BioWare owns all but what I made up. : )
So we have our fearless leader, who as leader is taking responsibility for well, everything. Zev and Kai's relationship may be coming together, but Kai is falling apart, even if she doesn't show it, yet. So more emotional angst all around, thanks for sticking with me! : )
And again thanks for the reviews, and suggestions, and catching my mistakes. I apologize, as Kalan Jade pointed out I had some glaring errors with tenses in 47, I think I fixed them all. Made things smoother, blame my being really dog tired, and the cats for interrupting me every five minutes, at least it seemed that way. And I blame the husband who kept distracting me with the weird crap he was watching from Fark on the internet while waiting for his dungeons on WoW. UGH, I need a laptop! ROFL! I hope you will go back and reread it, nothing major changed, I just tweaked it a bit, smoothed it out. I hope it's better, Kalan Jade. You guys are so wonderful, much love to you all. : )
And I am so sorry I didn't get this out last night! : (
Blessings!
By the time all the dead had been gathered, or parts of the dead, Kai was a mess again. Then came the painful part of identifying them, Kai had taken it upon herself to identify her Scath. Zev was correct, they had lost a third to Erys' treachery, both native and ex-Crow alike. At least that might help bridge the divide of suspicion that was sure to be in the making between the groups. It was something she would be sure to bring up, Erys hadn't targeted one over the other, and she had grown up with her fellow Crows. Again, Kai felt guilt and her own twinges of doubt and distrust, not just for her ex-Crows, but mostly for herself as a leader. If she hadn't see it coming, how the hell was she of any use to anyone, let alone Ferelden?
She shoved that aside and helped arrange the dead for the pyres they would be lighting when darkness fell. Swiftrunner and his clan, several villagers and elves, and Oghren were all gathering wood to make the bonfires. Luckily, it had been raining so they were unlikely to burn the forest down. Kai let that bitter joke hang in her thoughts.
Wynne and Naseel returned and promptly went to the first aid tent to deliver their materials and goods, Irving and two other mages had accompanied them. Apparently their talk with him had gone well. Kai was just pleased to see no Templars had insisted on coming along for the ride. They went to join Fiona and Morrigan-who, for whatever reason-learned more healing spells from the Warden mage, she was glad Morrigan had done so, now.
Zev trailed her and helped, keeping his mask in place but watching her out of the corners of his amber eyes. Kai just kept it all locked down, each person or body part was just another object to be put in a certain place. She might not have been able to keep up that facade in her own head if she had collected Lelyth's body, but someone else must have done it, because she went to where it had lain and only a bright stain in the green grass had remained. Kai stood and watched the bloody pool as the rain had made it overflow and smaller rivulets that traveled outward, staining even the white wildflowers that she had found so beautiful earlier. Was that today, really? It felt like a lifetime, or two, or three. Kai wondered if Zevran directed someone else to take care of it, it would be just like him. He never missed a trick. All the bodies were covered once they were identified and set beside the ever growing piles of wood. Which of the coverings held Lelyth, she could not say.
Kai's only break from corpse collection was to feed the twins, She washed herself in a basin of water thoroughly, watching it turn brown with a good amount of red. But feeding them hadn't given her the usual blissful feeling it did, which only compounded her feelings of guilt, as she felt she was cheating her own children out of a bonding act between them. She kissed their little faces, handed them to Lana who was still watching all the children, and put back on her soiled shirt and walked back out to start all over again.
What did she feel? Absolutely nothing, it stunned her, there really was nothing there. Not the numbing wall she felt after Alistair and Fort Drakon, the wall behind which her grief and anger had hidden close to the surface. This was nullity, as if the abyss and everything else had just turned into a void, black as the space between the stars. It had her blinking in surprise, she was not sure what it meant. Since she had too much work to do, gory work at that, she didn't look too carefully at this new development.
As the day ground itself towards the evening, the overcast haze and its silver and granite clouds made the twilight appear more shaded, muting everything into even hazier versions of their original forms. It was as if the world were trying to slip sideways into another realm, taking them all into the Fade, perhaps. Dusk seemed to come early with the rain laden atmosphere that had started out so cozy and become so somber.
Kai decided to visit the first aid tents. She wanted to see her wounded Scath. Even that clown Keiron deserved a visit though she was sure she would smother him with a pillow at the first sign of his usual hero worship. She really, really couldn't take that at the moment.
She started towards the first aid tent with Zev following silently behind her, she was surprised he did'no try and stop her as she had been so intent on her blaming herself earlier, "Maybe he figures you will go anyways, as you are so pigheaded. And he should just stay close. I want him to stay close, my beloved..." Alistair's concern was palpable, but she cut him off.
"Don't, just don't, I'm not going to do this right now." Kai just kept on walking. She pushed the doorway to the first tent aside. Lamps were on their hooks in the tent, the brazier in the middle of the room gave off a welcome heat, keeping out the chill that was settling in more heavily now that night was falling. There were five beds total, where one bed should be stood Shale. She sported multiple large swaths of cream colored plaster 'bandages' along her back, coming around a little on her broad shoulders and her legs. Some of her augmentation crystals were broken and chipped, and they were not glowing a bright green as usual. Even the magical symbols on her forehead and her forearms were not their usual bright, almost white light, they were dimmer and muted.
Shale said she never slept, but she had never been wounded this badly before. It seemed to Kai that if she was not sleeping, then she was shut down in some way. Maybe the golem had a kind of shut-off-in-case-of-dire-injury mode. Shale was, after all, made of living stone, wounds healed eventually on Shale, just like a person, provided they weren't too grievous. Kai decided not to "wake" her stone friend.
Kai felt more guilt. Shale was hurt very badly, more than Zev let on. Badly hurt because the golem was protecting villagers who should not have needed it from a bomb that should never have been thrown. Kai clenched her fists and unclenched them a few times. She made a note to buy Shale a new set of crystals as soon as she could. Aside from the fact the crystals enhanced Shale's fighting abilities, the golem loved to sparkle. After all, there was a female dwarf inside the stone skin.
She took a tour around the tent, stopping by bedsides to see each person – villager, elf, former werewolf, or Scath. Kai stopped by a bed where Naseel was sitting holding the hand of one of Kai's quieter and younger new recruits. He was the one who had lost an arm, but, thank the Maker, he seemed to be in no pain and fast asleep. His name was Rajed, and he was so shy that Kai had had a hard time getting him to even look at her, let alone talk to her at the safe house or the Scath hideouts in Denerim. He reminded her of someone, but she could never quite place who. In fact Kai had wondered how someone so shy and sweet had become a Crow in the first place.
Then it had come to her, he made her think of a younger, less suave Zev. She wondered if this was what her friend had been like when he was a little boy, as opposed to this grown man she'd met. It was when they were at the hideout in Denerim before the raid on the mercenary ship that Naseel explained that Rajed was Zaeed's little brother. He only became a Crow because the brothers refused to be parted, and Zaeed helped shield his brother from Vimaro's torture and mistreatment as best he could. It was the only reason that Rajed made it as long as he had in Vimaro's house. Now she was going to have to tell Zaeed about his brother and his injury, Maker, would it never end?
Kai stroked Rajed's cheek and put a hand on Naseel's shoulder. She vowed that Rajed would not be made to feel cast out or unwanted just because of the arm. They were family, dammit. Scath took care of their own. Naseel broke into her inner musings with a hand on her arm.
She smiled at Kai and reached into the pouch tied to her leather belt. "I have your ring, Scathach, it belongs to you." Naseel handed the black iron ring with the three crescent moons and the triple knot back to her.
"I need to tell Zaeed about his brother, Naseel. I..."
"Please, Scathach, I told him already. He is happy his brother is alive. I told him how well he is being cared for. Zaeed is comforted and said he knew that it would be so. You had so much on your mind already, Scathach, and you have been working so hard, it was the least I could do to ease your burden. The healers say he will make a full recovery." Naseel smiled at her, and then stroked Rajed's forehead, "Zaeed told me to tell you all is well, and Lady Aldonza would be dealt with, Master Ignacio was livid. They will be on their way the day after tomorrow."
Kai just swallowed and nodded, she hesitated to put back on her ring, the ring of the Scathach. But she slipped it on her middle finger, looking at the words "dileas go deo" one word each written in the curve of each crescent, "always faithful."
Her next stop was Keiron, he was sleeping leaning up on pillows. His muscled torso was shirtless and a large swath of white bandages with spots of red blood seeping through covered most of his abdomen, his chest and a white line of bandage wrapped itself up over his shoulder diagonally down his back to be attached back to the bandages on his chest. One of his hands was wrapped up and a good part of the wrist. He was pale and appeared to be sleeping. Kai was about to pass by quietly, but his green eyes opened looking a little dazed, though he saw her soon enough. He smiled a slow smile, not at all like his usual cocky grin. "My lady, I am glad to see you are all right, we were all worried about you."
"Looks like you should have been worried about you." Kai teased him, "You look like a picture I saw in a book once of how the Qunari wrap their dead in strips of bandages and put them in sarcophagi."
Keiron gave her a slight grin, but it faded fast, "Ah, well I feel as if I could go into one of those, if only to sleep for a really long time. But at least I didn't go comatose, for...what was your record?"
"Two weeks" Kai grinned at him.
"Yes, two weeks, " And then his eyelids drooped and he was asleep again. Kai just pulled the blankets up around him and tucked them in. Again, more guilt swamped her, this poor sod, as annoying as he could be, just wanted to do right by his country, and he got stuck with her.
Kai walked outside the tent into the cool, wet, Ferelden night air. She started to turn to go to the next sick bay tent, but felt Zev's hand on her arm. He had been so silent throughout her little tour that she had forgotten he was shadowing her, "I think it is time for the services," he reminded her.
Torches were lit on long poles of wood to light up the funeral area. Smaller bonfires were lit around the area as the gloom deepened. While they were in the first aid tent, the night's shadows had lengthened and blurred together, stretching like cats from under the trees until they finally all met, and now it was as if they were standing under a giant, black, velvet cloak. There were no stars shining and no moon. The bowl of night was as black and empty as she felt. Kai poked her head into the tent to tell Naseel the services were about to begin.
Wynne, Leliana and Morrigan joined her and Zev. She watched as Swiftrunner led the oldest children down the hill to the place with the biers. Apparently, Lana would watch those infants like the twins and those too young to go.
The sky continued to release its moisture as a fine mist that clung in beads to eyelashes, eyebrows and one's hair and glistened like gems in the firelight. The occasional plop of fat drops from dripping trees accentuated the popping of the burning, wet wood. Smoke rose from the smaller fires which made little islands of orange light where people stood talking. The bodies, and parts of same, were all on the biers. There were three large pyres at an angle leaving an open area between them where a larger round bonfire had been lit. Lanaya and the man whose son, Caven, had died walked up to the area to stand.
Oghren, who only sported minor injuries and who'd been working on the pyres all day, came up to stand with Kai and the rest. Kai asked Oghren which bier held Lelyth, she wanted to take some ashes for Lelyth's siblings to have. Kai felt the world begin to tilt, and she buckled the feeling down. They stood while all the others gathered and the mist continued to fall, showing only when it got to the light of the fires and torches, making it feel as if the sky were sitting right over their heads.
Lanaya waited until everyone had gathered in close. She called on Falon'Din god of the dead and fortune to guide those elvenan who had been killed. Then she reached out and grasped the man's hand and gave him a sad smile. He in turn called on the Maker for all the humans, his voice breaking on occasion. There were sobs and sniffling heard all throughout the crowd. Then he and Lanaya gestured for them all to grab the unlit torches lying on the ground next to the bonfires and light them to start setting the biers on fire.
Kai grabbed one and went to the bier that held Lelyth and the other Scath that had died, she started lighting the wood that had been doused with some sort of accelerant. She watched as the flames licked at the wood, black logs were shadows against orange flames in the night. Kai watched as the fire burned upwards and made silhouettes of the bodies on the biers against the blaze. The misting rain made hissing noises as water met fire, causing the rain to turn to vapor which floated over the bodies as though the souls of those being put to the flame were hovering and watching.
Kai just stood and watched the fire. She felt a small tug on her arm and was startled to find Caven's father standing before her, the man looked...embarrassed? He shuffled his feet and looked down before speaking to her, "My lady, I...I am sorry for my harsh words earlier. I have been speaking to Keeper Lanaya, and she's right. I can hold onto my hurt and anger, or I can let them go. I can blame an innocent person, or I can put the responsibility where it belongs, with the one who has already paid, Bann Loren and Anora, I will not even call her queen. When you remove her, when you save Ferelden, I know there will be justice. You have been nothing but honorable, lady."
Kai froze as he touched her arm, she could feel her hands shaking. "I thank you for saying so, but I am no innocent and part of the responsibility is mine. Though I thank you for your...absolution." Kai almost choked over the word. The man held out his hand to her, and Kai's shaking hand grasped it, "I don't deserve it, but I will try and see that justice is done."
"My lady, I am not the only one who needs to forgive; you should start with yourself I think."
Kai looked away and gave a low laugh, "That is perhaps harder than killing an archdemon." She threw the torch she still held on top of the bier and kept her eyes on the flames, that overwhelming void seemed to be getting darker inside of herself.
Kai caught a motion out of the corner of her eye and turned to see a small elven child holding a wooden halla with wheels for the feet attached to a toy aravel. The child tugged on Caven's father's shirt sleeve and looked up at him, "I wanted to give this to you. Cav wanted to get his soldiers so he could share with me because he really liked playing with my toy. I was going to give it to him, I knew he loved it, so, now I am giving it to you." The little girl just held out her cherished toy to him her eyes wide.
Kai watched as Caven's father got down on his knees in front of her and hugged her tightly with tears in his eyes. "I think you need to keep it, little one, I know he would want you to continue to play with it. I am just glad he had such a good and kind friend."
Without thinking, Kai just turned and started walking away into the woods with absolutely no destination in mind, just off. She felt nothing, and so she was walking into nothing, almost running to nothing. Her mind was blank with no thoughts, no feelings, no destination, she would just keep walking until she dropped.
It was a big hand on her shoulder spinning her around that stopped her forward course. She could see that she had traveled some distance into the forest as only the barest glow from the fires could be seen from here. It was Sten who had stopped her, the clouds parted and the moon shown down, lighting his white braids and making them glow.
Kai, as if she were doing things involuntarily, found herself striking out with her Qun martial arts. The black void turned out to be anger, anger at Erys, at the Maker, at Andraste, at all the fools who followed her, but most of all, an absolute rage at herself. Her hand struck out in a blow, but Sten knocked it aside in a block. Kicks were treated the same, apparently, he'd known of the fighting style all along or he had been learning by watching her practice with the Scath.
Their sparing continued, with Sten doing nothing but blocking or avoiding her blows, she barely registered that others had come up behind him, including Naseel. Then there was a loud "crack," and Kai felt herself propelled backwards to hit a tree with a little grunt of expelled air. Blood trickled from the corner of her mouth and her cheek suddenly felt very hot.
Sten's deep voice broke the silence, "Parshaara!"
"That was perhaps harder than necessary," she heard Zev say as he came to stand next to Sten.
"She was panicking as I did when I lost Asala." Sten continued to stare at Kai with his lavender eyes, his face immobile as usual, but for the slight crimping of concern at the corners of his mouth.
"You mean if someone had slapped you, you might not have killed all those farmers?" Zev asked with a slight grin.
"Perhaps, or I might have killed them regardless, but the Warden is not me. Her target is always herself before it is any other. I thought it best to put a stop to it before she hurt herself." Sten looked at Zevran.
Kai watched the exchange between Zev and Sten, and she couldn't help it, laughter started to bubble up from her lips. It started as a giggle and then just started coming out in loud guffaws from her belly while tears ran from her eyes, and she bent over and put her hands on her knees. It wasn't until Zevran had come over and put his hand on her back, along with Wynne, and Morrigan had knelt down in front of her that she realized her laughter was really choking sobs.