neck. "Are your fathers ready yet?"

"They've been ready for a while," Rachel answered. "They're helping Beth with her hair."

She knew her fathers were going to come for the holidays, but they surprised them by coming a few days early. They said they missed Beth's other recitals and they weren't going to miss her Christmas one. Rachel thought it was sweet that they wanted to be there for it, and she was always happy to have her dads around. It had been a difficult month and sometimes it was just nice to have her daddies there.

"Do I look okay?" Rachel asked, looking down at her dress.

"Lovely," Kurt answered. "Though I think you should wear those strappy black heels."

"Really?" Rachel asked, glancing at her shoes.

"Definitely," Kurt said.

"I'll be right back," Rachel replied.

Rachel quickly walked out of Kurt's room and over to her room. She tossed off her high heels, throwing them into the corner, and opened her closet. Kneeling down, she rummaged for the shoes she knew Kurt must be talking about. Her closet was a mess—she hadn't exactly been in a tidying mood lately—and it took her several minutes, but she finally found them hiding at the back. When she pulled them out and stood, she leaned her hand against the wall, steadying herself as she slipped them on.

She walked over to the mirror and looked at her outfit. She saw that Kurt was right—the strappy black heels did go better with the new black dress she was wearing. When she stepped closer to the mirror to inspect her makeup, she couldn't help but sigh. Her makeup was fine, but it only covered so much. She still hadn't been sleeping well, and even with the makeup, it showed. She had dark circles under eyes, which were mostly covered, but there was nothing she could do for her bloodshot eyes. Other than being in desperate need of a good night's sleep, thought she looked fairly good.

Rachel turned away from the mirror and ran her hand down the back of her head, making sure her hair was tangle free. When she was finally satisfied with everything, she grabbed her purse from her dresser and walked into the living room. Kurt was sitting on the couch, tying his shoes, but Rachel's fathers could still be heard in Beth's room. She just hoped they hurried with the little girl's hair; Beth was supposed to be there early and she didn't want her to be late.

"Better?" Rachel asked even if she already knew the answer.

"Much," Kurt said, picking a speck of lint off his jacket.

"We need to leave in ten minutes if we don't want to be late," Rachel stated.

"I think they're almost done," Kurt said, nodding toward Beth's room.

"I hope so," Rachel replied, taking a seat next to her best friend. "I don't know how we're running behind every time. I used to pride myself on my time management skills." Rachel laughed lightly. "What happened to that?"

"You got a kid," Kurt answered.

"Can you even imagine what your life would be like without her?" Rachel asked. "Because I can't."

"A little more carefree, a little less busy—but no, not really," Kurt replied.

"I know I've said it before, but thank you," Rachel said, looping her arm through his. "I don't know how I would have gotten through this year if it wasn't for you."

"You wouldn't have," Kurt said, grinning at her. "And you really don't have to thank me. I know you would have done the same if the roles were reversed. Plus, if I ever find Mr. Right and we have a child together, there is no way I'll let you get out of babysitting for us."

Rachel laughed. "So that was your plan all along? Free babysitting in the future?"

"Of course," Kurt replied. "You didn't think I did this out of the goodness of my heart, did you?"

He nudged Rachel, smiling at her and she said, "Regardless of your reasons, I'm just happy to have you here."

"She's ready," Hiram announced as he emerged from Beth's room.

"Are you both ready?" Rachel double checked.

"Are you insinuating there's something wrong with this suit?" Leroy asked before giving her a wink. "Yes, we're ready."

The three men began heading toward the door, but Rachel walked over to Beth and asked, "Are you excited?"

Beth nodded. "Yeah."

"Girls, we're going to be late," Hiram said.

Rachel narrowed her eyes at her father, who just laughed, and then turned to Beth again. "Ready?"

"Ready," Beth said with a nod.

"How is she?" Kurt asked as Rachel sat in her seat next to him.

"I think she's a little nervous," Rachel answered. "My fathers are trying to make her feel better, but I don't think it's working."

"What are they doing?" Kurt asked.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Telling her stories of my recitals."

"How would that make Beth feel better?" Kurt asked.

"Let's just say there were a few embarrassing incidents," Rachel replied. "I guess they figure that whatever happens tonight, it can't be any worse than the stories they're telling. I had to get out of there before they embarrassed me even more because I know they're saving the worst for last."

"Remind me to ask them about these stories," Kurt said, smirking.

"Don't you dare," Rachel replied.

Rachel sat back with a sigh and glanced around for Zoe. They were saving her a seat since she had to work and they were going to get there before her. Rachel figured she should be there any time, though, unless the trains were more crowded than usual, which was highly likely considering Christmas was only a few days away.

"It's too bad Ben couldn't come," Rachel remarked as she turned toward the front again.

"Even if he didn't have to work, I don't know if a children's holiday recital is really his idea of a good time," Kurt said.

"Be that as it may, it would be nice to get to know your boyfriend a little better," Rachel replied.

"He's not my boyfriend," Kurt argued.

"I believe six dates constitutes a boyfriend," Rachel stated.

"I told you we're taking things slow," Kurt replied. "My last three relationships were complete disasters and I don't want to go through that again."

"For what it's worth, I think Ben is completely smitten with you," Rachel said, causing a small smile to appear on his face.

Rachel opened her mouth to add that she may not be the best judge of that considering her recent disastrous relationship, but she decided to remain silent. She didn't want to put any doubts in Kurt's head, and Ben really did seem like a sincere guy. For Kurt's sake, she really did hope he didn't turn out to be a cheater, a liar, or slightly crazy.

"I just wish he liked music," Kurt said after a few moments. "How can you not like music? There are so many different genres. I mean, what does he do when he takes the subway? Does he just sit there?"

"You may have to accept the fact that he isn't going to change his opinion on it," Rachel replied. "Although, you know I agree wholeheartedly. But nothing says you have to have all the same interests, and just because he doesn't like it, it doesn't mean he won't attend musicals or concerts with you."

Kurt sighed. "Yeah, but it's just weird."

"I know," Rachel said, laughing lightly.

"It's just too bad he's going home for the next week," Kurt remarked.

"At least he'll be here for New Year's," Rachel replied.

"True," Kurt said.

"He's still attending the party, right?" Rachel asked.

"He's coming," Kurt confirmed.

"I wish we knew more people to invite," Rachel commented with a frown. "I'm afraid our first ever New Year's Eve party is going to be rather anticlimactic."

"Six people, two of which are children—yeah, it's a bit lame after talking about throwing one for three years," Kurt said.

"We need more friends," Rachel said with a sigh.

"You could invite that coworker of yours," Kurt said with a slight smirk.

"I'm fairly certain she already has plans," Rachel replied. "I overheard her talking on the phone. She's going to some big party."

"What about the other girl?" Kurt asked.

"If I invited Sara, I would have to invite her creepy boyfriend," Rachel said, shaking her head. "I don't know if I would feel safe knowing he knew where I lived."

"Well, I could always invite some work people, but if I invited one, I'd have to invite them all," Kurt replied as Rachel turned around again to look for any sign of Zoe.

Whatever Kurt said next, Rachel had no idea. Everything seemed to fade away and all she could hear was her heart pounding in her chest as she stared at Quinn. She hadn't seen the other woman in twenty-three days, but there she was, standing toward the back of the auditorium. It was much easier to ignore the pain she felt when she didn't have to see Quinn, and looking at her was making Rachel feel sick to her stomach.

"Rach," Kurt said, nudging her. "Rachel!"

Rachel turned toward the stage, feeling as if she was going to throw up at any moment.

"Why are you so—"

"Quinn is here," Rachel tried to calmly say, but there was a tremor in her voice.

"What?" Kurt asked, whipping his head around. "What is she doing here?"

"I don't know," Rachel said, trying to focus on breathing.

"You don't look so good," Kurt stated.

"I don't feel so good," Rachel admitted. "I feel like I'm going to pass out, actually. Or lose my dinner. Maybe both."

"Just breathe," Kurt said, and Rachel noticed he shifted his feet away from her.

"I'm trying," Rachel replied.

"Oh no," Kurt said, sounding alarmed.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"What is she doing here?" Kurt asked.

"I told you I don't—" Rachel froze as she turned around and saw who Kurt was looking at. She instantly scowled, wondering what on Earth Santana Lopez was doing there. Hadn't she already ruined Rachel's life enough? She was probably just there to gloat or to rub everything in her face some more, and Rachel did not have the energy for another talk with Santana.

"What are we going to do?" Kurt asked.

"Ignore them," Rachel answered, though she knew that was going to be easier said than done.

As she glanced back again, Quinn was taking a seat near the exit while Santana was already seated on the opposite side of the auditorium. Quinn's expression was unreadable; Santana, on the other hand, looked as if she would rather be anywhere other than there, and Rachel was hoping she would go with that feeling and leave before she had a chance to do any more damage. If it was even possible to do any more damage to Rachel's life.

As soon as the curtain began to close, Rachel clapped along with everyone else even though her attention had barely been on the stage. She watched with rapt attention anytime Beth was on, of course, but the rest of it had been largely ignored. She spent most of the time trying not to look back at Quinn and Santana, wondering what either of them was doing there. Kurt kept shooting her sympathetic looks during the show, but no one else knew that either of the women were there. They had all noticed something was wrong, asking Rachel multiple times if she was okay, but she didn't want to take their focus off the stage.

Now that it was over, however, Rachel just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. Or maybe to hide. She knew Beth was probably going to be backstage for a little while and she was currently a sitting duck. She knew they both had to know exactly where she was; she wasn't exactly hidden, after all, and her fathers had been the two loudest people in the auditorium as they cheered Beth on.

"Are you okay?" Kurt leaned over and asked her as the clapping began to die down.

"No," Rachel said in complete honesty.

"What are you going to do?" Kurt asked, glancing over his shoulder.

"Do you think it would be possible to slip out the side?" Rachel asked, looking toward one of the exits.

"Possibly," Kurt said. "Although, if you're going to do it, you may want to go now. They might not see you."

"But what about—"

"I'll take care of Beth," Kurt interrupted. "And I'll make sure Quinn doesn't come near her. Go. I'll tell your dads what's going on. We'll meet you at the apartment."

"Thank you," Rachel said gratefully.

She stood and quickly began making her way down the row, suddenly thankful for her short stature. Behind her, she heard Leroy ask where she was going, but she ignored her father, and walked as fast as she could toward the exit. Unfortunately, she needed to get her coat before she could leave, because it was far too cold out for her to run off without it. Before she could make it to the coat check, though, she heard footsteps behind her and she felt a sense of dread. Sighing, she slowly turned around to find Santana walking in her direction with a look of annoyance on her face.

"Not now, Santana," Rachel said before the other woman could say anything.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Berry."

"I'm not in the mood to—"

"I said to shut up," Santana interrupted.

Rachel put her hands on her hips and turned her back toward Santana, continuing toward the coat check. She didn't want to hear whatever Santana had to say and she wasn't going to stand there and listen to it. No, if Santana was going to insult her, she was going to have to run after her to do it.

"Can you stop?" Santana asked. "I need to talk to you or whatever?"

"You mean you want to insult me and ruin my life a little more?" Rachel asked. "No thank you. I have no desire to talk to you about anything, Santana. Just stay away from me."

"Do you always have to be so damn dramatic?" Santana asked. "Look, Quinn has been moping around for weeks and I'm tired of seeing her sad ass laying on the couch. And now she thinks she's going to kick me out of our apartment. The only time she's talked to me in weeks is when she told me I'm moving out and I still have a mark where the bitch slapped me."

"I don't see what that has to do with me," Rachel remarked as she handed her ticket over to the attendant.

"I lied, okay?" Santana stated. "Quinn never had any plans to take her daughter. I was just mad at her because she was going to move out and because she was so sickeningly happy. After everything she did to you, she somehow got you to forgive her, but Britt—whatever, look, make up or whatever, I don't really care."

"Wait!" Rachel yelled as Santana turned to walk away. "What?"

"I lied!" Santana said, throwing her hands up.

"You lied?!" Rachel practically screeched. "You just—you lied? Quinn didn't—oh god."

Rachel felt like she couldn't breathe and she found the nearest wall to lean again because her legs didn't feel like they were going to support her much longer. She had believed Santana so easily and it all turned out to be a lie.

"Why didn't Quinn ever try to see me if it was all a lie?" Rachel asked.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Because she's all hurt and shit that you believed me."

Rachel didn't know whether to hate Santana more for lying to her or herself for believing it. Everyone else had seen it—they had all doubted Santana—but Rachel hadn't. As much as she loved Quinn, she so easily believed that it could all be a lie. Because of their past, she had readily believed that Quinn could betray her like that.

"As much as it disgusts me, Quinn loves you," Santana stated. "I don't understand it and I don't want to; all I can think is that getting hit with a car must have scrambled her brains or something."

"She's never going to forgive me," Rachel said, feeling her tears prickling at her eyes. "I ruined everything."

"Just—go say you're sorry or something," Santana replied. "I'm sure she'll be whipped again in two seconds, and I can go back to throwing up every time she talks about you."

"Do you honestly think it will be that easy?" Rachel angrily asked.

"I'm going to be out all night," Santana said. "You know where our apartment is."

Rachel stared at Santana with her mouth slightly agape as the other woman walked past her. Other people had begun to walk into the hall and several of them were giving her concerned looks, obviously noticing her tears.

"Your coat," the attendant said, holding the garment out for her.

"Thank you," Rachel choked out.

As Rachel walked up the final flight of stairs to Quinn's apartment, her nerves hit her full force. The whole subway ride over, she tried to rehearse what she was going to say, but she couldn't remember any of it at that point. She wanted to tell Quinn how sorry she was that she ever believed Santana, but she didn't know how anything she said could possibly make it any better. She'd hurt Quinn in one of the worst ways she could think of, and she had no idea how the blonde would ever forgive her for it.

Quinn's door was within sight, but Rachel couldn't seem to get her legs to propel her forward. She knew once she walked up to that door that there was no going back. The longer she delayed it, the longer she could hold onto that small piece of hope that they could have a second chance. On top of not wanting to crush her dreams of a reconciliation, she knew Quinn could lash out when she was angry and she was afraid of what she may say to her. Of course, she felt like it would be completely deserved; she'd done something terrible and Quinn had every right to be angry with her.

When she wasn't thinking of all the ways she could apologize to Quinn on the way over, she was berating herself for what she had done. She hadn't even given Quinn a chance to explain, and when she did deny it, Rachel didn't even attempt to listen. Maybe if she had just stayed around for two more seconds, she would have heard Quinn. But no, she had left as fast as possible, not wanting to hear it. She was so quick to believe Quinn was lying that she didn't even give her a chance.

Knowing she couldn't stand in the hallway all night, Rachel slowly walked over to Quinn's door and stared at the dark wood. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been that nervous, if she ever had been. She felt like everything hinged on this conversation and she would never forgive herself if she messed it up. She needed Quinn to forgive her, because she couldn't imagine living her life without her, knowing she was the one to screw everything up when they had been so happy.

Taking a deep, determined breath, she reached out and knocked on the door. The following wait was excruciating as she wondered if Quinn was even there or if this was all for nothing. But after what felt like an eternity, she heard the chain followed by the deadbolt, and she knew Quinn was opening the door.

"What are you doing here?" Quinn asked, visibly looking surprised when she cracked the door open.

"Can we talk?" Rachel asked.

"I thought you never wanted to talk to me again," Quinn replied evenly.

"I saw you at the recital," Rachel said.

Quinn sighed and opened the door a little wider. "I just wanted to see her. I know you told me to stay away from her, but—"

"Santana found me afterwards," Rachel interrupted, unable to stop herself.

"Santana was there?" Quinn asked, furrowing her brows.

"Yes," Rachel replied. "She-she told me the truth. She told me she was lying to me. Quinn, I am so sorry."

"It doesn't matter," Quinn said, beginning to shut the door, but Rachel put out her hand to stop her.

"Please, just hear me out," Rachel begged. "I promise I will leave you alone after if that is what you want. Please just give me five minutes."

Quinn looked as if she wanted to tell her to leave, but she opened the door, nevertheless. Rachel stepped through, giving Quinn a sad smile as she walked past, but the blonde just looked away. She stopped just inside the apartment and turned to look at Quinn, who was closing the door. She then walked past Rachel, going into the living room, and turning toward her with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Five minutes," Quinn stated.

"Quinn, I don't know how to begin to tell you how sorry I am," Rachel said, stepping toward her. "I should never have believe Santana, but—" Rachel sighed and look at the floor. "I guess believing it was all a lie was easier than believing you loved me."

"I just don't understand how you could think I could do that to you," Quinn said, her eyes full of hurt. "I thought you knew me better than that."

"I know," Rachel replied.

"I thought you'd forgiven me for high school," Quinn continued. "How could you not know how much I love you?"

"I was insecure and scared," Rachel said as a tear fell down her cheek. "I couldn't imagine my life without you and there someone was telling me the worst possible thing. It just felt so real. You kept it from me that Santana was your roommate, so I believed you were also keeping other things from me."

"But that!" Quinn yelled. "That I would try to rip Beth away from you?"

"Please," Rachel said, reaching out for Quinn's hand, but the blonde moved it away. "I love you, Quinn, and you have no idea how sorry I am that I messed everything up. I'm sorry I didn't believe you, but you have to understand. It's always felt so unbelievable that you could love me, and then Santana was telling me that you didn't. I think I've always been afraid that something like that was going to happen and then it did. The only reason I was so afraid is because of how much I love you."

She reached out for Quinn's hand again, but that time the other woman didn't move it away. "I know I made a terrible mistake. I see that now. I was just so terrified that it could be true. I truly believed I had moved on from high school, but when she said those things—" Rachel shook her head as she wiped away a tear. "When she said those things, it brought everything back and I felt like I was fifteen again. I was scared and I reacted badly. I should have let you explain and listened to you instead of believing Santana. Please give me another chance. I want us to be happy again, because I've been miserable without you."

Quinn opened her mouth as if she was going to say something, but the next moment she pulled on Rachel's hand, bringing her forward, and crashing their lips together. Rachel moaned at the feeling of Quinn's lips on hers and pressed her body fully into Quinn's. She'd almost forgotten how good it felt to kiss Quinn and to have the blonde's arms wrapped around her.

"Does this mean you forgive me?" Rachel whispered as she pulled her lips away from Quinn's.

"It means I don't want to live without you, either," Quinn said, brushing her lips against Rachel's. "We'll work on the rest."

"Really?" Rachel asked, giving Quinn a hopeful smile.

"It's not like I haven't made mistakes," Quinn softly replied. "We've both messed up."

"So you don't hate me?" Rachel asked. "We can try to move on from this?"

"I'll try if you try," Quinn answered.

"I would like nothing more than that, Quinn" Rachel replied. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Quinn said after a few moments as she buried her face in the crook of Rachel's neck.