Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.
We're getting close to the release of TFH now (8 days!) so I'm going to have to do something I really didn't want to do. I have to admit that I'm never going to finish my other story Through the Darkness. I hate that I won't, it'll be the first story on here that I started and didn't complete, but it's just not going to happen. So I apologize to anyone who was reading that. Hopefully that will never happen again.
Anyway, here is a long chapter that maybe makes up for it. I hope you enjoy it!
You'd think being locked away in a reeducation center for fifteen months would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. You'd think I could at least enjoy a couple days of freedom before being thrown head first into my next mission.
You'd think those things, but you'd be wrong.
Three days of hitchhiking across the country all by myself. Three days since I'd broken out of the prison cell the Alchemists had been keeping me in—"for my own safety", they'd said when they first locked me up. It had taken me a while, but I'd finally managed to make my escape. It wasn't an easy task and I'd had to fight tooth and nail to hold onto myself in there, but I'd gotten out. I'd done what no one—no one I'd ever heard of, at least—had ever done. And I'd done it with my psyche still intact. I was still me, I still had the same beliefs. I wasn't an Alchemist robot. I just wasn't as... whole as I used to be.
It always seemed odd to me that reeducation had been created in order to save people's souls, yet I'd never felt more soulless than when I'd been inside the bunker that housed my cell. I could still feel that gaping blankness inside me from time to time, but I fought against it everytime it tried to rise to the surface.
Fifteen months. Fifteen months and three days to hitchhike across the country and what do I find on my arrival at Court? Nothing. At least, not the thing I was looking for.
"Sydney!" Rose shouted as a red headed Guardian led me into the Queen's palace.
They'd contacted her as soon as I'd pulled up to the gates in a car I'd recently stolen two towns over. I guess it might have had something to do with me practically screaming, "call Rose Hathaway!" over and over again. She was the only person I wanted—no needed—to see. I didn't know where Adrian was, or Jill or Eddie, for that matter. But as long as Lissa was queen, Rose would always be by her side. That much I knew I could count on. So when she ran up and threw her arms around me as I entered the palace I hadn't even been surprised.
I hugged her back, squeezing her a little harder than necessary, but she was the first friendly face I'd seen since the Alchemists had taken me out of Palm Springs.
Palm Springs.
I desperately wanted to go back to Palm Springs, to continue my life, my mission, like it had never been brought to a screeching halt by my disappearance. Like if I went back right now Adrian would be waiting for me in his yellow living room, sitting on the ugly plaid couch as he watched bad reality TV and thought up bizarre ideas for his paintings.
I pictured him doing just that, but being interrupted by a knock at the door. What would his reaction be if I was standing there when he opened it? It had been a long time since I'd seen him, but I knew Adrian. I could practically see his face, smiling through the tears as he threw his arms around me and pulled me inside the apartment. I wondered if Adrian had an apartment at Court now. Maybe Rose could take me there...
"I can't believe it's you!" Rose was saying now, her arms still holding me in a death grip. "You have no idea what we went through trying to find you. We tried everything, even threats, and then you just walk out of there all on your own? How did you get away?"
"It's a long story," I told her, but she didn't seem deterred. She pulled me into a small private seating area, but I could barely sit still. All I wanted was to know where everyone was. Instead of asking, I gathered up all of my patience and told her my story.
"When the Alchemists abducted me from Amberwood they drugged me. I didn't wake up until I was already locked in a concrete cell deep under the ground."
"And they think Moroi are creepy." Rose shook her head.
"Alchemists do love their underground bunkers." I smiled, but there was no humor in it. "Anyway, there wasn't any way out. I must have tried to escape, like, two hundred times. Luckily for me they never caught me. But, you know, it's almost impossible to break out of a heavily guarded tomb. So I made a huge show of 'getting better'. Let them think their brainwashing was working—"
"Adrian said that," Rose broke in. "He said they were brainwashing you. Torturing you because you didn't agree with them. What the hell is wrong with them?" She looked disgusted and, thinking back at all the despicable things the Alchemists did to me, I whole heartedly agreed with her. But I had more important things on my mind.
"Where is Adrian?" I asked quickly. "And Jill? What happened since I left?"
Rose looked uncomfortable for the briefest of seconds before she smiled. "Lissa managed to get things settled with Jill. She's upstairs, actually. I can take you up there in a second, but first, I have to know how you escaped. You just pretended you agreed with them?"
I was thrown off by her change of subjects, but brushed it off as Rose being direct, something she'd always excelled at.
"Uh, yeah. Pretty much. They kept me locked up for awhile, but finally agreed to let me see my family a few days ago. When they brought me above ground to meet with my dad I just..." I trailed off, barely stopping myself from telling her about—
"Did you cast a spell?" she asked, startling me. I guess she already knew all about my secret. She smirked. "Yeah, Adrian told me all about the witch thing. It's so freaking cool, Sydney! I even met your teacher, Jackie. She cast a spell to try to find you, but it didn't work."
"Yeah. My magic didn't work in the bunker," I said. "They must have had wards up against it. Probably to make sure vampires couldn't bewitch anyone." I rolled my eyes. "It worked on me too, though, unfortunately. But once they brought me above ground my magic came rushing back. Fifteen months locked away and it took less than ten minutes to escape."
"And then you came here?" she asked.
"I didn't have anywhere else to go. I didn't know where anyone was. I thought about going to Palm Springs and looking for Ms. Terwilliger, but I wanted to see Adrian and everyone. I figured it was more likely they were here, or that you would know where they were." I grinned at her, unable to hide my enthusiasm. "Where is Adrian? Is he here or...?"
Rose didn't smile back at me, she could barely even meet my eyes. "Sydney," she started, cautiously. "There's something I need to tell you."
My heart did something like a cartwheel at that moment. A thousand scenarios ran through my head, but the worst one was of Adrian happily dating some perfect Moroi girl at Court. Could he have moved on, given up on me? Fifteen months is a long time...
Rose must have understood the panic in my eyes because she said, "He looked everywhere for you, Sydney. Everywhere. He wouldn't give up." She sighed. "When he first told me that he was in love with you I laughed. I thought... I don't know what I thought, but the idea of you dating Adrian was so out there. I couldn't take it seriously. But he did love you. He never stopped looking."
I could feel a lump forming in my throat as my mind turned over her words. Why was she speaking about Adrian in the past tense? Had he moved on, found someone new? Maybe he just didn't love me anymore. That had to be it, right? It couldn't be something worse.
"We didn't help him the way we should have." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't help him the way I should have." She looked up at me, watery brown eyes pleading with me to understand. "I wanted to, Sydney, I swear. I tried to help him whenever I could, I really did, but with Lissa... I have responsibilities, I couldn't just run off whenever he got a lead. I told him to wait, but he..." She choked. "Sydney, why wouldn't he wait? Just one damn day!" She balled up her fist and punched the wall next to her, causing me to flinch.
I was holding it together as best as I could on the outside thanks to my Alchemist training, but on the inside I was falling apart. My head was filled with horrible images that kept getting worse as the seconds passed. I knew it was bad, whatever it was. Bad enough that Rose was practically crying. My stomach was tied in knots and I knew Adrian was dead. I knew it from the way she was acting, but I didn't feel it. Not in my heart. Not yet, anyway. The only thing I could feel was a hollow pit growing deep in my stomach. Another piece of myself lost, broken.
"Rose, what happened?" I was surprised my voice managed to sound as steady as it did when I could feel the tears burning in my throat. "Just tell me."
I watched her take a deep breath and open her mouth to answer me, but I felt like I was a million miles away.
"He's Strigoi, Sydney."
My jaw went slack and my knees went weak. If I hadn't been sitting I might have fallen down. Adrian was... Strigoi? No. No, that wasn't possible. He'd never do that. Adrian would never give up his soul. He hated Strigoi, hated them!
"Why would he...?" My voice was barely a whisper, but it sounded like the loudest noise in the room. I was seconds from breaking in half, I just knew it. The hollow pain in my gut was growing larger and I wrapped my arms around my waist in an attempt to hold myself together a little longer, to hear out the rest of what Rose had to say.
"As far as we can tell he didn't do it on purpose," Rose said quickly. "We think he was turned. We can't tell for sure though, there were no witnesses. Jill didn't see it either. She only knew because... because the bond broke." She leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. "We thought he was dead, but we couldn't find his body." The word body caused a pitiful whimpering sound to escape me, but thankfully Rose pretended not to hear. She was kind enough to let me deal with this the only way I knew how, in facts. "And then the Alchemist bodies started turning up."
"What?" The thought of Alchemists being killed was puzzling enough to pull me out of my despair over Adrian, for a moment anyway.
"Alchemists were being drained, by a Strigoi," Rose said carefully.
I gasped softly, realizing what she meant. "Adrian. He's killing Alchemists."
Rose looked as sick as I felt. "Killing is a nice way to put it. Alchemists are trained to defend themselves, but not from Strigoi. Not from one who's hunting them down. It's a massacre."
My stomach twisted and I leaned forward, away from the soft cushions of the couch, lowering my head in case I actually got sick. "Who? Who has he... who has Adrian... killed?" I finally choked out.
"It's not Adrian anymore, Sydney. Not really..." Rose started to put her hand on my shoulder, to comfort me, but I shook her off.
"Who?" I demanded.
She pursed her lips, but answered my question. "The Alchemist who was at Court. Stanton. And the other one, too. The guy."
"Ian?" I asked, feeling numb. I didn't have any strong feelings for him, but I did know him, and he'd cared about me. And Stanton, Rose said. My supervisor. The woman I'd reported to since I became an Alchemist. The woman who'd had me locked away. She was dead, because Adrian killed her. Could he have killed them because he thought it was their fault I'd disappeared? Because, in a way, they'd been associated with the people who hurt me? "Who else?" I asked quietly, afraid of the answer.
Rose shook her head. "They were the only familiar faces to me. The others had no connection to you at all. I have their names though if you'd like—"
"No, thank you," I whispered. I didn't want to know there names. I didn't want to see their faces for the rest of my life and know Adrian had ended their lives. The guilt was already overwhelming.
I couldn't even look at Rose, which was ridiculous. If anyone in the world understood what I was feeling in that moment it was Rose Hathaway. But I just couldn't. My mind wouldn't wrap around the idea of Adrian hurting someone. My Adrian couldn't hurt a fly. In fact, he was biologically programmed to do just the opposite. Adrian saved people, healed them, he didn't... He didn't kill them.
"Sydney?" Rose asked gently, trying to pull me out of my thoughts.
"Are you sure it was him?" I asked, regaining my composure. It was so much easier to deal with this if I thought about it as facts, simple facts and evidence to be strung together to form a conclusion, to find an answer. "Do you have proof? A photo or surveillance video? Anything? You said you thought he was dead. What makes you so sure it's him?"
Rose looked sympathetic. "Besides the description from a dhampir he let go? Nothing. I haven't see him."
"He let a dhampir go?" I asked quietly. It was a known fact that Strigoi would feed on humans and Moroi, but they preferred dhampir. They'd do anything to get one, as I'd seen firsthand when Adrian and I were attacked by Strigoi a long time ago. The Strigoi had made a deal with a Moroi named Lee promising to turn him Strigoi again if he led them to a dhampir. That promise hadn't gone so well because Lee couldn't be turned a second time and died, but the message was clear. If Strigoi would do anything to feed from a dhampir, why would Adrian let one go?
"It's unheard of," Rose said, agreeing with my thoughts. "But I have a theory about it. Adrian knows how spirit works, how it can save people who have become Strigoi. Return their souls. I'm guessing he's avoiding dhampirs as much as possible in order to avoid us coming after him. Maybe he thinks if he doesn't hunt us, we won't hunt him."
It made sense, a lot of sense. If Strigoi knew they could be turned back into Moroi, dhampirs, or humans, their sense of self preservation would kick in. And no Strigoi knew more about spirit than Adrian. He knew exactly what it could do. But then again, so did I.
"We need to draw him out," I said, the confident tone of my voice surprising even me. But I'd already begun planning a rescue, and that was the only thing I could force myself to think about. If I stopped for even a moment, if I considered Adrian dying, or the people he'd killed since... I couldn't risk breaking down right now, not when Adrian was out there somewhere and needed me. "Tracking him won't do any good, not if he's been hiding all this time. And I don't want to wait for him to attack any more Alchemists while we're searching. We need to get him to come to us. Then we can turn him back."
Rose nodded, looking strong and sure now that we were planning. I'd always considered Rose stronger than I was, but I realized now that we were both strong. Neither of us was emotionally prepared to deal with this situation, but if we ignored our emotions we'd be okay. We'd get through this and get Adrian back because it was the only outcome either of us was willing to accept.
"How do we get him to come to us?" she asked. "We could try to get word out that you escaped from the Alchemists. If he's been killing them in revenge for taking you away from him than he probably has an obsession with you."
I cringed at Adrian's love for me being called an obsession and Rose noticed. She gave me an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Sydney. I didn't mean anything by it. But when... when Dimitri was Strigoi he didn't love me anymore. Strigoi don't love the way we do, it's more an obsession for them. Like they don't know how to handle the overwhelming emotions that go along with love. Dimitri tried to stay away, but he kidnapped me once he knew I was in Russia." She shrugged. "I bet it'll be the same for Adrian. The problem is," she said with a sigh, "once we have him, he's not just going to stand still and let us stake him."
She was right, Adrian would be ready to fight us and being a Strigoi, he'd do a lot of damage if he got the chance. But I was going to fight too. A slow, determined smile spread over my face. "Actually," I told her, confidently. "That's exactly what he's going to do."
###
"Thank you for doing this," I said for what must have been the thousandth time tonight.
Ms. Terwilliger waved it off, but that didn't make what she'd agreed to do any less dangerous. She may have been a powerful witch, but Adrian... At the moment, Adrian was a powerful Strigoi, one who might not hesitate to kill her if this all didn't go to plan.
Ever since I'd found out about Adrian I'd been planning this out. Well, aside from the hours spent crying with Jill. But there was no way it wouldn't work. Rose and Sonya were in Palm Springs, not far from Ms. Terwilliger's house. As soon as Adrian showed up, Ms. Terwilliger would contact them and they'd hurry over. Hopefully I'd have subdued Adrian by then, making it easy for Sonya to... stake him with the silver stake she'd charmed before we'd left Court.
I didn't like that Sonya had to be the one to do it because one) I didn't really want anyone near Adrian until he was himself again. He'd hurt enough people already, if he hurt one of his friends I knew for sure he'd never come back from it. And two) I'd been feeling an odd jealousy stirring in me ever since Rose said that Sonya was the only one who could turn Adrian back. The spirit user who'd charmed the stake was the only one who could use it to turn a Strigoi back into a Moroi. I understood that, but Rose had also said that Adrian would be naturally drawn to Sonya afterward, especially right after the fact. Not in a romantic way, but still, it would be an emotional connection and it wouldn't be with me. Rose tried to prepare me, telling me how Dimitri had pushed her away after he'd come back, out of guilt mostly. I tried not to worry too much about it. As long as Adrian was safe and alive it wouldn't matter. And Dimitri had come back to Rose after a while. He'd come to terms with his time as a Strigoi and he was working through his guilt in order to live a happy life. Adrian and I could get through this, just like they had. Our love for each other was strong enough.
Still, panic nearly seized me when a knock sounded from the door. Just one quick rap on the wood. It didn't sound like the knock of a monster. Ms. Terwilliger looked to me. "Stay there. I'll get it."
I wanted to tell her no, that this was a stupid plan and I couldn't let her go through with it, but I couldn't seem to make my lips form words. Because there was a monster outside that door. A monster who was once a friend and a lover, a monster who could bust down that door at any moment and kill the two of us.
Ms. Terwilliger slowly opened the door to reveal the darkness outside. And there, in the light from the living room, stood Adrian Ivashkov.
He looked the same at first glance, so much so that I hopped to my feet, overwhelmed by the sight of him. He didn't push his way in. Taking in Ms. Terwilliger at the door, he smiled charmingly.
"Jackie."
"Hello, Adrian. We were warned you might be stopping by soon."
He smirked and I imagined if I was at a better angle I'd be able to see his fangs. "Yet you open your door so willingly. I guess a witch doesn't have much to fear from someone like me. One well aimed fireball and I'm toast, huh?"
Oh, god. His voice was the same, even his tone sounded like he always did. Though there was a faintly threatening undertone to his words that sent a shiver down my spine.
I had to give it to Ms. T. She was calm and more casual then I could ever manage while facing down a Strigoi. She stepped back, sweeping an arm out to invite him in. He took the invitation, slowly entering the living room. It was then his eyes met mine, red rimmed in the light. It took everything in me not to flinch away. He needed to believe that I wanted him here, that I needed him, even if he was Strigoi.
Rose thought Adrian might be using Alchemist moles to find out about me. Alchemists who wanted to be eternally young and immortal, who would do just about anything for someone with the power Adrian now held. She'd informed the head Alchemists that if they wanted to stop the killings then all they had to do was make my escape public knowledge. Sooner or later one of the moles would leak the information and Adrian would come looking for me. It wouldn't take him long to get to Palm Springs after that.
Seeing Adrian ten feet away from me in my mentor's living room was proof that the plan had worked, I just hoped it continued to go smoothly or else all of our lives were at stake.
Strigoi were smart, and Adrian was smart. He'd always been able to read people's body language. I took a deep breath and prayed that the ego Strigoi usually developed would be large enough not to question the show we were about to put on for him.
His red eyes raked my body before settling on my face. "Sydney."
My name rolled off his tongue in a way that brought back Rose's words. Strigoi don't love the way we do, it's an obsession for them. His tone was soft and tender, but there was an odd edge to it. A possessive edge that made me want to back away from him. I swallowed that down and took a step forward, smiling softly.
"Adrian, is it really you?"
He was on me in a moment, invading my personal space, though he didn't touch me yet. "I'm more real then I've ever been, Sydney. And now I'm whole again." His fingertips gently stroked down my cheek, disturbingly cold against my skin. "You're mine and I'll figure out a way to have you for eternity."
I blinked once before his words sunk in. He wanted to figure out a way to have me for eternity. He was going to try to turn me into a Strigoi? Was that what he'd come here to do? I shuddered.
Adrian noticed, taking it as fear and not disgust. He lowered his face to mine, brushing his nose along my tattooed cheek. "Don't worry. I won't awaken you until I know for sure it will work. Your blood is a problem, but I've had a few witches of my own working on it. They'll find the cure soon."
"The cure?" I breathed, fear and confusion stealing my voice. When we'd planned this I'd thought he might want to turn me tonight, but I had no idea what he was talking about.
"For your blood," he explained. I thought I could hear a hint of annoyance in his voice, but it was covered up by the pretentious tone all Strigoi had. "You can't be awakened just yet, or you won't survive because the magic in your blood prevents it. Believe me, I've been working on a way around it, but it's been difficult. Most witches shy away from Strigoi, though I don't know why." He turned back to Ms. Terwilliger who was standing near the strategically still open front door, listening. "Your powers are impressive. More impressive then I realized before. We should be working together. With your power and my strength we would be unstoppable."
"You've gotten witches to help you find a cure for Sydney's blood?" Ms. Terwilliger asked, still trying to play it cool. But if I could hear the slight tremble under her indifferent tone, Adrian did as well. "But then how will she be able to use her powers? Becoming Strigoi strips all magic from the... awakened, doesn't it?"
"Sydney won't have her powers," Adrian said matter-of-factly. "She'll be a God, an immortal, ruling beside me, just the way she's meant to. But you will remain mortal, Jackie. We'll need your magic to fulfill our destiny."
Ms. Terwilliger nodded her head like any of what he just said made sense. "I see. And what destiny—" She did a double take in my direction. "Oh, Sydney. I'm sorry. You want to discuss this with Adrian on your own, I'm sure."
I opened my mouth then closed it. "I would, actually." I glanced around quickly, my eyes settling on a door in the hallway. "Would you mind if we...?" I nodded towards her bedroom door.
Ms. Terwilliger looked uncomfortable for a moment, afraid to leave me alone with him. "Are you sure? You could sit on the couch while I make some coffee or... well. I guess you don't really want anything from the kitchen, do you?" she said to Adrian.
He cocked his head to the side like a bird studying its prey and gave her a look that made my stomach turn over. "I would love a snack, but you don't have what I'm craving." He straightened. "For the best, I suppose. Like I said, we'll need your magic to fulfill our destiny."
"Because she can help cure me?" I asked, drawing his attention away from her. I didn't want him focusing on anyone but me. He wanted me and as long as he did, he wouldn't hurt me. Ms. Terwilliger would not be so lucky if the urge to kill hit him.
Thankfully, he turned to face me fully, Ms. Terwilliger forgotten as his hideous red eyes locked onto mine. "She will cure you. Then you'll be mine forever."
I cut an anxious glance to Ms. Terwilliger, then back to Adrian. "Can we go in the bedroom for a few minutes? I want to talk to you about this privately. We need to talk about it."
Adrian nodded and let me lead him into the bedroom, but not without a threatening look in Ms. Terwilliger's direction.
"Why don't you make some of that coffee you were talking about," he said. "Sydney and I will be awhile." Ms. Terwilliger nodded, but stayed put. "Oh, and Jackie? If you try anything, I'll know. I'm sure I can find another witch to help us if need be. Remember that."
Still, despite his threats, Ms. Terwilliger still didn't flinch. Just nodded her head slowly.
Once I'd gotten him in the bedroom, I closed the door behind us and turned to see Adrian staring at the bed with a hungry look in his red eyes. I took a deep breath.
This was it.
"What if I don't want to be... awakened?" I asked softly.
He spun to face me. "I knew it wouldn't be easy to convince you, and I'll use force if necessary, because you are mine and you belong by my side. But, Sydney, you will enjoy this life. You will enjoy being with me." His words were more demand than reassurance. "We'll be Gods among men and we'll destroy our enemies with a flick of our wrist. Our destiny will come to pass, whether you agree to it or not. That's how destinies work."
I didn't know what destiny he had imagined for the two of us and I suspected I didn't want to know, so I pushed on before he could elaborate.
"I want to be with you, Adrian," I cried, and they were real tears. "But you know I can't..."
He grabbed my waist and pulled me to him roughly. "You will, I'll make sure of it. I'm not that useless, pathetic waste of a man I was the last time you saw me. When I say you'll have your cure, I mean it. I can take care of you now."
"I believe you, but you know how I feel." The tears were rolling down my cheeks now.
He growled and jerked me closer still. I flinched without meaning to, fearing I might have inadvertently angered him. "I know how you feel," he said, "because you are mine. I'll prove it to you."
His hand knotted in my hair and pulled until I was on my tip toes. His lips crashed into mine and that was when I finally let myself process that this was Adrian in front of me. My Adrian. Or, at least, he used to be.
In one swift motion he hauled me backwards onto the bed on top of him. His hands were all over me, his fingers leaving indents in my skin as he greedily dipped his tongue between my teeth.
He tasted the same, he felt the same, he smelled the same. If I just closed my eyes it was him, no ghostly pale skin or horrifying red ringed eyes. As long as my eyes were closed his touch felt right, not threatening. I could pretend this was the reunion I imagined back when I'd first escaped Reeducation. With my eyes closed it was perfect. His hands trailed down to the hem of my tank top, then up under the edge, skimming my skin and sending sparks zipping down my spine. His lips were rough against mine, and he leaned up pressing his body harder into me.
I moaned at the feeling of him against me, letting him roll us over. His hand skimmed down my leg, hitching my knee around his waist. Then his lips were on my neck and suddenly the world disappeared. I hadn't felt this in so long, hadn't felt him showing me his love this way in so long, that I moaned and writhed against him. Some part of me knew this wasn't Adrian. Adrian wouldn't reach between us, unbutton his jeans, and then roughly roll us back around so I was on top of him, squeezing my hips so hard in the process I could practically feel my skin bruising. He wouldn't growl when I tried to pull away to breath, and he certainly wouldn't grip my hair hard enough to make me yelp as he crashed his lips to mine once again. But pretending was nice, at least for a minute or two. Eventually, when he started pulling at the button of my jeans, I knew I needed to stop this. If the plan was going to work then I needed to do my part, not play pretend.
Pulling away to place a kiss on his neck, I whispered an immobilizing spell into his ear. "Inmobiles quasi statua."
Ms. Terwilliger claimed this spell would freeze someone in place for up to five minutes. Just enough time for Sonya to stake him, given that she was here, or very nearly here, already. Ms. Terwilliger had purposefully left the front door open so Adrian wouldn't be alerted when Sonya and Rose arrived, but that also meant that I had no idea when they arrived. I wasn't sure what I'd do if Sonya wasn't here soon. I'd no doubt have a very angry Strigoi on my hands, one who might not care that I'm his girlfriend.
Carefully pressing his shoulders flat to the mattress I pushed up so I was straddling his chest. Adrian's body stayed completely still as I sat up, but his green eyes were open wide, looking straight into mine, like he'd realized what I was doing right before it was too late. His eyes darted toward the door for a brief moment before glaring at me. My own eyes welled up and I leaned down, pressing our foreheads together.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I love you. I'm just trying to get my Adrian back."
The look he gave me was deadly, but I wasn't afraid of what he'd do to me. I was afraid of what I was about to let someone do to him. What if it didn't work? What if Adrian, even Strigoi Adrian, really died today and I never got him back? Did I fight so hard in Reeducation just for this? It was a thought I'd been fighting ever since he'd knocked on the front door.
A moment later the bedroom door burst open and Rose rushed in, Sonya a step behind her with the silver stake in her hand. A feeling of relief rushed over me as I saw it and I realized that whatever happened, we had to try to save him.
"You okay, Sydney?" Rose asked, taking in the scene. I imagined what we must have looked like. Adrian lying back on the bed, me sitting on top of him, both of our jeans undone and my tank top partially rolled up. I quickly jumped off the bed, fixing my clothes and getting out of Sonya's way.
She moved forward with a determined expression on her face. Adrian looked furious as he spotted the stake in her hand, but couldn't so much as bat an eyelash. Without a word she slipped onto the bed next to him and plunged the stake deep into his heart.
The heartbroken wail that escaped me couldn't have been helped as I watched the man I loved being stabbed in the chest. Even though I was a witch who could perform all sorts of magic, I still couldn't see how he could possibly live after having something so thick shoved into his heart. Rose turned around as a golden glow began to emanate from around the two of them, and pulled me away, holding me as I cried desperately for Adrian.
It was working, the glow meant it was working. I kept telling myself that as the seconds past so slowly they felt like years. Eventually, the sound of muffled sobbing caught my attention and I realized I wasn't the only one crying anymore. Rose let me go and I stood up straighter to see Adrian wrapped in Sonya's arms, still flat on his back, but hoarse cries were somehow making their way from his throat. The spell had worked and was now wearing off, but Adrian was trapped in the meantime, frozen in place while he dealt with coming back from a fate worse than death all by himself.
"Adrian," I hiccuped, reaching for him.
"No," Sonya and Rose said at the same time. Rose dragged me, forcefully, from the bedroom and closed the door just as Adrian's hand moved to clutch Sonya to him.
###
I must have cried for hours.
Sonya hadn't come out of the bedroom yet, though Rose had gone in to check on them from time to time. She'd tried to tell me how bad this part would be, but I hadn't been prepared. All I wanted was to wrap my arms around my Adrian and know he really was mine. That he was okay, that he was going to be fine. But I couldn't, so instead I cried myself to sleep on Ms. Terwilliger's couch.
"Sydney, dear," a voice pulled me from dreams of blood tinged emeralds and flashes of silver. "Wake up," Ms. Terwilliger whispered, prodding me gently.
I opened my eyes slowly, blinking at the bright sunlight streaming through the living room windows. It was still morning based on the angle of the rays. "What time is it?" I choked out, feeling stuffed up after the late night of crying I'd had last night. I sat up straighter. "Where's Adrian?"
"It's almost nine," Ms. Terwilliger answered, handing me a glass of water. I looked around and found Rose smiling at me from the kitchen table.
"Adrian's still in the bedroom," Rose said. "He and Sonya haven't come out yet, but about twenty minutes ago Sonya said you were welcome in whenever you woke up. We decided we should probably wake you so you could go in sooner rather than later."
I jumped to my feet, in a hurry to get to Adrian, then wobbled a little. Ms. Terwilliger caught a hold of my elbow, steadying me.
"We made you some coffee. Figured you could use some. Why don't you have a sip and maybe wash your face off a little before rushing in there."
I was about to shake her off, but the look in her eyes stopped me. Her salt and pepper hair was wilder than usual, and she looked like she'd stayed up all night as well. I vaguely remembered a voice, whispering comforting thoughts to me as I cried last night. Had Ms. Terwilliger stayed up all night, soothing me with gentle words and stroking my hair as I cried into her couch cushions?
I pulled her into a tight hug, hoping she understood all the things I couldn't say without breaking down again.
"It's okay, my dear," she whispered. "Everything's going to be okay. Please, eat something though. Or just the coffee. Please."
After gulping down half a cup of coffee—I couldn't imagine keeping actual food down right now—and splashing some water onto my face, I was standing in the hallway, outside the bedroom door. It took me almost a full five minutes before I worked up the courage to knock on the door, but I managed it. And, a few seconds later, Sonya was pulling open the door.
The first thing I noticed was how tired she looked. Deeply exhausted, in a way I hadn't known until last night. It struck me for the first time that Sonya had been up all night, taking care of my boyfriend while he'd gone through the worst night of his life. I tried to silently thank her, while stifling any lingering jealousy.
"Sydney," Sonya smiled and it brightened her face a little, though she still looked tired. "Please come in."
I didn't see Adrian when I first entered the room, he wasn't on the bed anymore. Then I saw him, sitting on the floor, knees pulled to his chest with his back to the wall. He didn't look up at me.
"Adrian," I whispered softly, but he still flinched at the sound of my voice. It felt like my heart was being torn from my chest, but still, I moved forward, dropping to my knees next to him. "Adrian, it's me."
"Sonya," he pleaded, voice thick. Asking her for something I didn't understand. He ignored me completely.
"Adrian, Sydney wants to see you," she said, staying next to the door. "We talked about this. You need to talk to her, even if it's just for a minute. She needs to know you're okay." Sonya took a step into the hallway and Adrian's head snapped up as if he'd felt the distance increasing between them. His beautiful eyes weren't red anymore and I gasped at the sight of them, green and brilliant once again.
"I'll give you some privacy," Sonya said. "I'll be just out here if you need anything."
Then she was gone and Adrian scrambled to his feet, moving away from me.
"Please," I begged, standing slowly. "Please, Adrian. Don't run away from me."
"I can't," he said, walking to the window. "I can't be around you. You shouldn't be around me."
"But you're not dangerous anymore. You won't hurt me."
He ignored me again. His hand lazily traveled through the rays of morning sunlight spilling in through the window shade. Tears traced down my cheeks as I realized this was the first time he'd felt the sun on his skin since he'd been turned.
"I don't need to be dangerous in order to hurt you," he whispered.
The choked sound of his voice made the decision for me and I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his t-shirt. That was all it took. His body shook with silent tears and his arms wrapped so tightly around my back I thought I might actually sink right into his chest. I almost hoped I did. Maybe then I'd feel whole again. Maybe we both would.
We stayed that way for a long time, him murmuring my name into my hair in between sobs, me touching his chest and back and arms, before finally making my way up to his beautifully sculpted face. His eyes were rimmed in red again, but from tears this time.
"You should go," he whispered.
"How can you say that? I just got you back. I'm not going anywhere."
He turned his face away. "You wouldn't say that if you knew what I've done."
"I do know." I tried to make him meet my eyes. "Rose told me. And it doesn't matter."
His eyes snapped back to mine without my help. The outrage in them startled me. "How can you say it doesn't matter?" he asked incredulously.
I shook my head, wishing I was better at this. "Not that it doesn't matter. That's not what I meant. Just that it doesn't change what I think of you."
"That's because you don't really know what I did. You don't know the details. If you did you'd never say that."
His pain was palpable as he looked at me with his heartbreak written all over his face. All the shame and fear and loneliness he must have felt was right there, swirling behind his emerald eyes.
"No. I say that because I know you. And I know that that person who hurt those people, the thing that committed those terrible acts, was not you. It's not who you are and it's not your fault."
Adrian stared at me a moment, looking like he couldn't decide what he was feeling, anger or relief. "I've killed people, Sydney. People you knew, people you didn't. Because I'm a monster."
"You're not!" I argued, but he hushed me.
"You don't know what I did. You don't know what I wanted to do. Sydney, I..." His voice cut out and his hands shook. I tried to take them into mine, but he pulled away. "I was going to kill you. The thought actually went through my head. I heard you casting that spell in my ear and I knew I had to stop you. Thank God, the spell worked or else I would've killed you. Do you understand that?"
"That wasn't you," I argued.
"Sydney—"
"It wasn't you," I insisted fiercely. "You think I can't look into your eyes and see the difference between you and that monster. I saw it, that that thing wanted to kill me. I saw it in your eyes, but it wasn't you." I grabbed his face, pulling him down so we were eye level and he let me. "You think I can't tell the difference between the man I love and some monster invading his body? Because let me tell you, it might feel like one and the same to you, but it isn't. The difference between you," I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer, "and the man who wanted to hurt me last night is so obvious to me it's like night and day."
As his tears began to fall, Adrian finally let me hold him the way I'd wanted to since I first walked into the room. His tears stained my shirt, but I held him tighter and pulled him with me to the bed. It took a few more minutes, but eventually I convinced him to lay down with me.
Neither of us said anything for awhile. I think we were both too afraid that it might ruin the perfect moment we'd stumbled upon in all this pain. He was resting against the pillows and my head was settled on his chest.
"I asked Sonya about you," he said eventually.
I leaned up a little to gave him a confused look.
"About reeducation," he explained. Somehow in all of this last week's drama, I'd completely forgotten about that. It felt good in a way, knowing it was possible to forget about the things they'd said and done to me, even if only for a little while. "She told me you were okay. That you escaped somehow."
I smiled weakly. "Took me awhile, but yeah."
"I searched for you," he whispered roughly. All the emotion surging back into his voice and expression. "I kept looking even when everyone told me to quit. The night... the night I was turned, I was meeting with one of Marcus's guys. A guy who'd worked in one of the reeducation centers."
I wasn't sure if I should push him for more, but I was morbidly curious about what had happened that night. He seemed to know I was curious, because he went on without my having to ask.
"It was dumb luck, or not luck, I guess. Bad luck, maybe. He wanted to meet someplace shady, where no one would notice us. Everyone was busy and the guy seemed skittish, so I went by myself. It was the first solid lead I'd had in a long time. He was going to tell me which center you were in. He'd found out in exchange for Marcus breaking his tattoo."
Marcus had been that involved in trying to save me? I was surprised by how surprised I felt about that. I should have known Adrian would get Marcus's help.
"The guy was spooked so we went out back to an alley to talk. That was a mistake. I should have convinced him to stay at the bar, or to come somewhere safe. The Strigoi found us. The one killed him so fast, ripped his throat out before I could do anything. Then they were on me. They told me later that they thought I was too pretty to let go to waste. Dumb bad luck."
"You don't mean that. You couldn't possibly rather they killed you?" Although, I could see why he might think that, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't.
"I've hurt too many people. I'm an emotional wreck, Sydney. I'll never be the same." He sighed and stroked my hair gently. "I love you, Sage. I'll always love you, and I'm so glad you're safe. But I don't know if I can deal with this. I don't know how to live with what I've done, let alone how to make you live with it."
"What are saying?" I asked, terrified. I sat up straight and he heaved himself up beside me, all his energy sapped.
"I need some time, I think. How can I be with you when I can barely stand to be with myself?"
"You're not running away from this," I gritted through clenched teeth. "What will you do, drink yourself to death? No. You don't get to run away from us just like I don't get to. This is hard for me too, you know. I've been too busy trying to save you to really think about it, but I was locked away and tortured, Adrian. They did everything they could to break me. But I didn't give up, you know why? Because of this!" I smacked his shoulder with the back of my hand. "Because I knew I had you to come back to, no matter how broken I was, no matter how lost and angry and confused I was. I knew you'd be there."
"But I wasn't."
"You are. And you're broken too. We both are. Adrian, I still need you, just like I know you need me. I can't get through this without you. I don't know how."
Adrian pulled me into his arms and laid back on the bed. It wasn't until I was shaking against him that I realized I was crying. "Did they hurt you?" he asked softly after a few minutes. "Like, physically? I haven't tried my magic yet, but it's still there if you need me to heal you."
I shook my head, my cheek rubbing into his chest. "Anything they did to me physically healed a long time ago. It's here that's broken." I caught his hand in mine and pulled it up to my chest, pressing it right above my heart.
We laid in silence for a few minutes like that. I was comforted by the rise and fall of his chest and just breathing in his scent. Eventually he pulled his hand back and cleared his throat.
"Very inappropriate time, I know," he said and I imagined I could hear a slight smile in his voice. When I looked up he wasn't exactly smiling, but it was the closest I'd seen yet. "But you feel really good. Probably doesn't help that you just made me cop a feel."
I laughed and leaned up on my elbow to look a him. "I meant for you to touch my heart, not my boob. But... I have no problems either way. Actually, I wouldn't mind—"
He rolled me over onto my back, pressing me to the bed. "Not right now," he whispered, his green eyes burning into mine. "Right now, I just want to kiss you. I haven't kissed you in so long."
I placed a gentle hand on his cheek, slowly guiding his mouth to mine. When our lips brushed the feeling was electric. Logically, I knew I'd kissed him only yesterday, or his body anyway. But kissing him now just served to emphasis the difference between Adrian and the monster that had pushed me onto this bed last night. The sparks shooting over my skin felt amplified and the tender way he kissed my nose and jaw and eyelids was so far removed from the lust he'd exuded yesterday.
Before long we fell into a steady rhythm, one we'd worked out long ago. Kissing and caressing, murmurs and whispered devotions to one another. I wanted this to go on forever. If we could just keep kissing then neither of us would ever have to think about the horrifying experiences we'd gone through, or how we could possibly get past them.
Eventually, we couldn't pretend any longer and had to go out to face the real world. Though it was a long while before we finally decided to leave that bedroom.
"How'd you know I'd be distracted by you bringing me into a bedroom?" he asked as I reached for the door knob. "Because that's why you brought me here, right? To distract me with your sexiness so you could save me?" He paused and looked at me seriously. "Thank you, by the way. You can't imagine what it was like." He shook his head, a haunted look in his eyes. "And I wanted to do that to you..."
I closed my hand around his, squeezing it tightly. "But you didn't and it's not something you have to worry about anymore. You're you again. And to answer your question," I smirked a little hoping to lighten the mood. "A bed was the best distraction I could think of. If there's anything I'm certain of it's that Strigoi, Moroi, dhampir or human, Adrian Ivashkov will always only have one thing on his mind."
Adrian's lips twitched into a small smile, but it was enough for the small twinge of hope in my chest to bloom into something bigger. He leaned down and rested his forehead against mine so that the rest of the world was eclipsed by the green of his eyes.
"Only when it comes to you," he whispered. His hand reached around me and gripped the door knob, but he didn't open it yet. "I know I said I wasn't sure I could do this, but you're right. We're broken. And if there's anyone who can help me piece myself back together it's you. And, maybe it's selfish, but I want to be the one to help you put yourself back together."
I leaned up ever so slightly and brushed my lips against his while I spoke. "I don't think it's selfish, but if it is, then I'm selfish too."
He groaned and buried his face in my hair. "You're doing that sexy distraction thing again."
I pulled away and opened the door. "You're right. We need to focus on putting our lives back together, like you said. Step one: leave this bedroom and have lunch with our friends. We can do that, no matter how messed up we are on the inside, right?"
Adrian took a deep breath and nodded, stepping out into the hall. I grabbed his arm at the last second, making him turn to look at me.
"But later," I whispered, aware that the others might be able to overhear. "Later we can distract ourselves anyway we want."
Adrian's lips brushed my cheek and his warm hand wrapped around mine.
"That's exactly what I was thinking," he whispered and led me out into the living room so we could start to put ourselves back together, as a team.